A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do about this. The more I try to gain control over myself the more I am slipping away. I met Mr.A over a year ago during a time of chronic stress. At that time, I had found him very irritating and annoying. Though, I tried to avoid him I had to keep meeting him. Gradually, I began to like him and appreciate his lifestyle. He pulls my legs or tries to cheer me up and I began to fall in love or what I think to be love for the time being. I encouraged my feelings as it was a great distraction from my problems while his change of nature towards me also contributed to it. His attitude often confuses me as sometimes I feel that he really likes me romantically while sometimes I reason that I am nowhere near his heart. He is simply being nice!He has been taking special care since recently to cheer me up, make me comfortable, help me and so on. He has never failed to reply my texts. When I call him and he can't talk he always says he will call me back. I find him smiling blankly at times when we come across unexpectedly. I have no idea if I am imagining that he likes me. But I have appreciated his efforts and have thanked him. But he says that I don't have to and that when I ask him so he feels guilty.I want to let him know that I see him special. But I have a problem. I am married! I thought so much about it but I want to let him know my feelings for sure.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): contrary to what someone wrote earlier I don't think you should give your husband an ultimatum, I think you should just leave him already.
Why? let's say you gave him an ultimatum. You want to have children, and you don't have a lot of time left to wait because of the biological clock. So let's say he caves in and does whatever he needs to in order to stop you leaving him, and you have a baby. But realize he only did it under pressure because you forced him to.
Nothing good comes from ultimatums, not in any situation, not in this one. Especially not in as drastic a situation as having children. If a man only had kids because the wife gave him an ultimatum - ugh I pity the kids fathered by such a man. Maybe he will fall in love with the baby once its born and all will be fine, but don't count on it, it's a gamble.
It's clear that your husband is not the right one for you. What evidence is there that he will change? leave him already, stop wasting your time. stop holding yourself back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): You either don't love your husband anymore or you do but something is missing in your marriage. Seek marriage counseling, spice up your intimacy with your spouse, try different things, go on a date w/your husband, take a vacation together to some romantic get away...try to remember what made you fall in love w/him in the first place. Liking someone is different than being attracted to someone. I like firemen, but I won't cheat on my hubby w/one..I just like them. If i'm attracted to a man that means that I will force a situation to meet him which can lead to other things. Come clean w/your spouse, together both of you can fall in love again and that other guy will be history.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 November 2010):
Why an affair? I don't understand. You have had problems with your husband, and you have tried to address your problems. Good for you. Now, nothing has changed and naturally you are looking elsewhere. Fine. If that't the case, then that's the case. But if your husband is not the guy, don't wait around and have an affair. End the marriage and move on. Because if you do have an affair, people won't call you a wretch. They'll call you much worse. They will blame you. Any child you have will blame you. Your career will be frozen. Your husband will look great if you cheat, and the guy you cheat with will run a mile.
An affair will mean nothing. They never do. They amount to nothing, and that baby you want will either be born into a dreadful marriage, or you won't have one because you'll have a bad reputation and no guy will want to be with you.
If your marriage is that bad, don't sit there waiting for it to get worse, and don't have an affair. Just leave, start over elsewhere and get the guy you think you deserve. Just don't have an affair. I cannot tell you how badly it looks from a decent guy's point of view to know that a woman has a bad reputation. The guy you deserve won't come to you if he knows you're untrustworthy and prone to cheating.
You want a baby, you want a happy marriage, you want your own life? Then end the marriage and go and get it. Don't put yourself in a situation where people look at you, and decide you are unworthy of being a career women, a wife and a mother. Because you will wind up with nothing but grief. Nothing comes good from affairs.
...............................
