A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im in my mid twenties, living at home, have a good steady job and a boyfriend of 7 years. I am now utterly depressed. My boyfriend and I were about to fill out a form for a flat but i just broke down in tears and couldn't face doing it. Problem is, I don't think he's the one but I can't bare the thought of ending it and not having him in my life. I feel utterly lost. I dont have many friends and those that I do are either living with their boyfriends or living far away and i don't see them as much as I want to.I think I have always known he is not the one but he loves me so much and I feel safe with him. He is all I have. Part of me thinks that I should get the flat as it will give me the chance to find out once and for all. We had picked furntiure and the place is lovely. My job is not as good as it was, I am not very happy there and there is no social life whatsoever, but it is a good stable job and those are hard to find right now.Please can someone help me? My friend told me that I need to be brave and finish things but like I said the thought of that is very painful and while still being stuck at home with few friends and a job I don't like I'm worried things will just become worse.You may already tell that I am low on self confidence and generally feel a bit lost with life and what I should be doing. I have been told the usual 'join a club' or 'get a hobby' but again the motivation is just not there. I want to just crawl under the duvet and not come out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): Ugh I know exactly how you feel - I was with my boyfriend for almost 5 years until we broke up last year. I am of a similar age, still lived at home and had a steady, if not small, group of close friends all in relationships too.
During the last year or so of the relationship I'd had an almost constant niggling feeling that I didn't want to be with this guy forever more, however, the thought of not having him in my life was overwhelmingly more daunting - he was my best friend, my confidante and the one true pillar of support I could always rely on. He was always there for me and I loved him for that. But, although We still had great times together and whatnot,I just couldn't rid myself of this gut feeling he wasn't 'the one.'
When it came to us actually moving in together, something we'd often discussed, he finally turned round and told me he didn't love me anymore - I'd grown distant and critical of him and he felt alienated from me and so he ended our relationship. I was absolutely devastated, my security blanket had been ripped away and I felt utterly alone and abandoned. All my friends were in relationships, the thought of having to date again filled me with dread, my social options seemed non existent.
It's now been over a year and I now have the hindsight to be hugely thankful to this guy for waking up and seeing what I never would - that I was in love with him purely because he loved me - he offered me a safe, comfortable little rut to be in. He didn't challenge me in any way and when I was with him I let my goals of a glittering career etc evaporate and settle with 'well this is good enough'. Somewhere during that relationship I'd essentially become a coward and stuck with a guy because I was afraid of being alone. Instead of waking up and realizing I was missing out on my life, I'd become subconsciously detached from him which eventually drove him away, hurting us both in huge amounts.
In short - this is what I fear will happen to you and your boyfriend if you carry on. You will become bitter and slowly chip away at the relationship. You are not meant to be with this guy and you are missing out on time in your life you'll never get back by opting to settle for what is easy and comfortable. I know it seems impossible, and that you can't bear to break this guy's heart but you owe it to him and yourself to be honest, to take control of your feelings and end this before you get further and further entrenched into a relationship that's not right. By staying with my boyfriend because I was too afraid to break his heart, I missed the opportunity to work abroad, meet new people etc etc - things I didn't even realize I'd missed out on until we eventually split up.
After we broke up I felt energized into taking stock of my life - I moved out of my parent's house, got a new job which led to me meeting my new boyfriend which in turn ultimately led me to meeting some fab new friends. I feel like a snow globe that someone has just firmly shaken after many years of sitting on shelf with all the snow slumped at the bottom doing nothing (cheesy analogy but guess it makes sense?!)
The best of luck - you're in for a rough time if you do decide to end it, breakups are never fun, but a few months from now, a year or whatever I guarantee you'll be so sure you made the right decision. xxx
A
male
reader, iamaphony  +, writes (27 January 2010):
you have to have faith in yourself. you have to know that you are the ONE, and live accordingly. right now, you don't think he's the one, and yet from what you said your ENTIRE life is dependent on him.
it's all you. if you can't be happy and learn how to love yourself, how can you make others happy and show them love?
you have to find YOUR happiness and fun, and stretch it. face your fears. enjoy the things to come.
