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anonymous
writes:Hi all,Firstly, both of us are married, and I have been having an affair. I loved all the attention I was getting and about 1 month ago he broke off with me. It tore me apart intially, but now I am more stable. For the past two weeks, I have been phoning this guy off and on. He takes my calls, promises to call back, but never does. He also promises to see me, but keeps on making excuses. I seem to live for what he says and find it difficult to put him behind me. I know that I shud stop calling him, but its so difficult to resist the temptation. Please help me. Many thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): No changes for me. How are you doing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): I'm not sure either of us knows how to not express our feelings openly. If we can't be honest and truthful, we don't know how the other is feeling and we are left to guess. I don't feel that is healthy. If we need to be cautious, this needs to end for his sake and mine. It again comes down to we either are together completely or not at all. Neither one of us can have it both ways. It is selfish and unfair. I don't want him hiding things from me. I'd rather be crushed by the truth than appeased by a lie. We are adults and need to face reality. He either moves on with his wife and accepts his decision or he comes to me. Like you said, if it's meant to be he will find a way to make it happen.
Are you and your wife making progress? How are you doing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): He shouldn't of told you that, in my opinion, there should be open communication but words have got to be weighed before they leave ones mouth. My girlfriend or my friend knows I feel the same way but I try not to remind her either. You are both in a hard place right now, just know everything eventually will work out as it should. I've put my faith in a higher power concerning that, but at the same time I do my best not to aggravate things either. You can both talk as we do, but try to avoid emotional topics, i'm sure you and him must have more in common then just being in a relationship together. I'm not saying to do as we are doing, contact may not be the best route for you two, you and her are similar but your opinions on exes differ as I stated, and your boyfriend is just in his beginning stages of experiencing those feelings also. Guess what i'm really trying to say is, you both were friends before, can you if its meant to be, go back to just being friends again?
be strong...lots of hugs to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): Our situations are so very much alike. My bf is in quite a bit of pain right now, and I don't know what to do about it. You are right about the fact that there is no easy answer for him and he is just really stuck. He wants to raise his children, and feels that a divorce would ruin his kids. At the same time he loves me and and wants to spend his life with me. I now feel like I'm the one who is inflicting unnecessary pain on him, and I just want to make it right. I want to disappear so he does not feel so conflicted inside. He said, "this is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and it ripping me apart inside." I can't tell you how horrible I felt hearing those words.
I did not know you were the one who initiated the waiting period. I can tell you, depending how it was stated, that would hurt me deeply right now if he did that to me, unless it was a waiting period associated with going through a divorce. I just want all the pain and hurting to stop for all of us. I'm getting confused about what is the right thing to do at this point in time. I can't stand hurting him in this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): And that's what you should be telling him constantly when he does contact you, when it finally sinks in with him that its not healthy for you, is when you're really going to see changes. Im not going to put words in your mouth and only you know what's appropriate to tell him and when. My gf has said all the same things you've said over these posts, wishing she could move away, tired of going to events alone, resentment (only difference is she doesnt worry about what im doing with my wife, because she knows the situation we live in). Im just going to say that she has verbalized all that to me. And im grateful she has because Ive realized that we got to have that kind of communication with each other otherwise what would be the point, she might as well be the same as my wife if she didnt. My marriage failed because of lack of communication why would we want to repeat the same behavior with each other. I dont think I mentioned in my post that it was me who initiated this break up or waiting period. I didnt do it because I was tired of her or didnt love her anymore. I did it because it hurt me seeing her in such a position. So really if her feelings changed it was because in a way I prefer she no longer loves me like that than to suffer waiting on me. Even though it killed me on the inside to do, and even though I would like her to wait, I have given her the option of moving on. At least until I can resolve the issues in my house. Now again I say your bf has got to get to that point where I am also. Or else you two may just wind up repeating a cycle with eachother that isnt good. Again I just relate to you from my perspective in the role I have in my relationship. I'd tell him if I could, that we are all human and make mistakes with eachother, it's up to us to correct those mistakes without inflicting anymore uneccesary pain on the ones we love. Hugs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): Thank you for your comments, and I certainly understand that there is really no way that you could possibly know what he is thinking. Asking me if I would be willing to have his baby makes me think he is "feeling me out" to see if I would be open to having young children again. Yes, I think he is in turmoil, but he really needs to figure things out. I'm just tired and sad and, quite frankly, sick of the emotional rollercoaster. I'm tired of attending events alone, and not having a partner. I asked him if he would just rather his wife find out about us, so that he would not be the one to make the decision to leave, and he said yes. I plan to continue not contacting him, but responding if he contacts me. My hope is that enough distance will come between us and hopefully my feelings for him will become less strong. That likely won't happen, but it's all I have the strength for right now. Your gf is a strong woman having waited so long. I know that I cannot continue this, and will push myself to do something more final soon. My bf would be hurt to hear me say this, but I feel like I'm being strung along until he finds the strength to do what he needs to do. Problem is, he may never find the strength and he may be frozen by fear like you said about yourself. In the meantime, my life cannot stop. I'm not afraid to be alone, but prefer to have someone in my life.If you gf told you she is not seeing someone, I'm sure you would know whether or not that is true. I understand what you are saying about it being easier to "walk away" if that were to happen. I'm the same as you in that regard. If you don't want me, why would I want to be with you. That is what is so hard about my bf being married. Sometimes I just wish he had to worry and wonder what I was doing with another man like I have to worry and wonder about he and his wife. It's not a great feeling and sometimes makes me very, very resentful and bitter. I also sometimes wish "Mr. Right" would fall into my lap and sweep me off my feet so that this turmoil could just end for everyone. I don't know what is going to happen from one day to the next with my bf and it's getting old!!Love and hugs back to you!!! Keep me posted on your progress and I will do the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): From my point I had that conversation with my gf,and I still comment it to her even now like if we ever were to have a girl or boy, what would the baby look like, etc. If it's like what Ive gone through, I can say his mind is in turmoil. He's starting to think of the what ifs, and is weighing certain outcomes. But remember even though your bf and me are in the same position we're two different people, so theres a slight chance my analysis could be wrong. I dont know his exact situation in his home and im sure it differs from mine, I have a feeling his wife is not so passive as mine is. And I did mention before to you that once you two had that conversation of ending your relationship he would start acting differently. Don't be suprised if he pops in on you when you don't expect him to, like on weekends. Now with that being said I would say to you, not to expect him to up and leave just yet if that's what he's working towards with his marriage. I dont want you to feel or think that i'm telling you this to be a downer, im just saying what "he may" be thinking from my experience in his position. Only you would know how to react to his reactions and emotions he's experiencing right now. As for what you said, I definitely know my gf isn't seeing no one else, we've talked about that numerous times and I've always said that it would be much better to tell me then to do it and I have to find out on my own, if we were going to have any chance of remaining friends or on good terms as she thinks former couples should. I'm not so weak as far as that, it may hurt in the beginning but with time I would accept it and eventually view her as a friend with special meaning in my past. I think she's just waiting and being guarded with me like you said, she'll need to see those divorce papers first at her doorstep. She reminds me how we are not a couple anymore but her actions are as if we were still together in that way. Again I say you and my gf are very similar, and that we all feel we have found our other halves just perhaps at a not so good moment in our lives. Peace and love to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): O.K., he really threw me for a loop today. I told you he has two young children. Mine are 17 and 19. He asked me today, if I was still able, would I have a baby with him. Why would he ask me that? I'm really interested in getting your perspective on this question. I did reply by telling him that I certainly could see myself having children with him and that I definitely love him enough to have his baby. Your thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): Yes you are both making a whole lot of progress. before you felt like if you didn't have the right to know what was going on with him in his marriage, or emotionally, I got the sense that you two really even didn't talk about your feelings too much either. Hopefully thats changed between you two, hasn't it. I maintain you have a right know and he has an obligation to tell you as much as he can without trying to sway or manipulate your feelings one way or the other. My advice to him would be to self analyze himself clearly and ask why do I stay, why does my gf even still talk to me. He may have lost confidence and trust in himself as a man to accept that things are going to happen the way they are meant to. If he's meant to be with you he will find a way to make it happen and if its not meant to be, then he shouldn't be disappointed with himself or life in general. I have been doing a lot of self analysis, going back to my first marriage, and I have come to the conclusion that I have to change the way I think and view myself. It's really helping with my self esteem specially in this case. My gf or ex gf has noticed that change and although things remain the same between us, likes what she sees and hears. I only suggest maybe that is what he should do, it actually may make things easier for both of you. I'll elaborate a little more later on what I mean. For the record you and her are very similar in the way you two think and feel about us guys. The only difference is that you and her have different beliefs on dealing with exes. Hope your day is going well and I really pray for you and your bf's happiness along with ours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): My x-husband and I have a good relationship. He would like to see us get back together, but I have made it very clear that I care about him, but there is nothing more to it on my end. With that being said, he confides in me and still trusts me more than anyone else. Although I am complimented by that, it is not healthy in the regard that I feel that he will never make that complete break, or have that complete closure that he needs to obtain. It has been 6 years, and he needs to face reality. Regarding my x-fiance, I do not ever initiate contact. He will text or call me on occasion, but I mostly just want him to move forward with his life without me in it. I think it is critical to his healing process. With all of this being said, I broke off both of these relationships, so although I am not opposed to being contacted by either of them, I don't feel a need to be in contact, and don't necessarily feel it is healthy for them. My x-husband and I share children, so that contact with continue forever. If your gf's feelings for you have in fact changed, perhaps she is just feeling that you need her support right now, and she doesn't want to just disappear from your life. Only way to know is to force her to take a look at it, and let you know why she needs that contact. Perhaps she just can't completely let go yet either, but does recognize some changes in how she is feeling. Forgive me for saying this, but perhaps she has met someone new, and just has not told you yet. Third option is that she is not going to put herself out there again until she knows for sure you are leaving, and a copy of those divorce papers are on her doorstep. If my bf told me today that he was going to leave his marriage, I would remain in his life from a distance. I would allow him to take care of business, but certainly be available if he needed me for support. To directly answer your question, if your gf sees no future, yes, I think there should be no contact at all. I'm sorry, but you will heal much faster if this happens. :(My question regarding looking back and what you would change if you could has more to do with how you would now handle the situation knowing what you know now. Would you have filed for divorce and started a life with your gf rather than staying in your marriage? Yes, I know what you are saying about sometimes wishing you just would not have met at all and I think that is natural, so don't feel bad about feeling that way. It certainly would now save alot of confusion and heartbreak, but apparently both you and I needed to be taught something or had to be tested in some way. So, the real question is, if you could turn back the hands of time, would you have called it quits with your wife and started a life with your gf? When you say, "there's progress being made already," what does that mean? Do you feel that he is potentially still comtemplating making a change? I did ask him if he sometimes wished his wife would just find out about me so he wouldn't have to make the decision himself. He admitted that he does. Part of the trouble my bf and I are facing is we feel that the other is "the one!" The person we were always meant to be with. The "other half of each other" if you will. He touches me emotionally like no other man has, and he has said the same about me. So, in answer to your question, no, I don't want to break off all contact, but I feel that I may have to for self preservation, and to help him with his own pain. And, yes, although he said he fell in love with me right away, we maintained a friendship for a couple of years before I started to have feelings for him. This is something that has grown over time. With that being said, I do feel that if I make myself completely unavailable to him in every way, his feelings will eventually become weaker, and he will feel better. Time and space have a way of doing this. Problem is, I don't know how to give him up completely. I sometimes wish I could just pick up and move far away and write off this chapter of my life, but that is just not realistic. As I said before, I do feel that my position may be the easier position in that I am not in a marriage, and have the freedom to more easily make decisions. I also do not want to hurt him. I know of his relationship with his wife, and although it sometimes consumes me with jealousy, I don't have to face the reality that he will meet someone, fall in love, and move on. That is what eventually will happen for him. I get propositioned regularly, and he is well aware of that. He will have to endure losing me all over again, but this time because of another man.If your wife is not willing to put forth the effort to bring your marriage back to what it should be, you really do need to move on. You deserve love in your life; everyone does. If she can't "step up to the plate" and make that happen, then she is also staying in the marriage for the wrong reasons. If you can reach an agreement that is acceptable to you both in the marriage, that is up to you both to determine. She has to do some work too. It can't be all you. If she can't or won't, it's on her, and she needs to accept responsibility for that. For me, I want it all. Love, affection, intimacy, laughter, and mutual respect. I will not settle for anything less. My children, 17 and 19, will be leaving me soon to pursue college and their own lives. I have taught them independence, respect and kindness. They are great kids, and I am so very proud of them. At 41 years old, I still have alot of living to do, and I want to be happy, and I want to make someone else equally as happy as I have alot to offer in a relationship. I'm really curious how many others are reading the communication between you and I, and if they are finding it helpful. Again, we are both just two human beings that have made some mistakes, and are trying to find our way back to wholeness!! Love and hugs back to you. I think about you constantly!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Im not surprised he's contacted you already. Its going to be as hard for him as it is for you, but thats something you already know. You must remember you both have a routine with eachother also, even if you dont live with eachother theres things you both are used to already. Texts, calls and doing things with eachother besides making love. I still maintain that for you both it will be easier to break that routine if thats really what is meant to happen because you two dont have the amount of time invested that me and mine had. Im not saying you both dont love eachother as much as we do or did on her part. Love is the same whether it last one day or one hundred years.
