A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:When I married my husband I was so in love. I trusted him but recently found out he had betrayed me by spending thousands and thousands of pounds not only on gambling but on other women. I found text messages from a girl, called Claire... and I found that someone called Lia had been using his laptop. I only discovered the porn by chance when I checked out his history.He would spend hours and hours on the computer. He is an I.T. engineer and his excuse was that he was fixing a problem for a customer. It was only by recording him with secret voice recorders that I discovered he was messing about with other women. He only admitted the gambling because he had used his company's money to gamble on some stupid football game and I had to bail him out.He would never have a house if it wasn't for my money. He didn't even contribute a penny to the moving costs. He didn't even organise a honeymoon. He is a leech - I realise that now.He's also very charasmatic, charming, intelligent, cunning and funny. I can see why other women would find him attractive. In reality he's just a nasty piece of work, sleazy and irresponsible. He has to work away from home and often works late. It was only instinct that made me check him out. All these years of marriage and the trust I put in him have gone up in smoke. He used to give me half of his pay packet to help with the household bills - I don't know what he did with the other half and if I asked he told me to mind my own business. If I couldn't manage with what he gave me then that was my problem not his. Yet he owes thousands of pounds in credit card bills; and loans that he took out without my knowledge.I'm going to leave him, but will do everything in my power to safeguard my home. I'm building up lots of evidence against him and I've got a solicitor. Does this sound cold-hearted to you - well I can assure you I was never this way. I pretend with him now - I'm charming and polite. I ask after him but I'm waiting for the day when I can change the locks and present him with the divorce papers. He has treated me and my son disgracefully. He's lived like a single man whilst married. I am so cut up about this. If he knew I was seeing a solicitor he would make a scene. I don't trust him an inch. He's even tried to hack into my email but I've set up an account with an alias and just use the other email for run of the mill stuff. I'm so scared he's going to do something really disgraceful and shame the family. I went on one of the porn sites and was physically sick when I saw the age of some of the girls they could have been only 15-18 years old. What a pervert he has turned out to be.I need help and support to get through this and any tips and advice you can give me would be appreciated. I am not the same person and I know my son is worried about me. I've told him about the gambling but not the other stuff because I'm too embarrassed to speak about such things to him.I've been a good wife and mother. I've loved him and done everything for him but I can't take much more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Unfortunately my husband has left me little choice but to go. He can save his charm for wriggling out of his next relationship. I'm so tired of this and you're right I don't have to cope with his serial philandeering, which he denies, or his obsessive gambling. I'm fed up of worrying about what he's done and where he's been. I've got evidence about one woman but I would like to find out about the others. The ones in other countries - well I'll just have to forget about those. I really need to hire another detective to follow him when he's supposedly working away. Working away and working extra hours that he never gets paid for!!! He's the only person I know that can work until 5.00 am in the morning and never get paid overtime. The gambling well I've seen the evidence of that because he got himself so wrapped up in numerous credit cards and loans he eventually had to tell me. He keeps saying that he loves me and that although he's done bad things in the past he's trying to change and he'll make it up to me. He can't understand why I won't forgive him! Can you believe it?????It sounds to me that what you are saying makes sense if I get rid of him now then I can at least have some peace of mind. He doesn't want to leave the house but is happy for us to live separate lives. Why didn't he say this years ago? He has denied me many years of a peaceful and secure life and that makes my blood boil. I was financially secure before I met him with my own place. I would have been mortgage free by now. Now we're tied to a mortgage and his extra debts for another 17 years.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Hi there,
Well you could spend an enormous amount of time obsessing over his infidelities. Frankly I would have to say, if you filed for divorce, you can go with option 2, that is the gambling, or sudden loss of thousands of pounds a month.
This is severe enough, if the HL has drawn a wide dragnet to enable divorce, to win you your freedom.
The alternative of course is for you to suggest an open marriage. Meet one of his lovers, and simply let it go at that.
However, I would suspect you don't want to meet any of these women. What good would it do you?
I can honestly tell you that your angst is based largely on the "betrayed spouse" position in all of this. To me getting rid of your husband, if in fact you no longer love him, is the ultimate goal here; not catching him cheating on you. His philandery isn't going to improve your marriage, and it would seem to me with the trust having been destroyed, it makes no sense to move forward.
That said, it also seems to me that if he's cheating on you, then he's cheating on the other women. Eventually they will find out he's not 2 timing or 3 timing on them, but 10 timing on them.
The other issue is this: why would you want to be married to a serial philanderer?
It would seem to me that the greatest "win" in this situation, is to be rid of him for good. Then you're free to manage your life on your own thank you.
It seems that is really what you want? No? Or do you just want to rub his philandery in his face? He will deny it all the way on down the line. Its best to simply walk away from it.