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A
male
reader, Trans Am Man +, writes (26 January 2010):
 Well I don't know if you've ever seen That '70s Show but it looks like you got yourself in an Eric and Donna situation. You see Eric was committed to Donna and to prove so he gave her a promise ring. She accepted the ring only because she was unsure of the promise she had really made, which was to be with Eric forever. Once she had thought it through she decided to give the ring back. After doing so she reveals to Eric that she doesn't see him in her vision of the future. She doesn't see herself ending up with him. He leaves Donna and they are both miserable. You see if you're not ready to end things, then don't. Just because you don't see him in 5 years or 10 years or maybe you don't see him sitting on the front porch with you watching the sunset when you're 90, or you don't see him holding you're hand and crying when the lord calls you up, the point is that just because you can't see him, doesn't mean he's not there. There's still a chance you could make it.
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A
male
reader, ebecode  +, writes (26 January 2010):
 Baby,i really understand how you feel.You see,you have to be brave to confront life challenges and this is one of them.I thing this unnecessary worry of yours has to do with your low self esteem,but you can do something about it by being more positive towards life.Dont worry,move with him,radiate love,live positively,be an optimist,believe things will just come out good.Enjoy a blissful union afterwards.I will be expecting ma wedding invitation soon! Ahhh!..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Did you realize he wasn't the one during the last years/year? And you were happy with him before? I am wondering, this could of course not be the case, but I am wondering if the reason you are depressed isn't him, but your life situation right now. You have no social life, you say your friends live far away, or aren't as available to you as you'd wish. Also your job isn't the greatest and you don't have anything that excites you in your life right now. So I am wondering, if the relationship is actually fine, or the only good thing right now, but not enough to make good all the bad things, thereby making the relationship look bad as well?
Imagine if you had all the friends you wanted, and a job where you were happy, also a place of your own instead of living at home in your mid-twenties. How would you view the relationship then? Would you still not be comfortable being in it and having doubts?
If you dont want to be in the relationship, breaking up is never easy. It wont get easier. It will always be just as hard. The feeling of wanting to crawl under a blanket and just hide from the world I recognize. You've lost motivation, you're sad and feeling down. Im feeling like that at the moment myself, and everything looks so difficult and I dont think I will be able to overcome things. But I am able to locate the source of my misery, and that helps, because then I know that once I fix this one thing, I will be fine again.
Will you be fine after you end the relationship? Or are there more things in your life, or other things altogether, that needs fixing?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 January 2010):
 I broke down in tears when the first day I met my teacher in college. I was asking myself whether I chose the wrong major. So what I did in college did not help me in real life. But I was glad I was a professional at something. I do no regret anything I do although I believe in fate and that you should just let things flow naturally. It's very painful to choose either way. You don't know if he's the one? For what? Maybe in the future you might find out marriage is not for you! I cannot tell from this post that you have low self confidence, but rather something in you is really looking for some life experience. You want everything to be perfect right away. If you have long term goals regarding your career, such as moving up as manager in your company or something else, your job won't be as boring.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): I just went through something very similar. I was with a guy for a long time and he was starting to talk about getting married. The whole time we were together, I loved him very much, but I knew in my heart he wasn't the one. I held on to him for so long because I was afraid to be without him. I had no other close friends and I didn't want to be alone. Finally finally finally, I got up the currage to tell him how I felt and I just ended it right then and there. I relized it wasn't just my time I was waisting, but his as well. Out of love for him, I had to let him go so that he could find that girl that will marry him and be the woman he wants. I did have to sacrifise myself though. He of course didn't thank me lol, he hasn't spoken to me, but he has moved on and is now engaged and very happy. And as for me, I dove head first into online dating trying to find "the one" and though I might not have found him yet, I'm having a ball meeting new people and making new friends. Apparently there are a lot of ppl just like you and me out there online. One more thing, the day I broke up with my ex, all the stress and anxiety and sadness were gone immidietly. I felt so free and excited to meet that guy of my dreams. He's out there and that's what makes it all worth it.
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A
female
reader, donnadonut +, writes (26 January 2010):
Soooo you would rather lead the poor guy on and move in with him when you know he's not the one? Your only delaying the inevitable. If after 7 years your still not sure if hes the one, then he isnt.
Its going to hurt but its not going to be the end of the world. Being with someone for 7 years is a long time, especially if your only in your 20's. The thought of being alone can be scary but trust me its not that bad.
Isnt there something youve always wanted to do? What about travelling? a night-course at college? maybe a new job or a move could be on the cards for you?
Dont think of this as the end, it could be the beginning if you want it to be! Good luck! :)
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