As far as what I would of done differently. I cant really answer that because I know my gf now and cant picture my life without ever of meeting her. This may sound a little mean but sometimes I wish I would of just stayed home as I was accustomed to instead of going to my friends house after all those years of not seeing him and his family. But I guess thats just what fate intended to happen.
As far as bouncing back and forth, I have always maintained the same reason as always for not leaving my marriage, she was always well informed on that, so I never tried to mislead her. I always stated that one day if I could, I will and hopefully she would still be there for me. I hear what you say about not leaving for my gf, but she is a big factor emotionally. Ideally I just want to leave a stable house behind for my son and be with my gf. Thats the difficult part Im having as to all this. Again looking back theres so many variables, what if we didnt have a son, what if me and my wife didnt let our marriage become what it is a friendship only, what if we would have fought and argued just a little like any other couple does. But there all what ifs now I got to handle the "what is"
Do you want to break off all contact with your bf, remove hime totally from your life? Im curious because it seems like you two knew eachother for a while before all this started. My gf still maintains contact with her 2 exes to this day, yes shes only had 2 bfs prior to me. What would you tell her to do as far as me, cut off totally, for a time?
Anyway Im still glad to hear that you two have at least started openly talking about your feelings. it may seem like your in the same position but trust me you are not. Theres progress being made already, its just on you two now to decide what happens. Love and hugs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): Wow, that's a tough one, and I'm really sorry to hear that your situation continues to get more complicated. Regarding your girlfriend, the only thing I can think of is you have been her companion now for 6 years, and she can't make a complete break yet. She is likely resentful and still has doubts whether or not you will actually leave. I still maintain that decisions regarding leaving a relationship should always be made on their own merit. What I mean is if you choose to leave your marriage, it should be because there is nothing in the marriage that is fulfilling in any way to you. You should not leave to go to someone else. I'm frustrated that this is happening to you, and am somewhat confused. Her reasons for being intimate with you almost now seem like a test of what her feelings are for you. Perhaps she was feeling the change in her feelings, and wanted to confirm it. I can't explain it. As hard as it would be leave your marriage, your decision to leave or stay should not be based on your gf. With that being said, I understand how hard it is to separate. My bf contacted me already today. I'm not sure if it is going to be a continuation of what has already been going on between us, or if he is just feeling frozen and adjusting to the fact that we have agreed to end our relationship. Did you bounce back and forth with your gf regarding your decision to stay or leave your marriage, or did you consistently tell her you were not leaving? Even though my bf communicated that he feels that I deserve more, and understands that I need to move on, I really don't think he can deal with the fact that that means I will eventually move on with someone else. I feel terrible when he tells me that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone before me. He is definitely in the same position you described of yourself. In hindsight, what would you change? If you had it to do over, what would your advice be to my bf? I'm so sorry for the confusion and pain you are feeling. Sometimes I feel like it is our Karma, and we are paying for what we have done or are doing. Although you speak somewhat positively about my situation, I don't really know that anything has changed. I don't know that we will be strong enough to follow through. If he follows through, I know I will be able to. I feel my situation is a little easier in that I'm not married, and I have the potential for happiness again. However, my bf is stuck in his marriage and is without me too. I think I would now choose my situation over his unless he can somehow reconnect with his wife. I will continue to pray for peace for you and for myself. We are good people that just need a little break. XXOO
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): Thats really great to hear, Im glad I could be of help to you. I knew eventually he would have to say something. I appreciate his position and know it well, but you did deserve to know. If its really his decision to let you move on I hope he follows through and isnt as weak as I was. Maybe you two will become just friends, maybe in time you will just lose contact. But whatever the outcome you two will probably never forget each other. For my part everythings gotten even stranger. My girlfriend confirmed her feelings to me recently. Even if I left my marriage tomorrow she doesnt want to resume a relationship with me, due to our history already. I can only assume she would like a fresh start with someone new but isnt looking just yet. Funny thing is shes adamant that she doesnt want to lose contact with me either. Her exact words were that she wants me in her life somehow but not as her man, at least not in the near future. She deeply cares for me but for now as a friend only. You were a little off with the emotion part of the intimate contact. She told me she realized it after we made love that she didnt feel the way a woman should feel for a man. I guess I earned that lost love for making her wait so long. Also we remain in contact the same, maybe even more so now. Its crazy we're supposedly broken up but continue contact daily. We are even still planning to do hobbies with eachother such as exercise and learn to ride motorcycles. What do you think of that, your view point really would help me understand that one.Even crazier is I had a sit down with my wife and talked about how bad our marriage is and our sons special circumstances. She told me she wants to work it out, through counseling or on our own. I havent admitted to having an affair so as not to destroy her emotionally. And if she knows or suspects she wont admit it either. Even after what she said about working it out she makes no attempt to turn our friendship back into a real marriage. So I guess Im back to square one again in that. By her words I know for now divorce is out of the question in her mind. And I dont have that kind of strenght or resentment to just abandon the home yet. I wish we could reach a agreement. Leaving behind a stable household and an emotionally intact mother for my son is very important. So it boils down to this with me now, girlfriend doesnt want to be girlfriend even if I leave but wants to me to remain in her life somehow, wife doesnt want me to leave and insists on counseling first, and im still stuck in an emotional rut. Life is funny...lol. Aside from that the news that youre getting somewhere makes me feel a little better about all this. Thanks for the hug and remember what you said, one day at a time, thats the best way to go about it. Hugs and love to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): Forgive me but for some reason my responses before have not posted. I'm happy to hear that. Hasn't been as good for me. Girlfriend and me are still weird, she told me she doesn't love me like she did and that at this point even if I left my wife she wouldn't be the same with me anyway. The day we were intimate sealed it for her... said she didn't feel emotionally like a woman should feel with a man. She wants me in her life but is unsure in what way. We still in contact as usual though. As for my wife I had that talk with her and she doesn't want a divorce, prefers counseling first. Life is funny girlfriend says she doesn't want me like that no more, wife refuses divorce and wants counseling and me in the same stuck situation...lol. But at least I know you've found a bit of peace. Hugs to you also and luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): Update! You were dead on about my boyfriend, and the reasons he chooses to stay in his marriage. He, too, feels that he does not have the strength to leave. I needed answers and I got them and I appreciate you making me realize I deserved them. He unselfishly told me that he understands that I need to move on and feels that I deserve more and that he would try and help me do that. It does not change our situation or make it any easier, but I now have a true understanding of what he is going through. He also said that he feels that he is making the biggest mistake of his life, but that that is on him. It was a very emotional night, and I plan to take things one day at a time. I hope things are as good as can be expected for you. I'm sending another hug!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): I hear what you are saying regarding your gf's feelings and attitude. I, too, feel some resentment building. My boyfriend, a married man, actively pursued me for over two years until I finally fell for him. Then, after all is said and done with my now X-fiance, he decides to stay in the marriage for his kids. Really!!! Are you kidding me?! In addition, like I said, the contact between my bf and I is not like that of your gf and you. However, he may be doing some of that to try to help me. Like I said, I sometimes do doubt the depth of his love for me because of his lack of contact, but after all he has said, in emails, in person and through text messages, I mostly believe he is "head over heals" and is completely frustrated. With that being said, I do not want to hurt him, and I do not want to back him into a corner, but this cannot continue. You are right, he cannot have his cake and eat it too. It is not fair to me and it is not fair to his wife. I'm working on putting into words my exact feelings. I want to completely lay this out so that he truly understands what this is doing to me. He drives himself crazy thinking about me with another man, but I do not want to spend my life alone. Thank you so very much for helping me through this. You have given me valuable information, and I will proceed gently. Even though sometimes I feel like I want to hurt him like he has hurt me, when it comes down to it, I just want him to be happy whether that is with me or without me. If is without me, he has to let me go once and for all!!Regarding your situation, I can relate more than you truly realize. Not only because I was in a loveless marriage, but because I work with special education kids. I know the challenges that come with these children and I can really, at a certain level, know what you are feeling. However, I will always, and still do maintain, that being in an unhappy marriage is no way for anyone to live, and would encourage you to move on. Your life WILL change so much for the better, but in the end, you need to do what you are comfortable with. I'm a little surprised, based on the position your gf has taken, that she allowed intimacy back into the relationship. Here is some valuable information for you that your gf will not appreciate me giving you. For her to allow herself to "go there" again with you speaks volumes. Intimacy for women is not the same as it is for men. Women, at least most women, need to feel a deep connection and love for their man to make love to them. She is still deeply in love with you. It is the piece of a relationship that she doesn't have with any other man, but she shared that with you. I can guarantee you, it had a great impact on her recovery whether she admits it or not. She set herself back by allowing you to get that close to her again. Trust me on that one! She is still in deep!!! I think about making love to my bf all the time, and it is so hard to be strong. I want to be with him in the worst way. Sometimes I can barely stand it, but I need to be strong. At this time, he does not know that I will refuse intimacy with him. I'm not sure how he will feel or how he will react. I'm not yet sure what I'm going to tell him. Lots of love and prayers coming your way. You have been a very valuable asset to me and I thank you more than words can describe!! I wish you love, peace and happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): From my point of view it sounds like you're going to have to harden yourself a little against him then. It may hurt at first but you will probably get some kind of reaction out of him in that way. My gf has gotten to that point with me, though deep down I know she loves me and like you said she may be waiting just a bit longer. But she definitely is not the same with me anymore despite our constant daily contact. I think she's closely monitoring what I do now as far as my marriage issue goes with my son. She doesn't ask me to stop contacting her like you have with him, but she makes it a point to say we're not a couple anymore also. We were intimate recently after a while of no physical contact and even that as she said, changes nothing. She's letting me know in her way after all these years of waiting, that I better move and find the strength to make a choice. Whether it be with her or my marriage and that she'll be good with it either way. But she's not going to wait anymore in that position. I even get the feeling sometimes that even if I left my marriage it may already be too late, and that kind of love she had for me will never return. But one thing I can say is that it has lit a fire under me to do something. As far as the hard part being over, I think its just begun for me. Like I said, I don't know your boyfriend, (personally I hate the terms MM, mistress but that's just me), but if he is playing your emotions just to keep you in the game or wants it both ways as you suggested. He would really hate me for giving you that little insight into how my gf has gotten me to move. There can be no having cake and eating it too. If he loves you the way I love mine then i will guarantee you will see or detect some changes...i.e. maybe he will start contacting you on weekends, I'm in his position, but I don't even like that, he shouldn't just leave you hanging under any circumstances in that way. Believe me you're a stronger person then what you think and you do have a lot of influence over this and how he acts with you. If my gf could make me, a grown man frozen by fear, move like i'm doing now, you can make him move too. Either way you should be ready and good with the outcome. Much love and luck to you in finding the happiness you seek.