A
male
age
51-59,
*onfused Simon
writes:Hello wise people, I did something I thought I would never do. I had an affair. Now before anyone goes tut, that was me, before it happened. I met this amazing girl at my girlfriend's work. We clicked from day one and it was at first, just the start of a great friendship. We started texting and we got braver and the messages got dirty. We knew it was not right and knew we had feeling for each other, we met up and walked for miles hand in hand before either of us noticed we was holding handsShe decided we should stop, as she didn't want to break up a relationship.Three months went by, and no contact, but I just could not get her out of my mind. My girlfriend said why don't you come to my work anymore? I just said I was too busy. One day she said remember A, I said yes. Well my gf said' ''she's seeing a army boy and going to a hotel tonight.'' I felt so upset and went for a walk and cried, I told myself to pull myself together you're not 18 anymore, you're a grown man with two children aged 4 and 8.Another month went by I still kept thinking about her, so I texted her, and said, ''hi, hope your ok, miss you.'' She replied in less than a minute and said, ''really miss your friendship too, want to meet up some time?'' I thought oh "friendship" but also thought she seems to want to know me still, am I doing the right thing? Then I though you only live once.We met up and it was like we never had a second apart, I said I hear you got a bloke, she said no, just needed some company, I felt jealous and I told her so. She said look if you was single you would be my soul mate. Im not sure how but we ended up in a hotel and we had sex, best sex for years. We started meeting up lots just for a 5 min cuddle on the way to work, talked about all sorts we were both hooked, we told each other we loved each other then she blew me out and said I cnt do this leave me alone. We had no contact for nearly 6 months and I missed her everyday, I hoped in time it would get easier but I cant get her out of my mind.She txt me at Christmas and said why can't I get you out of my head. I replied I cant you either.So here is my problem, im head over heals for this girl I have known for 2 years and she same with me. I have this feeling I had with my first love and a feeling I thougt I would never feel again.I confessed all to my Girlfriend a few weeks ago since they no longer work together, natually she was hurt and we had some raised voices and she went to her mum for a few days, she came back to me and said if we didnt have kids I would be gone! She asked me if I loved A, I said yes, she then said make your choice her or us, she said stop acting like a teenager.We had a chat, I told her what was missing in our relationship and all she said was well sorry im not sexy and skinney like her. I said that not it, its things like taking no interest im me.I tried to end it with my girlfriend as feel i'm not being honest with her, I love or should I say deeply care for her but there is just no chemistry, if you know what I mean.Should you stay with someone you care about while in love with another and hope it fades away or is it better in the long run to be honest and move on? I'm so confused as my upbringing and brain says to stay and work things out and do what is best for our children. My heart says i'm not happy and i'm letting my soul mate slip away. The thought of A with any one other than me hurts, the thought of messing my life up now as I know it hurts too.And I'm upsetting my Girlfriend and my children hurt too. Please be gentle with me, I know I led myself down this path, but now I just want to feel happy again, i'm missing A like hell.
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affair, christmas, jealous, move on, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, herzschmerz  +, writes (26 January 2011):
ok, well, there are situations where things like that really do work out. my husband of 12 years, we have to kids together, left me for my best friend (now ex best friend of course), who was married with 3 kids, almost 3 years ago, and they are still happy.
it makes me sick.
not that this is a heads up for you or anything, just saying.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): So you betrayed your girlfriend by having an affair, and you still have the gall to make a list comparing her against your other woman to decide who is "better"?I think you gave up the right to even consider staying with your girlfriend after what you did to her.Also you say the other woman is your soulmate. But your examples sounds so superficial and shallow. Don't you realize that those good times with her are only good because they are not bogged down by responsibility and obligation (namely, kids, paying bills etc) and the negative feelings that this can lead to. the relationship feels great because it hasn't been worn down by daily life and by bad times. But sooner or later those will come if you were to be with her in a real relationship.You're basically comparing your two relationships together side by side, but they are at different stages.Your relationship with the other woman is in the heady "dating" and courtship and discovery stage. But your relationship with your girlfriend is long past this stage that's why it feels so different. It's different because it's at a more mature stage. some day your relationship with "A" will become more similar to what you have with your girlfriend now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): "she said stop acting like a teenager"
Right on. Stop acting like a selfish teenager. This is what separates the men from the boys, being responsible and doing what needs to be done. No, you don't get medals for being loyal to your family. But, you are teaching your children how it is done, lie, cheat, and ruin the family, that is the pattern, and they won't forget it.
