A
male
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41-50,
anonymous
writes:What do you do when you find out your wife has had a wild sexual past and you didnt know about it and if you had known about it, you would not have even asked her to marry you?
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male
reader, trell19832002 +, writes (11 July 2010):
i asked my wife how many ppl she slept with before we got married and she told me a number around ten and she says that she cant have sex with somonewithout wanting to be with them . then i find out tis anumber around 30 after we get married and she has had a lot off one night stands and has had 3 somes and sex with girls and i feel like i was tricked into marraige ..she had me thinking her morals are all in ordwr when she really it's like an adverage girl.. and so yes, i use da picture her having sex with diff. men but i let it go and just recentlly she was on the phone and talked about having sex with two ppl in the same day while she was ont he phone with her g/f now i have a past too but i let her know everything before we got married and i think it's selfish for her to know me and me not know her ...know i feel klike our marraige was based on a lie ..plus she was with somone when she met me and i had no idea about it and she claims they havent been having sex the hole time we were talkin but i dont belive it cuz she says thats all he ever wanted from her ..and if she was cheating on me from the very begining i should leve the marraige right ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): I feel your pain. I am terribly shy and never even went on a date until I was 17 years old. The girl I lost my virginity to was forward and aggressive. We started dating and we slept together pretty quickly. I thought maybe I was special and that's why she didn't wait very long. She would constantly bring up previous boyfriends. I kept a tally and got up to about 2 dozen different names. I started thinking I was just another one of her many guys. I told her that it had been bothering me and she became very defensive. She then finally said, "If you must know I've been with 3 other guys before you". I felt like a total ass and apologized profusely. A couple months later she confessed to me that she had lied and had been with more than three....a lot more. It was something I just couldn't let go. I think if I had been with a comparable number of women, I could cast no stone and it wouldn't have eaten at me until we finally broke up.
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reader, whattodowithmarriage +, writes (30 September 2008):
Just curious as to how you've been doing original poster? Ive read this entire post and I was a little late chiming in, but that almost exactly my situation with my wife of now 8 years, except we have 2 kids which has made my decision very very difficult. Here goes with my story (in short):
Im in the same situation as you only probably worse off. Last year after 7 years of marriage I overheard my wife saying that she lost count after 100!!! And this was between the ages of 12-18. While I knew she had been with alot, I had asked her when we had gotten serious dating and said 30? her response was "I dont know", I then said 40? 50? and she said no! So I assumed some where between 30 and 40. I was not comfortable with that at all, but my love overcame the hurt I was feeling at that point. So we married and she had a previous child and we then had a son of our own. We had problems in our 1st 5 years of marriage she was still talking to an ex of hers (her 1st) and I caught her emailing another guy from her past whom she swore she had no relations, or even kissed, but then why would she deny talking to this person? So I have developed trust issues with my wife and its very hard regaining that trust because I feel our marriage was based on a lie from the start now and yes I feel like you that this is something I needed to know about before we married especially since I had asked and she didnt tell the truth about her number. Had I known the truth I as well do not think I could have gone through with the marriage and knowing what I do now makes me feel as though I was suckered into marriage and now that we have kids I feel locked in. I hate feeling that way but I just cant seem to look at my wife the same way any more and I lost so much respect for her, because I just cant imagine how some one could do that to their body. Sex has almost no meaning anymore because I dont feel like Im special to her, or like she see's herself as a gift to me when its been "given" to so, so many.
I know its rough, but I pray daily for God to heal my wounded heart and help me forgive my wife and it helps to know that Im far from perfect and have my own sins, but I know God put us together for a reason and again had she told me the truth I probably would not have married her.
I had thought I was getting better, but the past few weeks I'm really thinking I'll never get over this and be able to be In Love with my wife again, even though I'll always love her. And to me thats not fair to her, nor to me, but I just dont know how to, or how I would explain divorce to my kids and I wouldnt tell them exactly why, but I just dont want anyone to suffer, but again its not fair for me to suffer, nor do I feel this is my fault if I cant get over it, because she lied to me when I specifically asked her the # question (I remember the night very specifically). Im very confused and am really happy with the way she's turned out, but our marriage was all based on lies!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): Yos,
Thank you so much for sharing you excercises regarding this because I was lost as to how I was going to move on. I understood what eveyone was saying about "the past is the past" and "you have no right to judge her on her past" etc . But you and troubledtoomuch have added valuable insight and actual solutions to the problem. Its frustrating to not know how long it is going to take to get over this but at least I know there is a light at the end. Thanks again to you and troubledtoomuch.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 I'd ask you to re-read a lot of answers below, because much of this has been covered. But i'll also try to re-iterate based on your questions.
"1) The fact she lied to me about her past, I asked her because I wanted to know for a reason, people are entitled to know the real person they are dating and marrying"
First read the two paragraphs below starting "It's also important to understand that a woman will see the significance and meaning of this 'lie' in a different way to a man."
It's important that you don't hang onto this as a 'lie'. You have chosen to stay with your wife. You want these feelings and thoughts you are having to go away. The only way you can do this is to let go of the 'lie'. Every time you feel the negative emotions building up inside you because of this 'lie', just stop. Breath. Clear your mind. Don't follow the thought. Don't let your mind run off with the 'she lied so.. and so... etc'. It'll just lead you into a bad place, and never ever to an 'answer'.
