A
male
age
51-59,
*DW
writes:Well agony aunts... It's me. The one that moved to Tennessee to be with a woman I love, that turned out to be a rough ride with 3 kids... Bring back memories now. I wanted to provide an update and get more brutality thrown my way because it helps me a lot. :)I spent 18 days down under on business. Before I left she told me her and her boys were going to move out while I was away. The first week I was there she called and advised me her ex husband was going to stop paying support and alimony. 2K a month. I told her I would help anyway possible, or however I can. She blew a gasket. She didn't know why she couldn't live upstairs and pay half the rent (1800) and we each do our own thing...I told her that was ludicrous. Would never work. Plus I was moving out of the house to get out of the 3850 per month lease. I knew she couldn't and I wouldn't make her pay. I paid everything as it was. I mean everything. But that is ok, I never complained about it. I loved her. So after her fit throwing and calling me every name in the book, she moved out while I was away. She took most everything, but she left the house clean, and really did a lot that she didn't have to do. I paid for her move. When I got home the house was bare. Lonely as hell, depressing. I went to her house, and we spoke and made love. She was acting like a different person. We got along unbelievably well, better than when we were in the house together. I paid to landscape her yard, while she was working I went to the store for her and loaded up on groceries for her and the boys. I moved more things to her house she left behind from the previous house. I did everything I could for her to show her I cared. I went and baught scrubs for her since she didn't have time to being booked with clients. To make her not worry about income since she wasn't bringing in much yet I went and left money at her salon for her hair to be done. Whatever, didn't matter I was doing it. After a couple of weeks of this, I just came from her attorney's he was giving information on her ex and court date. I drove to her house and was speaking toher about it, she was being so loving, kind, caring, affectionate, etc... My son called, I answered and he said he was hungry. He just got back from a camp and not much in the frig. So I told her I was going to run and get him something to eat. No sooner than I got of the drive way she text me and said I cater to my boys...Its over. I just happen to jump on a conference call and didn't respond. She sent me another text and called me a Pus*y because I cater to my boys. By the time I got to the house she was saying F-Off, F-You, don't ever come by my house again. This is just from leaving to get my son some food. We finally spoke, and she calmed down. And actually apologized. 2 days later, same story, similar outcome.. 2 days later, we were at Chili's. She was asking me if I would move back to Dallas for my boys if it meant regaining full custody of them. I told her that I would probably do that, but I have custody of them. If I did, it would be temporary. Well, she hated that answer. She threw a fit in Chilis. TOld me that she would never see me again, I cater to my boys, I put them first, she's not going to be with a man that does that and walked out of Chili's. The next day was Friday. I tried calling. She blocked my number. I took her some things to her work and we spoke briefly. When she got off, we were supposed to go to the movies with all the boys. However, She text me that she was tired and we didn't go. She kept on texting and started getting amped up again over the fact that my boys are more important than her. She told me to never text, call, etc... F-Off, F-You, etc... Same old story.. So, I called Penske moving and reserved a truck to leave on Sunday. I called a Marine buddy up and he dropped everthng to fly up and help me pack everything up. My son, marine buddy, and I packed the rest of the stuff up, loaded it on the truck and left. Prior to leaving I took more stuff she had to her house while she was at work. I drove her sons truck to her house, filled it up with gas and dropped it off. I left in such a hurry, I didn't really clean the house, I just had to get the hell out of there. Not how I do business but I had to leave. I didn't tell her bye, I didn't say a word, I didn't respond to her text, etc..I just had to go. It was extremely hard. One of the hardest things I've ever done I think. She immediately called me and was crying when she found out I left. She was really crying. I felt so damn bad, cowardly in fact. But I just couldn't take her mouth, and it hurt too bad to say good bye. When I got to Texas she was on my mind in a big way. Amazingly hurt, and depressed feeling. My son and I stayed with my mother, stayed in a value inn hotel, Baymont hotel.. while I registered him at school. We were literlly living out of a hotel room..I put everthng in storage. I started to clear my head so I could focus on my sons. I even enlisted the help of a therapist MD.. Because I had a lot going on in my head. She and I started communcating over the phone. She was telling me I abandoned her and her boys. I was a coward she told me. I was the lowest form of life to leave her and her boys there knowing that her ex stopped paying child support, and she hadn't built her clientele up yet. I felt even worse, because I truly care for her. Every other day that we speak its about me abandoning her and her boys. I've flown back to see here the past several weeks.. One day