A
female
age
30-35,
*adey
writes:i am 16 and i lost a baby with my boyfriend who i have been with for 1 year and a half my mam did not no i was pregnant and now she has just found out i am haveing sex and i really want to try for anouther my mam thinks it will spoil my life but my boyfriend has a job and my big sister can watch it when i attend collage what do you think i should do ?? jade
View related questions:
want a baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, xxcamille123xx +, writes (3 March 2010):
 I am 16 and my boyfriend and i have been talking about having a baby for months, we know we are sufficeintly mature enough. He has an evening job which earns a good amount. what i would like to know is.. if you are a hard working person, is it possible to go to college and have a baby, im starting this huge amazing college september and its been my dream for years, i am hard working and i can cope with stress. I will not have to not go to college will i?
A
female
reader, cls1990 +, writes (21 April 2009):
 if you really want a baby then i think you should go for it....IF
Your willing to give up everything you do to look after a baby.
Your prepared to get up numerous times during the night, without a lie-in in the morning.
You have enough money to provide you & your babys with the things you need
You are willing to put your life on hold.
Yes you will be able to go out with your friends sometimes but you will be tired from looking after the baby, if your partner is working it will be you getting up during the night.
I know how you feel, i've wanted a baby since i was 16. My partner & i have decided to wait. Its so hard wanting something so much but not being in the position to have it!
Good luck with your decision, if you want a chat pm me
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 April 2009):
 Doesn't anyone look at the dates??? And who blew the margin???
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): I figured it would post my say on this because A was in the exact situation.I will be 17 in two months and now have 4 month old twin girls, one of which has down syndrom. I honestly cant say I regret it, because they are my life now and i love them. But, I had to quit college because things were getting so tight, i have two jobs, not counting being a mother, that both pay minimum wage, just to try and make ends meet. My boyfriend left as soon as the girls were born because he blamed me for Audrey's Disorder. Im still trying to payoff the medical bills from delivery, and still have stomach pains because they had to preform an emergency C-section and wont heal right.I knew i couldnt handle it, I ended up joining a group that offered councling and free daycare after my mum kicked me and the girls out.When ever you think of having a child, i bet you think of a healthy gurgling baby, well that dosent always happen. You have to really thinkabout everything before you go through with it.. and i didnt, the only thing i regret more than not being prepared is knowing i wont ever be able to give my girls everything they deserve.
...............................
A
female
reader, karinap78 +, writes (12 April 2009):
 i think you should go for what u want every1 is against you and i just dont seem why. there are so many young mums out there who all seem to do a great job some do better jobs then the older parents. ppl have told you u can't go out or go drinking with your friend but you can jus less often. u have family so they would be more then happy to help you with baby needs. I no some people who have had children at a young age unplanned and think its the best thing they have ever done. everyone says it will be hard well i think u already no it will be extremely hard but u will cope well u will have too. u can carry on at collage as normal but u will have to leave when you are 8months and then afta u can go back as soon as u want whenever u feel ready too.and then ur boyfriend or your family could look after the baby. they will be more then happy too i think just like any dad or family but as long as you don't over do it and make them look after your baby all the time it will be ok. and all babies do when they are first born is cry sleep need feeding and wake u up in the middle of hte night im sure u would b able 2 cope with that. don't listen to all the nonsense and people telling you u shouldn't have a child i say GO 4 IT.
...............................