Remember: the reason she didn't tell you is very simple: she didn't want you to know, because she thought perhaps you might not want to date her. It's very simple. Don't analyze it further than that... it's really that simple and needs no further thought. Not everything needs a 'deep explanation', this certainly doesn't.
"2) How many other things has she hid from me?"
Don't go there. The answer: perhaps one or two things, just like any other human being, but nothing major. The fact that she didn't want to reveal a part of her past to you does not make her a dishonest person or a liar. It makes her someone that wants you to think highly of her. There is no crime in that, it shows that she cares about you.
"3) The images and pictures of her having sex with other guys"
This needs the same approach as dealing with the lying. I myself had a very hard time with this... for at least 6 months I'd have incredibly strong images of my girlfriend with other men. I'd see them in our bedroom, I'd see them in our house. Sometimes a whole crowd of men just watching me and even laughing at me. I'd have to get up out of bed and run from the room. So I know how vivid and intrusive these images can be.
You have to teach yourself to not be effected by the images. You can do this by teaching yourself to remain calm and balanced when they appear in your mind. When they do appear, you need to be able to turn on an inner voice that tells you to not react to them, don't look at them, turn away. It's like tuning out the noise of the street through an open window when you're trying to read, or ignoring the buzzing of a fly in your room. It's something you can teach yourself to do. And like anything someone can learn to do, if you practice you can get very good at it.
This is probably not the answer you want. For over a year I would accept only one answer: that I could forever be rid of these images, thoughts and feelings. I would only accept that the world had to be as if none of this had ever happened. I'd have read what i'm saying now and said 'no thats not good enough for me'.
But that is impossible. Your wife did have those one night stands, and that can never be changed. The only thing you can change is your reaction to that thought. The thought itself will never ever go away, it will always be there. So will those images. They are permanent, and as indelible as your wife's past.
The only thing you can control is yourself. Focus on not reacting to these thoughts and feelings and you'll learn that they don't have to hurt as much as they do. Once you realize that, then it's a long but steady road of gradually diminishing their effect as you become more and more able to tune them out and ignore them. There is no magic bullet, or shortcut. Just the long gradual journey out.
Do take comfort in the fact that there are two guys, myself and troubledtoomuch, who have both been in your situation and have come through it. It is possible, and in the end you'll have a better relationship that ever, and be very glad you did what you did.
If you struggle with quieting your mind I suggest you consider something like meditation, tai chi or yoga classes. I have found tai chi invaluable in helping me learn to focus my awareness away from these negative thoughts. These 3 disciplines, and others similar, are excellent for training the mind to do this.
I also have two exercises I've used that I found help.
The first was to wait until I had a moment when I was feeling very warm and loving towards my girlfriend, and then to come up with a mantra. In my case it was 'She loves me, she will always love me, and always be faithful to me'. Then, when I found the negative feelings and thoughts returning, I'd recite that to myself over and over. It gave me something to cling to and was very helpful. It's a way to both distract yourself and remind yourself of your connection to your wife.
The other exercise was a bit different. It's more of a thought related to the idea of permanence and the past:
People are not things like rocks, or cars, or permanent things. Solid objects that are unchanging. We are more like patterns: like a whirlpool or a sand-dune in the desert, or a river. Whilst our form remains the same, every part of us is always changing and being replaced. Like the whirlpool, that whilst it is always 'the same thing', is made every moment of different molecules of water. Every cell in our body is new, every moment we are not quite the person we were before. Every thought and feeling is new, replacing the thoughts and feelings that came before, like water moving downriver and into the sea.
Because of this, our past is not engraved in us permanently like a carving in a rock. Rather, our past is like ripples on a the surface of a pool, actions are like cutting the surface of a river with a sword. Memories are old ripples that have bounced across this surface over and over, until they are lost amongst the noise. There is no permanent mark your wife's past has made on her, she is as clean and pure and virtuous now as the surface of a lake... the old ripples caused by her past have faded. She is a different person now, made of different stuff. The past is only as real as an echo. We can remake ourselves anew every day.
I'm not sure if this helps, but I found that thought comforting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): In response to the last answer, she has not been wildly sexual with me after we got married and I can accept that to a degree but sometimes these thoughts pop into my head about her having sex with previous guys and thats because like you said "has her past crept into the future" The answer is yes because we constantly are reminded of people she has been with because of the small comunity we live in. There are 3 issues I am dealing with regarding this:
1) The fact she lied to me about her past, I asked her because I wanted to know for a reason, people are entitled to know the real person they are dating and marrying
2) How many other things has she hid from me?