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Sounds like the hardest part might already be done. Based on what you have said, it seems that your wife may already be aware that things are not good. She must also know it is just a matter of time before you leave the marriage. She might have already started to prepare herself for what might happen. You've made progress and I have every confidence that you will do what needs to be done. Whether or not you end up with your gf does not matter as much as you should not be unhappy in your life with you wife. That to me is equally as sad as not being with the one you love. You sound like a good man with a good head on your shoulders. You just need a little inner strength. I believe you are tapping into that inner strength. You will know it when the time comes to make your move. Hopefully, it will not be too late for you and your gf. It bothers me that you compare leaving your marriage to cutting off one of your arms. If this is how my MM feels, I fear that he will just choose to let me go. It may be easier, and the lesser of two evils that you feel he is facing. This makes me very sad as I feel that he will be making a big mistake and will have many reqrets, but that is certainly only my opinion. I feel that he wants it both ways, but I cannot do that for him. It is not fair and I deserve so much more. It is easy for me to sit here and say these things, because I am not in his shoes or yours. I feel that for me this is a lose/lose situation. If I carry on the way things are with my MM, I'll be alone. If I leave my MM I will still be alone. The difference is I have the potential of being happy without him, but I'm afraid he will never let me free myself from him. If he does not honor my wishes to leave me alone, I will not heal. My experience is that I will be doing well after a couple of weeks, he then chooses to contact me, and I'm back to square one. I fear you are right, and he will not sto9p pursuing me because I don't feel that he has the strength to let go. God help me. Things sometimes feel hopeless!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): Sometimes its good to laugh a bit just to keep from going crazy. And yes I agree counseling is very helpful, which is why I'm doing it now. I am being guided to the conclusion that she, my wife, probably does know and may have also given up on our marriage. She may be trying to keep the marriage going also for our son. I think she's afraid of being stuck trying to take control of our son, he's not totally autistic as other children are. But for him to have a functional life he's going to need a lot of attention, supervision, training, and a strong willed person that can teach him. I'm not bad mouthing my wife, she's a good mother that loves her son, and she's an all around good person, but she lacks that put your foot down you're going to do this mentality. That is the barrier for us right there. Do I wish that she found out about my girlfriend and said to me that's it, you can go I'll handle the day to day of our son. Like I said before I don't care about the financial hit i'd take leaving, i'd even still pay my half of the mortgage so they can live comfortably in the house. So yes it probably would be a relief, specially the handle our son part, but I don't think that's going to happen. As was pointed out to me, she probably already knows. I don't know where i'm going to get the strength to make that hard move that you stated to me, but at least i'm moving in the right direction as to making that choice. Remember you, your man, his wife and his children also deserve to live better lives. Trust me I know, and understand the predicament you all have. Emotions are unpredictable and defy logic. People can read what we've posted and be like their both out of their dam minds, but like you said until you live it you won't understand.
Also two things I do differ with you is, I believe you have an absolute right to know the real status of his marriage. Sounds like you have too many doubts and questions still. He doesn't have to tell you every little detail of everything, but enough so that you are aware. I gave my girlfriend more than enough info on my marriage without bad mouthing my wife either. I always believed even though i'm not happy with my marriage that bad mouthing my wife to my girlfriend is wrong also. You wish you can have a heart to heart talk with him, all I can say is that you should, but only you know when the right time for that will be. As stupid as this sounds, he may think, convinced or tricked himself into thinking everything is fine between you and him because you love each other. I was blind like that for a long time until my girlfriend opened my eyes up to how she really felt. Even when she appeared good with me on the inside she was really angry and sad because of our status. I'm not taking any of your sides, again just relaying to you our experiences.
I think eventually we will all get through what we have happening in our lives. And we will be stronger and wiser people. God bless and lots of luck to you and him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): I had to laugh a little at what you said. "Don't let it get to the point where me and my girlfriend are at." I chuckle only because before I became a part of this affair, I would have looked at our situations and said, "What kind of idiot would put themselves through this?" "What don't you get about this situation!" "Run as fast as you can, and as far as you can." You are right. It is nothing short of torture, and you just can't understand what it is like until you go through it.
I am certainly not saying that leaving your wife would be easy, but I can tell you this. First, if I knew my husband did not love me, I would not want him to stay with me. Second, can you honestly say going through a divorce would be worse than what you are going through now? You deserve happiness. Your wife deserves happiness. Your girlfriend aside, you are doing both yourself and your wife a huge injustice. You both deserve so much more. You have one life to live, and there are no re-dos. Neither of you are happy, but you both have the opportunity for happiness by moving forward. It took alot of counseling for me to gain the strength to leave my husband, and it was a long, hard journey, but we all got through it.
I have great difficulty talking to my MM about his relationship with his wife. Ironically, I don't feel that I have the right. I feel that if he wanted to share his situation with me, he would. He doesn't. I do know he does entertain the idea of leaving her, because he does bring it up on occasion, but I'm not sure if he does it to keep me in the game or if he is being honest. I have no way of knowing this. When we make love, it is fabulous and he holds absolutely nothing back. He is verbally expressive and it is obvious that he loves me very much. I don't think you can fake how genuine and loving he is with both his actions and his words.
You and your girlfriend are in contact alot. Sometimes I worry that our lack of contact means he is not as "head over heals" as you may think, but he certainly has me on quite a pedestal when he speaks of me. He idolizes me through his words and tells me that he would not be able to stand it if I was not in his life. These are the things that keep me stuck. I don't want to hurt him. It would kill me to hurt him in any way, but at the same time, I don't want to force his hand because that would hurt him too. So, do I let him have us both? If so, for how long? These are rhetorical questions. I am smart enough to know that this is not enough for me. I'm also jealous of the time his wife gets, which is ridiculous because I am the one that has no right to him.
Please know that you cannot be responsible for your wife's happiness, just as she cannot be responsible for yours. We have to find happiness within ourselves. Then and only then are we able to find true happiness. It is about being strong enough to do the right thing. I am not asking you to abandon your son. My kids are my world and I would do anything for them, but we can only control ourselves. Right now, three people are suffering. There is greater potential for happiness for all three of you if you follow your heart, and do what truly makes you happy. If you are in love with your gf, which it's obvious you are, be with her. Make a life with her. Love is so important. But, if you choose to stay, find the strength to let her go.
Regarding my situation, I would love to have heart to heart with my MM. I would like to tell him how bad I'm hurting, but I know he is hurting too. The answer seems so simple, but the journey, so hard. How can love and life be so cruel. What is the test? What are we being taught by this? I too, continue to search for answers. Like you, he can't let go. Do I free us both by walking away. The other thing I fear is that he is becoming careless. It's almost as if he is looking to get caught. Does he want her to find out so he doesn't have to make the decision? It sounds like that might be the case for you. Would you feel relieved if your wife came to you and said, I'm done with this?
We will get through this. I will continue to keep you posted on my progress. My strength regarding breaking it off comes and goes. Some days I'm fed up, and others I miss him terribly.
Thank YOU for your kinds words!! I'll be thinking about you!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): Thanks I seriously appreciate your honesty also. I can't speak for your man, but I have come to the realization that the problem is me. Not my wife or my girlfriend. Girlfriend is reacting like any rational person would, and I tell you she feels pretty awful. As for my wife I'm beginning to think that she really doesn't want to know, by her actions and responses when I even try to even hint that our marriage has really been in trouble for a long time. I hear you when you say it doesn't matter what the reason is, just let her go. Thing is just like your man, its easier said then done. I think our situations are slightly different but the same. Amount of contact me and her have is ridiculous for this type of relationship. Try 3 to 4 thousand texts a month besides calls and you get the idea. And until recently 2 to 3 times a week every week. Sounds like you two don't have the amount of time we have invested in our relationship. According to what I read, you two are just in the beginning stages of what we have gone through. I'm going to say this from the bottom of my heart, if that's the case, don't let it get to the point where me and my girlfriend are at. Seriously I know love is a big factor with you and him, i'm living it too. Remember 6 years for me and her, that's 6 christmas's , new years, birthdays etc. Where I have not been able to dedicate my full time and attention to her like a normal couple could. I'm not going to take sides or judge how you both feel about each other, but its going to be rocky for you both, if it keeps going the way it is. Not telling you to forget about or leave him. Just try to avoid the drama of a lot of years. Only you can make him act and go one way or the other without influencing him too much. For my part aside from that i'm trying to actively engage my wife in conversation about us and how its not working out I've also started speaking to a professional counselor. I know everyone's hurting so I have to do something about it, me. Only problem is what, and how..love blurs everything there's no black and white answer. I don't know your man, but i'm going to give you this sure analysis of his mindset. He's being faced with a horrible choice in his eyes, its not so much selfishness of wanting two woman, but more my kids or whatever is going on in his house versus the woman I love. You said you left your marriage and your kids were fine. Granted that may be true, but you probably handled it better than he would. In that respect your stronger than him and me put together. In no way am I justifying or excusing your man or myself, its that for my part in my mind its like someone asking me which hand do I wish to cut off. I'm literally frozen with fear and regret. Hence why I'm trying to seek help so I can do what needs to be done for everyone's sake. Maybe you should suggest a similar approach to him, hell his wife doesn't have to know anyway. He should talk to someone who specializes in problems of that nature. I thought no one was in the same shoes as me and my girlfriend but there you appear on a random forum. So i'm sure counselors or therapists have dealt with thousands of people like us. You won't be asking or pressuring him to leave his wife, you would just be suggesting he talks to someone else other than you about this. My girlfriend insisted for a while I talk to someone to resolve my feelings of why I can't make a clear decision, and she made it very clear if I wasn't going to try and get help, that there would be no hope for us ever. Again thank you for your kind and non judgemental words, and even though I too don't like hearing some of what you have to say, your words are not falling on deaf ears. Love and hugs to you too, and I pray you don't have to go through this as long as we have. Your a good woman and you would make a fine wife for any man, be it him or someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): Yes, that is exactly how I'm feeling. I feel like he has his family and me, and what do I really have? An occasional day when I get to see him, receive a text message or an email. I feel empty most of the time, but I feel this strong, strong connection to him, and I love him very much. He calls, texts and emails mostly during the week. Once in a while he will send a message on the weekend when he is really missing me, but he has very young children (both under 6). So, it is not like he contacts me constantly and it is rare to hear from him on the weekend. I can't contact him at all because his wife has access to his phone and she is very controlling. People view her to be a bully, and my MM tells me that she would make his life miserable if he left. This sounds very different from your relationship in that I think the two of you have more contact with each other. Sometimes this makes me feel as if he might be using me, but he is so expressive with his words when he talks with me. Alot of times he looks so frustrated by our situation that he gets tears in his eyes. I can see the conflict in his eyes when I am with him, and he tells me that he becomes more and more confused each time we are together. He holds me, kisses me and hugs me so passionately that I feel like he may never let me go. I originally feared it was more of an infatuation type thing because he is very attracted to me, but I no longer feel that way because of how expressive and respectful he is; he has proven himself. He is a gentleman, and follows my lead. He has told me that he does not have sex with his wife much, and that when he does, he is only having sex, but he makes love to me. I respect that he is honest about that, but it still bothers me and sometimes feels like a line. He has only admitted to sleeping with her one time, but I don't ask because I really don't want to know. He can say what he wants to say because I would know no different. As far as a routine, like I said, we only have contact during the work day, so no routines are obvious outside of the work day. Would I run to his side if he left his wife? I can tell you that I can see myself spending my life with him. How quickly we would move has not been discussed. I stay away from those conversations because I don't want to push him to leave. I want him to come to me on his own terms.Regarding your situation, I will again say this. We don't care what your reasons are for not leaving, the bottom line is you did not choose us. Staying in a relationship for the sake of children makes no sense to me. I left my husband, and have two children, and never have I regretted leaving. With that being said, I do not have children with special needs. I do not feel like I ruined my children, but rather taught them that they have choices in life. They are very successful, well rounded kids (now 17 and 19), and we talk openly about my decision to leave the marriage. They understand and love both their parents very much. My "x" is still in love with me after being apart 6 years, but that is on him. He was not a good husband, and I didn't love him. Actually, in all honesty, I know I never loved him like a wife should love a husband and he deserved more too. If you are planning to never leave your marriage, I would beg you to let her go. Let her be happy and let her have a life that does not include you. I guarantee that she is in alot of pain, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel for her. She probably holds out hope that you will eventually leave, as I am, and that is what keeps her in the game. Free her and she will eventually get over you as that is what time does. She is very young and deserves happiness and love from someone who can offer himself to her completely. You say you have tried this before, but she knows that you love her and that is what keeps her stuck. Sometimes I wish my MM was actually using me or I found out he didn't really have genuine feelings for me. Why? Because I don't want to be with someone that does not want to be with me, and I would have no trouble walking away under those circumstances. When I try to break it off, and he contacts me after we have agreed to have no contact, I don't have the strength to say no right now. I feel that if he would honor my wishes and leave me alone, I would find love again. I believe that is what he is afraid of, but how selfish does one truly have to be to possess two women? Again, this is not judgement, just how I'm feeling. This is what I know. He already has a woman in his life and a family. I only get bits and pieces of his time. I am an attractive, intelligent, financially secure, athletic, single 41 year old woman with a lot of life left. I am waiting for a day that may never come. My answers are all right here, my friend!! What the h_ll don't I understand about this? Like you said, it's four little letters that completely complicate things and make my life suck right now. L O V E!! I pray for us both, and am sending you a hug as I know you likely need it as bad as I do. Think about what I said. I'll be right here!! Sorry about the book!! Thank you once again for your input. It does help me alot!! Not always what I want to hear, but I appreciate your honesty!