A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a girl, at university and I've decided I'm not having sex till I get married. I'm Christian, but that's actually not the reason why - I'm really liberal and fully in support of gay marriage/pro-choice etc. It's because sex means a lot to me (though I appreciate it might not to others) and I don't want to give that part of me to anyone who hasn't demonstrated the ultimate commitment. I know you don't need to be married to be committed to someone but I'd like to set high standards here, so I can be as sure as possible whoever I am dating/engaged to is not doing it for the wrong reasons.I don't want to get into a relationship right now either, though I've been single all my life and never so much as been on a date. I'm happy with my degree and busy with other commitments and hobbies, so I've decided to stay single till I graduate, sort out my career, settle down somewhere and then find someone.Obviously I'm not in the least judgmental of people who are OK with having sex before marriage/do it in a relationship/sleep around/whatever, but, for some reasons, people look upon me as being "weird" or being "prudish and innocent" for holding these values whenever I tell them that. I care of my appearance, dress well and get my fair share of attention from guys, and others can't understand why I don't take the opportunity to date this guy who asked me out or go home with that guy who was hitting on me at a club. I've made out with guys in clubs whilst drunk, and I'm definitely not asexual - I just don't want to sleep with them. I've had a proper sex education too, I'm not stupid.So what if I don't have as much sexual "experience" or have never been in a relationship? It's not because I've let myself turn into a total slob or anything, I just don't want to. Why do other people think who I do or don't sleep with or go out with is anyone's business but my own? Why are they always trying to argue with me about why my beliefs are "outdated"?P.S. Please don't turn this into a religious debate/debate about whether sex before marriage is "rational" or not - I'm just wondering why my friends seem to object to this so much and how I can deal with it when they do!
View related questions:
christian, drunk, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshrodingerscat - my post wasn't really so much a response to yours as the anonymous guy above you (who seemed to be implying that I had merely been led into believing what I do instead of deciding it for myself). I wrote the paragraph on slut-shaming as a reply to you - though I didn't find your post offensive I felt the need to clarify this - but the rest was addressed to him :).
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 It seems like a few of you took what I said a little too personally and I'm not really sure why some people seem offended by what I've stated.I did not point out any specific person in my post, merely made a list of general observations.I did not imply that the OP was a "sheep" or being "led", I was encouraging the OP to make her own choices based on what I clearly said was a personal choice that did not affect her worth as a person.I did not invalidate the OP's choice to remain a virgin, merely encouraged others to not slut-shame non-virgins by claiming that it was "more moral" to refrain from having intercourse.I also did not single out PerfectionisPerception in any fashion and am not sure why her and the OP took my encouraging and defending statements so personally, especially when they were highly positive statements full of defense of their chosen lifestyle.I also took the question at face value, I merely came back to make my second statement after a few people (I am NOT naming names) have made comments that have slut-shamed and downright claimed that being a virgin was somehow a "better" option for "moral" reasons, when virginity obviously has absolutely NOTHING to do with "morality".
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 June 2013):
 what I want to know is why your friends even know about such a personal decision?
if you have made a choice then it's not open for debate or discussion, it's PERSONAL and your friends should not even KNOW about it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs I said in my OP, I don't want to discuss at length whether my decision is "rational" or not. However, I feel the need to clarify a few points here, as (with all due respect) I find some of the more recent posts rather patronising.Firstly, I don't agree with slut-shaming despite choosing completely the opposite viewpoint - it's extremely misogynistic and perpetuates the idea that a woman's value is tied to how many men she has slept with. Secondly, I agree that the concept of virgins being "purer" is to some extent a social construct. However, this doesn't invalidate the fact that it is still my valid choice not to sleep with anyone till I get married. Social constructs range from gender roles to good manners - just because something's widely held to be true by society doesn't mean that someone is not following their free will by adhering to this belief. I have not been "led" by "my culture" into believing this or that, nor is it "because everyone I know" does it. I have thought this through at length myself and I know perfectly well why I do things. Just because I'm doing something the same way as most other Christians do does not necessarily make me into some kind of sheep. Everyone has the right to self-actualise, whether or not they are "conforming" to societal standards or that of their religion or community. Doing something differently does not, per se, make you special or smarter than everyone else.Does everyone lose something when they sleep with someone for the first time? No. Would I lose something? Yes. Whether that is to do with my Christian faith, or because I believe it made some irreparable change to my soul or "karma" or whatever, or because I believe monkeys will fly down from heaven and kill me is surely irrelevant - the point is that it means something to me, and, so, whilst physically I might