3) The images and pictures of her having sex with other guys
I am asking for advice on how to deal with these 3 issues because I love her, my family loves her and I do not want to leave her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): I am the person who posted the question and I thank everyone for their responses, input, and suggestions. My decision is that I am not going to leave because I love who she is. However I find it difficult to cope with the fact she lied to me and I wonder what else has she lied about and it is extremely difficult to get the sexual images out of my head of her with so many other people, particularly the one night stand situations. When you are intimate with someone, you are showing the other person your most private, sensual , vulnerable emotions and I was raised you only do that with people you care about. I am not going to be a hypocrite because I had multiple partners as well but the difference is they were girls I was in relationships with. For her it was one night stands, or casual acquantinces (not sure if I spelled that right). It just hurts to know that she was just an object for randoms guys and she gave them "herself" which is the same "self" she gave me and I feel that I am better than those other guys who just used her. I guess what I am looking for in this forum is to find out if anyone else has had to deal with this and how did you get past the mistrust and the images or your wife/girlfriend being with other men once you found out the truth and how many random partners there was?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): He has not made a decision. That's why he is asking us what we would do. If he had already made the decision to divorce her he would have no reason to ask the question in the first place.
If he has not yet made a decision then there are 2 ways that he can handle this. He can either try to understand why she lied to him and decide to stay or leave. The other way is that he can try to understand why she did the things that she did before she met him and try to accept that behavior if he can. That is why we are giving him our thoughts and advice on both avenues.
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reader, Swanson +, writes (22 March 2008):
I think that some of you guys are addressing this as if he said "I'm having trouble getting over my wife's past" - but that's NOT what he's saying. The question was "I would not have married her if I knew her sexual past" - therefore, I don't feel that this guy is on the fence about anything. To me he's made his decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): From the anon male: "There is a long list of reasons why a partner with a shorter sexual history is beneficial for the emotional & physical health of both partners."
I agree with that completely. Take the situation with my wife and I. She had 10 partners in the time between her divorce and dating me, inclucing 2 or 3 one night stands. She wished after she did it and still does wish that she had said no to some of those partners. She did not think well of herself after she did it and I didn't think well of her. Of the 10, 4 were good relationships. If she had only slept with those 4 men, she would have felt much better about herself and I wouldn't have been bothered by what she had done. Fortunately, she never got any STIs, or that would have also caused a problem. I slept with 4 women, including 1 one night stand. If I had not been bothered by her past, I probably would have never taken the one night stand home home. The other 3 were relationships that helped me decide that I really wanted the woman who I finally married. If she had her 4 realtionships and I had my 3, there would have never been the problem that we have had to work so hard to solve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): "This is one of the reasons why interrogation can be so destructive in this situation. You'll undoubtedly find many inconsistencies if you keep digging. A guy will focus on 'facts': times, people, names, numbers, actions, whereas a woman will focus on 'feelings': how she felt at the time, what she was looking for, how she has grown and changed since. The 'facts' that a guy will typically be looking at are just not the focus for a woman, and hence you'll find they come out differently each time, or things are 'missed' or not mentioned. It's not because you're being deliberately mislead, but rather because perspectives on what is important are different."
Wow, what insight. As I read that paragraph ot loud, my wife and I just looked at each other and said, "Doesn't that sound just like us." Yeah, that's exactly what our experience tells us. The thing that has helped us in our discussions of detail is that I know that she doesn't remember absolute facts very well and have realized that she is not lying when she says something somewhat different, but it is just because she remembers the situation differently this time. Yos's explanation makes it clear why that is.
If the 2 of you do decide to talk more and probe into the details, remember what Yos has said in that paragraph. My experience says that it is very true, even with a woman who was very honest and forthcoming with me in the beginning. And she told me what she had done before I had ever even thought of asking her.
TTM
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reader, Yos +, writes (21 March 2008):
That's a tough situation. The fact that you asked and were mislead, plus the occasional reminder through bumping in to a former lover, is a really difficult combination to deal with.
Troubledtoomuch is right focussing on understanding why she didn't tell you the truth. It would be good for her to explain to you why that was, although as said before, that should be in a constructive way rather than a defensive way. The reality is that many women won't tell 'the truth' in that situation. They know that they'll be judged, and that man will either think of her as a 'slut' and just try to sleep with her, or be turned off and want nothing to do with her. It's a lose-lose situation. If you read any women's magazines advice columns on this they almost always give the same advice... 'lie about your past, he'll never find out'. Given the likely reaction from the guy, can you really blame them for a white lie or two? It's not so easy being a woman in our sexually hypocritical society that encourages women to be sexual one minute then labels them as sluts and throws them to the dogs the next.
(here is an example from the biggest womens UK site: http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/experts/doyenne/qas/0,,175_183801,00.html )
It's also important to understand that a woman will see the significance and meaning of this 'lie' in a different way to a man. A guy can see this as very very important, and have a black and white view on it. It's like something you either pass or fail. You're either a madonna or a whore, with nothing possible inbetween. Whereas a woman will be much less 'factual' about it and see it more from an emotional point of view. Shades of grey rather than just black and white. This makes the lie not really a lie, since it is can be emotionally true even if it is factually not. So when your wife said 'no I wouldn't do that' she could have honestly meant that, even if in the past she was different. It's hard to explain, other than to say women's minds work very differently from men in this area. From an emotional point of view the idea of 'absolute truth' doesn't mean very much, and context, timing and nuance mean everything.