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): Wow, I mean all I can say is that it didn't really work for us, the no contact option, we lasted 3 months, and i'm gonna tell you I near went insane. Somehow we found a reason to contact each other again. Well she initiated the contact again. It may work for you two, you see we're in similar relationships just at opposite ends. And without even knowing you personally I know you care deeply for him, from my part I know if my girlfriend just cut off contact with me i'd be really hurt as she would be also. My girlfriend's exact words to me, "I still worry and care for you and want to see you happy with or without me, but I also need to be happy to". Is that similar to what you feel? If he was to up and leave his wife tomorrow would you fly to his side? You're absolutely right in that its us, the guys throwing a monkey wrench into everything. But I don't think he's just gonna stop pursuing you, all I can say is what my girl says to me, "I'm not falling back into that type of situation with you again". I know she's right in saying that, but things get complicated when love is involved so don't feel like a fool. As far as him sleeping with his wife, you can kind of figure out if he does or doesn't, you probably know his routines very well, ex. Does he call or text you at all hours specially during the night when they should be together in bed, does he exhibit certain signs that he's not getting sex at home. I mean in the big picture it doesn't change much about what you're going through but it may help ease that feeling you have. Anyway problem is I can give you great insight and advice as to what he may be thinking and feeling but when it comes to me following my same advice that's where it gets complicated. I can only assume despite everything he's in love with you and that's what complicates everything. Think about it if he really wasn't wouldn't he just jump at the easy out your giving him? Should you wait for him, cut off contact, be friends, I can't answer that its up to you. Because if I could my girlfriend and I would not be where we are at also. Whatever you try good luck. Ill be checking this forum periodically if you want to write, vent or just try to understand what he's thinking. Be well, whatever you decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): To be completely honest, I mostly feel like a "fool in love." Most days I don't know why I do this to myself. I answer his calls because I can't bring myself to not do it. I answer his texts for the same reason. I in deep emotionally, and love him more than I want to. I mostly pray that he will just tell me he can't do this anymore and ask me to move on. I'm a realist, and I believe that if he was going to leave his marriage, he would have done it, but I kid myself into thinking that when "push comes to shove," he won't be able to let me go. He says he will be devastated if he ever lost me, but he is the only thing standing in between "us." For me, it would be easier to move on if I knew he was happy in his marriage and loved his wife. It would hurt to know this, but it would make me angry knowing that I was not the only one he loves. In addition, I don't know that he is not sleeping with his wife. The thought of that truly makes my skin crawl and says something not so nice about him. I have asked him to stop pursuing me, so that it would be easier for me to move on. I don't even entertain the idea of dating other men because of my deep, deep feelings for him.So, are you saying that you don't feel that it is his children alone standing between us being together? He has only told me that he feels he would be destroying his kids by leaving the marriage, but in the next breath he talks like he and I have a future together. So many mixed messages. Yes, I am clear on what I need to do, however, I have not been able to do it. Do you think cutting off all contact will force him to make a decision?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): Yep, same person. Am I afraid if she ever found out, maybe, perhaps, I don't know. Sounds strange right? And yes my son is "the" reason I don't just call it quits in the marriage. Me and my girlfriend are exactly in the same spot as you two. From his point of view according to what you tell me, there's something very deep and troubling in his life that's preventing him from leaving. He's probably just not telling you what it is. I have come clean with my girlfriend and told her why I cant leave and she accepted it. And after all that pain and torment on both our parts we still continue to talk, text and occasionally do things together (no sex). I'm going to tell you that he's emotionally attached to you as I am to mine. As for the taking her to bed question/ comment, in my case its me, her, our son and small dog in the same bed. So on that part there's no double dipping where sex is concerned. Listen i'm sure you love him too and I'm sure he knows that you have to do what you have to do, it just hurts him to accept it. Its the same with me. He is going to have to look into himself and try to figure out what to do concerning that situation. From the logical side of me, I respect your decision and I'd tell you the same thing to just keep on moving, problem is I can relate way to much to both of you. Tell you the truth i'm probably answering my own situation through this forum, unfortunately your going to probably have to be the one to follow through on splitting up. From your perspective, why do you stay in contact or answer his calls, you planning on just staying friends if you can, I'm just trying to get a understanding of what mine is thinking also. Me and her are 2 very confused individuals right now. You seem to be more consistent about your decision. Wish I could be like that also. Luck and hope in dealing with that problem
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): It is with great regret that anyone has to go through this, but non-the-less, here we are. What I know for certain after having read your response is that I will try hard to not let this continue, as I truly am miserable and have so much more to offer a partner; 6 years is a very long time! Although my MM has been in love with me for years, I didn't start to have feelings for him until my relationship with my fiance started to fall apart 9 months ago. Unfortunately, I fell fast and hard and I will miss him terribly. I'm not even confident I can go through with it as we have tried to split so many times unsuccessfully.Don't you fear that your wife will find out? What are your feelings about what she would feel or how she would react if she does find out? I'm just trying to understand how it is possible to see your wife day in and day out, yet know you were being unfaithful. What keeps you stuck? These are just questions with no judgement attached. I want to know how my MM can look into his wife's eyes, and do this to her. I think about whether or not he could then eventually do it to me. I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I have never done this before, and will never do it again. Life is short. Aren't you concerned that you will let go of the most important thing you had meaning this woman you are in love with? I wonder every day how he can say all of these wonderful things to me, yet he is the only thing standing in the way of us being together. I truly just want to walk a day in his shoes, and know what his conflicts are and know how he is feeling. I just heard from him again today and he said, "I miss and love you so much." "You really have no idea how deep my feelings for you truly are!" It's difficult to hear this and know he is going home to his wife, and even worse, likely to bed with her. What are your reasons for staying? Are you the same man that posted that has the autistic son?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): You're welcome, i'm not exactly sure if I would characterize it as "words of wisdom", you also give me that unique insight into what my girlfriend feels. Your situation is a mirror image of mine, we're just on opposite sides of the spectrum. From the way you describe everything, its exactly the same maybe with a few twists here and there. Big twist being that her that was in the same situation, actually had a kid with his girlfriend but stood with his wife in the end. So don't feel to bad about yourself falling for a MM, my girlfriends exact words to me were she could never have imagined herself doing this, she used to hate her fathers girlfriend over what happened but now she understands her more than ever. So you're absolutely correct when you said sometimes things are just meant to happen. Even the part where you tell him you want to break it off, he calls after a few days, and your right back at square one, the feeling as if your meant to be with each other is same. Been there done that, me and my girlfriend actually went three months with absolutely no contact. Didn't work. We we're both miserable, I guess it's those pesky little things called love and karma. Trust me you're not the only one afraid of the what ifs, I guarantee you he is too, because if he wasn't he'd grab on to your lead of not calling and would run with it and never look back. I have a feeling he's as emotionally tied to you as you are to him, like my exact situation. Don't know how long you too have been together. We have 6 years and people do become attached to each other emotionally. What seems to be working for us right now, is that we just text everyday, as usual, we just don't talk on the phone or physically see each other. I'm not saying that would work for you, but it's like what you said, we're putting it in God's hands and letting time decide what's best. Sometimes the no contact thing isn't for everyone. But then again my girlfriend is the type that can stay friendly with her exes with no problem. And if this helps any we're all really similar, I also was divorced (incompatible, no cheating involved that I know of), so currently this is my 2nd marriage, and my girlfriend coincidentally did leave her boyfriend of 3 years and started seeing me. And as she describes it, I may have just been the catalyst also at that time. That's on of our issues we have to explore also, do we leave one relationship and just jump into another without the required "me time" for fear of being alone. Its strange everything you said is so the same as us, so much in fact that all that's missing is that your name starts with a Y. Maybe this is God's way of trying to show us what we should do. Hope we both can find some type of closure to our situations, hope it all works out for you in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): Thank you for all that you have said. I completely agree with you on all points. I am and educated, athletic and attractive woman with alot going for me. I'm not pining after this man because I feel that I will not find love again. I get alot of attention from men, but feel this very strong connection to him. I wonder every day how I could have let this happen, but as we all know, sometimes it just happens. I do not regret the things that have happened with the MM, but the pain that has come with this is overbearing and insane. I have tried to tell him that it is over. He will respect that for a few days, but then always contacts me again. It's almost as if he just can't stay away from me. Each time he tells me how he wishes things could be different, and how happy he would be in his life if we were together. He feels that I am the woman he was meant to be with. Ironic he is telling me that when he is the only thing standing between us being together. With that being said, I also know it is not that easy!!I have not disillusioned myself into thinking he has no feelings at all for his wife, but I do know they got married because of a pregnancy. I also know he talks about caring for her, but has never used the word "love." Again, I am being honest with myself regarding this.I have never tried to pursuade him to leave his wife, and never will. I have made it very clear that he certainly should not leave to come to me. He needs to leave because it is the right thing for himself. I know this all too well because even though I'm divorced, I broke off an engagement to another man after meeting the MM. I had to make for 100% certain that I was doing this because of the issues that we were having, and not because of the MM. I do not regret my decision to leave my fiance as I know it was the right one. The MM was not the reason for the break up, but rather the catalyst. Perhaps this relationship between me and the MM is the whole reason, season or lifetime thing. Perhaps he came into my life as a reason or someone to help me move on from a bad relationship. Regardless, even though I cannot take responsibility if I am the reason he leaves, I have never asked him to choose.Bottom line is, I miss him so much, but my head knows I need to move on. I feel that happiness is more likely by meeting someone that is available to love me. I am just so afraid to move on for two reasons. One, because I'm afraid he will change his mind, and two, because I really do feel that we are meant to be together. I believe in Karma and I believe that all things happen for a reason. I have decided that I need to put this whole thing in God's hands and just try to be strong. I have very strong morals and values, so perhaps it is just time to make this all right.Thank you again for your "words of wisdom." It is appreciated!