A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:okay so this is a bit of a weird one. i met this guy on the internet and we quickly became close. for almost 2 years we chatted online every night until the early hours of the morning, and on the phone, texting ect. We've met up a couple of times recently and I have to say, although I knew what he looked like from pictures, I'm not physically attracted to him in the slightest. He actually sort of repulses me. He has very bad hygiene, bad breath, overweight, just a lot of things that put me off. I don't know if I'm being shallow; I don't think I am as I've dated what most people would call ugly guys, more for their personality. But there has to be some attraction, and I just feel like I'm completely in love with this man, as I've fallen for his personality. It feels like a very unnatural situation because if you met someone out and they don't attract you, you don't pursue it. I don't know what to do, he keeps asking to meet again and tells me how he can't wait to kiss me but I don't think I can do it. He's been a big part of my life now for a few years. Please help!
View related questions:
met online, overweight, text, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (16 April 2011):
I'm not sure if the hard, straight forward approach some suggest is the best. He's probably already self conscious about himself and probably at a point where he doesn't know how to get back. Once you get properly overweight, it's VERY hard to tackle. The BO probably also has to do with that. Overweight people sweat more. They often have to take extra good care of their hygiene because of that.
If you feel you can be the last push he needs towards a better lifestyle, tell him your reasons. If you think it will only hurt him more, don't and just tell him you'd like him as a friend. But you have to make it very clear that you're not interested in him romantically.
Lastly, no I don't think you're shallow. You're either attracted to someone or you're not. If you had been yakking about how you're looking for a Brad Pitt look-a-like, it would have been a different story, but that's not the case. So don't feel bad about how you feel.
A
male
reader, brokenbrokenheart +, writes (16 April 2011):
It's a no brainer. Save yourself the trouble, and mostly somehow hurting him in the process, make things clear as soon as possible. Being repulsed is pretty harsh, unless you are completely in love with him (and you are not), then don't proceed to a relationship. You have to be tough and clear, don't beat around, it'll hurt both of you less that way.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Yeah, that's a tough one.
Hygiene is such an easy fix, too. Showering, using anti-perspirant, brushing, flossing and not smoking for your breath! Bringing sugar free mints is also a big thing too.
But even so, all of these things do portray a message too, and that message must be compatible with yours too.
I think it's more than simply looks, or weight. It's self-image, which is a necessary dimension to the whole person.
Even if the guy was good looking or even decent looking, there's always a bit of an adjustment period when you communicate offline versus when you are together in person. It takes a bit of getting used to to integrate the two, even with the best of hygiene and halitosis-free meetings.
Not only that, but online, as wonderful as his personality is, those feelings of being "put off" are never to be discounted, and it might not just be because of his hygiene and weight. It's easy to project a persona online, but it's a little harder in person.
You could gently explain what happened, or just tell him that you want to back off some because it didn't feel like a good fit in person.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo_Very_Confused, thanks for your answer. I see where you're coming from but unfortunately for me good hygiene is just crucial. If he sorted it out, I'm still not sure I would feel anything to be honest. Its a little more than him being my type or not, as I dont really have one; he just doesnt float my boat lol.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmacdubh712, thank you for your answer. i think you're right, and that I know it has to be done. But no, I don't think there is room for improvement. I'm a very health concious person and for me to see someone destroying themselves with fast food and not even caring how its making them look is just such a no go. Plus bad breath is something that instantly turns me off. You've hit the nail on the head though, I completely agree with what you're saying. Looks aren't the sole most important thing, no, but they can't be physically repulsive to you either. And like I said, I've dated guys who I know deep down aren't great lookers, yet I've still had that sexual attraction. Anyway, thanks a lot for your help :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI completely agree with you, its definately better to meet quickly or not at all, and I won't be making the same mistake twice lol. But yeah, I think he sort of knows about the hygiene thing? He's been really paranoid about always having a chewing gum when I've met him (little strange i know) and we met once in a really hot summers day and he had a jumper on which he refused to take off? But yeah, I'm gonna speak to him as soon as I can and try to slow things down. Thanks a lot for your answer :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI completely agree with you, its definately better to meet quickly or not at all, and I won't be making the same mistake twice lol. But yeah, I think he sort of knows about the hygiene thing? He's been really paranoid about always having a chewing gum when I've met him (little strange i know) and we met once in a really hot summers day and he