This is one of the reasons why interrogation can be so destructive in this situation. You'll undoubtedly find many inconsistencies if you keep digging. A guy will focus on 'facts': times, people, names, numbers, actions, whereas a woman will focus on 'feelings': how she felt at the time, what she was looking for, how she has grown and changed since. The 'facts' that a guy will typically be looking at are just not the focus for a woman, and hence you'll find they come out differently each time, or things are 'missed' or not mentioned. It's not because you're being deliberately mislead, but rather because perspectives on what is important are different.
All that said, you now need to decide whether you want to stay in your marriage or not. Troubledtoomuch outlines clearly your possible scenarios below. Do very much consider the possibility that you could end up leaving the love of your life.
Whatever you do, don't leave your wife as some form of 'punishment'. It would be easy for you to say to yourself that she doesn't deserve a guy like you, and that the pain she'd experience by you leaving would be deserved. In reality, you'd just be punishing yourself.
And if you decide to stay, then you need to let go of the 'lie'. Staying together but still allowing yourself to feel justified in holding a grudge against your wife is a recipe for pain. You have the option to stay and make your marriage great, but that will take a willingness to let go and focus on the positive on your part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008):
I just think it's time this culture started respecting the decision to refrain from having casual sex when single. For males as well as females, for yourself as well as for the sake of your future partner(s).
Not everyone has to agree with it. But it's wrong for popular opinon to sh*t on someone's major sacrifices just because not everyone else in the dating pool is willing to make them too.
There is a long list of reasons why a partner with a shorter sexual history is beneficial for the emotional & physical health of both partners. People should not be denied their right choose something important they want in a mate just because it's not politically correct at the moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Thank you for the clarification. I can see why you are so upset. Honesty has always been very important to me in a relationship and it was important to me that my girlfriend was honest with me. The part of her past that bothered me was the couple of one night stands that she had and the part where she went to bed with a guy who she had just met a few hours earlier. Of course, at least one of those turned out to be a very nice 18 month relationship for her. My wife didn’t just do these things for fun, although she has always enjoyed sex. She had come out of a verbally abusive marriage with a husband who cheated on her. She was looking for love and affection through sex. After many years, I still believe that what she did was wrong and she is fine with that. However, I also know that she has been faithful and loving toward me for the past 29 years. She is also not happy with the way that she acted at times after her divorce.
The lying part would be the difficult part for me to also accept. I would always wonder how much more she hasn’t told me or what other things she had done. I would wonder if she will go off and have an affair and hide it from me. My wife was up front and truthful with me early in the relationship. Yes, the truth hurt me, but I could deal with that with a person whom I could trust. The fact that she liked sex has led to a very good sex life for both of us for 29 years now.
Did your wife have a reason to do what she did sexually? Was she hurt in some way in the past, like having been in an abusive relationship that caused her to look for love in the wrong way? Was there some reason that you can rationalize that could have led her to behave as she did? I felt that my wife acted like a slut at times, but she could not think of herself like that after she met me. She didn’t like what she had been doing after a year or 2, but could not stop because of her need to find someone who would show her love. Most of the guys just used her for a fun date and sex. Yes, she liked the sex and having someone in bed beside her, but often the next day she realized that she just gotten screwed and wondered why she did it and if she would ever find someone who she could love. Perhaps your wife was looking for love in the wrong way.
I don’t know how to advise you as to how you can get over the lying part of this, as I haven’t had to deal with that. I do believe that it would have been very difficult for me to accept the lies. Would I have left her because of it? I don’t know. Perhaps I would have before we got married, but perhaps not after marriage. However, I do believe that that I could not have loved her as much if she had lied.
Have you asked her why she lied to you? I would expect that it was either because she knew that the truth would cause you to leave her or because she was ashamed of what she had done in the past. If it was because of shame or regret, then I would think that would be easier to accept for you and me. If it were that, perhaps she is hurting as much as you are. If she is like my wife was, perhaps her outward appearance does not match her real feelings. My wife did not feel good about what she had done, but she could not allow herself to admit her regret to me. It took many years before she could say what she really felt inside all along. I believe that many men and women lie to themselves and to their partners about their true feelings because they cannot accept what they don’t like about their past themselves. My wife and I both lied to ourselves about parts of our pasts because we could not allow ourselves to admit that we had done wrong. It took many years for both of us to feel good about how we have changed and admit that parts of our pasts were not very good. We both feel sad when we think that we could have split up many years ago and would have missed out on the loving relationship that we have had and now have even more.
No one can give you the correct answer of what to do now. You will also probably not know if the path you choose was the correct one for many years. As I see it, these various things can happen:
You will decide to stay with her and always regret that decision.
You will decide to stay with her and eventually realize that it was the best decision that you have ever made and will end up with a very loving and happy marriage.
You will decide to divorce her over this and will find someone who you will be very happy with for the rest of your life.
You will decide to divorce her over this and will always regret that decision and will discover that all of your future partners never match up to her.