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): I have to say I have found this forum very helpful, reading good advice from people who can relate has been one of the best therapies I could of done. From the married persons point of view I just want to give a good piece of advice to the 41 year old female, who asks how long she should wait. I'm probably similar in some ways to your married fella, when it comes to the kids part of the marriage. But don't assume its totally loveless, he probably does love his wife, just not in the way that a married couple should love each other. And if he is anything like me probably does love you, even though like another poster stated it may be something you don't want to hear under that type of circumstance. Also don't assume that he knows or should know what you're feeling or how you view the situation because he may be in just as big of a turmoil as you emotionally and just not processing stuff clearly. You posted very little about your relationship so it would be impossible for anyone to give you an answer of how long to wait. Hell even if you detailed your post it would still be impossible because only you would know that deep down. But here's the important part, my girlfriend, who's in your position, has told me on more than one occasion that if I did leave my wife, to make sure I did it for me and not just so I could be with her. And trust me she's waited for a very long time . I'd say the same thing to you, make sure if he does leave that it's his decision. And to leave with the mindset that he's going to be single and not just move in with you right away. In my case me and my girlfriend are in a strange place right now, realizing that continuing status quo like this is not good for either of us. So we're broken up but at the same time not broken up. But she has told me straight if leave my marriage, we could still see each other but not to think that i'm going to just move in with her. You and him should have that type of conversation with each other first and realize that it may not always be a bed of roses if you decide to up your relationship with each other. And to not regret his decision on leaving his marriage, if that's the path he chooses, if for some reason it does not work out between you two. This advice applies to the person, man or woman that's thinking of leaving for their other partner. I'm sure your a nice and caring woman like my girlfriend is, but eventually if he really does love you, he has to realize that this position is killing you. He just may need a little coaxing and the clarity to put himself in your position, in the end its either he tries to fix his marriage and lets you go (and yes it is possible to just stay friends despite what anyone tells you) or leaves and at a later time decides whether he's going to pursue a life with you or not. Like I have said in my original post be sure its a decision that you, him and the others involved can live with. Good luck and God bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): I love my married man so very much too, but how long do you wait even if that person is so worth waiting for? I'm 41 years old and I fear he may never leave as I think he feels a responsibility to his kids and would rather live in a loveless marriage than lose his kids. I can tell he is not happy with his wife, so it is hard for me to understand why he stays. I'm miserable waiting, but he can't let go of me!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): I too am in an afair. I suppose I could give excuse why I wondered, but the plain fact is I fell in love with an old flame from high school. I've left my wife of many many years and continue to hold out for the other woman to leave her husband. Many times anexcuse has come up for her not to leave and I continue to wait, because I love her very much. Sure it's difficult, but I believe she is worth the wait. As for my wife, not divorced yet, she is probably suffering and has visions of my return. That, is the part that tares at me and I try to forget. I must constantly remind myself she will get over it. I don't love my wife anymore, but I don't hate her either, she is a good woman. My lot in life as I see it is always a torture for someone. Better her then me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): I can only offer the perspective of a woman who is in love with a married man who will not leave his wife because of his children. It does not really matter to us what the reason is that you have chosen to stay in your loveless marriage, the bottom line is that we were not the one you chose. Not being able to be with someone that consistently proclaims his love for you is completely cruel and heart wrenching. I don't believe that you, or my married man, intend to be hurtful, but the truth is, it is like you are continually dangling the carrot that we can never have. We start to doubt the depth of your feelings for us, as we believe that if you truly loved us, there would be no question. I certainly can sympathize with your situation regarding your son, however, you are only guessing how your wife would react if you left. She, too, deserves to be loved and it is not fair for any one of the three of you to continue living this way. We all deserve love and happiness, and I can guarantee you that even though she does not express it, she is miserable too. I am NOT judging, as I have not walked a mile in your shoes. All I can offer is that life is short, love is a gift, and everyone deserves happiness. You are not doing her or your son any favors. I have been divorced now almost 6 years and have never looked back or regretted my decision, because I left not only for my kids, but for my husband and for me. I did not love him, and we both deserved so much more. We are all only in control of ourselves. I, too, believe that it is likely your girlfriend is still in love with you, but she can no longer bear to live without you. Her chances of happiness and peace are much greater without you in her life. It is also likely she told you she no longer loves you to help you move on. Since she cannot have you, she needs to move on and find happiness without you. It has become her only choice. I have also considered telling my married man that I've moved on just to make it easier. He has told me that I am the “woman of his dreams” and that if he was with me he would be so happy. Hearing this is not easy nor is it something I want to hear based on his decision. Now what? My greatest fear is that I will finally move on, and he will change his mind. Whatever the case, I can no longer wait for something that may never happen. I’m emotionally exhausted and I deserve so much more.If you love her, and your decision is to stay in your marriage, please let her go. Make her free to love someone else who is free to love her back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): That's the toughest thing especially if neither one of you really wants to end the relationship with each other. Doubly tough if there's actually love involved on both sides. Only time can tell what will actually occur between people involved in relationships like this. Especially if the no contact rule doesn't work. Like in my case. Life is funny sometimes it just throws the right people together at the wrong times.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): Wow! Alot has been said here, and I used to judge people in affairs as well. I could never understand how anyone could do something like that to their partner, especially after I had it done to me. With all of that being said, I am currently in love with a married man. He started confiding in me 5 years ago regarding feelings he had for a woman other than his wife. Little did I know, that woman was me. He has professed his love for me consistently, but has two young children, and is in a loveless marriage; he married after he found out she was pregnant. I left my marriage with children 6 years ago, and would NEVER stay in an unhappy marriage for kids. Ultimately, the decision is his,and I will not try to pursuade him to come to me as the decision must be his own. I am in the process of breaking off the affair. I have made numerous attempts to do this, and we have always broken our promise to stay apart. It is by far the most painful thing I have ever had to endure especially because I know how deep his feelings run for me, and I know how unhappy he really is in his marriage. There is nothing I can do but move on as I cannot continue a life with things the way they are. He is devastated, by the ball is in his court. He does not see it that way as he feel trapped by the responsibility of his children and he feels he will lose them if he leaves his wife. I don't believe that would be the case, but I'm his lover and can't be his counselor. He will need to figure this out on his own.To all of you out there who judge people in affairs, please don't. We are human beings with feelings and emotions, and we certainly don't condone the behavior nor would we ever have chosen for it to happen. Things happen, emotions take over and mistakes are made. Walk in our shoes before judging harshly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): Wow! Alot has been said here, and I used to judge people in affairs as well. I could never understand how anyone could do something like that to their partner, especially after I had it done to me. With all of that being said, I am currently in love with a married man. He started confiding in me 5 years ago regarding feelings he had for a woman other than his wife. Little did I know, that woman was me. He has professed his love for me consistently, but has two young children, and is in a loveless marriage; he married after he found out she was pregnant. I left my marriage with children 6 years ago, and would NEVER stay in an unhappy marriage for kids. Ultimately, the decision is his,and I will not try to pursuade him to come to me as the decision must be his own. I am in the process of breaking off the affair. I have made numerous attempts to do this, and we have always broken our promise to stay apart. It is by far the most painful thing I have ever had to endure especially because I know how deep his feelings run for me, and I know how unhappy he really is in his marriage. There is nothing I can do but move on as I cannot continue a life with things the way they are. He is devastated, by the ball is in his court. He does not see it that way as he feel trapped by the responsibility of his children and he feels he will lose them if he leaves his wife. I don't believe that would be the case, but I'm his lover and can't be his counselor. He will need to figure this out on my own.To all of you out there who judge people in affairs, please don't. We are human beings with feelings and emotions, and we certainly don't condone the behavior nor would we ever have chosen for it to happen. Things happen, emotions take over and mistakes are made. Walk in our shoes before judging harshly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): I am 41 years old and just got out of a 5 month affair with a guy I work with. I initiated everything back in August. We are both married with kids. I am the kind of person who falls fast and hard for a guy if I am interested. It's a curse. Anyway. I ended up (at least I think) falling in love with him. Not so with him. I definitely was more into it than he was. It wasn't even a sexual relationship. We "tried" once, but as embarrassing as this is to say, he couldn't "perform". Not that I'm absolutely gorgeous, but I am good looking enough that something like that has never happened in all the years I have dated. Of course I thought there was something wrong with me. I tried to reassure him it was no big deal, but things went down hill after that. Almost immediately he told me I was too serious and he thought it was best if we stayed friends. Of course I am devastated. It has been 3 weeks and we have emailed here and there. The problem is I have to see him 3-4 Times a month at work and I hate it yet love it. I think if he sees me he would want to get back but that has not happened. It's very difficult to not email him or think about him. I know he is not somebody that could make me happy in the long run but I still grab at straws when he talks to me at work or emails me just to see what's new. I'm almost making this relationship bigger and better in my mind than it really was. I'm more obsessed with it now than when we were together. I just want to get over the acuteness of it so I can get on with my marriage. He acts like his life is better than ever which kills me. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): Wow, I've found a forum where people are in a similar situation to mine and not a judgemental mob. Affairs are never easy and certainly hard to talk about with others. Here's my story. I'm 42, wife's 48, been married for 12 years, have a 13 year old son with autistic spectrum disorder. I've been with my girlfriend for 6 years, she's single 32 years old. We met through family friends of mine and never imagined we would end up in a relationship. My wife is a good person, and in no way shape or form deserved to be cheated on, she's also a good marriage partner as far as we provide a stable household for my son. But she is real weak when it comes to him, she definitely would not be able to handle him on her own if I left. We live together almost as if we are brother and sister. Our marriage has been sexless for 4 years now. She has never found out about the affair, supposedly, because I've never been confronted about any of my unusual behavior, i.e. the no sex part, cell phone always locked or in my possession (common things that people who are in affairs do). I've sought therapy on my own, told my wife I was feeling depressed but never elaborated to her why and she's never asked. Therapist concluded that we are so non confrontational with each other that my wife probably chooses not to see what's going on and would prefer to carry on the marriage as is. Hell we've never even had an argument in 11 years, so it's not a hell hole of a marriage, we do talk about stuff. Anyway me and my girlfriend were very in love with each other for a while. As with most affairs we would break up for weeks and once for 3 months, with no contact, but would wind up together again. She was always the one breaking it off due to my marital status. Over time I realized that this type of relationship was really hurting her, and that for the most she was suffering in silence. She knows everything about my home life, so there was no deception on that part. She could have easily showed up at our doorstep and tried to break my marriage up but vowed never to do that. I finally decided that even though I loved her to break it off. Its been a few weeks and we still text. Its like we have a mutual dependency on each other that is absent with me and my wife. She has told me that she no longer loves me the same and wishes to just remain friends, but I don't believe her. I even asked her if she wanted to break off contact which she stated no that it was ok to keep in contact. I feel we really want to be together but at this time it would be impossible for me to leave my marriage because of my son. I can take the hit if it was just a matter of dividing the assets and I'd even keep paying my share of the mortgage so my son can grow up in a house and not an apartment. But it would not be fair to keep my girlfriend waiting for me with no definite plans or timeline of when we can be officially together. Anyway I like to offer this advice to people in my similar situation. Whatever you do make sure you do it for the right reasons and don't let anyone judge or criticize you, we are human and these situations do happen. People that do judge you are either angry over a similar