A
female
reader, melodaea +, writes (28 September 2007):
 Think about what you're proposing to us here. I'm sorry to sound horribly patronising but it's only this year that sex has become legal for you.When I was 16 I gained my first boyfriend, but there is no way on earth that we could have children- I am young and I have a promising future, and he is progressing up the career ladder, not to mention the fact that we do not live together. If we were ever to entertain having children, we would be in a strong, loving relationship and preferably married. I am but a child myself, but a baby does not stay a baby forever, they will grow up and become adults.That's 18-19 years of money and time you could be using to live your own life and go to university, get a decent job, get married, meet new people, see new places...That baby will need your attention so much during the early stages of it's life- the attachment it forms to you will shape it's existence in later life (if you're interested, google "Bowlby's Theory of Attachments") You cannot expect to form a healthy relationship when you are not there to look after it, and it is spectacularly unfair to rely on the rest of your family to mind it while you're away.Picture this situation: You have a very important exam at college first thing in the morning, and your little one begins to cry at 3am. It keeps you up through the night and you don't do so well on the exam because you're tired.Another situation: You'd like to have dinner alone with your beau for Valentines Day, and ask everyone you know whether they can babysit for 2 hours. No-one can, and you wind up taking the child with you.At only 16, do you really want to go through all this? You've been with your boyfriend one and a half years- there's so much to explore within the relationship, discovering more and more about each other... with a child, it'll be all the both of you can think about.Please take my advice and wait until you are in your 20's. You'll be happy you did.If you have any more questions, please feel free to private message me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): Penta, you took the words right out of my mouth. Great answer!! Jade, of course your Mother would love your baby. But sweety, she's only 48...she's not half dead! And has it ever occurred to you, that she doesn't want to help you 'raise' achild. She's put in her time and is still raising your little sister. You can have a baby when you are done college, and have your footing in the adult world. When you and Cameron are more mature and able to tackle life, head on. That is just about 5-7 years away. Sweety, the true mark of maturity in being a Mother, is not expecting all your family to help you raise this child. It when you and Cameron are financially and emotionally ready to shoulder this huge responsibility all on your own. So yes, as Penta states...you are being extremely selfish to expect your family to just drop things in their life to help you. You are certainly not showing any regard or respect for their individual lives and what they want. It's all about you, Cameron and this baby. This type of feelings of entitlement are a deep, deep sign of immaturity...none what it takes to be a good, mature, responsible Mother. Please reconsider until you are older. Don't burden your family with this. It's one thing to have family 'offer' to help you...it's quite another to just simply expect it. Sadly, they likely do love you very much and would help you...but is that fair to them? I think not.
...............................
A
female
reader, penta +, writes (18 September 2007):
 Wow. You are REALLY young if you think that 48 is "getting on," lol. Your parents ARE NOT old. They could live another 30-40 years! More than enough time for you to finish growing up yourself, finish college, get a career and settle down.
Watching a baby is VERY DIFFERENT from being it's mother. Expecting your family to drop everything because they'll fall in love once the baby is here is VERY SELFISH. Unless you plan to do this entirely on your own, you need to take their stated wants into consideration.
You are not considering this baby's needs. You are only considering your own. Please take some time to think about this seriously. Do as another poster recommended and find a new mother your own age to talk to, to see what she thinks.
Do yourself a favor and print this and save it for when you're "old." You'll be surprised.
...............................
A
female
reader, jadey +, writes (18 September 2007):
jadey is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank u for those that rote back i am going to considder it but i am mature enough to look after a baby i have 2 nieces aged 4 and 6 i also have a little sister aged 6 and i no how to look after a child i dont just want one because i think i will help me but i want one becuse my mam and dad are getting on now my dad is 57 and my mam is 48 they where old when they had my little sister but i grew up with nobody but my mam dad and big sister i had no outher family i want my kids to meet my parents cameron would like a baby too he says he would love to have a family with me he is not just my boyfriend he is my best friend he knows me more then i no myself and he has always been here for me and he would be a great dad i think we would be responsible parents and becase of my age 16 ppl think i am still but what did yous get up to when yous where younger i am a mature person i dony like drinking or going to the town o went through a point where i was always out with my friends but now me and my boyfriend both sty in he is currently liveing with me (its a long story) but any way that was my life story and thank you for your ansers xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, jadey +, writes (18 September 2007):
jadey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes u say that i am young and i am but my boyfriend would like a baby too and i dont just want one for my own needs i would be able to give my baby everything it needed my mam and dad would be there too i go to collage 3 days a week and whern my sister had her baby i used to babysit for her when i finnished school my mam would disagree if i did fall pregnant but when it would be born she would fall in love with it my mam and dad aare getting on now with there age and as i have grew up with no grandparents or anything like that i would like my child meeting me parents i may be young but i dont really no myself i never went to any councill meeting things or anything like that my boyfriend was also very sad and he says he would love to have a family with me and we both love eachouther he is not just my boyfriend but he is also my best friend but thank you for your reply xxxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Jade, while I am truely sorry for your painful loss, I feel you may be jeopardizing your future, because it is a a fact, that teen mothers are less likely to complete a college education. It sounds like you are feeling some emotional problems in your life..a void. In lieu, of your recent loss that is completely normal. Did you ever get post natal counsel or support after the loss of your first baby? Sometimes teen girls who are unhappy think a baby will fulfill their own emotional needs. Babies don't do that, dear. They are fun, cute and wonderful, but babies are the ones that have the unrelenting, huge emotional 'needs' that must be accomodated, night and day-to flourish, to be healthy and grow up happily. So one has to stop thinking about what 'she needs' and think of this what a baby will need. What does your bf, the perspective father think of all this? In your posting his feelings for what 'you' want and desire is not mentioned. Write us back and tell us ..exactly why you, yourself, would want this baby and what it will mean to you?