Of course, there can be varying degrees of all of these. Perhaps someone else will advise you better than I can, but this is the best that I can say to you. I can only wish you luck with your decision and your feelings and hope that you and her can have a very happy and loving life together or at least have the same with other partners.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): She has basically tricked you into getting married. The only advice I can offer is its your call, either you learn to live with it or divorce. Don't worry about what folks think if you divorce, just say she misrepresented herself to you and hold your head high.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): I am the person who originally posted the question and I will be honest and say that I havent read all of the answers in their entirety but I wanted to make a few things clearer. I may have used "wild sexual past" loosely because it can have different meanings for different people. The wild part I am referring too is one night stands. When I found about those instances is when I got upset because when we were dating I had my suspicions and I came right out and asked her, at the time she "no I would never do anything like that" only to find out later it happened multiple times. I asked when we were dating because it was important to me, not to be with someone that would be considered "easy" or other terms I will not mention. I felt like I was misled and lied to because if I knew the truth back then things may or may not have been different but the chance to make a truthful decision was taken away from me. One other thing, we live in a small community and there have been several run-ins with previous partners of hers that I didnt know about until after the fact, so how I am supposed to feel when the past keeps coming back?
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 I agree, we should bookmark this one. Here we have the advice of two men who have actually gone through the problem and SOLVED IT. Which should be our goal if the site is to help people.
I will leave my own opinions out regarding what I will say now. Here we have a summary of the attitudes you may have before this sort of a problem. I bet that a man who finds himself in this situation would benefit from reading this, and seeing the angles of it.
I actually read the posts by troubled, and I was honestly glad I did.
I think this post would also benefit the women who find themselves criticized. it would help because they would know what the man is feeling. I believe that understanding each other would be the first step towards solving the problem.
Though this should not be interpreted like I think any less of other posts, I want to commend Yos and Troubledtoomuch. Now this is a helpful post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): If you didn't have any interest in knowing this stuff about her originally when you were dating her, then you have to basically just do nothing and accept it now. In this case, you didn't make it enough of a priority to demonstrate that anything in her past could be very important to you. You weren't lied to and you were not deliberately misled. So you have no reason or justification to subject her to your bad feelings about her past now.
If you made it known that a too-wild past could potentially be an issue for you back when you were dating her, and she either lied to you about it, or misled you in some way by implying a different story or omitting things . . . that is another matter entirely.
In that case you have been manipulated into a terrible position. Now you are into a relationship that you would not have allowed yourself into, had you known the truth. Now you cannot do what your own self-respect demands without being TOTALLY the "bad guy." And whether you stay or go, either way you will probably still be second-guessing yourself for the rest of your life now. When choosing a spouse, you were originally willing to make all the sacrifices necessary to avoid this position (not dating women with wild pasts), and you still got tricked into it because it suited her purpose. There is nothing fair or emotionally respectful about that.
You will probably get a bunch of answers to this question telling you that "her past shouldn't be an issue," and you are being insecure/judgemental/sexist for caring at all, etc.
If you were lied to or misled, then I think they're wrong. Who you marry should be YOUR choice and you should have the right to make anything a priority if it's important enough to you. It's not your duty to compromise your spouse-choosing priorities whenever they don't match up with someone else. And nobody else has the right to lie to you whenever your priorities happen to stand in the way of them getting what they want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): This question comes up often and men like Yos and I always try our best to answer it. This discussion has been the most informative and helpful of any that I can remember on this forum. I think that we should bookmark this page and in the future direct the questioner to this discussion, along with some words of help for his or her specific situation in addition to this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): I feel exactly as Yos does in his second post. I also got those mean and insulting answers to my original question many months ago. Fortunately, 2 very considerate and kind women on this forum tried to understand my feelings and spent a lot of time trying to help me. We private messaged many times and I greatly love and appreciate the wonderful human beings that they are. There are many women who will not insult and degrade a man because of these feelings. They will try to understand them and to be of as much assistance as possible. Unfortunately, there are many who are the opposite. We need many more both men and women like those kind ones. I just hope that I have been able to be as nice and helpful to them as they were to me. They are great friends.
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reader, Yos +, writes (20 March 2008):
Troubledtoouch has given some great advice too, I'd like to add a few things based on it.
In terms of how much detail you ask for, that is something you can, like he says, dig into. It's one of those difficult situations where you end up in one of two places. Either things aren't as bad as you imagined (once you get over the initial shock), and knowing helps you resolve your emotions. The other is that you find out more and more extreme things that make the situation worse and worse (eg threesomes, dangerous one night stands, etc). It's a pandora's box. Perhaps it's best to let your wife be the judge of whether she should tell you certain things, and what they are, I don't know. In my case, I found out more than I wanted to, and then stopped asking. We moved the discussion away from specific details about 'who' and 'what', and instead dwelled on the emotional side. Where she was emotionally in her life at the time, and why. That made it possible for me to learn about her, and find empathy by understanding what led her to that, whilst avoiding images and details that could set of my negative reactions.
What troubled too much says here is important too:
"She was never happy with parts of her behavior after her divorce and before she met me. She didn’t like some of the things that she had done long before dating me. After many years she was finally able to accept her behavior as not what she would have wished and at the same time was very proud of her faithfulness to and honesty with me over the past 29 years".
