A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend over 2 years and we're madly in love. However on a number of occassions he has punched etc.He has not beat me up and never badly hurt me. I used to blame myself but not anymore . After warning him never to touch me again after he really scared me when we were on holidays it did happen again. I left him . However I've been talking to him and we really want this to work. He's agreed to go to anger management / councilling . Which i have agreed to go along to if necessary . This is the only way i will get back with him. He has never really done any damage to me and he is a really good person. I just think he needs to deal with this anger and nip it in the bud. I really want to give him a chance. Should I???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): Me too, mea culpa. I just wanted to emphasize that putting up with punches does not denote love but terror.
A
male
reader, Timothy81  +, writes (30 July 2009):
I'm sorry - I should've not called anybody stupid. My fault... I was just saying that you deserve better than someone who doesn't treat you right... You can do better!
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A
female
reader, citris +, writes (29 July 2009):
 I am very angry with some of the answers in this post! Calling this girl stupid and other degrading remarks are not at all helpful to her. If anything these things are damaging to her sense of self! Especially if she is in such a place where trying to figure out what the right thing for HER to do is!People, when you respond to posts of women(or men) asking for advice about abusive partners, you need to have a bit more understanding of what it feels like to be in that persons shoes. Not everyone knows every detail of what goes on, therefore, give your opinion and advice, fine. Insult and demean an already beaten down person, and you're only contributing to the problem! Please have some decency and think before you post.Secondly, for those who are of the belief that people "never change" I roll my eyes. I have witnessed first hand that people CAN change. Labeling someone and walking away, that's just the reason why today's society has the crime and other problems it does, because no one takes the time to help people change and show them the right way to be and treat others. If anyone has anything negative to say to me about this, go for it, but do it respectfully and in private message and please don't make this girl feel any worse than she may already be feeling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): You are stupid for putting up with a partner who physically and psychologically abuses you. Get your head in gear and dust him off for someone who really loves you and shows it by being kind and considerate, not cruel and violent.
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A
male
reader, Timothy81 +, writes (28 July 2009):
What? Some girls are really stupid. He treats you like "nothing" and you are still with him? You have no respect for yourself. He doesn't either. Don't you think you deserve better? Start respecting yourself...
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A
female
reader, citris +, writes (28 July 2009):
I would say that you should go to counseling with him, if only to make sure that he follows through and actually goes. This is something that must be dealt with now, you are right to "nip it in the bud" as you said. Even if it doesn't work out with you and him in the end, hopefully he will never hit/punch another woman again.
I must say however that if you ever feel that you are at risk or you fear for your safety, then leave. If he hits you again, EVER then you call the cops and file a report. Make sure he knows this is serious business, and could very well end him up in jail. You already gave him one chance, so make sure he understands this is his SECOND one. He should get any more than that. End of story.
The only reason I say differently from the past two answers is because I have personal experience with a very angry and abusive man who has managed to change. My father. In the 18 years since he went to jail for beating up my mother, brother and myself he has managed to get his anger in control, redeem himself and our family is together to this day. I love my father and if my mother had not given him the chances she did, or the support he needed to change, I don't know what would have happened. People can change, but THEY have to WANT to change, we just have to support those changes.
Best of luck to you and stay safe!
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A
female
reader, HateMyLife  +, writes (27 July 2009):
i was in a relationship like that but he also beat me and raped me
i cant get over what heppened and it is distroying my new relationship
the choice is your but i suggest u walk away the next time he touches u
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A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Let me start by saying that in my personal opinion, any man that hits a woman for any reason is the lowest of the low. My gut reaction is to walk away.
But it does seem like he genuinely wants to deal with this and if you feel you can, maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt. It really depends on how strongly you feel.
With one very very important condition-if he hits you again, make sure he knows you'll go for good! And please do if he does.
There may well be underlying issues that cause him to behave in this way -some men (and women) experience domestic violence when young and grow up thinking it is acceptable or not entirely 'wrong'.
It is NOT up to you to help him through these issues-it's good he has agreed to professional help.
It's up to you to decide of course - it may be an idea to back off for a while to gather your thoughts-wait until he'a had counselling and is able to open up to you about why he's acting in this way. Going to the sessions with him may help you too.
As I say, my gut instinct is that you should walk-but if the love is strong, and he's willing and able to change,who knows? Maybe another aunt or uncle has had such an experience.
Just don't fall into the trap of trying to help him yourself -it won't work. And if he so much as raises a finger against you again, leave, then call the police.
There are real men out there too.
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (27 July 2009):
you are madly in love but he isn't, he has a serious problem and you have given him more than just a chance already and you told him what would happen if he hit you again.
Unfortunately you already know this mean streak is in him and it always will be. you have told him before and he still hit you! do you want to live the rest of your life a a beaten woman, it will get worse and do you really want to be there when he unleashes this anger on you? and only when you are lying in hospital with a broken jaw or walking down the street with two black eyes will you say to yourself "well he never hurt me this bad before maybe i should leave him"
i can sometimes understand someone who goes back after one punch as it could truly be a moment of blind rage but after the second time there is no more second chances.
have more respect for yourself and find someone who loves you and doesn't hit women. live the happy life you deser and not live in fear of possibly upsetting him enough that you might provoke him!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): no leave him he will only do it again you are clearly NOT madly in love if he hits you.
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A
female
reader, jam22 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Run, don't walk from this relationship!! It will only get worse. You deserve better...Take care of yourself....
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