incident in their life and are most probably not saints themselves. Even her family, my friends who also know my wife very well, men and women included were sympathetic to us even though they knew how it may end. I used to think the same way with that holier than thou attitude until it happened to me. God does have a sense of humor in teaching people humility. Take it from someone who is just like most of you here, whatever decisions you make whether to leave the marriage, end the affair, or continue status quo doesn't matter if your the married one or the one outside the marriage be sure its a decision that your comfortable with regardless of what others think. Of course with the exception of the people directly involved. I'm talking about people on the outside that may be looking in and shaking their heads disapprovingly. May sound selfish but if people have never walked a mile in your shoes then they should never criticize. Hopefully Ill be able to find a resolution to my situation, and hope you all do also. And if there is advice to give let it be constructive. God bless all of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): Hi all, I am also in a similar situation I me om at work, as soon as I saw him it was like fireworks a moment I will never forget. However.me and my husband have been together for 15 years we met in high school and he is amazing lovely kind great dad to our children though he has never made any effort romantically and I often felt neglected. The problem really is that my husband found out very early in the affair as he seems to be able to read me and I struggle to hide my thoughts from him . I have not had any sexual contact with Om but my feelings for him indescribable something I have never experienced with hubby. My husband has left as I have refusedtolet om go. I love my hubby but not sure if it's the in love feeling. I miss hubby terribly as he was my bestfriend. Om however makes me feel high,.we have both admitted we have feelings for each other we are really falling but I doubt he will leave his partner but I can't stop seeing him because I feel that sometimes in life things are put there to test us and yes I could have tried to make my marriage work but that would not have been for my happiness and I know I will probably get hurt but a feeling so strong when it's like your soul mate is worth the risk . I know this is not good advice but just wanted to share this as it's been such a battle already.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): I'm so glad to have this forum, a safe place where people understand the pain, the torment. I never ever thought in my life that I would have an affair. Here's my story. We met through my child's school; sparks were immediate but a friendship developed between us. Our friendship became closer and we confessed our feelings for each other. We are both married and have children the same age. At first, it was total bliss - to be in love again, to have that attention, affection, admiration. I feel I've found my soul mate, my best friend... but neither of us want to break up our marriages, our families, knowing that the love we share between us is impossible, a fantasy. We carried on with constant texts, meeting up for lunches, etc. when possible for the past four months.Well, while the moments of bliss were pure perfection... what I didn't realize was the torment, guilt, pain, loneliness, ache, longing, desire I would feel. It's gut wrenching, it's heart wrenching, to be in love with someone you can't be with. It's soul destroying. And we both know this and recognize it. We've tried many times to break it off; it's a roller coast of emotions. I feel now I am in constant emotional turmoil, depending on how things are going between us. I know he's torn and conflicted the same way I am. I feel sadness, that we've enabled each other to become people we don't want to be; but the love is real, we know it, which is what makes letting go of each other so hard.For the past week we've been trying to "cool down" by not having any physical aspect; the guilt was too much to bear. We are still in limited contact because our children are best friends; however, this limited interaction is painful. I know people say cold turkey is the way to go, but that seems too painful, too. Either way, it's pain. When you love someone, let them go; and I have to let him go, to find true contentment in his marriage and in his life, without me. And I feel a horrible ache in my heart knowing this. We're trying for a scaled back friendship but I really don't know if that's possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): I'm not sure why people say stop with it and focus on your marriage? I have a faithful all too diligent husband whom I can barely stand being in a room with and it's been that way for years. But, I have also come from a background of parents who are still together and have been through their own crap that I had to see and so on... so I find it hard to relinquish certain values, yet i chose to set aside others because i was so miserable and disjointed, i didn't even know who I had become over 13 years of being with this person. I was not seeking an affair, but it certainly happened. I recently ended it - but I still don't know how to. He (the other) is respecting my wishes and knows I am probably not strong enough to keep away from him on my own so he chooses to keep me "safe" and ignore any attempts I have tried to make to just get a response... It's like withdrawing from a drug. You don't realize how intertwined this person was in your life until it stops happening and then you feel like you don't know what the h to do with yourself and you start over but don't know where the line is, your spouse has become even worse because signs after a year of this crap goin on are surely there, I mean you can tell yourself they are not but they are. SO everyone is screwed emotionally at this juncture.... it makes it more difficult not to think about the other person when you stare at your husband with resentment - when really you are incapable of coping at the moment. So Not that it's an answer, it's a response to people who have NOT done their research on extramarital pursuits and/or are to young to be able to put themselves in someone else's shoes. People fall down, people get up, but rarely do people leave their marital partner for the other. In this life we cannot have our cake and eat it too. I cannot replace my children with another man's bank account, c--ck, or anything else I think I'm lacking.What I am lacking is something within myself that only I can manifest to change and satisfy. There is allot of history behind this short story. I tried to tell my husband to leave... he doesn't want to believe it was before the other man "befriended" me... but it was and it was repetitive. I told my husband if he ever loved me and loved our children to please just go because our relationship is unhealthy for everyone in the family.... it's not an excuse but we run a family owned business together, so my husband is my job...meaning I don't have an outside income and we can't afford to hire a replacement for me. I can justify all day long, but the point I'm trying to get across is people who feel trapped will do whatever it takes to get out of entrapment. No one brings that up, because it sounds like an excuse. It's not, it's real, it's manipulative, and it hurts. Unless you are a woman who has been in this position, you won't understand... Well just get out. People... how many women endure physical abuse? It is equally as difficult to get out of mental abuse. I'm not condoning infidelity, I'm just saying life happens or you are scared, or even worse you don't even know what you are anymore. And really, sometimes the fire does look better than the frying pan - at least it gets the job done faster.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): This site has been such a help - thank you to everyone! It is amazing to see that so many people are going through the same thing. It's been over a year and now it's over. It started innocently enough - a connection with a man that developed into an amazing friendship, and so flirting was added into the mix. From flirting came temptation and soon we began talking about how it could happen, could we really do it, should we? We are both married. Neither of us was looking for this, like so many of you, it just happened. And yet, in saying that, we let it happen. We talked long and hard about the consequences, what each of us wanted out of it and knowing how it could end - we went ahead anyway. Both of us are happy in our other relationships and have children and a fulfilling home life. I guess the draw was the attention and excitement. And it was exciting. It took a half a year to get to the physical part of the relationship, and that lasted another half a year. I wasn't ready for it to end even though we had talked about that a few times. But someone found out. Initially that was the end of it - we didn't see each other, we didn't text or email, but the phone calls continued. It's been 6 weeks now and we've seen each other a few times but mostly we don't. The physical relationship has ended while we struggle to continue the friendship. It's been extremely hard but it's getting easier. Each day I have a different outlook. Some days I'm sure we'll begin the physical part of the relationship again, other days I think it's over for good and I should just accept that. Everyday it's in my thoughts and that's likely the worst of it - that it never goes away, that I am always thinking about it and wondering how he can be so certain that the physical part is over and still so aure that the friendship is not. There is a lot of inner turmoil but it is getting better. I write myself little notes to help keep my mind on track - to remember that it could have been so much worse, even though it feels horrible some days, my family is safe from the knowledge of this and I have a life to return to - I just need to get back to that, but can I do it while I keep this friendship? I really hope that I can but only time will tell.
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reader, bcfootball10  +, writes (24 April 2012):
First off, I want to say that I have really gotten a lot out of reading everyone's heartfelt stories. I have one of my own and I'll keep it concise..I am a married man of nearly 9 years with a daughter and over the past several years my wife and I had really drifted apart. Slowly so that neither of us really noticed it. I began looking to fill the 'void' if you will and to make a long story short, met a girl of 25. I was 40 at the time. We hit it off instantly, which really surprised me because I've always felt a disconnect with younger folks. Anyway, my story is much like so many others here. She was also married, but without children. She was at the point where she was ready to leave. I was looking to fill a hole. This quickly transformed after several weeks of chatting, talking and a couple of meetings into a rather intense emotional and physical relationship. And friendship, which I notice is a common theme here. Things seem to happen very quickly and strong bonds are built. I had previously thought it was somewhat unique to her and I, but it seems it might be unique to this particular type of relationship. At any rate, I tried several times to end it. I wanted the friendship, but I found myself dreaming about being with her and more importantly, I was starting to do things in my life that were pulling me away from my family. But I had no strength. I forget how many times I tried to walk away. It was quite a few, but finally, after four months, I was able to walk away. The event(s) that put me over the edge are trivial and not worth mentioning. I guess I had to realize that it could never work out. That was 5 weeks ago today. We had phone contact for several days, and email/text contact for about a week after I ended it.I came clean and told my wife everything that had happened. By the grace of God she's forgiven me and we are working hard on getting back to we were when we first met. So far, things are going very well. I don't really have a question per se, but am curious if anyone has any comments on friendship after an affair. Obviously in my case it would be a huge breach of trust with my wife to maintain contact with my former 'girlfriend'. But that is the one thing I am really hung up on. More than anything else, I miss the friend I had. I know from our few contacts after it ended that she feels the same. Just wondering if anyone had any thoughts or experiences with getting past that part of it? It seems like most developed rather deep bonds with their affair partners. I miss my butterfly friend.. I am hoping that someone has an experience or reflection here. Not sure she'll ever see this, but I would be grateful to any responders. I wish her nothing but the best and if she can get some help with this too, then great :)[Mod note: ask questions here: http://www.dearcupid.org/ask ]
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reader, fall back girl +, writes (27 January 2012):
I can feel your pain because I too had an affair with a married man. Just remember that you are only second best and he will call you again. He does not love you but puts you on the side. You will have sex with him with little or no effort. Put yourself back on track. Never ever call or except calls from him again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): I have loved him since he was 15 and I was 10. I didn't think I should be with him because we were very distant cousins. I met up with him at 17 and had some encounters not the big one, then again at 28 no encounters. Then I married a wonderful family man, no passion, just a decision to raise children and remain married. He's handsome and quiet. I've never been attracted to anyone quiet, he was very faifthful and helpful and kind, still is. I visited my cousins family with my children, thought I was over him and we had a blast. We worked in the fields, laughed so much, talked so much contineued on IM and email when we parted for about a year. I visited again. We didn not have sex, and have never. We just really love each other more than we can even imagine. I can't divorce. He can't ask me to. We dream about being together. He told me it can go no further, he's cut his calls and messages in half. I think he's ending it for our sanity. I am sick about it. I want him to have fond memories of me and not hate me. I will love him till I'm dead. I was wrong and will ask God for forgiveness. He's just so cool and says the most perfect things with feeling. My current husband doesn't express feelings or emotions. I hope he moves on and even finds someone if it makes him happy. I hope they never take my place and he dies someday respecting and loving me still. i don't know how to stop looking for emails IM's that don't come or waiting for calls that don't come. I don't make contact becuase he made it so clear that as long as I'm married we can not. He has sent some mixed messages and called and done some inappropriate things, his issues I suppose. I think maybe I loved him more and that is painful. Thanks for listening and it was good to read your stories. They make me feel like I'm not alone with heartache. I believe if we ask God for forgiveness we'll get it, but going on is the difficult part, so heavy in the chest area, breathing is difficult. I think I will contact him every three months just to be sure he is happy healthy and having a good life. I will try to prepare that he will get married even though he hasn't been married for 50_+ years.
