A
female
age
51-59,
*alt
writes:I need advice. I have been married for 15 years and we have 4 children. My husband recently got a facebook account. He has added old friends and even an old girlfriend. I didnt like that much but she also added me as a friend so I did not let that bother me too much. I have added a bunch of high school friends onto my facebook as well. (this is due to my 20 year renunion coming up) I do not go on that often but my husband does. I started noticing a few new friends on his site. They are all girls. We had an argument a few weeks about this and I told him this made me feel angry, upset and hurt. This made me mad because first off he was only adding girls. Secondly he did not mention this to me until I confronted him. He did not understand why I was so upset but told me it was completely innocent and he would stop. He also said the only reason he added them was because they had things in common like soccer and tennis. That was all that they talked about. I thought after our conversation this issue was finished.Until today. . . I went to his computer to add something. When the facebook came up he was already logged in. I did something I have never done before in my 15 year marriage. I opened it up and started reading. I knew that I would have to confess tonight that I did this. However I found that he is still talking with this person. Now he is writing things like I dreamt about you last night. Always answering with Hugs and Kisses Everywhere. He came home early from work and I lit into him. He told me that this is not real. This is like a game to him. Ofcourse he is pissed that I went into his account. I did ask him to find somewhere else to stay tonight. I honestly do not know if I can stay in this marriage. I love him so much but he should not be talking to other women like that. Strange as this sounds I feel like he has cheated on me. My questions are am I over reacting? Am I turning into a insecure woman?Any advice would be helpful. ThanksSalt
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cheated on me, facebook, insecure Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hippichick +, writes (19 September 2008):
No, you're not over reacting. I'd be way more pissed. I've had a similar problem with my husband, only instead of a facebook, it was text messaging. I found one on his phone from some stupid b*#ch that said "love you". wtf?! I didn't even bother to bring it up, because I didn't feel like listening to his bulls*#t lies. I hope he realizes, he's not the only one who keeps secrets!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): you are not overeacting in my opinion. just imagine that the tables had turned and he had caught u messaging men only, telling them that u dreamt about them? he would go mad. similar things go on in my relationship, for instance, last night he stayed out until 6am, i was furious, but the next day it was all 4gotten. then i went to a dinner dance with girlfriends and came home at 2. he flipped. men seem to think they are inferior to us women. dont go calling the solicitors just yet. MAKE HIM PAY, GUILT TRIP HIM, perhaps start making him feel insecure and hide your facebook? giv him a does of his own medicine. good luck x
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A
female
reader, salt +, writes (6 July 2008):
salt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update - First off thank you for all of your support and advice and taking the time to write back.
Here is the update. Last night we had it out again. I told him to leave but he begged and pleaded to stay. I let him sleep on the couch, for the kids sake.
I think it is starting to set in how much of a betrayal I see this as. He actually recommeded marriage counseling, and he hates that type of thing.
I am not sure what will happen as of right now I can not stand to look at him or be in the same room. I am actually uncomfortable around my husband. I am going to do some thinking over the next few days and make sure what I need and want before I make a decision. I want to make sure I am not making such a decision out of anger as this will affect 6 lives not just mine and his.
Wish he had thought of that prior to this. . . :(
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (6 July 2008):
 No you are not overreacting. It is cheating. Plain and simple. I wouldn't immediately get a divorce but don't let him get off either. Try talking about it and why he feels the need to talk to this girl since he doesn't consider it "real". It may be me but I don't think it would be ridiculous to ask him to get rid of the account or block the girl altogether. He is married and needs to start acting like it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): No I don't think you overreacted at all. In fact, I commend you for being tough and having so much dignity.
I completely agree with Gecko12. I don't see any point in talking to him either, cause he is just going to weasel his way around the subject and lie. So I think your course of action is excellent. You gave him the boot and I don't think its extreme. Cause like Gecko says, you have to show him that you are FIRM about this and that it is no playing matter. He needs to understand how shady and disrespectful he is being. I would only let him back if he comes to his senses. But yeah this is a very serious matter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): There is a difference between privacy and secrecy, what he is doing is secret. If he were exchanging letters of this sort, it wouldn't even be a question that this is out of line for a married man.
Now he lied, made you cry, does things behind your back and covers them up...he needs to shape up or ship out!
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A
female
reader, EBM2008 +, writes (6 July 2008):
 It was wrong of you to snoop around on his Facebook account, even though he was signed in to begin with. It shows that you dont trust him. Communicate.
This is an issue that is much deeper than your husband talking to women online. Do not let 15 years of marriage and 4 children go down the drain! Let this incident help you strengthen your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Miss Del La Rosa  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 That really must have been har to see. I have been in a similar situation before with a boyfriend and it turned out he was cheating.