Don't think they are to young to learn...big mistake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): does A take care of any kids?your life with A is basically for sex and excitement and good times. With the mother of your kids it is routine, more mundane stuff bec of the hassles of normal life, and kids and just plain boring relationship issues.A is just like a Barbie doll right now, giving pleasure to a common law hb so that he comes back for more, and more and more. sly, subtle woman, knows what she wants and not shy to go out and get it. the MOTEL QUEEN is not for long term commitments. she just fulfills the function of a f@ck buddy and all of the trimmings that goes with it. deep down you know this is true. after all she has been doing this for all her other lovers.you say that your gf does not give you sexual pleasure. well this is where i say that YOU FAILED. you need to help her give you pleasure. teach her, show her what you like. married couples and couples in long term relationships are :shy/embarressed even" to get dirty in sex. F@ck buddies have no suck qualms.Your choice buddy boy but to me the lack of trust is a major thing. how else did she get you. she was untrustworthy with your gf right from the start and well, all i can say is that speaks volumes of her character. but then, your character is also questionable as well.either way, make a choice and stick to it.your kids will be ok. just as you replaced your gf, you gf will find another man to love her.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 January 2011):
 thanks for the update, sometimes we can get involved with the wrong person you're right, BUT you were with GF for 10 years and happy enough with her to start a family, and stay with her - 'warts n all' until A comes on the scene! i am not trying to tell you which woman is the right one for you, there is only you that can decide that, all i am saying is be careful that you make the RIGHT choice, for the RIGHT REASON. maybe your GF is not the one for you, so why did you not want to leave her before?
x
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A
male
reader, Confused Simon +, writes (24 January 2011):
Confused Simon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, wow! Thanks very much to all of you who have taken the time to read and answer back about my problem.When I met my children's mother we never had this level of passion I have with A I guess sometimes some people are more hooked up that others in the bedroom. I'm pretty sure its not all about sex, A and I have often met up just for a walk or dinner, we like each others company, sometimes I wish I tried harder to stay just friends with her something which I think is now impossible.I have been comparing the two of them on a list, good / bad and its not really getting any clearer as its impossible to rate things in order. An example when I get home at night I find my partner on Facebook rather that sorting out dinner, now don't get me wrong I like cooking but she is home 3 hours before me, I end up washing up and sorting the kids lunch out for the next day. I know A loves cooking and I have been over to hers a few times and she has really made the effort, not once in 10 years has my GF done that for me.I keep my car clean and so does A but GF says no point it only gets dirty again. I like walking and so does A but GF would rather drive.Sex is much better as in A likes to please while GF likes me to massage her but I got get one back.On the plus side GF is great with my kids she always buys them clothes and little gifts etc.I also trust GF more than I do than A, I find she can be a bit flirty at times and when I have spoken about it she says I love you i'm not going to do anything, then I get I have to trust you, and she is right.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 January 2011):
hi
you say you love this other girl (more than your girlfriend?) but be careful: all you know of this girl is from the sneaky texts, calls, snatched little moments of time, sex. you do not know what it would be like to live an ordinary day to day life with her, when monotony sets in, when she doesn't want to have sex with you every time because it is not illicit any more, it is 'on tap' and she can have it any time she wants.
i think you have fallen in love with a bit of a fantasy, not a real-life situation. i mean to genuinely fall in love, you need to see each other in lots of different situations, get to know each other REALLY REALLY well, and this can surely not happen when all your time together is in an environment of sneaking bits of time together. for instance, you have not even spent a weekend with her in her home, seen how she lives, seen how she deals with problems, her family, her finances etc etc etc!
in a nutshell. i don't believe you love her. so like i say, make your choice very carefully. i have seen this happen so many times. wife/husband leaves their spouse for the 'fancy piece' coz sex is great and everything is all new and exciting and they mistake these lovely-crazy feelings for true love. they then come to regret it because fancy-piece has hidden depths and traits that husband/wife didn't know about (and doesn't like!) because they didn't actually know the person well enough
in my opinion i think you are having a mid-life crisis, being in a staid marriage, where your wife is busy looking after your children, maybe 'let herself go' a bit, looks-wise, you both got complacent about how lucky were and then along comes miss wonderful; gives you a bit of attention and that's it - you're hooked!
