A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i'am really lost and really do not know what to do, it's really hard to say but i have not told anyone in the 2years that it has happened. i was raped when i was 15 there was more to it, as i formed an attachment towards this man. he was a security man who was old enough to be my dad, i was just 15 and it went on for ages iv never ever told anyone. i felt to ashamed and i couldn't allow people that cared about me to get hurt by this too. i would never wish what happened to me on anyone else, but 2 years on and im finding it hard keeping this to myself. it's effected everything in my life, my trust towards people, getting hurt and relationships, i feel ashamed i have not stopped this man but i just couldn't. there is times when i just want to scream it out and get it out when, im listening to other peoples problems because they sound so much more simple, easier to deal with. i guess i'am asking for advice or someone who has been through a similar situation on their opinions on what to do please Reply to this Question
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female
reader, faye9 +, writes (24 February 2011):
thank you all for everything you said, i know this was posted a year ago but, i would just like to let you know that i finally spoke out and told someone a month ago in january. i also found the courage to go to the police after i talked it through and my family encouraged me also. a full investigation occured and i had to for the first time, say aloud what actually happened, in full detail it went on for a month untill it came to a dead end as the police found that he had hung himself in prison,in may 2010 while he was awaiting to go to court for a sexual assualt on an 18 year old this was the only case they knew about and was his only conviction. so i guess this is the end now even though im finding it harder to deal with but im sure in time, i hope i will be able to move on with my life. thank you again
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
 And don't think because we're asking you to go for help that we are not here for you, or your not welcome. Your always welcome to come and talk to any of us at Dear Cupid at any time.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
Here are the telephone numbers for the UK.. You've been brave enough to tell us, and we don't think your dirty. We haven't rejected you. It's up to you if you want to talk to the police, right now it's your well being that I'm thinking about.
I haven't got the exact number for the Rape Crisis Centre, because they have many places all over the UK. Look at the website find the place that's closest to you. They have a 24hour telephone line. Now the reason that I want you to call them, is because they are the experts. They have many women there who have suffered just like you have. They know exactly what your feeling, they know exactly what you need. You've been brave enough to tell us, now just do this little thing, call the women at the crisis centres and tell them what happened.
Everything your feeling is right and proper, and what you did is the only thing you could do at the time. You were young and you were scared, fear and youth makes us very vulnerable. But now you are older, and for the sake of your future and your happiness you need support to get over the bad memories. Please talk to the women at the rape centre, tell your story and they'll understand exactly what you are going through.
*Rape Crisis Centres
http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/index.php
The Samaritans are also there 24hours a day, if you can't sleep or feel bad. You don't have to even give your name, they will listen to anything you have to say and will keep all your secrets. You desperately need someone to talk to, and it's not enough coming here, we don't have the proper experience.
*The Samaritans.... http://www.samaritans.org/
UK: 08457 90 90 90 ROI: 1850 60 90 90
You've done good kid, you survived, you came and told us, you have been very brave. You want a better future for yourself, your tired of keeping secrets, your tired of being afraid. Now I need you to go and seek some help from people who have been hurt just like you have. Just be brave a little longer, and you'll get through this ok.. :)
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Trauma, by being raped is like you watch a scary movie and keep playing it over and over again in your head. Trusting others is difficult, especially when assaulted by someone you had trust in.
Even though you went through this experience, it doesn't mean your any less of a person than before. I believe people who survive rape are even more than they were before, because of the difficulty, and traumatic changes that are managed. Granted, any assault takes from your sense of self, but you don't have to remain with these negative changes either.
I'd recommend, you write yourself a letter, detail with your feelings of what had happened to gain a sense of closure. Such as, "I couldn't stop this from happening, it hurts, but I'm not going to let this ass keep me from being who I choose to become." Write it in detail, and close to the end, within the last part, I want you to tell yourself, it happened, it's not happening now, so you give yourself permission to move away from this and get yourself back on track. It's also helpful, every time you get thoughts of this experience, to change your thoughts and begin focusing on something that is a better focus.