This is very true in my experience also. My partner initially reacted in a very defensive way, and continued to make defiant and provocative statements (for example: she shouted in a restaurant at me that she would have a t-shirt made with the words 'I fucked 100 men' on it). The reality was that this was a cover up for buried shame and regret, plus just anger at me in reaction to my anger and accusations. I guess the important thing is that if that shame and regret exists, then it should be allowed to come out in a safe and supportive way, rather than being dragged out as if it is somehow 'owed', as a penance, like a confession extracted under torture. Rather, if you can find a secure and loving place, where there is no threat of reprisal or emotional blackmail, then it is possible to admit our dark secrets and shame to each other.
The good news is that, in many ways, going through this has made our relationship incredibly strong. Partly because we know we can handle extreme difficulties together, but also because it forced a level of openness and intimacy that brought us very very close to parts of each other that we'd never been brave enough to reveal before. True, deep intimacy. It sounds like troubledtoomuch has had a similar experience in that respect, which I'm very glad to hear :)
I hope these stories give you some cause for optimism, despite the no doubt difficult times you are in right now.
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reader, Yos +, writes (20 March 2008):
Thank you Daniel. You raise a good point also: that leaving is an option. That really should be a last resort. If this happens to a couple very early on in a relationship then breaking up should be considered, but if you have been together for years, and especially if you are married, then I believe every effort should be made to deal with it.
I guess the problem I have with the advice commonly given on this topic (and I've been on the receiving end of that advice) is that it's often implied that what is happening is some kind of 'choice'. Namely that the guy has made a conscious choice, a 'judgement' if you will, to have a problem with his wife's past. It's as if some rational decision is being made. Reactions and feedback are often angry, judgmental and accusatory, rather than sympathetic (as they should be).
The reality is the opposite: what comes first is a powerful emotional reaction. Usually by surprise, and often powerful, overwhelming, painful and negative. Following that comes a need to 'understand' what is going on, to rationalize it, to label it and try to analyze it. This is where choice becomes possible, where labels and moral judgements occur. And only here, I feel, is it reasonable to judge or criticize someone for their behaviour. We don't choose our initial emotional reaction, so we cannot be held responsible for it.
Another way of putting that is to say that it's not reasonable or fair to criticize a man who is experiencing this. No man would choose this for himself (or his partner), it is a horrible experience. It's similar to blaming someone for catching the flu... it's an accident, not a choice. You can only hold someone responsible for how they act once this has happened to them, just like you can call someone foolish for going to a party when they have the flu rather than staying home in bed.
So, by all means, criticize a man who makes his partners life hell by attacking her for her past. But don't criticize someone who is struggling to deal with difficult emotions towards his partners past whilst trying to continue to treat her with love and respect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): You are getting some differing advice here, from Yos for instance. His advice is excellent and probably worked well for him. However, what worked for me is different. We are both correct and there are probably many different approaches that would work best for some. None are incorrect. I am going to differ from some things that he said, not because I think he is wrong, but because something different worked for my wife and me.
He is correct that this is your issue and not hers. However, she will need to make this an issue and will need to help you in getting over this issue. My reaction was insulting to my girlfriend when she first told me about her past. That was my fault and she got defensive. I kept quite for many years and we just recently spent a great of time resolving the issue. She put a lot of effort and sometimes hurt into helping me and I love her greatly for that. If you are not insulting to your wife then she will hopefully want to put the effort into it to help you and save your relationship.
His number 2 advice is perfect, in my opinion. His number 3 point is where something different finally worked for us. Knowing all of the details about both of our past sex lives and lives with our first spouses made all the difference. I guess that is because we discovered that neither of our past love lives could compare to what we have had with each other. We both had good experiences with other sexual partners, but not as great as ours have been together. This helped me greatly in understanding what my wife was seeking after her divorce and why she needed to go through so many men to find what she wanted. I think that I explained that in one of my articles. I haven’t read them for a while. It took us many years to be able to discuss the issue, but our love and sex life has been better for the past 6 months than it has ever been. The details caused arguments and hurt at times, but helped greatly in the end. We spent many hours and days to get to where we are now.
Yos said that she doesn’t owe you an apology or need your forgiveness. He is absolutely correct. My wife told me that long ago and I agreed with her that she owed me nothing. However, she was never happy with parts of her behavior after her divorce and before she met me. She didn’t like some of the things that she had done long before dating me. After many years she was finally able to accept her behavior as not what she would have wished and at the same time was very proud of her faithfulness to and honesty with me over the past 29 years. I am also very proud of her for the wife that she has been to me. Out of the blue one day, she apologized to me for the hurt that she had caused me and for what her behavior had put me through. I told her that it wasn’t necessary and I didn’t deserve that, but that I greatly appreciated it and loved her for what she was willing to do to help me with my feelings. OK, now my wife and I are crying with hapiness as I write this and read it to her.
Try to talk to your wife as calmly and as non-insulting and non-judgmental as you can be. Tell her your thoughts, without making her feel unworthy as best you can. Only communication can quiet your hurt and your feelings toward her. If you put the great amount of effort into resolving your feelings as it will take, you will eventually know that it was well worth it and that it is very well worth any amount of effort to have her love and a great and lasting relationship.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 March 2008):
Here I am again, just to add a little. I think Yos is also raising a very good point. He is telling us what a man in that situation feels. I've never been (or known I was) in that situation, so I can't really know what the feelings are like. This is good of you, Yos: you told it like it is even if your risk becoming unpopular.