she is ok with everything that transpired and understands. She's seeing a counselor. The next she goes on a rampage calling me everything in the book. When she sees me in person she cries and squeezes me like there is no tomorrow. I hug on her the same way. We are amazingly passionate, and intimate with one another. Then as soon as I fly out, here come the hate text. I'm not there for her, I abandoned her and her boys, I'm a liar, I'm a coward, etc... Then she calms down and its good for a day or two..I told her I wanted her to get help. I was going to get counseling as well. We both work on us since something is obviously messed up from our, or since our divorces. She agreed. She talks about wanting to marry me, loving me more than anything, etc... on and on and on...I am with her as well. Soon as I leave she goes into this funk and starts the ranting towards me. This week I'm out of the country on business. I was dead tired. Fell asleep and didn't call or text her. I wake up to a text saying F-You. You were screwing around and partying last night. I never do that. Don't even drink.Sure the hell don't party a lot. The type of business I'm in is the very conservative on top of that. But, she blocked my number, same old ranting and raving. At the same time she was doing this I had purchased a really cool computer for her. She got it in. When she got it in that stopped the ranting really quick. However, she say my new address on the box. I house I am renting short term. She didn't like that because its a house and she's not in it...I'm here, and she's there, and I'm not there or ever do anything for her. She also made a comment that if I loved her I would pay her rent of 1500, and told me I have the money for my sons car who is about to start driving, or his golf but I can't even pay her rent, after everything else I've done for her. She said this after I have flown in to see her, purchased her more scrubs, went to the grocery store for her and filled the refrig and cabinets..and purchased flowers and sent to her work. Not to mention the computer I bought because she needed one, and the products for her facials business almost 700 worth. So to make a longer story shorter, earlier this morning she was texting me how much she loved me, and missed me. Then, after she found out I wasn't living in a hotel anymore she text me today I was evil, F-Me, F-Off, don't call, blocking my calls, etc... same old story,.... So here I am. I'm moved out. Away from her. She still has an egagement ring, although she said she is sending it back via UPS. I'm a liar, coward, the lowest life form as she states. She blames everything on me. Her actions and stress levels are a result of me she says. She has never been this way before until she met me. She is 45 years old. Does anyone see any trend her besides recommending a straignt jacket for me? I don't know why I keep going back, and fighting to save her and I. I really do care about her, and love her. But why would I care and love someone that is constantly doing that to me, and says she wants nothing to do with my boys... I'm ready for the responses. I know they will be brutal but I need some reality check again... Thank you agony aunts..
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at work, depressed, divorce, flowers, her ex, liar, money, moved out, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Hadn't passive aggressive personally disorder been dropped from the list of "official " personality disorders in DVM-IV ( by American Psychiatric Association ) ? Psychiatrists do not recognize it officiallly as a psychiatric disturbance any more.
It is true that there are passive aggressive character traits that people may exhibit, but I can't see how they apply to your ex , because passive- aggressivity is all about displaying anger and aggression not openly and actively , but ( duh ) passively, in covert , devious ways. Therefore, it's not about yelling , cursing, and being arrogant like your ex ,... it's more like blaming people for your own failures, procrastinating, being stubborn, avoiding taking a stand on issues, not taking responsibility , sulking, fucking up on purpose, saying yes when you mean no but then steaming inside....
actually, some of these traits seem perhaps to apply better to you !
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): Not trying to be rude but I don't see her being the problem, I think you need to take a look at the man in the mirror for allowing this type of behaviour to happen to you. Like Lucky 786 said, you're a puppet on a string for her and she knows she can guide that string any direction she wants because she knows you are a very weak man.
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A
male
reader, BDW +, writes (14 September 2012):
BDW is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well agony aunts., someone reached out and asked me to look up passive aggressive personality disorder. Describes her to the letter. I would guess to say 90 percent match.. Even talks about what it stems from. Describes her childhood to the T, and her current situation raising a special needs child. Also said it is one of the most miserable of personality disorders..
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A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (14 September 2012):
 This cycle of soul-destroying madness will keep going until YOU decide to hit the brakes.
That will only happen when you start to value yourself and realise you're a puppet on a string for her.