A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 I think that you should end your marriage first, you don't feel that connection to your husband. You two are not in the same page and therefore it will be wrong to judge you, but you cheating on your husband is reason to judge because instead of setting him free what you will be doing is stringing him around which is not fair to him. Your not happy and your not willing to work in your marriage and I have to agree with you it takes two to work in a marriage not just one, but its only fair that your husband gets the same opportunity that you are looking for. He also has a right to be happy and by you stringy him around and playing with his head is just not right. I say if your not happy file for divorce and pursue your own happiness with this fellow or with who ever you want but give your husband back his freedom too so him too can pursue his happily ever after.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 November 2010):
 You are not a wretch, and no-one is trying to say that you are. However all we are trying to tell you is that you will hurt yourself more if you have an affair and it will only make things worse.
You have said yourself, you want children, a family. And your husband is not giving you what you need - therefore you are subconsciously pushing him away, you dont want to be in love anymore with a man that cannot give you what you need. Therefore Mr A has presented the perfect distraction from your problems. You know as well as I do that you obviously cannot have children with Mr A in your current state, as a married woman you cannot have your lover's child unless you deliberately get pregnant to end your marriage.
So what you need to do next, is give your husband an ultimatum. Now normally I am not one for ultimatums, but when it comes to women & fertility, and starting a family - I think it is perfectly acceptable to issue an ultimatum. It is ok for your husband, his fertility wont change drastcially over the next 10 years. Whereas if you waste any more time in a marriage where he wont have a family, then you are throwing away years of your fertility that you will never get back. So instead of telling Mr A how you feel or starting an affair - tell your husband that the issue of not having children is now critical and you are considering leaving him if this is not resolved within the next 6 months. Tell him this "trying" is obviously not working and you are not willing to wait another month, another year before you get this problem sorted. So either he starts to lose weight and goes to the doctor with you next week, or that is it and your marriage is over.
I think that is perfectly fair to say this to your husband, as a woman it is a race against time to have children without exposing yourself and the child to extra risks - therefore he has no right to inflict legnthy waits just to test his fertility, purely because of his laziness. That is an entirely acceptible reason to end a marriage, so make sure you let him know that this is his last chance and you will be out of the door if he does not take it upon himself to sort this out.
As for Mr A - he wont make you happy either I'm afraid. The only way to solve your problems, get rid of your stress and be happy again is to sort this out once and for all with your husband. If he wont budge and still does not give you what you want, well then you can move on and maybe one day be with Mr A. But then again, surely if your husband lost some weight, did the fertility tests and really comitted to trying for a family with you - then surely this would completely erase your feelings for Mr A? The only reason people develop feelings for others when they are married is because their partner is not giving them what they need/want so they look for it in someone else. So in Mr A you have found an attentive, kind man that goes out of his way to do anything for you. Whereas your husband is the complete opposite at the moment, hence you have found Mr A attractive and want to be with him.
But in reality, you just want your husband to be more like him and you dont actually want Mr A. So please, try this one last time with your marriage before you do anything silly like telling him how you feel. Affairs are messy, all 3 parties end up hurt, it is draining physically and emotionally, and all the lies will only add to your stress. It wont make you happy, it wont make anything better and will put you in a worse situation than you are in now. So please, please, please, talk to your husband one last time for the sake of your marriage. You owe it to him, and to the vows you made to try one last time before you go ahead and commit adultery. Hurting people should always be the last resort, and you know as well as anyone that affairs always lead to lots of hurt. So try talking before you hurt anyone.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is single to the best of my knowledge.
...............................
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 Before you go any further with this friend, you need to figure out what you want to do about your marriage. If you are unwilling to fix the problems in your marriage, then you need to file for divorce. Once that has happened… you can freely explore your feelings for this new man.
You said, “I am married! I thought so much about it but I want to let him know my feelings for sure.” Even though you know it’s best to end your marriage first, I get the impression will act on your feelings for this new man before you file for divorce. Could it be that you are afraid to divorce your husband until you have the security of a new relationship lined up? Or is it that you don't feel like you can get divorced, and feel that a relationship with this man will fill a void that is missing in your marriage? I'm not trying to judge you... I'm only trying to get a better perspective of your situation. Also, you haven’t mentioned anything about this man's relationship status. Is he single, or is he married as well?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am still married and we don't have children.