...............................
A
female
reader, penta +, writes (17 September 2007):
I don't think you have thought this through. I'm a recent mother (ages 2 and 3.5). Babies take A LOT of time (24/7 time, you can't give it back when you're exhausted and it's crying at 3:30 in the morning. Which they do. A lot). And they're expensive. (Forgive the $$ rather than pounds, but I don't know the British costs.) If you plan to use disposable diapers, plan on spending between $1,600-$2,300 by the time your baby is potty-trained. Expect your baby to go through at least 7-8 diapers a day on average and spending $80-$130 a month on diapers alone (especially in the first few months, when changes are more frequent.) Cloth diapering can be just as expensive as disposables if you use a diaper service. If you launder them yourself, you can save money. It is estimated that cloth diapering cost approximately $800-$1,100 by the time your baby is potty-trained (without the diaper service.)For formula (up until your baby is one-year-old), expect to spend between $1,000-$2,300- depending on whether you use powder in a can or ready-to-pour liquids. Plan on spending at least $40 a week on infant formula. You can really cut your costs dramatically by breastfeeding for a year or more.This doesn't include HOUSING, BABY GEAR (car seats, clothes, shoes, Crib, changing table, etc.), EDUCATION, CHILD CARE (when you sister gets tired of putting her life on hold for you), PLAY PEN, TOYS, TEETHERS, or MEDICAL COSTS (both for you, delivering the child, and the baby).Please, wait until you have a solid career and are living on your own. You don't have the right situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Do you have your own place to live? Do you have enough income to support your child and then secondly (because you will come second to a child when it arrives) yourself and your boyfriend? How are you going to repay your sister for looking after your child? What about her life? How are you going to feel when your child has kept you up all night crying and then you have a long college day ahead of you? What about when your friends are celebrating their birthdays with nights out and parties? You'll be stuck at home changing dirty nappies and watching telly.
You have your entire life to have children. Right now is not the time. You mention you want to go to college, it would be so much easier for you if you went to college first and then re-evaluate whether or not you still want to have children later on. Right now you have your youth,you can live your life, party, have fun, go out, whatever. If you have a child now you'll be at least 34 before you'll be able to do all that stuff and your youth will be over.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Hi Jade I’m really not talking down to you here but why do you think a baby would be a positive experience in your life right now? And it does sound like you’ve thought this all though but think about why you want this so much?
Because if its to have more purpose and meaning in your life I promise this may not be the way to go about it you need to find more Joy and romance in your life before you can even think of having a baby, because if this baby is arriving to help your relationship I guarantee this is a very miss led way of going about it,
You want to be loved and your obviously a very giving person who wants to care for a tiny life and bring it up and I’m sure you’d make a good mother but why right now, why the big urgency to have it all now? I’m 21 and my soul focus is my career which I’m passionate about, the rest (living together, marriage, family) is separate thing that will come along when its meant to be
where’s your focus and where’s the dreams that you dreamed? I know what your Mums getting at your a lot more then a young Mum (although this can be a blessing for some people it shouldn’t be used to compensate for anything that you scared of achieving in YOUR life) Your life will be other tiny persons life too and you may not achieve all you wish too because this is an age when you could be selfish if you don’t have that stage in your life you will feel like you missed out I guarantee it and wouldn’t that be sad for you and your baby?
