A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy, dated for a month, broke up and didn't speak for a month and a half. Then started talking again and became best friends. It's been six months since we've become best friends, we're each others only best friends, and we recently admitted that we like each other. I know I'm in love with him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same towards me. However, we're young and he says that if we got together he would want it to be forever, as in marrying me. He says he's not ready to settle down and won't be ready for that commitment for a few years, so for now he wants to continue to date and be sexually active with other people, but still have me there as a best friend.My question is mostly to guys, if you know that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with someone why would you feel the need to be with other people first? If you truly loved that girl wouldn't you not want to hurt her and start your life with her as soon as possible?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 January 2011):
Basically, you're just being kept around as a spare. Any guy who truly loved a woman wouldn't waste time sleeping around - he'd get on and commit.
And, like the others have said, he never said he loved you. He just said he liked you. So perhaps you're seeing more in him than is there.
Anyhow, I agree with the others that you'd be better moving on. It doesn't seem like he really wants to commit at all yet.
A
female
reader, cheannryl  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 hey,even if you're married you can still go partying.
as a human,we need freedom.free to do anything.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 He hasn't said that he loves you though and whilst you may think that he does love you, his actions aren't backing that up. Sounds like he's keeping you on the hook a bit here, but then again, if he's young then I understand where he's coming from in a way. Not everyone wants to be tied down so early in life, noble intentions or otherwise...
Though staying friends with him would be a bad idea if you're going to be holding onto (possibly false) hope of him getting back with you whilst he's dating others... and being best mates would mean that you'd inevitably end up meeting some of these new girls. Is that something you can handle without gradually losing your mind?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Most men when they are young want to "plow some fields" and although they may be the committed type, they only do this because they are young and have that right. A guy cannot be committed and want to do other women at the same time... that just doesnt make any logical or emotional sense. My advice: Do not pursue this guy if he's not wanting to settle down. I'd try to date a bit and find what you're looking for. His relationship goals do not match up with yours and that is a deal breaker definitely. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): You are right, he's not in love with you, but afraid to loose you as a friend, and also too afraid to tell you he just likes you as a friend.Because it may ruin his chances as friends with benefits. He's blowing smoke up your arse and looking to fill his time until something better comes up.
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A
female
reader, anon215 +, writes (22 January 2011):
Thank you for taking the time to reply! You're right, he definitely has loyalty issues because he cheated on his ex that he was in love with. He might not be in love with me, but I know he does at least love me as a friend because we say I love you to each other every night. I also know him well enough to know that he's trying to figure out if he is in love with me or not. Regardless of that, you're right that he's not treating me the way he should. I think that I should stop being friends with him but I'm not sure how to do that because it would hurt the both of us so much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): What we think we want and what we really do want are rarely the same.You can let him sow his wild oats now, or settle down now and he will sow them later.No matter how much it hurts now it will be much worse down the line.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 January 2011):
 Depends on the guy. Some would lock you down fast. Some might decide they have options. If a guy believes he can sleep around and still end up with his perfect girl, there is a strong temptation to do that (in fact, guys and girls believing they can get away that is the entire basis of the hookup scene). Some were just not raised to value loyalty. If he's one of those, he may love you and simply not have it in him to be loyal - not the type you want to end up with.
I think the bigger issue is your belief that he loves you. He has not said he loves you. He admitted to liking you. Assuming that's even true, it's not the same thing. You are projecting your feeligns onto him. Maybe he does, maybe not, but you're not really examining that question.
In all likelihood, he likes you well enough, but believes that he can go fishing for something better while still keeping you as a backup. This is not the basis of a healthy relationship, and I would advise you to find a new guy to like. Probably best not to be friends with him, either - I know that's hard to deal with, but he is not treating you with respect.
If you choose to talk to him about it, be wary of his attempts to rationalize it to you. And remember that his loyalty in a relationship would be questionable.
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A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (22 January 2011):
 I would keep a girl just committed enough to me that if I couldn't find someone better, well at least there is always the fall back plan.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Hi,
I don't want to be blunt, but this is the only way I know how to say it: I think he may have issues with commitment. His actions don't match what he says and we've all heard the saying "actions speek louder than words." You deserve better.
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