I am trying to push away this attraction to be frank. i don't know what is lacking in my marriage other than some vitality. But there are things that my husband doesn't do for me and that hurts me. Its not just kisses, hugs, sex and money that you need. I did give him his space thinking he will come around even after those heated discussions. I want a baby. And he is not ready to take any tests for it nore reduce his weight. With so much of other stress going on in my life I wanted him to understand me and take it upon himself to do his things. But he doesn't. He just pushes it forward saying ok we try a few more months. These months now have become a year. And chronic stress is effecting our sex life.
After everything now my evil mind feels that I deserve a better man in my life. And that is Mr.A. I do fantasize him in my dreams. I did want to see him in love iwth me. I don't want to sacrifice my life for anyone and I want to live up to my likings. If an affair, let it be. Let people call me a wretch because they can't see my pain.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 November 2010):
Since you're married, you need to make a decision. Either this is a sign that your marriage needs work, in which case you go home and you work on your marriage. Or, you're in the wrong marriage and you go and get divorced. You can't have both.
Personally, I think this is a sign that you and your husband are not putting enough effort into your marriage.
So, are you a married woman with a husband? Or are you a divorcee?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): I feel the key here is the state of your marriage. You do not mention that at all. Your friend is probably holding back because he knows you are married. It is difficult to know whether he would want to take things further given the chance. What you need to consider is whether you are going to open a can of worms embarking on a possible affair. It might be an exciting prospect if your marriage is unhappy or boring but either way heartbreak could be the inevitable outcome. So hold off with this man. By all means remain friendly as you have been but take it no further at this stage. Have a look at your life and marriage and ask yourself why you are interested in this man. Tread carefully for fear of getting yourself into a drama that could be very distructive.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 November 2010):
Well answer this - if you want to tell him your feelings then do you want to end your marriage? Because that is effectively what you are doing.
Dont play with this guy's feelings while you are married - lets be realistic here, you cant start an affair nor should you ever want to so you have to choose. Is Mr A worth leaving your husband for? Or do you still love your husband and want the marriage to work?
I can see what you are trying to do - you want to tell Mr A how you feel so then he can inform you how he feels about you. Then, if the feelings are mutual, you will start an affair with him and then later on down the line, you will come back on here asking who you should choose, Mr A or your husband. Plan B is that if the feelings are not mututal then you will at least know how he feels and it wont be a problem anymore, so you can just continue as normal.
You dont mention your husband in this post at all - are you happy? How long have you been married? Do you have children? Are there problems in your marriage? Have you cheated before? Has he cheated before?
Generally if you are falling for another person, and are willing to tell them how you feel (which is basically starting a relationship with them potentially) then there are some massive problems in your relationship that is leading you to look for comfort in another man. If you actually stopped, remembered your husband and why you married him - then you would realise that this is so very wrong and you cannot start anything with the other man, and then what you really should do is work on your marriage.
Telling Mr A how you feel can only cause problems - no good can come of it. The only way to make this situation better and to make yourself happier is to work on your marriage, put all your energy into that and forget about Mr A. Right now, all those feelings for him are not much more than an attraction, nothing has happened yet however if you tell him then that will just open a whole new can of worms. You can easily get over a crush, an attraction, a flirtation etc, but it is not so easy to get over when you know he has feelings for you too or when it has gone beyond an appreciation from afar.
So dont tell him, keep this to yourself and put all your effort into your marriage. Figure out what has gone wrong that has made you look to another man, and then work on it. You will soon find your feelings fade for Mr A, and hopefully your feelings for your husband will come back stronger than ever. You made vows to your husband, this is the man you comitted to spending the rest of your life with and loving forever. Dont throw that away at the drop of a hat just because another man is being nice to you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