if you no longer want to be with your wife, leave her and let her be free to find someone who will see HER as HIS miss wonderful! don't stay just for the kids, no child deserves to be brought up by parents who are miserable as sin with each other. but again BE CAREFUL - come back down to earth and have a GOOD - LONG - THINK about what you are going to do
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): Seems like your new (old) lover likes hooking up with men. You are but a number of lovers she has. She is sleeping with you and she is also having sex with her 'latest' lover. Not too fussy she is, neither are you. Yes please leave the mother of your kids. You have betrayed her and caused her insurmountable pain. You broke her trust. She has wasted her life with you and well I think its about time she found a proper man to take care of her and the kids. Your gf may not be skinny and 'beautiful' like your lover but she too has qualities that need to be admired. Its sad that you cannot value her anymore. Have you noticed how people who have affairs seem to be hooked on the 'soulmate' concept. I don't know whether to feel sorry for these people or laugh at them. Two concepts are rife here on DC, the other being not being IN love, but loving them nonetheless. People screw around with concepts to justify their wrongdoing.I think, fool that you are, you also fall into this trap.But who am I to tell you what's right or wrong. You should know this already.See bottom line, if I was a betting person, I would say, you leave your gf and kids for the affair lady.In 2 years max, this ends. Yes this is reality. I know you believe otherwise. Then you start all over again and being in your 40s you will ask yourself whether your affair was worth it.As for your gf and kids. Yes she too will move on. She will find a real man to love her, to be excited by her and someone who will want to spend the rest of his life with her. He will be a good dad to your kids and your kids will grow to love him as well.As for your affair lady, she is not selective: the motel queen, I like to call her.So yes, your soul mate is waiting. But do your homework. You may be surprised who turns out to be your true soul mate and not just a f*ck buddy.But if you take too long to realise this, the true love will walk out of your life and you will be all alone with the joys of being a father and faithful Partner.LoveGirl
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): As you are cracking up over this you have to make a decision. If the girl you are having an affair with wants to make a go of things with her you, you should go to her. You clearly do not love the mother of your children. These things happen. Ultimately, as long as you try very hard to be a good and constant Dad, even though you do not live with them, things will be ok. Families break up sometimes, it's not unusual. Then everyone can get on with their lives. If your 'affair' girl doesn't want to make a go of it with you then I would stop all this agonising and finish it with her. You have to decide one way or the other so all concerned can sort out their lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): You should probably end things with your girlfriend. it's very difficult for a relationship to become OK let alone strong after one partner has had an affair and called someone else their soul mate. actually I can't understand why your girlfriend even gave you the choice to come back to her or not. I mean, have you seriously considered if she really would be OK if you stayed with her?? If I were her, I'd have more self respect and kick you out!Don't you think if you stayed together that she's always going to hate you on some level for what you did? She may want you to stay because she's thinking it may be better for the kids, but do you think she will never look at you the same again?At the very least she'll never trust you again. You may stay together but what kind of relationship is this actually going to be? what kind of home environment will this be for your kids??you should still be there for your kids, but by having an affair you really changed everything for them because even if you stay, their home will be a tense and hurt-filled one. The damage has already been done. The options are: separate and move on honestly, or settle for a very less-than-ideal family life under the same roof.therefore I think that staying with your girlfriend really isn't a good option.. You've already destroyed that relationship. Not everything can be reversed. Best to leave it the way it is and both of you start your lives over, whether alone or seeking other partners.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): You have ruined a family for a some woman who is given the title of soul mate. She blows you out,goes to hotels for company? I dont think she is a soul mate. She is not a safe bet. You have probably damaged your gf and wont be the same again and soul mate looks sure to let you know what gf felt like one day. It looks like its ended with gf the day you screwed soul mate. Let gf find her soul mate and go to the soul mate who likes company. When she proves as unlikely as she sounds,dont attempt to go near your gf simply get another soul mate.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 It is difficult, near impossible in fact to resolve this without someone getting hurt. It is good that you have confessed to your girlfriend, that was a step in the right direction.