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A
female
reader, Seraphim +, writes (14 September 2012):
 This is not what a relationship should be. I think she has trust issues because everytime you are away from her she starts sending you nasty text messages and seems like she is an emotional abuser. Someone who constantly hurts your feelings is really not good for you and i think you should give her an ultimatum; she needs to get some help or your done . I also think shes trying to be the dominant figure nothings wrong with that But your the man , the provider show her whos boss because seems like she is taking the piss. She has to appreciate that you have been helping her out. And one last thing she really shouldnt get jelous of your boys. Your children will always come first so she really needs to take a chill pill cause her being mad about that is pathetic. You sound like a good man and i think you can do better
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 September 2012):
 I remember you and I wonder why you are back, honestly.
EVERYONE told you that IT IS NOT a healthy relationship and to get out. You obviously ignored everyone and now you are in deeper shit.
I think YouWish's advice about finding a therapist and a Gatekeeper is valid and to the point. However, I think you won't listen to any of the advice because deep down you get more out of this horribly toxic relationship then anyone should.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 September 2012):
 Heh, I didn't mean that the OP should lock himself up. However, he needs a hand-on Gatekeeper, AND he needs some more intensive therapy.
I read his other posts going back to March, and what struck me is that he doesn't have the ability to break away from her on his own, and when he tries, she clings onto him, giving him a carrot in the form of sex or giving him ego fulfillment that he's "rescuing" her.
I am talking about being a bit more extreme because I think this is simply beyond a "get rid of her" situation. It *is* an addiction. His very brain has tied its dopamine receptors to get actual emotional needs met from this highly destructive relationship.
As much as he can, he needs to get away from his surroundings and change his triggers, which is why I suggested that he block her and if possible change his phone numbers, email, etc. There are codependency support groups available, which would help him, but even more, he would benefit from an addiction support group also focusing on relationship dynamics. It's someone extremely sick in the head to shell out the sheer magnatude of money he does while simultaneously taking mountains of abuse.
I also suggest being drastic because this whole environment and his behavior is really REALLY traumatizing his kids.
BDW, would stand by and let this woman berate your children in the way she's doing this to you? Would you let her take advantage of your children, take their money from them, then tell your kids to "F off", call *them* pussies, and cut them off from you?
That's what she's doing. She is HURTING your sons. She is hurting them really really bad. She is destroying and dismantling your relationship with them. She wants your sons OUT of your life. She would rather see your son hungry than to allow you to be a father and put them first like you should.
You might as well sit back and let her take a stick to your sons and beat them with it over and over. You're breaking your sons' hearts by your actions and by your inactions. You might as well be berating your sons themselves and telling them to their face that they mean nothing to you.
For 5 months, you have been tearing your sons hearts out and subjecting them to trauma. You're the only one that can stop it! Do whatever it takes....even if it's extreme....to immediately cause her to never again be able to communicate a single word to you ever again. That money you're shelling out to her?? Your sons, who you gave birth do...they are the only ones you should ever consider giving to in that way. She has an ex. Her kids aren't yours. She is responsible. You are taking from your own sons.
Will you be a father, or will you be a junkie?
What will your sons say about you when you're gone?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 September 2012):
I think it is evident that you need therapy for your codependent issues, and kudoos to you for at least having taken the first steps in the right direction by moving away and by seeking counseling. But no counseling will work without your active consent and cooperation, counseling is not like ,say, an antibiotic, which will suppress your infection whether you want or not. You have to really WANT to make changes, and I think deep down you do not want to make changes, you want to go through all the same shit over and over again, so that you can feel bad about yourself, write to Dear Cupid , get some scolding , some " tough love " as you say,... then restart the cycle again, because it's a cycle that give you the paradoxical advantage you crave.
So, maybe YouWish's suggestion of getting yourself locked up is a bit drastic , but at least stop mucking around and tryng to fool yourself. Either you chose willingly to live with this addiction ( yes, there are also emotional/ affective addictions ) or, you show you mean business by taking that very easy, simple step that curiosly you have not tried yet : CUT CONTACT. Block her on e-mail and social networks, change your phone numbers, get a restraining order if needs be. Make yourself unavailable and unreachable. It's over ! who cares what she thinks about you ? She thinks that you are low and coward etc.etc.... SO WHAT ? The point is, you do not need to worry about what she thinks, that's not your problem anymore- because she is history ,if so you decide.
Once you have decided for real, then seek therapy and support ( there also are both self guided and counselor facilitated self -help groups for emotional / affective addiction, like for any other dependence).