However, if we look at the hard facts, there are three things the poster can do:
1. Getting over it and staying
2. Not getting over it and staying
3. Not getting over it and leaving
Yos has given a very good way to deal with option n° 1. Which is, I guess, the most useful answer for the poster. He wants to know what to do, and telling him to "just leave" is no good. It is clear he loves his wife.
Personally, I wouldn't go for number 2.
And then finding the good side to a wild past can be a way to accept a situation and learn to live with it (and then a woman who enjoys sex is always a plus. Try one who doesn't, someone who will lay there like a decaying trunk, and you'll see what I mean).
Umpteen cheers for you, Yos.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Its important for most men to know theirs partners sexual history. Its hardwired into our brains.
Why? A man evaluates the chances of ensuring parantage of his children, he cant help it its just the way it is.
Now if a woman has had a lot of sexual partner 3 points
If a woman as had lots of one night stands 1 point
If a woman as forged several long term relationships 8
If the woman is a virgin 10 points.
Lets imagine you marry a woman that is partial to a one night stand, where does that leave the man in terms of security. Very low.
If you asked her and she lied, youve married someone you wouldn't have done, so divorce her. If you didn't ask, youve only yourself to blame.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): LJ001, eyes and Daniel are all correct in my opinion. However, from my own experience, it is much easier said than done. This feeling is something that you will have to work on very hard to overcome. It will not be easy, but it will likely be worth the bad feelings and hard thinking that it will require. I’m sure that others have posted since I began writing my reply, but these are the 3 that were posted when I started.
Many people say that people should never talk about their pasts, but this is the reason that I believe it is best to talk about it very early in the relationship. It is much easier to learn about something like this and deal with it early than to find out much later. If a person decides not to discuss things like this very early then they have to be able to never bring it up and hope that the partner never finds out in another way. You may have very well worked to accept her past if you had known about it early in the relationship and would have married her anyway. However, learning about it now makes you feel like you were deceived and lied to, which is much more difficult to accept than the actual facts.
We don’t know what she did, but you obviously don’t approve of whatever it was. There are several reasons why a person has a difficult time accepting what a partner did in the past. If it is sexual things, then it might be religious reasons, upbringing as a youth or, as some believe, the way a persons brain is wired. I am in the upbringing camp on this. This is because I was taught, no – more like figuratively beaten into my brain, that any woman who had sex with multiple partners was a slut and unworthy. When one is constantly taught this for many years, even into their 20s by their parents, it is very difficult to convince ones self that it isn’t true. It took a lot of work on the part of both my wife and I to help me finally overcome similar feelings about my wife. Two very intelligent women on this forum also helped me greatly.
Daniel brings up a good point about it being an advantage to you that she likes sex. I wrote about this in one of my articles. Read my first post on this board and my 2 articles. I hope that they can help you in some way. I have gone through this and I understand how you feel. As I said, this will not be easy for you, but working on your feelings will be worth it.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-change-my-resurfaced-feelings-about.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/some-tips-for-guys-that-are-having-trouble.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-our-cultures-teach-boys-that-women.html
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reader, LazyGuy +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Details, they matter. Why? Because I have no idea what you are upset about. Wild sexual past? By whose standards? It could be anything from having kissed another person to a death-sex orgy with assorted life-stock open to all ages.
What is a wild sexual past?
Do you simply feel it is "too much", as in she slept with more people then you are comfortable with, or did she break a fundmental moral taboo like sex with childeren?
Did she know about your feelings on this matter, did she knowingly try to hide her past. Was her past something that you might need to know. Yes it would be nice to know that your new bride used to be an escort your dad visited before you take her home. It would be nice to have advance warning that whenever you two attend a party someone will think she is the stripper.
If none of these, well why didn't you find out, isn't part of courting finding out about each other? The good and the bad? Did you take so little intrest in your partners past that this apparently big issue never came up before?
For now, think over what she really means to you. She can't make amends for her past and shouldn't have too, if she hurt nobody with what she did before she married you then it is over and done with. If you can't accept it, then yes, the marriage should probably end but you will loose a woman who gave her heart to you. It may not be a perfect heart but that gives you no excuse to break it.
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reader, Yos +, writes (20 March 2008):
First of all, don't expect to get much sympathy from women on this issue. The intense emotions men can sometimes experience in your situation are, in my experience, distinctly 'male' and not something most women will be able to strongly empathise with. (There are plenty of things men can't empathise strongly with women about, just to be clear! Giving birth would be one example). I know this statement can make me unpopular, but it's the truth. I've been there myself.
Many people will tell you 'the past is the past' and other truisms, as if that will somehow help you. It won't help, but don't hold it against them for saying that. From their point of view it makes sense. If someone has not been in your direct situation they're going to have a hard time giving you helpful advice. Or at least advice that you feel is going to help you.
As for what you can do... here is my advice, having been in a similar situation and managed to (pretty much) get past it.