I no you love your husband but chances are even if you do ask him for the truth he may still lie to you as he has allready lied about keeping in contact with those girls.
I think you need to keep an eye on what hes doing and providing he has nothing to hide, he shouldnt have a problem with it, as for the element of trust you should explain to him how he should earn your trust back as you & your 15 yrs or marrige are more important than his facebook flirting. I hope this helped
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 He's angry because he got caught. Nothing more, nothing less. What else can he say. He did the deed. You snooped but you were correct. That over rides your invasion of his privacy. Question...If you were really sure he committed a serious crime and the evidence was almost definitely in a drawer in the bedroom....would you open the drawer. Of course you would. Would it be invasion of his privacy...?? Yes, but serving a greater cause. When someone does something wrong and doesn't get caught, that doesn't make it right. It' still wrong.
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A
female
reader, D.D.B +, writes (5 July 2008):
Well it his fault and i bet he knew what was coming.
what you should do is one day when he is out go onto his facebook account and reply to these messages and see what they send back to test and see if he is really cheating on you.
and if it turns out that he is cheating on you then you can easily delete his account and do what you feel is best you can divorce him but what would your children think!!
my mum and dad nearly split up over what state the house was in but then my parents re-considered it because me and my brother didnt want them to.although they still have there arguements. and if you dont know how to tell them then just simpilly get them altoghther and tell them what there farther has done to them and talk about what they think you should do because there is allot to handle money,the kids and the list goes on just take my advice and do what you think is best....
you love him
but
he maybe cheating on you.
sorry if you dont like the advice but i hope it helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Ask your husband what his definition of monogamy is. Tell him that it is important that the two of you agree in your definition, and that if you cannot reach an agreement, that you would like to go to marriage counseling. He may in fact just be having a fantasy-life online, but if that fantasy-life is harming his real life, he needs to realize that his marriage should be a priority.
I don't think you are being insecure. He gave you reason for suspicion, and he left the account open. Ask him if he wants to stay in the marriage. If he does, he needs to cut out this activity.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 From the history I presume you already had a facebook account. How many of your friends are male? Any of the highschool friends ex-crushes perhaps?
Online anonymity can cause us to behave in ways we would never do in public. Few men would really say goodbye in the real world with Hugs and Kisses Everywhere.
Was he cheating, perhaps, a bit, it is hard to say. Perhaps he just thought it was flirting a bit and it went to far.
Just be very certain that your own history is perfectly clean before you judge him.
I think he just let the an online conversation go to far. Perhaps it is just a flirt, maybe it is a fantasy, perhaps a desire for an affair. Hard to say, you are the one who knows him after all.
No you are not over-reacting but these things do happen. Have a fight, then talk it over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Well if it bothers you that much, then tell him that you don't want him to see her again, I mean, he should respect that.......
I sorry, this is not my best advice, but hopefully, anything helps
From:DocDell
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Salt?! What an interesting name.
Your of course going to be weary when he adds ex-girlfriends, but after more than 15 years its unlikely anything still stands. Then when hes only adding girls...
Can I just say that was a pathetic excuse by him, and you saw this by reading through.
I would've done the same thing. I don't think your over reacting. Hes flirting with them. He thinks he can worm his way around. Maybe he hasn't cheated on you as such, he is on his way to.
I think anyway.
Advice...advice...ermmmm - you could talk to him but your probably going to get the same reaction so theres no point. You need to make it clear that your not messing around, you need to stand extremely firm. Whatever he says is probably rubbish - get read for one hell of a stand off!
You need to say how clear you are that this is effecting you. You need to say it stops or you consider it cheating, whether he does or not I think and you think it is.
Look at other peoples advice. If nothing crops up you like message me and I'll recommend you to a few people. Unless of course you want me, and of course I'll reply.
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A
female
reader, lily91 +, writes (5 July 2008):
You do have a right to be annoyed. You and your husband need to talk about it, without arguing or raising voices, you need to have an honest discussion and try and understand eachother's point of view.
While you do have a right to be hurt, I wouldn't consider ending the marriage just yet. This could be resolvable, it may well not be worth losing a 15 year marriage over.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66 +, writes (5 July 2008):
 the only advice i can give you is you have every right to be insecure i know if i found stuff like that on my boyfriends account id be angry too and i have found stuff like that his friend he would send hugs and kisses too but then he explained why and he told me it would never happen in person
i got over it after he told me he would never do it again and i asked him to delete her and not talk to her again and he said he would and he had
maybe if you ask him to not talk to them again then it will be fixed but if he says no then you need to reavaluate your marriage do you want it to lead to an affair in the future ?
it may just be fooling around fun online now but it might change to reality
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