had a jumper on which he refused to take off? But yeah, I'm gonna speak to him as soon as I can and try to slow things down. Thanks a lot for your answer :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much for your answer. i was definately afraid of everyone screaming "ITS WHATS INSIDE THAT COUNTS" but I'm glad to hear other people go through the same thing. I'll take your advice and just talk to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, based51  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 It won't work. There had to be a physical attraction for you to fall romantically in love with him. Romantic love consists of passion, intimacy and commitment. You should feel attracted to your partner. It is bad if you don't, and a definite no-no if you're repulsed!!! You guys are not going to work out. You need to tell him that you see you two merely as friends because you feel that, while you connected online and over the phone ect, it just isn't working in person. Even if this guy had perfect hygeine, and looked after himself, would you be attracted to him?? At the beginning of relationships most people spruce themselves up a little but eventually we always see them in need of a shave or a shower, but that attraction is still there.You're not shallow. We really can't control who we find attractive and who we don't, but when that is missing then for the relationship it's just not there.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 April 2011):
 do you tink if his hygiene was better you could deal with the other issues? just asking...I have to tell you that my current BF was all about the BRAIN connection for us for quite a while... and then one day the physical chemistry kicked in for us... he is not my type but, his hygiene is good... that for me would be a deal breaker... bad breath... body odor... those are deal breakers for me.IF you like his personality maybe you could tell him the truth... gently...
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Oh boy...this is the bad thing about LDR and not meeting them quickly. You really can fall for someone's personality. It happened to me. I went through a dating company, we talked for hours on the phone ect, he sent me a very small photo, kind of blurry...he was sooo funny on the phone, and made me laugh. I liked him sooo much. But when we decided to meet about 6 weeks later....Oh boy.....What a disappointment! Like your guy, he was so nice, but not attractive to me in ANY way. I felt really turned off by him. I felt so badly too because he was a nice guy! But the thing is...there does have to be a physical attraction of some sort! And I know people can grow on you, but seriously, if you don't feel some sort of "spark" you probably aren't going to! I let the guy down as easily as I could, I told him he was very sweet, but I just didn't feel we were right for each other. I told him if he wouldn't be offended, I'd like to be friends, but I would prefer to not date. The guy was a champ, and took it well. We stayed friends.I don't think you are shallow, and you just can't help how you feel. I think it would be best to tell him before things go any further though unless you really think he might grow on you? I'm sorry it turned out the way that it did. It does happen though, much more than you probably realize when its a LDR. Good luck, I hope it turns out well!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): Oh man this is brutal :(... if you arent sexually attracted chances are you risk cheating on the guy because you simply arent attracted to him. Thats okay to not be attracted but not okay to cheat and it sounds like he has bad habits anyway and needs to better his health. I think you should be polite but honest and say hey I really enjoy your personality however your health habits are a huge turn off for me so I dont feel I could pursue something with you. Best on this.
...............................
A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (15 April 2011):
 I think painful, direct honesty is the best policy here. Dont judge yourself too harshly - your obviously not shallow. Your also right when you say there has to be some attraction. Its not shallow to say that, it would be shallow if you based your judgements purely on looks but to deny them a role is also wrong in a one sided way. Obviously you have a great friend there and that's something you want to treasure and preserve. You should try and because this person is that - however, in the short term the way to preserve that relationship you are simply going to have to sit him down and tell it him straight. He will be hurt, for sure, but if he is the friend and person you describe him as he will come round. You cant force yourself to do something you obviously cant. It will only end badly. Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (15 April 2011):
Wow....this is a tough one but I have to say you said it yourself: "But there has to be some attraction..." This is the bottom line of your situation and apparently it is lacking in nature. Let me ask, is there room for improvement at all? If not then I'm sorry to say he might just have to be a friend to you, if anything at all. People call other people shallow when they say anything that implies that looks matter. Well, the ones doing the name calling are full of crap because I would like to see their spouse or significant other...Anyhow, you said it, there has to be attraction and it is not there. You can't have a completed puzzle without all of the pieces. The pieces might ragged around the edges that cause it not to fit quite perfectly. This is life; we accept each other, imperfections and all but there is a line. Let's be real here. I think you know what you need to do, you just don't want to hurt him.
...............................
|
