A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife (dating and married) for 19 years now. We have had our ups and downs and during a down period (about 10 years into our relationship) I went to a strip club for the first time. I always had this bad idea about strip clubs and the people the frequent them, so it was a real personal struggle for me to finally go to one (I went alone) but I admit that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so much that over the rest of our marriage I went another 4-5 times - maybe once every other year - usually when my wife was out of town visiting relatives. I have three older sisters and grew up with a tremendous respect for women. My wife went to Catholic school and hates exploitation of women for both religious and feminist reasons. In general, I agree with her. I am not proud I went to these clubs and contributed to these misguided young ladies selling their dignity to me for a few dollars. That aside, I went enough times (and spent enough time talking to the women when I went) to also see that some of these girls don't have the same hangups other women have and seek to profit from something lots of girls give away for free. I didn't sexualize them as much as I thought I might. I was able to view them as normal women like any others who just happened to fall into that career. Not all of them were molested or did drugs or whatever the stereotypes are. I also see how it helps some men deal with their marriages. For me it was a harmless sexual outlet. I could satisfy certain urges that my wife was unwilling to address for me. Not that I ever had sex at these places or anything, but our married sex life is poor and the strip club was a good substitute to having an affair or seeing a prostitute. It helped me stay faithful to my wife during times I was really thinking of either cheating or throwing in the towel. The reason for that is that I realized that sex is just sex and that 50% of the world is female and has the same body parts my wife has. It helped me realize how much more I value my wife than for her mere sexuality and place less of an emphasis on sex in our relationship.My problem is that somehow my wife found out I went to one of thee clubs and accused me of it. Of course, I DENIED, DENIED, DENIED. However, the tone of her inquiry leads me to believe that she thinks something illicit happened. I really want to tell her "Honey, I did go. I feel terrible about it, but these places aren't as bad as maybe you think and not as demeaning as both of us probably assumed. Nothing happened other than I saw a few naked girls. We can even go together if you want to see what really happens at these places." Will I dig my own grave by admitting that I went or should I continue to deny? I just want to allay her concerns that going to a strip club somehow means I had sex in the champagne room or whatever it is that she thinks happens there.
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female
reader, carrie_m  +, writes (19 June 2011):
I agree with the post by freeme.
I think that the most important part is this - "Can you live and die with a lie between you and your partner?"
If I were you, I would not tell your wife. What's the point? You've done it already, you can't change it and by telling her, you will only hurt her.
Have you told her everything about your life before you met her? Do you tell her when you see someone you find attractive? No, because she doesn't need to know and she would just be upset by it. She will be even more upset by knowing you lied as well.
If it was me, I would want to know BEFORE it happened. I would rather that my long term partner discussed things with me and then did it with my blessing or not at all. If it had already been done, I'd rather not know because it would cause undue stress on me and the relationship and there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it.
You have done something you feel is wrong. Now YOU have to live with it - don't punish anyone else.
Well that's my opinion.. And I'm sure lots of other women will disagree with me haha.
Best of luck with everything, hope you figure something out =)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): well if you know your in the wrong then you know you shouldn't do it in the first place.
whats a relationship without communication & trust... there isn't one. she's your wife for gods sake not your mother. your meant to share these things with her.. & as i've said, if you know your wrong A) for doing it & B) for denying it then don't do it in the first place.
i wouldn't like to have a lying husband
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): Many people WOULD consider this cheating, it's a complete betrayal and disrespect to your wife. Tell her what you did and DO NOT try to justify it. And under no circumstances say 'why don't you come alaong and have a look' that's the most stupid thing you could say.
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (19 June 2011):
 I see where you are coming from, OP. The strip club issue is very personal and private to every couple.
The way I see it is this. You went knowing full well that your wife is disgusted by this. There are many married men who go with their wives blessings. Some wives come with their men and have a good time too. That isn't the case in your marriage, and that's where you went wrong.
You are worried about digging your own grave, but in my opinion you've already dug it.
You really are in a spot. You've done something your wife hates, and then lied about it. How is she going to trust you in the future?