You’d be a much better happier Mum in the future with great things to tell your child if you wait for this experience Hun, just do the right thing and Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (17 September 2007):
 Your 16 and although you have been with your boyfriend a year your so young a baby could ruin your relationship having a baby is so stressful it changes your life forever its a huge responsibility and being 16 you havnt even begun to live your life and with the stress of college do you think you could really cope or afford it? Just because your boyfriend has a job doesnt mean he doesnt want to do things with his own money. And leaving it with your sister while your at college isnt giving her much of a life either. I know its what you really want but im afraid in time you will regret it just wait a while finish college turn 18 have a life before you decided on making a decision
...............................
A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (17 September 2007):
You are not ready to have a baby.
Anyone could read this in your question.
Your mum is right here after all you seem to think that because your boyfriend has a job you can spend this income on raising a child. Have you thought about the other important things his income could go towards? - Try asking him - you may be surprised by his answers. You seem to think that your sister could look after this child whilst you attend college. Have you tried asking her? What would you give her in baby sitting and child mionding fees?
Have you any idea what it costs to raise a child? -
Have you any idea of how much looking after one will take? - Have you any idea how much independance you will loose? -
And finally:
Have you chatted to young mothers who are already in this situation and wish they wern't?
If you were to look at these questions carefully you would never consider having a child at your time of life.
You are no way ready to have a child if you are referring to this child as an it:
"my big sister can watch it when I attend college"
You are not ready for children and unless your present attitude changes I wonder if you ever will be.
...............................
A
female
reader, down to earth +, writes (17 September 2007):
 i dont know what makes you think your sister is goin to look after your baby while you go college remember she does hav a life of her own.You might think your ready to hav a baby but you really aint i think you should wait untill your more mature because you might be in a good relationship now but you never kno what the future will hold, i understand your boyfriend is working but remember babys are really expensive. i hope you take in what im saying and maybe look after a 11month baby and a two year old to experience the different stages you will have to go through because it aint as easy as it seems. good luck nd get back to me x
...............................
A
female
reader, Clare75 +, writes (17 September 2007):
Jade, you are still young and have alot of time ahead of you before you start a family of your own. Enjoy having your boyfriend to yourself and have fun before starting a family. A baby puts alot of pressure on any relationship and its the hardest job in the world bringing up a child. I think you should wait a while, your mum is right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Clare75 +, writes (17 September 2007):
Jade, you are still young and have alot of time ahead of you before you start a family of your own. Enjoy having your boyfriend to yourself and have fun before starting a family. A baby puts alot of pressure on any relationship and its the hardest job in the world bringing up a child. I think you should wait a while, your mum is right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Straight Up +, writes (17 September 2007):
 jade really need to stop thinking like this i mean right now
you may think that babies are cute but they are really hard work. to me you don't even sound ready. your actually refering to a baby as it.
just finsh your education first before you start making plan.
it'e really not except able and it doen't making that your boyfriend is working because bring up a baby is not just about money they need attend as well
please send me a private email to talk more
...............................
A
female
reader, princess_sparkle +, writes (17 September 2007):
Your mom is right. Having a baby will be a lot more difficult than you could ever imagine. Maybe it was a blessing that you lost it. Nobody your age is ready to have a child. Can you and your boyfriend support this baby? Do you have jobs? Do you guys have time to take care of it. You certainly cannot expect to leave it with relatives, or stick it in a daycare. Please wait until you are much older and see if you still want one. How do you know you and your boyfriend will stay together? You could be stuck raising a baby by yourself. Please take my adivce and hold off on having a child. Get and education first, wait several years. If you and your boyfriend are still together, have steady jobs,and can seriously take care of the child, then you can maybe think about having a child, but as of right now, having children should be the last thing on your mind. Sorry if i sound harsh but it is true.
...............................
A
female
reader, princess_sparkle +, writes (17 September 2007):
Your mom is right. Having a baby will be a lot more difficult than you could ever imagine. Maybe it was a blessing that you lost it. Nobody your age is ready to have a child. Can you and your boyfriend support this baby? Do you have jobs? Do you guys have time to take care of it. You certainly cannot expect to leave it with relatives, or stick it in a daycare. Please wait until you are much older and see if you still want one. How do you know you and your boyfriend will stay together? You could be stuck raising a baby by yourself. Please take my adivce and hold off on having a child. Get and education first, wait several years. If you and your boyfriend are still together, have steady jobs,and can seriously take care of the child, then you can maybe think about having a child, but as of right now, having children should be the last thing on your mind. Sorry if i sound harsh but it is true.
...............................
|