Staying for your children will do little to help them, your relationship will surely be full of contempt if there is little to no love there. Marriage is out of the question, what kind of relationship would this be to your children? They have to grow up seeing complete and total honesty. They have to grow up with a father who takes responsibility for his actions when he makes a mistake. I would not suggest remaining in the relationship you have now with your girlfriend but, you can still be friends, for the sake of your children. You can still be there for your children as their father.
As for this other girl. If anything is to happen with her, she has to set things straight and leave whoever she is seeing for you. You have to set things right with your girlfriend and your children before seeing her again. When that is done, you have to decide whether or not this is truly what you want. Be sure though. Without the 'thrill' of the affair, without all the risk of drama would you still feel the same way about her? Of course she would feel as though she is 'the one' but you have to ignore that feeling. Use your head, use your heart, is she the woman you want to be with? If the answer is yes, slowly enter what could be a good relationship, a happy one but make sure all around you have been dealt with first and make sure you never make the same mistake again. Make sure you have redeemed yourself in the eyes of your current girlfriend for betraying her, hurting her, and then pursue a new relationship.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (22 January 2011):
 when you ask your question this how you sound:"Do I do the right thing, be honest, follow my heart and true Love to happiness? Or should I hate myself forever and fade into obscurity and drink myself to death where I am?"That's a bit of an exaggeration, but it sounds like you've already decided what you want.Just think of this, you're jealous now, when the girl isn't even yours. If she's willing to be part of an affair and you already know that... you will never feel secure with her. Since you also seem to be the emotional type, think of how you'll feel when your baby momma finds another guy and that dude is with her and your kids and she is happy and they are happy.The girl you got found it in herself to forgive you once. Not a lot of people would do that.
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A
female
reader, Molly0102  +, writes (22 January 2011):
If you really cared about your gf, you wouldn't have had the affair in the first place. By doing so, you're only bringing hurt to both girls and in your case, your children as well.
I'm not in any position to criticize you but since you've mentioned A has tried leaving you several times, it goes to show she didn't want to ruin your relationship. And you should too. Be strong-willed and never see her again. I was once with an attached guy and now my social life's a mess. I'm sure y
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female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch +, writes (22 January 2011):
 Do you remember what it felt like when you first met your baby's mother? I bet you loved her with a passion. All relationships when new are like ahh! Like a new hair cut, jeans, shoes, or car. Hair gets longer. Jeans get worn. Shoes get scuffed. A new car gets scratched, dirty, paint fades ect. I think you get the point. If you don't here goes. A new girlfriend ten years down the road will be old the passion will be gone and you will have 2 more kids who's hearts will be broke. Don't start this cycle please. Your kids will be very messed up and think you abandoned them to start a new family. If you are truely here for advice and haven't gotten your mind made up yet please consider this advice. There must have been something with your gf or you wouldn't of had two kids with her. You haven't been around A long enough for things to fade with her. My advice rekindle your love and passion with the baby's mother. Be the daddy those precious kids deserve and don't tear their worlds apart. I promise you will miss your kids more than your mistress. Every other weekend until their 18 then they're bonded with their stepdad. (who was actually there when u left their lives in shambels) Be smart new love is always the most fun but it all gets old. You have to put in the effort.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (22 January 2011):
Well at least you confessed your affair to your girlfriend and tried to break up with her. That is far stronger and more honest than most men who have affairs would ever do. Most would just continue to keep the affair a secret and not want to give up anything.
if the other girl, A, was not available to you, would you still leave your girlfriend? Or would you only leave your girlfriend if you know you will be getting together with A?
the conventional wisdom is that it's a bad idea to leave a relationship to be with someone else. The 'right' reason to leave a relationship is because of that relationship itself whether or not you have any other woman waiting in the wings. If you can honestly say you would rather leave your girlfriend and be alone and single and not know what comes next, than to stay with her, then leaving the relationship is the right thing to do. Because this way whether or not things work out with A or any other new woman, you still know that leaving your girlfriend was the right decision cos it just wasn't working out between the two of you.
Otherwise, if you're only going to leave your girlfriend because you found someone better, then what happens if your new relationship with A fizzles out or runs into problems? You will forever be comparing her to your old relationship and maybe regretting having left. You will be just as confused as before wondering who you should be with.
However, if you are going to stay with your girlfriend then realize you must end your affair with A. If you can't bring yourself to do that, then you must leave your girlfriend.
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