You sound like a caring, devoted father and to keep your resolution, perhaps it may help you to think what kind of disservice you are doing to your kids by throwing so much money away behind a toxic relationship. Pardon me, but for a father, that's bordering with obscene, it is not much different that if you were wasting it on cocaine or booze . That's all money that could go toward your children's education ( or golf clubs, or whatever ) and you have been using it instead to fuel a selfish, unhealthy habit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): I find it very hard to believe that people actuall stay in these abusive relationships.
You know there's a biting dog aroung the corner so why whould you keep taking your A$$ around the corner to get attack by the same dog?
Does people really have a brain anymore? What happen to common sense? Can anyone go to the store and buy common sense?
Your Marine buddy came so fast because he knows you have some serious problems.
I just hope you let her go. She could be lying that her children's father doesn't pay child support, she's a gold digger and she knows that she can tell you anything and you'll believe it.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (14 September 2012):
 Hi
Why would anyone choose to live like this when there is an alternative? Its like walking a field of landmines your relationship with her.
She has an Ex,the father of her children,he is the one she should be getting money off,helping with their kids, he is the one who's left her high and dry.
You provide for your children, but your not exactly showing them a good stable happy life,not while your involvment with this toxic woman continues.Throwing cash around is not parenting, creating a warm,loving,easygoing home is..
So your NOT putting your kids first your putting yourself and this woman before everything and everyone.
You KNOW how to stop it all,end the relationship,cut contact, you choose not to.
Being in love doesn't mean being miserable and controlled by a she devil,so your not even in love really..what exactly is your excuse? Time to 'grow a pair'.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): Man you need to forget about that women and move on with your life, she's bipolar, I don't think it's so much that you really care for her, I think you just miss being aroung her and miss the name calling.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 September 2012):
Okay, before I give you advice, I'm going to ask the other aunts who read this to withhold their initial reactions to my post. Don't spit coffee onto any monitors or read the beginning paragraph, rate me -99 stars, and berate me with words that would shatter glass:
Here goes...
You are a complete junkie. You're paying for your girlfriend like a heroin addict pays for drugs. Your girlfriend is shredding you up emotionally and mentally the same way that drugs do, and without the nasty rotten teeth!
Tell you to leave her? No way! You get something out of this relationship, wild, crazy, f'ed up as it is. You meet emotional needs this way, all at a bargain price of several thousand dollars, your own family relationships strained, and massive piles of verbal abuse. You *get* something out of this, or you wouldn't need us to tell you to cut her off.
What you need is rehab. You need an intervention. You need someone in real life to help you cut her off. You need someone in real life who's going to watch over you, screen your calls, tell her off, strap you to the chair when you start your withdrawal from her after quitting her for the 99th time. Seriously. You're a complete addict. Oxycontin isn't strong enough for you. You need this toxic vampire who surprisingly is emotionally giving you what you need even as she is horrendously bad for you.
And I know *exactly* what she's giving you:
She strokes your ego. YES, I know. How can she stroke your ego if she's telling you to F off, berating you, calling you not a man and a coward? Easy! You bail her out. It's a shot to the ego to be the knight in shining armor. It's a shot to the ego to get her to cool off and make love to you after the way she's treated you. It's a shot to the ego to make her dependent on you. She's the center of your world, and while you know she's destroying you, you just want to shut off and be numb when it comes to her.
You need a GATEKEEPER. Someone who you will entrust to physically bar you from her, and bar her from you. Someone who can have surveillance of your wallet, your computer, your physical person, your phone, etc. You can't break free on your own because you're a junkie! If willpower was what it took, this would have been done years ago.
Get someone (or more than one) who's going to help you at this level. Check into an Al-anon or some similar intense rehab program. I'm serious! You're looking at this as a love/romance problem, when it's really an addiction.
After you get this Gatekeeper, you need a restraining order against her (After telling her it's over once and for all). A real no-contact order...one you also are legally bound to keep. How can she make you feel guilty when you're unable to hear her? How can she drag you back in when you have her cut off and blocked? How can you indulge your ego when someone else can see your every purchase and hold you accountable?
You've been here before. You can't do this on your own. Yes, a therapist is good, but you really need REHAB and a serious gatekeeper. Then change all of your phone numbers and put yourself in that gatekeeper's hands. Then find a more healthy way to fulfill your needs, or we'll see you back here with no progress!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (14 September 2012):
 never contact her again. change your number. rip up any mail from her and block her from email or change your email too. it's not enough to just 'try and cut contact' you need to block her or divert all forms of contact because she will worm her way in because she know she can.