As I said, this is traumatic. It may be helpful to join a group of others who have had this happen to them. Sharing stories, and realizing you're not alone is extremely beneficial.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (27 January 2010):
You have taken the first step to getting free; well done. You have already received lots of excellent advice. I just wanted to add that it is perfectly normal to feel sympathy for your abuser. I recently dealt with a 9 year old girl who insisted that her abuser, a 26 year old man, was her boyfriend and that he gives her sweets so she didn't want him to get into trouble with the police. In psychological counseling we call this Stockholm syndrome and we see it all the time, where a victim is reluctant or refuses to report their abuser. American Jaycee Dugard was abducted and raped, had 2 children by her abuser and stayed with this man for years and had to be forced to admit her true identity. But since she did, she is now free and he cannot hurt her anymore. He also cannot hurt another innocent little girl. I would say in your situation, you may feel as though going to the police is too much for you right now. So I suggest you contact the Rape Crisis Centre. Go to www.rapecrisis.org.uk There you can find the centre nearest to you. A counselor will talk you through each stage and help you look at the options available to you. This guy may have told you he loves you or that you wanted this since you no longer resist. The truth is that he loves only himself and you never wanted this; you submitted because you were trying to survive. He has manipulated you with lies so much that you have questioned yourself. But ask yourself this; if you could see a young girl like yourself in a similar situation with an old pervert, what would you tell her???
So now that you know better, do better. Seek help today then come back here and update your post. We will be having sleepless nights until we hear back from you. Just remember that your silence could mean another little girl out there is being victimized. Abusers never abuse just one girl. Thy usually have several; so which one of these little girls is going to step forward and save the rest? All the best.
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A
female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (27 January 2010):
 My Dear Friend,
First I am sorry for what u went thro and what u r going thro. I also respect u for coming out, for I know it is a very hard thing to do. I can not say I know how u feel, because I have not been in ur shoes. I do understand pain, shame, uneasiness, mistrust, and all that comes with this.
I would like to give u my opinion and u can think about what I say to you. After u have considered what I have said u you can make ur own discussion. And I hope it might shed some light, give u hope and maybe lead you.
First of all NONE of this is ur fault. Don't think for 1sec. that u had anything to do with this. Don't u feel guilty for any of ur feelings also. I will tell u something and I will tell u how to get help for this also.
You said u feel some kind of attachmen towards this man. Friend as strange as this may sound this is not unusual. Not at the age u were when u were raped. There r many as urself that have been raped and have felt that way. I won't go into details what causes it, because I want to tell let u know what u can do about it. How to deal with all ur emotions, confusion, and help u not feel so disheartened.
I can tell u why u r feeling it hard to keep it to urself tho. Your mind has matured, and it is telling u in its own way that you need to deal with it, and now is the time. In a sense it means u r ready. I know it will take much courage and it will bring much pain, but it has already done that, but now is the time ur mind is saying to do to deal with it. It will become more and more vivid and stronger as time goes on. Plz take heed to my words for I have nothing but caring in my words for you.
Friend, it is time to talk with someone. Time to let it out, free urself from this prison u r in, because right now that is what it is for you. If u don't deal with this it will get worse and by this I mean it will over power u to the point that will ruin ur life.It will eat you up inside, more than u are now. It will stop u from leading a normal life of which u can regain if u r willing to come out and face the hurt within urself. I can tell r u a strong person, intelligent, and honest. You still have a strong light in you. Dear friend u can not heal urself, u will be only searching in the dark.
Now plz u must find someone to talk with. By this I mean, not a friend. You need someone that u can trust. Someone that has experience with such matters. I say to u also u r not alone. There r many woman such as urself. I would ask you to go to speak to a doctor. Tell him/her what happened, he as professional will put u intouch with a concellor with the experience u need. You can trust these ppl because by law they r to keep everything confidential. You will have no worries of anyone finding out. You can choose to speak with the concellor one on one. It would be more private that way then in a group. Now friend it may be hard to even trust this concellor and btw u can ask for a woman u migh feel more confortable a woman. You will have to speak up for urself and ask for what u need. I know in my heart u can do this.
Now friend, plz remember that this concellor is not there to judge you. She will be there to help you. I also know that in the beginning it will be very hard. But plz trust in me that the more u go the easier it will get. If u find it hard to say the words *speak* u can write things down and just hand it to her. For I know ur eyes will fill up with tears and that lump in ur throat might prevent u from even getting words out. Trust me friend that too will become easier.
Now it is inportant to tell the concellor everything. Most inportant of all this attachment u say u feel towards this man. This is a very inportant thing for her to know. Even if its not the 1st, 2nd time u go but the 3rd time u must do so. Give urself time to feel comfortable with the consellor. You will see the more u go the more u will get rid of this *crying out feeling* and the other feelings that come along with it. I also will say to u that is might take a while, but value it because it is for your being that u follow through with it.
Most inportant of all friend, plz don't give up on urself. Remeber u r worth more than u think. Right now it is all about YOU. About getting urself back. If u follow this trough u will not only be healed, but complete, and in the long run u may even be able to help others such as urself and believe me there r many hon.
I hope my opinions have been helpful to you. I will pray for u and hope that u get my what I sent u seriously. Take it to heart that I send it to u with HOPE that u will become whole.
If u would like to mail me plz feel free.