So now your marriage has 2 problems. 1. You are dissatisfied with your sex life. (I'm sorry to hear this, btw, hearts out to you) 2. You are now going to have trust issues.
As for what to do about the lie... What will bring you the most peace? Where do your morals fall on the subject of living a lie? Can you live and die with a lie between you and your partner? I agree you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't, what can you live with?
As for the sex, the root of the problem... This you gotta talk about with her, and try to fix. Bring your patience and understanding. Learn how to fire her up again.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 I don't understand how you can say you got a sexual outlet ( albet, in your mind " harmless " ) from the strip clubs and satisfied your urges, when then you say that nothing sexual ever went on.
Do you mean that you have an urge of ogling naked women ?...
Then why don't you just stay at home and watch pics of naked women from some "naughty " magazine ?.
At least you'd stop throwing away good money that you could spend instead with your wife, or ON your wife !
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 June 2011):
 Wait a second. On here, your age shows as 26-29 but you've been dating your wife for 19 years? Does that mean that you've been dating her from age 10 on up?
Also, do you realize how you sound? You're going to a strip club, yet you're not sexualizing them and having personal conversations with them about themselves, and it's actually been beneficial to how you interact with your wife and how much you value her? If it weren't for them, you'd have cheated on or left your wife?
Get real. You're lying to yourself even more than you're lying to your wife. Strip clubs are ALL ABOUT sexualizing women. They're certainly not marriage counseling! This isn't about how bad your wife is in bed or how rigid her upbringing is. This is about you wanting something on the side. That's it. In your wife's eyes, if she knew what you were doing, she would consider you to be already cheating on her. You're not preventing anything!
Face it. If the situation were reversed and she were going out to the clubs and grinding on another man (she wouldn't have to pay for her lap dances) and also having personal conversations showing interest in his life, would you accept her explanation of a "harmless sexual outlet" and filling in for your deficiencies in the bedroom or out of it? HELL NO! You've feel devastated, jealous, and deeply betrayed.
No, I'm sorry, but you haven't even given your wife a chance to grow with you sexually and respond to your needs and now you're lying to her. What is your goal? Do you want a better marriage or not, or are you only thinking of yourself and your needs? Did you ever stop to think that you're denying her needs as much as you're feeling like she's denying yours? Have you given her a chance, or are you assuming that her upbringing has stopped her beyond repair? Not only that, but if you've been dating since age 10, you're the only man she's ever had (god I hope so!).
You should come clean and be honest for the first time in your life, and give her the option of deciding what to do. I think the two of you should go in for counselling, because it sounds like both of you have intimacy problems that need working through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): Even if it is some womens choice to work for money by exposing their bodies...it is still exploitation. It is rather strange that you had to frequent such places to learn that women are all basically the same beneath their clothing. One trip could have taught you that.
And sex is not 'just sex'. Say that to your wife and be ready to wrestle the frying pan from her hands.
Lying to your wife is another nail in the coffin now because she obviously knows you have been visiting these women. So you are in fact making yourself look guilty of more by continuing to deny it all.
There is nothing so unfair as making someone feel they must be crazy for suspecting things, when you know those things to be true. That is a horrible thing to do to someone you are supposed to love! And your way of dealing with her questions will seriously affect how she feels about you when she discovers the truth...and believe me, she will.
No matter how you dress it up. You did wrong. You have been visiting other women to view their bodies and maybe even had sex with them.
What IS the point of living with this woman, feeding her lies and visiting strippers to satisfy yourself? That is not a marriage. Maybe it is time to confess all and let HER decide if marriage to you is something she really wants. Otherwise you are just keeping her by your side under false pretenses. There would be some dignity in confessing all and hoping for forgiveness. It might be your best route.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 This isn't really about watching women jiggle their boobs is it?
It sounds like the marriage isn't what you hoped it would be but you are sticking with it because... love but not passion? It might be affection but also, better the devil you know.
What do you really feel for your wive? Appreciate her for more then her private bits? Like what? How well she cooks? Cleans the house? Is that better then seeing her merely as a collection of sexual bits? Seeing her as a cleaner? A home-maker?