She wants your money and your guilt so that you'll feel bad enough to give you more money. you are too close to this woman to think clearly enough to see what kind of damage she is. she is every form of parasite, i'm sure she can be nice, and she must be good in bed, but that can't be it because the harm waaaaaaaay outweighs the good. focus on your children. you're not doing any good to them by uprooting them and then throwing money at this toxic person. you need to let yourself be depressed for a while about this. you need to think about why you let yourself be used so badly and for so long like this. you need to relearn to love yourself, trust yourself, and find other loves around you.
you need people around you to constantly remind you how you are better than this, how not to contact her. you are almost addicted to her, and maybe it's the good in her that you're addicted to but it is ruining you as much as any alcohol or drug dependency would. Take a vacation, go on a retreat, do meditation or yoga, think about who you want to be, how strong you want to be for yourself and your family, and how to achieve it. please keep writing in for additional support. you need to be the one to put your foot down for good, or she'll yoyo you the rest of your life, driving you into debt or the grave from the stress, which ever comes first.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (14 September 2012):
It is time to put your foot down and tell her that you aren't going to do anything more for her. No more money for rent, no more buying things for her business, no more buying food, no more buying her love, and no more flying to her to have intimate relations.
She needs to start taking care of herself and her family. She isn't going to do that as long as you continue to come running every time she has a crisis, calls you a coward, says you abandoned her and her children, and blocks you from contacting her.
As i see it, she is using you for your money. She is manipulating you by saying you don't care about her or her children. If she doesn't have an income, she can get foodstamps to buy food for her and her children. She is going to have to swallow her pride and start taking care of her family without your emotional and financial support. If you truely love her, it is time to put your foot down. It is time for her to experience 'tough love' from you. It is the only way she will realize she has a serious problem and begin to work on her volatility.
You need to take care of yourself and your son. Focus on raising your child. You need to realize that the way you allow this woman to treat you could be detrimental to his development and affect his relationships with women for the rest of his life. If he sees his dad being treated terribly by women, flying off and giving them money whenever they beg, doing their bidding even when the woman doesn't seem to care at all about him...he is going to think that being abused is a normal part of a relationship and he can buy a woman's affection if he simply had enough money.
Money can't buy happiness. Both you and this woman need to realize this. You will never have enough money to make her happy. She will not be satisfied with what you have given until she remembers what it is like to earn her own through honest work. Right now, she is essentially an escort. She is affectionate when she needs money, and once you've paid, she makes it clear it is time for you to leave.
Please, stop this madness! There are plenty of women who would love you unconditionally for who you are: a loyal, hard-working family man. You just need some time to heal and find the right one for you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 September 2012):
 The solution is easy and clear: Run for the hills and never look back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): She is crazy as hell leave her alone. Get yourself together and continue 2 got to counseling to better yourself. You don't need the drama. Take care of your boys like you been doing and concentrate on being the best person you can be. Leave her to her own misery. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (14 September 2012):
 She may be bi polar. She may just be a bitch. Either way she sounds just god awful. I can't tell you why you are still into this woman. I haven't read any of your previous posts before. She obvioulsy wants all the attention and your sons out of your life completely. Why would you want a woman like this...? And she doesn't appreciate anything you do. She throws fits almost daily it sounds like and acts much like a 15 year old girl would when angry, blocking you constantly... But you know all of this. You know you shouldn't be with her, that's why you need a reality check from other people. I think living far from her should be a big help in moving on. Why can't you block HER and just leave her out of your life? You don't live there anymore, it should be easy. Maybe you need to talk to your counselor about that. Don't worry about trying to fix anything you had with her, she is not stable or sane or anything you should be around.
Also don't let her make you feel guilty! It is not YOUR job to pay for what her ex isn't. You aren't the one who left her high and dry, her ex is! She is an adult. She needs to take care of her own damn self. In no way is it your responsibility to provide and care for this woman. She needs to be put on medication and take care of herself and her own life. You need to find out why you are holding onto such a destructive relationship that you know isn't right. Until then, block her in every way you can and move on. You can do it, you just have to be strong enough and want to. If you don't then don't expect anyone to feel sorry for you. It's your choice to put up with such abuse. There is not a single good thing about this "relationship".
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