A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am a 41 years old and have been married for 25 years. My wife and I were High Schools sweethearts. We have two children on in college and one in high school. I love my wife but really haven't told her that enough over the years.Sex for me has always been good but there has been an emotional disconnect. My wife really doesn't enjoy sex and she says it just hurts. She is 5'0" and I am 6'2" maybe size does matter.I have had a couple of one night stands in the first 10 years of our marriage but these were not something that I initiated but rather just wound up in the situation. It intregied me how these girls at the time really enjoyed the experience as much or more than I did. It was really exciting.Within the last two years I have found myself actively pursuing One night Stand time dates. these dates don't always end up in having sex but are very fulfilling emotionally to me. I have even met one girl that I have shared my problems with and we have become friends with benefits.I don't really feel bad for what I am doing but I realize it can't go on forever. Recently my wife was checking up on me and found a message taking about a lunch date. She talked to me about it and she said she felt bad for checking up on me. We had a long talk and got to the bottom of several issue. She said she really feels nothing during sex and doesn't think it is fair to either of us to continue. She also said she doesn't feel loved and doesn't want to waste the rest of her life on a mistake.We both agree to try and work things out. I still love my wife and she really loves me. Slowly I am drifting back to my old ways. Sex with my wife really hasn't changed and if she really isn't feeling anything the how could it change.I have continued looking for one night stands and covering my tracks a little better than before. As before, I know this can't go on forever but I am not strong enough to end it.Nick
View related questions:
friend with benefits, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to evaluate my issue. I have spent time evaluating it also and came up with this:
To myself,
I have been married to the same wonderful lady for the past 22 years. She and I met in high school and married two years after graduation. We have always been best friends and have been able to talk to each other about anything.
As the years go by, and the kids grow up there has been less and less to talk about. We both have our hobbies and these interests don’t really overlap. I enjoy flying and almost any adrenaline sport; she enjoys working out and maybe other activities that we have neglected to discover. She has girl friends that she can talk to and relate with but even this is not enough to really replace a misguided best friend.
She also has at least one male friend at the gym that she can talk to. In the past I found myself jealous of him. Not that I really fear anything is going on between her and him but it is more that she can now relate better with him and her girl friends than she can with me. I feel like I have lost my best friend and am afraid.
I have a few friends at work and a few friends in the flying community but none that I could consider a best friend. I need someone I can talk to when things aren’t going well and someone to share exciting moments with. It has always been easier for me to talk to girls about things like this but I feel the need to keep my female friends a secret from her. In the past I have tried to make friends with girls that are mutual friends. These usually don’t work out because she or her girlfriends become judgmental and make the whole concept seem wrong.
The deception has got to stop! I should be allowed to have real friends male or female. People I can talk to, cry with and share experiences with and have to feel ashamed or hide these wonderful people from my one and true best friend. She should be able to have this freedom also. The truth of the matter is 22 years is a long time for two people to be together. We have lived, loved, had children, watched them grow and now we need to breath and share our experiences with each other all over again.
The inclusion of independent close friends shouldn’t come between us and the jealousy, which is mostly my issue, is just destroying us. If anything these friends will make us stronger. We will have more to talk about when we are together and more creditable options when we are alone. I feel this is just the beginning of a new life together.
With Love
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 September 2009):
 Your wife says two conflicting things: it hurts and she feels nothing. She hasn't enjoyed sex in 25 years? Poor thing! Omigod, that's just a long time to have such an unfulfilling sex life.
So her clitoris isn't working? She doesn't lubricate? She doesn't respond to manual or oral stimulation? She doesn't feel ANYTHING?
Doctor's appointment for her. A physical with bloodwork and the doctor should discuss the possibility of depression with her.
And you, have you been tested for STIs? Maybe you brought home something that has caused this problem for her? Needless to say, you need to decide who deserves your full attention at the moment: your penis or your wife. You talked about an emotional disconnect: you don't tell your wife you love her much, your attention is on finding one night stands, it's basically about you. No wonder there's an emotional disconnect.
I tend to lecture cheaters on something that really ticks me off: having sex with random strangers exposes you to lots of STIs. Some STIs are "silent" in men (and women) in that you don't show any symptoms. So you then bring home an STI to an unsuspecting spouse, who has trusted you with her life and by extension, her health. So basically, you're f*cking with your wife's health by sleeping around. Not cool, not cool at all. VERY irresponsible, selfish and passively-aggressively cruel.
I have a good friend who is a physician specializing in treated patients with HIV. He sees many cases where a woman has been infected by her husband. She has NO idea he was sleeping around, and here she gets a life-threatening, potentially and often FATAL disease, because he couldn't keep it in his pants AND he didn't have the balls to be truthful with her.
So you get yourself to the doctor's as well.
And then, next stop, I think, is marriage counseling. I think your wife deserves to be with a guy who cherishes her and loves her--you have some deciding to do. And for god's sake, don't blindside her with this without some sensitivity.
Perhaps a good place for you to start is a sex addicts support group or a really good therapist. I think you need it.
Good luck, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your wife. She deserves the guy she thinks she's married to, not the guy she's got right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (22 September 2009):
 Maybe you two are now in the crisis situation which every couple experience., you must be more strong in your emotion.. what about going somewhere, taking relax, have time together, quiete mood, sitting together near by the sea just relax and try to start to feel each other again,,,.. nothing will lose if you both try to work it out again.. good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): you are addicted to sex with strangers. you will get caught. noly a matter of time.
time to sign on the dotted line. after all you don't have a real marriage. you are not committed and basically your wife is not enough for you. so what else is there.
...............................
A
male
reader, thebeardedguy  +, writes (21 September 2009):
You are so mean! You should not do this with your wife, whose been with you for the last 25 years and gave birth to two children and raised them.How can you even think of one night stand?Will you like if your wife does that???If she doesn't enjoy sex, do you ever asked?? Did you ever tried to find what problem she is facing??? Did you heed to her emotional needs?Marriages are not just about liking each other and having sex, it has a lot more in it.The bliss that one used to find in relationship is disappearing slowly and steadily.I advice you to go back to your wife, take her to a holiday, talk to her about all the problems that you are facing, connect with her. I am sure she'll love you till eternity.And whatever she told in frustration, don't take it seriously!
...............................
A
male
reader, jc2008  +, writes (21 September 2009):
If the woman doesn't enjoy sex then she isn't getting into the mood, does she feel uncomfortable sexually? If so maybe she can talk to someone about that. I agree with caring guy about the marrage councelling but to stop the cheating, I would disassociate with the women that you are using for sex and also I make an effort not to go looking for sex. You both need to face this head on and make a decision, hope that you do and are both happy with it.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 September 2009):
I'm a young man, so my view might be a bit idealistic. Have you and your wife considered counselling? She's told you that there are problems and she doesn't feel loved, but she didn't ask for a split. She may be hoping that you'll respond by saying you don't want to. See if she'll try couselling. When you're with the counsellor alone, tell him/her about your problems and see what they sugget. Might be worth a try. lots of luck.
...............................
|