I don't really have a plan, I'm just trying to get through each day without him. We parted saying we felt each other's heartbeat. I liked what I read above in a story someone said
1. Cherish the experience
2. Do not blame anyone, it is noone's fault, you are luck to experience the special love. Be thankful to your lover
3. Believe it ended the best way it could have
I shall try. I know this may be best for my husband and three children. I don't know if its best for me. I know God wants me to do it. Let's all say a prayer for eachother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): Ugh! I have been going through the same thing and came across this thread and it has given me a little bit of comfort knowing i'm not alone. I'm female and have been with my husband for 7 years (married for almost 2). We have no children yet, but have two cats, a nice condo, lead a comfortable life; we both work. I wouldn't say our relationship is in the dumps, we get along really well, things seemed to be normal (we don't have the most engaging sex life, but it didn't strike me as such a problem).Well last year, i met someone that works in the building i work in. I saw him, and instantly my stomach got butterflies. I just put it towards a private little work crush.....i've seen and been around attractive looking guys, no biggie. Well we started talking, hanging out. Just as friends of course. He knew I was married, he has a girlfriend and a child with her. We were getting flirty though. I told him i was attracted to him and he said he was too. We knew we couldn't do anything but one night we were hanging out and I drove him home and he said he wanted to kiss me but we were too close to his house. I nearly jumped out of my seat. We said goodbye, hugged and that was that until the next time i drove him home...he told me to pull over and we made out and i had never felt such emotion...sparks...whatever in my life. I was almost hyperventalating after the whole thing. I couldn't stop thinking about him and over the course of the next few months, we would meet up and make out/hook up and text like crazy, emails, chatting online...secret visits in the office... We got very close, very fast. People were starting to notice around work, so we needed to not be so ovbious so we scaled back in our communication, but we still found time to meet up, hook up etc. Catch is we never had sex. It either became too complicated to plan or whatever....it just never happened. It was starting to become complicated to get rid of the feelings though for him so we kept stopping and then we would get back into it again and stopping over and over again. until now; while I was on vacation, we both mutually decided to stop. Go back to being friends, focus on our own relationships and focus on work (it was becoming distracting.)Our significant others could NEVER find out. ever! I would never tell him and he would never tell his girlfriend. We ended a couple of weeks ago, and while it was mutual, we see each other every day since he works in the building. Every day. I still think about him sexually, emotionally etc and i'm finding myself even more emotionally invested than when we were actually having the affair. I'm having such a hard time with it all and i'm just trying to focus on my marriage and get rid of all the amazing memories I had with this guy. I have major anxiety from it all because the feelings come rushing back to me every time I go to work. It's just painful. We still talk as friends....and he definitely has been able to turn it all off and treat me like a pal but I want him to go back to treating me like something more. Feel so selfish and I feel horrible for doing this to my husband, but I did it, and it lasted for almost a year and it's done. I'll get over it but it's so painful right now.
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reader, mbill48 +, writes (22 June 2011):
I need to know if anyone is still watching this question especially if you are a gal and has had or is currently having an affair.
I will be very brief. I’m a single man having an affair and in love with her. Need help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): Thank you all for telling your stories; it's been therapeutic for me. I am a 40 year old man and have had the relationship ended by my special friend (after two prior attempts). It is extraordinarily painful going through this, and I know it is for her, too (both of us married, both with children, just certain things missing in our respective marriages). I agree with so much of what's written here, and it's nice to find a non-judgmental forum to learn and share. I got into this to allow myself enjoy a "passionate love affair". What you don't know until you've done it is the tremendous toll it takes on you, irrespective of whether your spouse ever finds out (mine hasn't and God willing won't). One thing particularly painful is that it's really something you can't share with anyone, lest you be judged. I've learned a lot. This is an isolating condition, but I expect it to get better every month. It's just that a month seems like a long time when you think of him/her every hour.. Good luck, friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Reading these posts has been helpful. I am young, mid twenties, married for 2 years. My husband had an affair in the first year of our marriage. It tore us apart. We both travel a lot, so I decided to spend time away from my husband by visiting old friends around the country. I visited a friend I knew since high school--always had an attraction to him, but never did anything about it. My short visit to see him across the country turned into a passionate weekend. I visited him again a month later, which only stirred up more emotions in me. We both admitted how long we wanted something like this to happen, though never openly admitted it until now. Before I left, he told me we were in different life stages, that it wouldn't really work out with us. (He is just starting a great career in NYC, I am off for graduate school in another country). Our affair began in October 2010 and ended quickly in December 2010. He has not spoken to me since, but I miss him, both as my long time friend before the affair and for the passionate times we did have together. My marriage is still on rocks, divorce has been brought up multiple times, but no firm decisions have been made. I am no longer in a physical affair, but I think of this other guy constantly--dreams, waking thoughts, memories of our friendship in the past, etc. I do not wish to be back in the affair, but I do wish I had more closure to it, after-all, he was my friend long before my short-term lover. It hurts deeply and it destroys your self esteem. I hope that it fades as time goes on and that I can erase our affair and be friends again. I doubt that the latter part can ever happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): I married someone who came from a contentious and abusive home. When we dated she was nice, after we got married, she soon changed. Everything seemed to turn into an ordeal or argument and it was so hard to cope, let alone to love her. After 9 yrs I wanted out, but had a mortgage, payments, 3 kids and a time-sucking business. Then I met her at an work event one spring night. She was about 21, incredibly pretty. I was 44. I saw her again at a gala a couple weeks later. I was one of the event speakers and it was a huge night for me. I walked by her table and we hugged... huge vibes. I met her on the stairs at the after party and we talked and held each other for what seemed like hours. I kissed her on the neck... not daring to go farther. I stayed away until months later I saw her walking around outside my office on the street looking a little lost. I emailed her and she was elated to hear from me. She came by my office as I was a customer of their company. She took me to an lunch that lasted forever. The next week I took her for lunch. It was the best afternoon ever. Drinking wine and just talking about stuff. I was crazy about her. She emailed me later that night and said she could talk to me for hours. I saw her again at her office days later. We talked amongst her colleagues, then later she quietly held me close in a nearby office. I was in heaven.I told her I was married and we agreed to be just friends as she lived with her BF. Weeks later I remember emailing her about something and it was back on. Finally it was her last day at the job and she wanted to see me. After lunch we walked slowly together to the parking lot not wanting it to end. I hugged her goodbye (like it was the last day on earth), We must have done this 5 or 6 times. I kissed her tenderly on the lips. She smiled and said. "you can't do that." Weeks later we met, it was incredible. That summer, we emailed, texted daily. Finally, I hesitated as I was scared to death to get into an affair as my wife intercepted a text and I had to explain it away. After that we didn't talk. I was devastated. She was too. She broke first and texted me after a couple weeks. A few days later I asked her to meet me. We did. It was intense and she was struggling. This happened again and I didn't see her for almost a month. I called again and she invited me for drinks. We had the best time ever and she later texted nude photos of herself. We got together again, but nothing really physical. Just incredible tension and more nude photos. We texted and emailed constantly and then one day, she called me to tell me that she was totally 'in love' with me. A month or so later in the fall, she asked me to fly away for a weekend to see an old friend. She assured me he was just a friend. We didn't end up going and had a fight over it. A month later we were to go again and she'd book the hotel. Then I found out she had been seeing this guy. By this time we were emailing, texting, calling constantly – so attached now. I was really upset and she said she thought of me only as a friend. I broke it off... I was torn apart. I didn't call. Finally she called me totally heartbroken a week later.The next summer, we met up a couple times again and I took her out one night. It started off great, but something was different, we had some drinks and we held hands and cuddled, she asked me to stay at her place overnight. Finally! But she was a getting drunk and told me she was bi-sexual and often had sex with her girlfriends and had met that other guy in a threesome. A real 'Girls Gone Wild Girl'. Called it sport-sex. She got a call from one of her sex-buddies and left that night for him saying I was married and taken. I ended up seeing her again a couple times and the last time she asked me out, it got pretty physical, but not the same. This fall, she's called me less and less, but would respond immediately if I emailed her. I think she's been struggling with all this too. I cannot believe I didn't just walk away. I really know how to pick them.Finally her BF (a drug dealer) fed up about her lifestyle, made her go to counseling. She called me to tell me and wanted to meet me again and we spoke like we were long lost lovers. Neither of us wanted to hang up the phone. It was about month ago, but we did not meet. Since then we've hardly spoken and in fact she did not respond to my last email. I miss her 24/7 and long for her more than anything in the world. It's been the most intense and best/worst thing to every happen to me. I will not contact her and must move on. I can't help but wonder if she's missing me. My marriage is still a trainwreck, but we're trying to work together to get a common ground. Reading your experiences has helped me so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): It is amazing a thread can thrive four years after it was first posted. For a lot of us we are just desperate to find a place where we can connect and share the painful experience. I went to a party held by my affair partner. He holds a higher position and decides my promotion to a great extent. He holds a party annually before Christmas and almost everyone goes.
Anyway, he pursued me passionately and romantically and I fell for him. I am married with two young kids. My husband and I have been separated for 2 years. I could not handle the affair and wanted it to stop. He always got me back until November. I stopped answering his calls and he could not stand it. Eventually he yelled at me in the copyroom and said nasty things. I asked him why and he said I rejected him. He apologized later but the damage was done and I feel I have to quit this job. I hate dragging my kids along with me and I am so scared that I may not be able to find a new job.
I don't regret having the affair but I regret having it with the wrong man. My marriage is done because of a very controlling and distant husband. But this man is worse than that. When I think of the things he said to me: "You and I have different agenda... It is not even your place to ask (to be my last affair)....My wife is exceptional...I am just a lover boy who loves more than one women... I told my wife she was the most beautiful in that fund raising party .... I believe you are still capable of becoming a loyal wife if you meet the right person ... You cheated on your husband .... You are living a lie, not my wife...Can you give me more time I think we need to get to know each other more... Do you mind if I don't marry you immediately after getting a divorce?" True most of the time he was sweet and gentle. But when I put those things together, I have to admit that I have lived a lie in this affair, I never wanted to see him for who he is. Once he asked me whether I thought he was a jerk and I did not answer him. I think he is a jerk. He used me and thought he was hurt when I refused to be used any more. He is a very selfish and manipulative jerk.
Yes I have missed him every day, every moment. But I have not contacted him and have refused to answer his calls. I must stay strong. I am getting a divorce too. My job has suffered in the past half a year. I must get back on my feet and be strong for my children. I know he is in pain but it is only because he felt rejected. He would never have yelled at me in public and jeopardized my job if he truly cared about me.
Yes I even chatted with his wife last night and showed her my kids' photos. She hugged me when I left. I don't know whether she suspected of anything. I behaved normally but I had lots of wine and I felt so much pain and sadness. I don't feel sorry for her or myself. I just want all of this to be over and I can start a new life.