Or the alternative is find someone to occupy your time and service your needs. While waiting for the divorce of course. In separate established abodes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband is intent on making our marriage work again. He denies everything and says he wants our marriage to work. But I just cannot trust him. I read somewhere that the person your husband is likely to cheat with you would someone I know. The only person I could think of is a friend who never contact me - just dropped me suddently and I often wonder if it is her. This is driving me to distraction. I just want to get the proof and to avoid spending money on private detectives I think I'll try and get it myself. But where do I start? I'm exhausted and upset that I have to resort to this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked my husband to let me have one of his lover's full name and address. He refused. His reason, this time, was that he didn't want her dragged into anything. He has never had an affair during our marriage..according to him. But I don't believe him. I think he's had about 7-10 sexual relationships since we've been married. It is no surprise to me that he keeps on denying it. He just wants to protect his skin. He thinks this is all one big joke and actually expects me to fall into his arms once I've chatted to him (albeit one sided) about my concerns. He did admit that when he did jobs away with his friend they went out to bars most nights. I couldn't possibly expect a man of his age to stay in his hotel room - now could I?In the past when we've been out with friends and he's had a few too many he only wants to talk about Amsterdam. He probably paid for sex over there. He went a few times without me - on business and obviously enjoyed the delights the prostitutes had to offer.He probably thinks that chatting to women online and meeting up with them for sex when he's away from home doesn't count as cheating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband has found out that I've been posting stuff about him on this site. He's so thick skinned that he just laughed. It looks as if I'll have to be extra cautious and watch my back. I don't mind that he's read this - he knows what I'm saying is the truth with no embellishments. He finds it very amusing and is so confident that I won't leave him that he's making a joke out of it.
I enjoy a challenge and this is one that I'm determined to win if only on moral grounds. His ego is too huge for this world.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (22 October 2009):
I am so sorry for you. It seems that you have been through something. The gambling, the seeming porn addiction, and possible affair.
There appears no hope to reconcile here? Not at all?
In either event, there is little advice to offer here as two people must want a marriage to continue. It would seem only 1 of you does, possibly, but its also possible that your husband would be happy to terminate the marriage as well.
As I understand it, divorce in the U.K. is simpler than in the United States, which has so many jurisdictional issues; and so few options. In the UK at least from the Law Society as I am aware, there are typically 5 grounds, two of which apply here:
1. Adultery if it can be proved by witnesses; and
2. Unreasonable Behavior: Increased and unnecessary spending on gambling and prostitution (big time reasons -- endangering the family finances) and of course your inability to occupy the home or marriage with him for one more second. Basically the latter is the "no fault" issue. If the marriage is irretrievably broken because you no longer love him, then that is grounds for unreasonable behavior, quite broad actually in its application.
I don't recall all of the HL rulings on this but it casts such a wide net that practically all divorces can be granted.
However, I would suggest going for a decree absolute rather than a decree nisi, as the latter can be reopened if circumstances change. You want it permanent, not temporary.
Good luck though. It seems you have your legal ducks firmly in hand, and unfortunately your husband is in for quite a shock.
Terrible shame what he's going to go through. I suspect he'll be posting here next.
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A
female
reader, robinp93401 +, writes (22 October 2009):
What a P*%@$!!! NOT his son? Sweetie you do WHATEVER you have to do! I feel like getting on a plane.....We're ALL here for you :)
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A
female
reader, robinp93401 +, writes (22 October 2009):
I am so sorry for your loss, and that's what this is. It's like a death. The death of your marriage, which you believed so strongly in and the death of the person you thought your husband was. However, you seem to be handling yourself appropriately. I agree that you should keep your plans to yourself. He has obviously been leading a double life and if he knew your plans, who knows what he would do. He's probably counting on you to continue to be the perfect wife and mother as you have always been. His world is about to implode, deservedly so. My only advice is in regards to your son. If they have a great relationship, don't ruin it for your son. Husbands and wives can do horrible things to each other but the relationship between a child and parent is a whole other ball game. Keep your son informed so as not to have HIS world devastated. You won't need to tell him every little detail of his fathers indiscretions as he will, when he is older, find out and he will respect and love you all the more for making the right decision in ending the marriage while still respecting HIS relationship with his father. I hope this helps and good luck! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. Being silent about what I'm too sometimes proves difficult. Just lately my health has suffered and I've had to give up my job. I've had to negotiate money to pay the mortgage, food etc from him which really makes matters worse. I hate having to be dependant on him. I'm having to act my way through this marriage. Thankfully my son is now married otherwise he would pick up on my 'acting'. My so called husband is as thinks all is well as long as I greet and feed him. He has his mistress, the computer to keep him occupied. Make no mistake I'm just looking for the day when I can wave the papers at him and say cheerio.
I was married before and swore never to repeat the experience - my son is from my first marriage. The first husband was an alcoholic and violent. I sometimes think I was put on this earth to suffer. I don't think I'll be entering into wedlock again. I will just be a good grandmother to my son's children whenever that time comes along. I plan on seeing some of the world and doing things that I should have been enjoying in our marriage. This time I'll be doing it alone.
I hope that my luck changes and my health improves and I find the strength and fortitude to see this through.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 October 2009):
I understand completely how you feel. My father is like your husband! So you're not alone in the world, and I promise you, leaving him really will be the best break you've ever done. Get all the legal advice you can, and make a clean break for yourself. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (22 October 2009):
 I don't think you need much advice. You're doing the right things. Bide your time, get all your ducks in a row and when he least expects it -wham- hit him with it, right between the eyes. And while he's trying to figure out what happened to his well crafted lie, I mean life send him over to his girlfriends house and let her deal with the creep on a full time basis. she deserves what she gets.
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (22 October 2009):
 I am just going to offer complete support for what you're doing.
Keep going about it in this way, it sounds like you're being very intelligent - gather as much evidence as your solicitor thinks is necessary and then free yourself from this man. I doubt there will be many who think that what you're doing is cold - to me it sounds like this guy deserves everything thats coming to him! I don't know how old your son is, but this sleazebag should NOT be his father figure and male role model.
Good luck!
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