Take care and don't let that light go out
((HUGS))
salvadda
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A
male
reader, iamaphony +, writes (27 January 2010):
you're lucky. you have had an experience/trauma few get to go through. but through your life you will meet and find, perhaps even help, so many others that will be going through what you went through, and are going through now.
what would you tell them? how would you help them?
your experience... is just a memory now. it's like an old faded black and white photograph; and how you carry it, or choose to carry it, is up to you now.
i am not a very religious person, believe me; but, "the truth will set you free".
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (27 January 2010):
 I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I commend you for having the courage to look for help.
Most cities have crisis lines that you can call for free. Check in your telephone directory for a rape crisis line. They will have a counsellor there who will know best how to help you.
Good luck -- the sooner you call, the sooner you can start to put this behind you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): it seems like you don't care about yourself too much after reading the "i felt to ashamed and i couldn't allow people that cared about me to get hurt by this too" part, as it WOULD hurt them but they would still love you and i'm sure that knowing that it has happened multiple times will hurt them A THOUSAND times more and you can't keep it a secret forever. you can't just wish it away, you HAVE TO tell someone as soon as possible for your own emotional AND physical well-being. this man is sick, and for all you know he could be doing this to lots of other girls too!
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A
male
reader, ebecode  +, writes (27 January 2010):
 I know you are hurt both emotionally and psychologically,but you have to understand that nobody is gonna help you,unless you wanna help yourself.please,you have to stop this once and for all anyway,anyhow,because if you don't stop,this man will destroy you and i wouldn't want that because,i love you.you have to get over it and move on with your life,find a good partner and enjoy a blissful relationship;remember that the downfal of a man/woman is not the end of his life.i wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): ik wht ur going through i was molested by my moms husband for 2 or three yrs although i might of been younger of age i still felt the same way u did. idk y i didnt push him off y i didnt say anything to my mother or y i didnt scream out for her; knowing she wuz just in the other room asleep. until one day i couldnt take it anymore i wuz looking at this sick bastard walking around like nothing; like if he wuznt hurting me, so i spoke to someone i really trusted and they talked to me until i decided to put his ass in jail. wht these sick a holes do to us is not right, girl talk to someone u really trust ur mom, sis aunt, cuzn, grama someone. and trust me they wont judge u they will actully b glad u spoke to them so they can help u get all the help u need to make a full recovery emotionally. u will probably need to seek therapy as i did and it did help. you need to focous on gettn better urself then start the process of trusting others. please speak up u owe it to urself dont let this ahole get the best of u. u r stronger then wht u give urself credit for. the best of luck to u.....
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (26 January 2010):
 I don't understand what your saying. He raped you and then you had a relationship with him? Either way it is rape, you were underage and he was an adult, he bears the responsibility and he should pay the consiquences for his actions. You should not have to deal with the emotional trama alone. You need help to heal and process all of your feelings and fears so you don't have to suffer all of your life because of his actions. Be strong, talk to a responsible adult. Your mom or a relative, teacher, counsoler or the mother of a close friend. Get help, don't try to handle it alone. God bless you.
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A
male
reader, Libra +, writes (26 January 2010):
The main issue here is you have now finally realised that this man will hurt someone else. Therefore action should be taken. I have friends in the Judiciary who woule be quite clear in this - you report the matter forthwith.
However you need to think carefully. You formed some sort of relationship here, and it is not clear if the "relationship" was fully voluntary or a little forced. To put it bluntly more rape. This you must decide. Go and seek counselling to resolve this issue.
If indeed it was "more rape" then it is quite clear - you report the matter asap. That will most likely be traumatic as there will be statements, court hearings and of course the defence will be "she was willing etc etc." Hence the question above. You must decide was there willingness or was it fear.
Finally if it was all fear then this man is dangerous, and needs to be stopped before someone else end up like you, or worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): It's not your fault. You need some professional counseling. I love my wife and it happened to her. It doesn't change the way I feel about her at all. It has affected our relationship. When you meet someone that you care about there will be a time that you need to tell him. If you don't it will cause more problems. Get counseling please. It is heartbreaking to hold someone all night as they cry when they won't get counseling. Just do it.
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A
female
reader, ImJustTrinity +, writes (26 January 2010):
Honey, you need to go to the police.
I know its hard, but this will affect you for the rest of your life.
You're letting him win by letting this incident rule your life.
Also the fact that if he is punished for what he has done, or goes to prison, other 15 year olds like you won't have to go through what you did.
I'm sorry this has happened to you love, it's awful to hear what sick people are capable of. but he can't rule your life forever. You need to take control and show him that he can't hurt you anymore than he has done already.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Contact the police.
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