1. Accept this as your issue. It's not your wife's 'fault', she doesn't owe you an apology, or need your forgiveness. All those words come loaded with blame, and there's no one to blame here. She is blameless, as are you. The real issue here is your intense personal reaction to this new information, and how you cope with it. The answer is: only you can cope with it, nothing she can do now is going to make a difference, and she can't change the past (neither can you).
2. Don't take this out on her, it will quickly destroy your relationship. I recommend you explaining as calmly and lovingly as possible that you are very hurt by what you have learned, and that you are struggling with it. But, at the same time, make it very clear to her that you love her, that you don't want to hurt her, and that if you end up acting badly towards her: anger or jealousy or similar, that it's not because of her but because of you. Ask her forgiveness for your bad behaviour in advance, in other words.
3. Avoid interrogating her or asking for more information. Every extra bit of 'information' you find out has a chance to trigger more and more negative emotions. It's best not to know details. Many men in this situation have a very powerful desire to question and 'know everything', but it's really not a good idea to do that. It will just give you more and more to obsess over, plus force your wife to dig-up memories she'd no doubt rather leave buried.
4. Understand that there is nothing you can do to change the situation. It is not about 'doing anything'. Rather, the solution to your dilemma is to do... nothing. You have to learn how to let go of these negative emotions. Every time you feel yourself getting upset or worked up, take a deep breath and let the feelings come, stay a while, then go of their own accord. Avoid analyzing them or dwelling on them. Avoid obsessing over them or blaming someone or something for them. Just let them be. They'll fade, all emotions do. The place you want to get to is to be able to be suddenly reminded of something in your wife's 'wild sexual past' and to feel nothing because of it; to have the image pop-up in your mind, and then subside leaving no mark. This can only happen over time (sometimes a long time): each time you successfully have these thoughts and let them go, you'll get better and better at it. This is something you have to learn to deal with.
I hope that advice is helpful. If you need any more please feel free to PM me here.
Regards and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): That depends. If you asked her about her past and she lied, she as decieved you and like you say you would not have asked her to marry you. Now youre with a woman who has suddenly become someone else. I would try living with it, but if it becomes too much to cope with get a divorce.Good luck
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 March 2008):
I'm with eyeswideopen, who is often amply right (I guess you can't say "widely right", can you?). Either you accept her as she is, or you leave.
On the other hand, what kind of a wife has she been? I think that's what should matter most.
I don't think there's anyone who hasn't ever done something others would disapprove. "Wild" is subject to definitions, but, let's say she was wild to a degree everyone would agree as "wild". That means she enjoys sex. I would very much like that.
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reader, Swanson +, writes (20 March 2008):
First thing you do is ask yourself why this should prevent you from marrying her.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 March 2008):
 What difference does it make? Why does it bother you? You can't turn back the clock so either you leave it in the past where it belongs or you make yourself and probably your wife miserable by dwelling on it. If you can't get beyond this then by all means get divorced and let your wife find somebody who lives in the present.
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reader, velvetluv21 +, writes (20 March 2008):
You wanted to marry her for who she is. Unless she is still doing these things, then there is no reason to hold it against her. Just because you know about her past doesn't change who you fell in love with. We've all done things other people disagree with and there might be something about you she doesn't like but nobody is perfect. If you want to be selfish and leave over it, thats your choice, but don't make her feel like crap because there is nothing she can do to change it. Since it is something sexual related, I bet you have benefited in some way or another. Marriage is about moving foward and creating a new life with someone. Don't live in the past if she isn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Well honey, it's all in the past. Some people have really wild sexual pasts and others have very tame, everyone is different. Presuming this is the situation you're in right now, I think you've just got to forgive her. Obviously she's not like that now otherwise you might have noticed something, so by the sounds of it, she's changed! If every guy she meets judges her for her past, then whats the point? You can't just get mad at her, or finish with her, just because of some wild things she may have done.. If you love her, surely you'll find it in your heart to accept the things she's done, and get over them. If this is simply too hard to do, then maybe you shouldn't have married. Forgive her honey, its all that is left to do. She can't change what she did, she can only change her future. And she wants her future with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): If you love her surely it's not an issue? You had to be insanley in love with her, do anything for her for you to propose her. Everyone has relationships with other people before they get married. Get over it. She married you not anyone else. You should feel lucky to have her. Be a man about it.If you REALLY have a problem about it, talk to her. Lack of communication destroys a relationship.
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reader, MissKin  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 I think you have to ask yourself: do you love her? Despite her past? Everybody has a past, does she know everything about your past? What if she found out something about your past that she did not like and if she had known before, would have made her decide to say 'no' to your proposal of marriage? The past is in the past, that's what i believe. It's really based on opinions but people do silly things and people change as they grow older. That may have been what she was like back then but you married her, you know her - is that how she is now? Sexually wild? Is something to do with her past worth throwing away your present wife for? You have to ask yourself what you feel and what you want to do about this. You obviously don't like it but are you willing to end your relationship over it? It's something you're going to have to decide upon yourself. I suggest thinking deeply and seriously about how you feel before making any decisions and making any suggestions of your decision towards your wife.In my opinion.. if you love her, her past shouldn't really be that big a concern. I hope you figure things out, take care, miss kin
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