And how does she see the marriage? Some women, I will make no comment on how many, do enjoy an active sex life. If you ain't having one, isn't she also not having one?
Why do the two of you stick together? Maybe there is some love left, but is just letting things be not a sure fire way to end up as two people just living in the same house?
You think you might dig your own grave by coming clean. Yes, you might. But you are digging your own grave anyway, we all are with every heartbeat. What is better a slow lingering peaceful death or a quick agonizingly painful messy one? Drift further and further apart or risk divorce but also a change to save what you two might once have had?
What is this marriage about? Two people leading their own lives, one (maybe two) taking their sexual lives into their own hands or something else? something that might or might not be recoverable.
Before you talk to her, I would first ask myself what it is you really want, and no "for tomorrow to be the same as today" is not an acceptable answer". From there, do what has to be done.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (19 June 2011):
 Come clean. Tell your wife the truth, because as your wife, she deserves to know it. If this had happened before you were married/in a committed relationship, then you didn't owe anything to her. But within the confines of your marriage, you do.
There are greater issues to be addressed here, than just admitting you went to a strip club. Why do you say that you have a poor sex life? Have you and your wife tried to work on that?
Look, if she is confronting you about this, then she knows about it for sure. If you keep lying and denying, you'll be caught in your own web of lies, because if she has some proof and throws it in your face, you'll end up looking even worse. I say admit it, tell her the truth, and work on your marriage. Strip clubs and prostitutes are no substitute for a poor married life. Its no drug that you can take and escape the pain for a few hours. Agreed, that it might not as bad as its made out to be, but it seems you're just justifying this to yourself, as if you're saying, ok its not THAT bad after all!
Good, bad or ugly, its not acceptable to lie to your wife and visit strip clubs, even if its for a "harmless sexual outlet". If it was that harmless, all men would have done it with their wife's blessings. And if it was that acceptable and fine, you wouldn't have hidden it from your wife for so long too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): I'm not married. However- i am in a serious relationship (i'm a woman), and I went to my first stip club as well. I was extremely nervous (just like you) and I had my theories (b/c of the movies). It was NOTHING like we expected, huh? I have a really good friends of mine, who works at a strip club, and...shes a college student, EXTREMELY smart, funny, beautiful etc...she loves it! She loves the attention, she loves to dance..and she loves her body. Its not as bad as what your wife (and 75% of america thinks).
As a matter of fact, I would be PERFECTLY fine if my fiance went (considering I know exactly what goes on there), but..hes never been into one, and he got EXTREMELY mad at me for going. Even after telling him that its nothing like he thought it was, and he still got pissed!
My best advice is to tell her that you went with someone (a buddy) for a birthday, or something...i dont know. But i wouldnt say you went alone. She might be really pissed, i don't really know her.
So...either lie and say you went with a buddy, or...keep denying! I would hate if this clean experience you had would ruin your marriage
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): I think that you should come clean, your wife may not forgive you though as it was a complete betrayal of her trust.
I think that the fact that you went so that you don't have an affair is so disrespectful to your wife, You lusted and fantasized about other women in my eyes thats cheating, maybe she would see it different but i sure would not take my bf back if he did that especially when he knows how i feel about it. You need to look at things from your wifes perspective, do you have children?? If you do then your wifes self esteem is going to hit rock bottom, most women have hang ups about their body before they even have kids, but after they have given birth you lose a bit of your confidence, because your old body has gone. Imagine how she would feel.. she would feel like you are comparing her to them. That she wasn't good enough for you, that you had to pay to pleased. It will tear her apart inside.
Now i no that i said you should come clean but thats because i believe that honesty is the best policy and that out of respect to her, you should tell her because she already has an idea, and if she finds out through somebody else it will hurt her even more. Look you have got yourself into a bad situation but you might be able to salvage things by coming clean and telling her that you didn't want to tell her because you didn't want her thinking bad of you for going.
I think that you should invest more time into your marriage instead of these strip clubs your wife is more important isn't she? Let us know how you get on, best of luck i hope it all works out for you :)
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