be (largely) the same, mentally it would have made a difference. Nobody has the right to question a decision that's so personal. Furthermore, there's no logical way in which it's hurting everyone else and hence it is none of their business. Sex, as everything else, Finally, on the point of "skill" I don't believe sex is rocket science and that there are ways to see if you're sexually compatible with someone without going all the way or doing anything that might be considered immoral. From my personal viewpoint, the best sex is with someone you love and trust as much as possible, anyway. You also hear stories time and time again - not from guys but girls - who question their relationships with their present boyfriends purely because their previous one was a "better lover" or something. If they want to prioritise that, that's fine, but that's not me. And I don't believe a serious boyfriend or husband would care too much about how "experienced" his partner was in bed compared to everything else, especially considering she'd have had to sleep with other guys to get all that experience.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): You aren't giving away anything, but it's also completely your choice as to when to have sex. (first time, 50th time) The trick is your value system, by being raised Christian is telling you that sex has a high value, but also that you "lose" something when you have sex the first time.While sex has value, in physically, emotionally, and mentally important ways, it's not something that's a one-time thing for most people. Most people, even those who marry at 16 and don't ever stray, gain skill in it as they continue to have sex with their partner. (BTW, I'm going to use partner as the generic term for anyone a person is having sex with, there's no orientation bias in my use of the word) That skill is something that the person and their partner appreciate as time goes one, but should things turn south (and it's likely), that skill will carry over, and your experience will be enhanced by the skill a new partner has that you didn't help them develop. Even so, don't take this as a shame pitch: It's just saying that skill is a factor as you have sex more (with whomever it is).The next thing is this social (christian) construct "virginity". You're not impure or losing something the first time you have sex. The same things are not taught to nor expected of men in this world, don't accept their putting you down if the first sexual relationship doesn't go so well. You're better than that.Finally, it's ultimately you're choice. My hope is that you have a bit of a nudge to see how your culture up until now has set you up to make these choices for you, but that hope is likely too high. Instead, I'd settle for you taking away from this comment that you're not the only one who thinks the first committed sexual relationship you have should be the last one you have, and that it's also not because "everyone wants it", it's because everyone you know through christianity has been lead through the same culture that shapes their choices, and yours, when it comes to sexuality. Failing that, I hope you know that in the end it's your choice when (or if, even) you have sex. But I encourage you to poke at the corners of the culture you were brought up with in your mind and see what stands out. And if you don't, well, it's no skin off my back, it's just my hope.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Stop having drunken fumbles with lads and stop advertising your a virgin. Young men away from home and experimenting will see you as a challenge.
Focus on studying is good and you are wise not to divert attention away with a boyfriend. Do your own thing do not give in to peer pressure nor discuss your private life with anyone.
Your friends are NOT jealous they just don't understand why you don't want to explore sex as they do.People who are different and in the minority, will always raise suspicions but stick to your guns and beliefs.
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (3 June 2013):
I want to clear up some misconceptions that are being liberally shared here.Virginity is a social construct that in no way indicates the worth of the person. Having sex with someone in no way affects your value or worth as a human being. No matter how much or how little sex a person has, they are still intrinsically a human being worthy of being respected and treated compassionately.Being a virgin does not make you a "Better" person than a non-virgin because sex does not diminish your humanity. PERIOD.Virginity is an archaic ideal principled by a system where women were considered property whose only value was how many sons she could produce. Therefor, it was important to a man's wealth security that all of her children belonged to him.If anyone here actually believes a woman is a human being and as worthy as a man of being respected and treated in a humane and compassionate manner, they will understand that the draconian ideals of virginity as "good" and ANY amount of sex that a woman has is "bad", they'll let go of those beliefs instantly. Feminism is the concept that a woman is entitled by right to the same freedoms that a man has because regardless of gender -WE ARE PEOPLE-. Virginity means NOTHING in today's society since women ARE NOT PROPERTY ANY LONGER.There is no such thing as a "slut" and this constant slut-shaming I see in here makes me weep for the future. Promiscuity is not 'evil' and does not make whoever does it "bad" or less worthy of "a good life". Being a virgin does not make you a better wife or partner, or "more moral", a better mother or a better human being because virginity is again, a SOCIAL CONSTRUCT that has no bearing on today's cultural mores.Many people today are still stuck on the idea that somehow virginity is valuable and "losing it" makes a woman lose her intrinsic human worth. That is absolute horseshit, pardon my language. What people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms is NO ONE'S BUSINESS and does not reduce anyone's humanity. It's time to let go of these outdated and misogynistic views and stop regarding women like cattle.