A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have always made bad choices in guys, form high school until now...I've had long term relationships but never meaningful oneI was always quick to make them happy doing everything I thought they wanted me to do (pushover).Most of the time I had sex on the first date even though I wasn't comfortable..How do I stop putting myself in these kind of situations and start having a meaningful relationship?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): “Most of the time I had sex on the first date even though I wasn't comfortable”This is a bad idea to have physical intimacy when you don't want it and when you barely know someone - you're already putting yourself in a bad position. You're killing the relationship before it begins by leaving nothing to build up to and to enjoy.If he will have sex with you on the first date, he will not be good for a relationship in 9/10. It's very rare to go from physical intimacy to emotional intimacy and a real connection. Remember that you are selecting your mate and who you choose is very important.You need to figure out why you're doing all of this, and why you are so passive as well as why you're making such bad choices- try some self help reading or counseling before trying another relationship or think about it. Relationships need to be built on two people genuinely liking and loving each other and growing together. It takes time to build a good relationship and time to figure out if the two of you will fit together for a future.Just be yourself and do what you want to do, not what you think other people want you to do. Being feminine does not always mean being accomodating and supportive. Both sexes should have these qualities. A relationship is about supporting each other.For now, support yourself first, you need to do that before you can have a good relationship with anyone else.Be very picky about who you choose to go out with, don't waste time on men who aren't looking for a relationship and eventually a life with someone. Don't be afraid to ask questions about this early on. If it's clear that they don't fit your needs, end it before it gets started and move on. Many things are usually said in the beginning of interaction which will give you clues as to what people's true feelings and intentions are.Last, don't see your relationship history as a determination on where you will go from here. Give yourself permission to start anew and find someone who is good for you.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 January 2011):
 This will be tough, but you have to act fast. It helps to know what men's perceptions are, so you can counter them.
In your early 30's, men begin to suspect that you only like them because of your biological clock. Their fear is exactly what you describe - a woman who has made "mistakes" and now wants to change. This is particularly the case for nice guys who were shot down in favor of bad boys. Whether this attitude is fair or not, or reflects reality accurately, we could argue all day; instead, I'll try to help you overcome it.
First, try to narrow your search to men with a generally positive outlook on women and relationships. If he has a string of hookups, avoid him like the plague. If he has a harshly negative attitude like I described above, leave.
Second, *stop* having sex on the first date. You've known that was part of the problem for years now, so change it! If you're worried a guy won't commit, sleeping with him too early will convince him that commitment is a terrible idea!
Beign accomodating, supportive, and feminine - trying to make a guy happy - is a good trait if it encourages respect. It is counterproductive if it damages respect. Don't lose that trait, but don't indulge it without thinking.
Examine every decisions before you make it, and ask if it would decrease his respect for you or not (or if it would have no effect on his respect for you). Respect him as much as you can, but earn his respect in turn, and if you don't receive it, leave.
It's not hard to identify guys open to the idea of commitment. They're the ones who have more to gain from it than from continuing to play the field. Incentives matter. Look for a guy who has more to gain from being with you, and then take it slow with him.
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A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (22 January 2011):
 Find a guy who is lower on the social ladder than you. He'll be so grateful to hook up with you that he'll treat you like a queen. Then, you can be free to be accommodating and open and nice without worry about if it's being appreciated.
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A
female
reader, wordwhale +, writes (22 January 2011):
I suggest that you start by first stopping all dating immediately. You should go on a complete man fast. No dating at all.Second, you should seek out counseling from a licensed psychologist. You will never be in a "meaningful" "long term" "relationship" until you really dig deep into your memories, emotions, and psyche to find out why you're accommodating to men in the first place. On the surface, your problem sounds like an issue with self-esteem, but you need to find out why your self-esteem is at a level that would allow you to subject yourself to such treatment. What fears are driving you to be quick to make men happy? Only fear compels someone to approach others from a "quick, what can I do to make him/her happy so he/she won't leave me?" perspective. This is something children usually do when they fear they will be left or abandoned. Did you have this fear as a child? What was your childhood like? How did you develop your sense of value of yourself? What kind of relationship did your parents have? Finding the answers to these questions, through meaningful emotional exploration, will lead you to the ultimate answer you're searching for here on DearCupid--why you're not connecting with men in a meaningful, healthy, fulfilling, and enriching way.The good thing is that the mere existence of your question--the fact that you've made an effort to not only think it but to ask it on a website--is a sign that you're ready to ask these questions and receive the answers. Go talk to a professional. You've already taken the biggest step of all by realizing that being a pushover both emotionally and sexually is not healthy. Here are some resources to locate a trained psychologist in your area: www.nationalregister.org/locator.apa.org/therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/I wish you strength and good luck on your journey.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 January 2011):
 I think knowing you do this is half the battle.
Either way, I think when / if you start a new relationship you should take things slower. Periodically you'll want to take stock in the relationship and make sure you are getting a guy who loves you and is equally invested in the relationship as you are. You'll also want to make sure you are getting a guy that isn't a loser and respects you and brings something to the table. Don't be afraid to turn a guy down -- there'll be plenty more -- but also don't be afraid to meet a man worthwhile half way.
You don't go into detail on why your relationships failed. One book you may want to read is called "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix.
Finally, I am wondering however, if you are putting yourself down because none of your previous relationships have worked out -- and you rationalize your current situation by saying it must've failed been because you were a push-over. Did you accept things that well beyond the ordinary (alcoholics, druggies, cheaters, players, married guys) or are you simply upset because you gave and gave and things still didn't work out?
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (22 January 2011):
 Just wanted to add that I did not mean that last response to be harsh. I just meant that I think that is where you have to start: to look into what you believe and think about what you really want instead of letting other people determine that for you. It is not too late--it is never too late--so I wish you much success on your journey.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (22 January 2011):
I am curious as to why the long-term relationships were not meaningful. Was that because you did not feel love?
I think to have a meaningful relationship you need to have a meaningful life. That means sticking to your beliefs and having values so that no matter what a guy says to pressure you, if you do not believe it or do not want to do it, you won't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Good question. The past couple years I felt I had the same problem. Often I swung from avoiding relationships completely to indulging in some pretty dysfunctional ones. Some things I have found that have really helped:- Cultivate platonic relationships with men that you like. Not only can they introduce you to men (who you are more likely to like) but they can give you advice about your situation.- Ask men out. Some men just have great radar for women they can walk all over. Some women think so lowly of themselves, they say yes to who ever asks them. You can do a lot about your situation by just being proactive. You do have the right to choose your mate, you don't have to wait for them to pick you out. - No sex on the first date. I learned this the hard way. I am a horn dog by nature, but if you put out on the first date, men assume you have low standards and do it with everyone. I lost someone I actually liked and respected this way. At least pretend to be hesitant about sex even if you aren't.- Cultivate interest in your own life. Hobbies, fitness, sports, and group activies. It keeps your mind off of "I wonder if he likes me or not", it keeps you from repeatedly checking your phone to see if he texted back and dissecting what he said last night, AND it is a great way to meet like-minded men.Really good question and I look forward to other advice since I have found myself in the same situation. And, please don't get down about your past. You learn from every experience, I am sure on some level, some of those relationship were meaningful even if it was hard or painful at the time. Best of luck.
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