A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:is this getting too serious.i am 20 yrs old never had a girlfriend ( i lie to some of my friends and tell them that i had some short relationships in the past)i am still a virgin (i lie about that to my close guy firneds as well).i am good looking and there are girls who like me. my biggest problem is maybe i am trying to find the perfect girl. ive seen many of my closest buddies just see a girl get infatuated, decides to go into a relationship and a few weeks later is looking for a way to blow her off. im different than that. iwant to get into a relationship with a girl because i love her. and i intend on it to last.i am wondering if i should lower lower my expectations because age is starting to creep up on me. some of you may thnk 20 is really young but come on ( a virgin, never had a girlfriend, ppl will start to think i am gay)i f there is ever a girl which i meet that meet these expextations she is out of my league and i get turned down.i need help before i get to depressed and desperate. what should i do?what should my thinking be?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): Wanting a long-term relationship rather than a fling is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I commend you.
I agree with CindyCares -- we need to know what you're specifically looking for to know if your expectations are too high.
Do you expect to be in a long-term relationship with a supermodel? A woman with a lot of money, a full time job and a beautiful car?
Or is your expectation a long-term relationship?
Keep in mind you might have to be in a relationship with a girl you really like for a while before you know you love her. It's not normally an instant "love at first sight" kind of thing.
A
female
reader, carrie_m  +, writes (19 June 2011):
I'm a similar age to you and I have a few friends my age that haven't been in serious relationships yet because they haven't met anyone that they think they feel strongly enough about. Do I think "what a loser"? No, I think, I wish I was as sensible as them and hadn't wasted so much time and energy on people that I KNEW I could never have anything long term with.
I think, stick to your guns, don't compromise just because of peer pressure.
Saying that, play the game a little! You can't find a girl you love if you aren't going on dates, hanging out etc.
However...
"i f there is ever a girl which i meet that meet these expextations she is out of my league and i get turned down."
... so what are you expectations? That she's super hot?
Maybe give girls that aren't model-good-looking a chance, girls that have similar values and interests to you that you could get on with. I'm not saying go out with girls that repulse you, that's always a mistake, but don't expect to stumble upon a perfect girl with Megan Fox good looks that wants to be with you. Of course you need to be attracted to someone you are in a relationship with, but seriously, don't judge a book by it's cover... What happens when the looks go? Other stuff is as, if not more, important as someone being attractive
Good luck finding that special girl =)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 We should know what your expectations are to tell you if they sound unrealistic.
What exactly these girl are supposed to be or do so that you can be drawn to them ?
Also keep in mind that only being attracted to people that you feel way "superior" to you is a typical defense mechanism adopted by insecure people to protect a shaky self esteem.
Like : if I only like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp or some polo playing Argentine billionaire, and they don't give me the time of the day - I don't feel so bad, after all they are creatures from another world.
But if I allow myself the weakness of being attracted by someone more similar to me , say , my 50 y.o. middle class neighbour , with a few gray hair or a couple extra pounds , and HE brushes me off- ouch ouch ,goes my ego.
What, am I not even " good enough " for Average Joe ?.
Work on feeling good enough regardless ( not easy, admittedly ) then you won't need to get the hottest or coolest or richest girl to feel validated. You'll be free to like exactly what you really like- which could be surprisingly different from what you THINK you should like.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): I think that you need to realize that there is no such thing as perfection and that beneath all the surface beauty its really the person inside that counts. I wouldn't say that your expectations are too high but you you may be looking for something that doesn't exist nobody can tick all the boxes.
When you go out, hang out with girls that you have fun with and and who you feel comfortable with. When you can truly be yourself with someone then your on to a winner, and even the most plain looking person can seem like a super model when you both click, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
When you see girls that you think are meeting your expectations you are getting rejected?? It seems like you loose all confidence in yourself because you think that they are out of your league, show them that you are on the same level, when they realize that you are not intimidated by them you will start off on an even keel. best of luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): Actually...my boyfriend was nonexperienced, virgin, and 20 years old, when i first started dating him (hes 23 now).
I have a roomate, and hes a really cool dude. But hes...23, never had a girlfriend, and is still a virgin, because his expectations are too high. I'm not saying to bring your expectations EXTREMELY low, but maybe you should evaluate what you are looking for.
You don't know what you want, until you try. Maybe put your expectations to the side, and try out different types of girls...and then figure out which you think is perfect for you. No one is perfect, but...someone that can slightly meet your needs.
Try skinny, chubby, short, tall, college student, blonde, brunette, shy, outgoing, funny, cute, fun, etc...
I have dated all types of men, from really hott guys, chubby guys, nerds..... etc I always wanted a bad boy, but now i'm stuck with a nerd, hahaha...and i cant picture myself any happier!
Theres no shame in wanting a real longterm relationship. However...this is your first time, you don't want to get too close, serious, and personal with the first girl you meet. Try dating for awhile with a bunch type of girls.
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