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Another perspective is; you have been born in a generation where Virginity is less regarded and protected for marriage than what is was in the 1950’s for example. Certainly these days society has dramatically changed in its moral fibre – manners, values and beliefs etc. The repercussions of this evolution are well known and what you are facing and experiencing today.Given you’re in the smaller percentage of youths who want to preserve this genuine wholesome practise you will naturally come against more opposition, more unsuitable males and more criticism and more temptation. The struggle is by far ‘not’ to compete, conform or be coerced; that is, give in to social pressure etc. in this regard. As I can see you are focused on study, prioritising your time after graduation and career to consider dating. That’s pretty well clear headed thinking to me. Pity some students today don’t adopt this approach rather than chasing boyfriends (as to having male friends) instead of good grades.On another note; when you shared this with your (supposed) friends it naturally invites them into your business with their opinions etc. Had you kept this private to yourself, it would have simply been a debate amongst friends having a few drinks and a laugh!? :)Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! :) I think some of them (the ones who sleep around) are obviously jealous but some others are in legitimate relationships and possibly actually concerned. I don't usually bring the topic up for no reason, but it often comes up as people tend to talk about sex a lot at university (or, for example, when we're playing a drinking game like Never Have I Ever). I sometimes just say I want to keep it private, but I'm afraid of appearing a little closed off.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (2 June 2013):
 " why do other people think who i do or don't sleep with or go out with is anyone's business but my own? why are these trying to argue with me that my beliefs are out dated?" simply because you may have standards they have let down and are jealous of that fact. they are not mad at you, and don't hate you. in areas of their life that they have give into weakness, bad choices, or just made a choice to follow the crowd, they are jealousy of the fact you are making good choices of high standards. one thing about it you can tell them, or just know and feel good about. they gave their virginity away ,and cant get it back for the future person that comes into their life, it is gone for them. you can give yours away at anytime you choose, and saving it for the right person they don't have that choice. so there is some jealousy, and regret with their choices. that is my view, and i hope this helps. your good standards are of high value .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): I agree that it is likely they are either jealous that they have experiences they'd rather forget and you don't, or they feel that you in some way believe that being a virgin makes you better than them or that you judge their decision not to be (even though we know from your post that's not the case). I'd also agree that you should probably stop bringing it up with them. My sister is 23 and a virgin but I'm one of the few people who know about it. She's never discussed it with anyone and I think most people probably assume she has had sex (she is also attractive and gets lots of offers) but just hasn't gone into details.One final thought - your friends could be worried for you because it's not too common to find a man who is willing to wait for marriage these days. They might fear that you won't meet someone who shares your beliefs, or that you will be seriously narrowing your options for future partners because of them. The way things are means this is a fairly legitimate concern so it wouldn't surprise me if that were the case.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): Why do you care what they say? Tell your nosy buddies, because they are not TRUE friends, to mind their own business. It looks like they want to drag you down to their level.
...............................
A
female
reader, cscrcsm +, writes (2 June 2013):
I'm agnostic, but didn't have sex until my mid-twenties for very similar reasons. I wanted to wait for a special situation and I did. I don't regret waiting at all (sorta, I'll explain below). I can see both perspectives at this point (I'm in my early thirties).Here goes: right now your friends are confused and jealous. You remind them of all the things they've been taught about waiting until marriage, etc. You make them feel like sluts. They want you to be on the same level as they are. Plus, they're lying when they say sex is as great as they say it is. What makes sex so awesome is being with the right person. The physical act itself, while very pleasurable is nothing without the emotional connection of love. Some of your friends are in love, but the vast majority are convincing themselves that they're in love with their partner to justify the sex they're having. Most of your friends will break up with the person they're currently dating. (I know that all of my friend did not end up with they college boyfriends.) Even worse are the girls having sex with guys that couldn't care less about them. As cool as they pretend to be, it's shattering them emotionally. Of course, they are some real sluts that couldn't care less, but most women do develop emotional attachments to the people they sleep with.That being said, I do sometimes regret waiting. On the one hand, when I finally had sex, it was with someone I adored and it was very special. On the other hand, I'm jealous that he has been with many other women. If only he had waited, I wouldn't care, but he didn't. I do get very jealous that I've given him all of myself, but he didn't bother to wait. It makes me wish I had been just as promiscuous. No, it's not a major feeling and it has died down with time, but it does surface. If only all people would wait, but they don't....
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (2 June 2013):
I think anyone who criticises your choices is not a true friend and I admire you for doing this. I wish I had waited longer before having sex, just remember you can regret having sex with someone but you can NEVER regret not having sex!
they are probably jealous, it takes no talent to find a sex partner of any description but it takes much more than that to choose to stay celibate.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (2 June 2013):
 I agree with all the aunts/uncles who say it comes down to your friends feeling jealous and/or uncomfortable. You have strong convictions and are standing by them whereas your friends may have given into peer pressure and regret it. Its easier for them to criticize you rather than admit that perhaps they wish they had waited.
As others have stated, if in the future the subject comes up, you can just politely say "This subject is off limits. Thanks!" You certainly don't have to discuss something so personal if you don't wish to. Its really no one's business but your own.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 June 2013):
 Hi
It's because you make them feel uncomfortable, it's like people who don't drink alcohol when young.Others don't get it they think of sex,drink fun as 'normal' at your age so when someone is different they think it's weird, that your missing out.
I don't know how they know you don't have or want sex till your married, assume you told them, so then they will respond to it.
Its your body your right your choice. Why worry what the others think, why even discuss it with them, its private. If you don't want a relationship either then don't have one.
Just be careful when your out at clubs and drunk, making out with a lad isn't wise in that situation, there could be one who may get nasty when you don't want more.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): Because it makes them feel like sluts! Never think that they are right and you are weird. They just want you to be the same as them because it makes them feel better about themselves.
Just do what you believe is right.
...............................
A
female
reader, ScaredForLove +, writes (2 June 2013):
Okay, like many people said above, honestly they're probably jealous. \I have a friend who is like that (or so she says she hasn't really been in a serious relationship so..) and sometimes I get jealous because even though I'm still with the person I lost my virginity to, I kind of wish I wouldve waited til marriage. So don't let them make you feel differently. It's not worth it. And honestly, they are probably just messing around because they are your friends. If it really bother you, tell them to stop. But I also don't suggest talking about it too much because when my friend talks about it she sounds snobby and like she's making a jab at everyone else. Hope things get better. xx
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 June 2013):
 Western society is oversexualized to the hilt, especially here in the US. One of the not-so-nice side effects is that people who don't have sex are stigmatized. For a guy, "virgin" is used as a disparaging epithet and has been used as a synonym for "loser". That's always heartbreaking to me. And with a woman, she's labeled as "frigid", "ice queen", and guys are made to expect sex in a relationship, so they either try to pressure the woman, or they leave in search for someone who is comfortable with it. Some guys view virgins as a prize or trophy...geeze, some women auctioned their virginity on Ebay for thousands of dollars (the auctions were taken down).
Find a Christian guy who has the same view about it as you do. That is what you've gotta do. They are rare, but they exist. My husband was one...believed in sex only after marriage. OMG was that hard! I respected him, and when we got married, I swear to god on our honeymoon, we didn't leave the hotel for days straight! It was all sex and room service! heh.
Don't lose heart! Stay true to your convictions!
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (2 June 2013):
The next time someone brings it up, tell them flat out that you refuse to discuss it. It's no one's business but yours what you do with your body.
Also, avoid bringing the topic up yourself in the future.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): Haha you sound like my twin! Well I'm 22 and still have my virginity, am attractive and everything! It's all a big joke amongst friends, as ive done shed loads of messing around n weird sexual antics when drunk ( of course! Haha) but never actually had sex... I just see it as a very deep personal thing to give yourself to someone completely like that, almost spiritual ( I'm no mystic meg don't worry lol) I've actually only ever had one relationship and yes we are a minority- but that's partly why people resent people like us, because they think we're trying to make some sort of righteous stand about how much better we are than them- when it's just our preogative. They're just jealous; everyone knows promiscuous people and isn't it so much nicer being on the opposite end of the spectrum? :) My friends are lovely about it and obvious you meet so many different people in life, at uni some nice some nasty- but nasty they won't be around in 5 years and don't take stick from any of them. Good luck! :) xx
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (1 June 2013):
1 - Congrats to you for holding steady to your beliefs. You likely will make the man you marry very happy.
2 - In my experience, those who criticize you for waiting for the right person often have the motivation of jealousy.
No one has the right to criticize you for your actions on this. Kudos.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): There's nothing wrong with having high standards when it comes to sex. Whether or not you choose to have premarital sex is your business. My question is, why would you discuss something that personal with others in the first place? My suggestion would be to not answer the question in the future. The next time someone asks, just smile and say something like, "I prefer to keep my sex life private".
...............................
|