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reader, Witchy_woman +, writes (25 November 2010):
I guess I'm in the same boat. I've been having an affair with this guy for 2 1/2 years now. We're both married, trying to fill a void in our marriages. Our relationship has been very good, lots of communication and great sex. But I know that I'm in love with him. My problem is he doesn't even tell me he loves me. Although, I know he cares about me.. he texts, he emails, and tell me he miss me and that I'm his baby and sweetheart and all that stuff. I'm scared that I have fallen in love with him and he doesn't feel the same way about me. He said it's not just the sex, but all men says that. I want to start backing off from him, but it's so hard. He's the first thing in my mind when I wake up and the last thing in my mind when I go to bed. I feel everyone's pain over here. This is not something we all planned. We know it's wrong. But we all want to be happy someway, somehow. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's not easy to just move on and forget that the whole thing happened. But, I'm trying to find the strength not to put a 100% on this relationship. I'm trying to hold back as much as I can and not to expect anything from him. All I want for him is to tell me at least that he loves me... I guess he doesn't. I feel like I have been used and has been so stupid all this time. I only have myself to blame!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Suggestion: Move on and avoid hurting others. I experienced the same scenario - met her and instantly felt my world change like never before. The OW and I had a very intense emotional relationship - it lasted for just over 6 weeks - we only had sex twice - until my wife found out. The relationship was a rollercoaster of emotions for both of us as she is married stay-at-home-mom with children, but very dissatisfied with her marriage and afraid of her husband. She ended it when my wife discovered it and she went crazy - calling the OW. That was over a year ago; my wife since has attempted suicide in the aftermath - we are still together - it's not great, worse is I still have intense feelings for this other woman and don't have feelings for my wife. Somehow I am moving on, and have refrained from contacting OW.
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reader, the teacher +, writes (31 October 2010):
I'm reading trying to find help to get over my affair. Reading all of these stories makes me feel that at least, I'm not the only married woman with feelings having an affair. If you had asked me a few months ago... I would have said that a married woman who has an affair is nothing but a whore!... well, here I am crying and lusting over a man who is not my husband. I started this affair with a fellow teacher, he is single. I felt like a teenager falling in love. He totally changed my world and made me feel young and loved and pretty.But...this is a single man with two failed marriages, who won't even ask me to leave my husband. He wants to keep our relationship a secret, he brakes up with me almost every weekend and then makes up during the week, specially on the days when we can have illicit sex at the office. Have I lost all dignity?...I have been married for 13 years, three years ago my husband had an affair and broke my heart. He is been working so hard at making it up to me. He puts up with everything I do and I just could not forgive him.He has been the perfect husband since then. I often fantasized that if I had the same experience I could forgive him...no I didn't do it to get even. I tried hard not to fall for my lover, but this simply has been the most romantic, most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. I'm going through another weekend breakup. I don't know if by Monday he will want me back or not, but here I am crying and feeling miserable. Would somebody slap me please!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): Wow I am really surprise to see that soo many women out there are having affairs. I always thought it was more of a guys thing. My situation hasn't been going for long, I would say about a month. However, I feel the situation is messing with head and emotions. I dont know what to do.
The person I am having an affair with is someone that I met when I was 18 years old. I am 28 yrs old in a relationship of 6 years with a child who is 5 yrs old. We both used to worked together actually he was my boss. At that time I was young and he was a player. I used to hear stories of all the girls he was messing with. I also witness fights that girls had over him. I worked with him for 5 years, during these 5 years my couriosity grew and I wanted to know what was soo special about him. Around 6 1/2 years ago. We went to a b-day party and after one thing led to another and I ended up at his house. During that time I was single. He was single too but messed around with girls, some of them I knew and spoke to them on the regurlarly. After that we saw each other for a couple of months, it never became nothing serious because I knew his nature. We had fun and our sexual chemistry is amazing. He is not the most atractive guy but there is something about his personality that makes women crazy about him. After a while I decided to moved on and we just stopped seeing each other. Then I met my daughters father in the spring of 2004 by the end of the summer I was pregneat with my daughter. During this whole time I graduated college, became a mom and found another job. So we stayed as friends. During the last years we have kept in touch but nothing serious. So about a month ago. Me and my friend were kind of bored and wanted to get out. So we were thinking of people to talk. Out of all the people we know he was one of the many that came to mind. We schedule to hang out together to go to a lounge.
I think that was the worse mistake, I could have ever made. My relationship with my daughter's father is not great he is a good guy that loves me and respects me. However i feel that in 6 years out relationship and our plans of being a family have become stalled. I am not in love with him but I respect him and love him in my own way. so during this time, I was confused.. thinking here I am 6 years down the line and things continued to be the same. I was looking for a way to deal with what I was feeling. That's when he came around again.... We hanged out that night and he was all over me.. Like he didn't care I had someone else. At the end of the night. he asked me to kissed him which I did just to get him off my back.
A couple of days later we spoke on the phone and thats when he started telling me he wanted to see me. I didn't know what to do.. I knew it was wrong but at the same time. I felt I need it to let loose for a night. So after a couple of weeks I decided I was going to do it. In order to prepare myself, I had a couple of extra drinks. It happen and I went home to my family like nothing ever happen. I thought to myself it was only one time. Is ok... it wasn't even that great since i was soo hammered. Then a week later he calls me again telling me he wants to see him. I go this time thinking, well the first time i wasn't sober soo it doesn't count.. I am going to do it once more and thats it. We met and we had sex I most say that it was good for this first time in a long time. I was able to be myself, I can't explain it but he brings the wild out of me. So after I went home. after that I begin to notice that he didn't call or text so i would drop him a couple of text here and there. he would answer with quick answers. Called him once didn't show no interest in seeing me so i left it alone. The weekend came around and me and my friend decided to go to a party that he was coming to. When I saw him at the party, I treated him like a friend since it is what we are. I was dancing and having fun with other people we both knew. Some of the guys were trying to hit on me. I would just played it off telling them I had a man. when I was having conversations he would come around and tell them to step away!! that I was his.... I was kind of shocked by this. Then he started yanking me away from people I was dancing with. When the party ended we went outside. I was going to walk to the car when he came behind started asking me to come with him. I was like I can't, I have to go home.. then this other guy is trying to talk to me and curses him out and tells him to get away... he walks me to the car and the whole time he is caressing me and kissing me and begging me to come with him. he got kind of upset but he undestood at the end that I couldn't. I got home send him a text saying I was sorry that I would make it up to him... he didn't answer back. Then the next day I send him a text saying good morning!! No answer. Later sunday night I send him a text saying are u mad at me!! he answers no... Didn't hear from him in the next 3 days. I decided to text him eventhough i said i wouldn't. I sent him a greeting he repplys back with Whats up! That was the last thing I heard...
I just feel confused... Is like 3 days ago you were begging me to spend time with u. yet during the last couple of days you dont contact me and when I decide to contact you.. you keep it cold... he is really messing with my head. Now I really want to see him.. Eventhough i know is wrong but I can't stop myself from wanting him eventhough I know there is not future.. I would have never thought that 6 years later I was going to be dealing with someone in my past that is older than me. eventhough age is nothing but a number...
In life never say never.. I would always say I would NEVER CHEAT!! look at me now...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): I appreciate finding this site and reading these postings because until you are "in this" and experience how horrible "this" is, you can't even imagine that one day you will be so desperate to find someone....anyone that you can relate to or with that you'll even join a site like this to have some relief. I had an affair. Unlike some of the others on here, it didn't last long, but it was long enough to do several things. First of all, I am a Christian; i love God and i love my family and do NOT know why I put an affair above all that. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. Secondly, I have been married for 18 years to someone that I know I should not have married to begin with, but have stayed with because of children and out of trying to be obedient to God's word. So....have an affair...much more obedient? Right? My husband and I are like oil and water; we do not get along. We argue daily and I am so tired. So, for all these reasons being said (none of them being good ones), I was extremely excited and flattered when I began being pursued by my guy. He is nothing like my husband and he was so direct with his desires. It did not take long or much coaxing to get this going. We are both married...with children and made it very plain upfront that we could not or would not mess with that. We were just going to have a "casual" relationship (ha) and draw off of the positive experiences of being with each other. Here's the thing....what I did not see coming was the feelings I would begin to have for this man. It wasn't just incredible sex; the tenderness that we experienced...the kissing...My God....the sensual kissing....the conversation...the understanding. It became apparent to both of us pretty quick that our feelings were getting strong, intense, and we both said "this is not good; we had better stop". Sounds easy enough....right? WRONG. Stopping is difficult and even when you do stop...even though we did not get caught...it is horrible. This guy always told me that he wanted friendship with me more than anything and that had to be our priority. That did not last long because friendship cannot occur when you are trying like hell to get over someone. I can't tell my husband about this. I refuse to; it would destroy him and my children. (yes, for the judgers out there...that would have been something to have considered before I did this) but what's done is done. I have asked for forgiveness for God and believe with all of my heart that He will help me shoulder this burden that I have created for myself. The sick part is, I miss my guy so much. I miss the texts, the pictures, the meetings, the hours in his arms. And...i just miss HIM. I liked him as a person so much. He always said that we could be friends, but guess what? No, you can't. You can't be friends after this....not in my experience anyway. It's too damn painful and tempting as well. So, what I am left with are feelings of guilt, rejection, and low self esteem (the irony of that is how high my self esteem was when we were together; he made me feel like the sexiest and the most beautiful thing in the world). And the questions are endless? Why did I do this? How is it so easy for him to walk away when I feel like I am going crazy without him? What is so wrong with me that I would jeopardize my children's lives to do somthing like this? Will I ever feel better? Why Why Why? Does he miss me? Did he just use me? How can he just go back to his life as if everything is normal? I inwardly hope he is suffering too but I doubt he is suffering as much as I am. I guess misery loves company because I found solace and could totally relate to those of you on here that said as much as you know stopping is what you have to do, the right thing to do, and the ONLY thing to do...you still long to have it back. It's sick. I think for me personally, that I have been trying to fill a void within myself that no other person can fill. God is the only one who can do that. This affair left me feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my whole entire life. I am angry with myself and angry with him, as even though i was a very willing participant, i did not instigate this and tried to say "no" from the beginning. This sucks. Period. I hope and pray that God will forgive me even though I am not going to be able to ask my husband to forgive me as well. I CANNOT tell him.... I will not destroy him in order to alleviate some part of my own guilt. If you are considering an affair...DO NOT DO IT. PERIOD. Nothing is worth the pain and agony that you feel afterward. Nothing. I would rather feel completely dead inside (which I almost do now) than to feel the anguish and torment that I feel now. Life is tough. I don't know what I'd do without a God to pray to, although I can tell you...he's not very happy with me right now. Any thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): 2 years on and im still trying to get over his affair, one minute I dont want to lose him the next I cry. I do not want to become bitter and twisted as so hold it inside. this is the only time he has strayed in 18 years and definately the last. If he ever does again it's over, no questions he's out. I have twins and maintain "nmal life" really well. Since his betrayal he has had the snip, got a tattoo of my name, buys me flowers, even a new "wedding ring" but I still feel shite!! If it wasn't for my amazing extended family I would have run away by now.... The worse is when we get intimate, we have a great time then after I just feel really, really low but can't tell him and usually crt myself to sleep. Will it get easier?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): I am going through what you are all too. I had the affair for one year and I'm pretty sure he has met someone else as he did not want to wait for me anymore. I have been married for almost 17 years so it would be a big deal for me to divorce. Although I told him I loved him and would divorce I know he saw the confusion in my face and decided to move on. I saw him 3 days a week and we also took two great trips together and got along so well. It was majic with him and I was truly happy. It is so hard to believe he has moved on after all that time and I am devastated about this. I miss him every day and have a really hard time to think he may be with someone else. I think that's the hardest part of all this as I always had his full attention. I will never know now if we could have had a future. I have called him and he has called me since January but there is a distance there and things are so different. Not sure if he thinks about me but I would do anything to get over this hurt. I would not have had the affair if I know then how I would be feeling. I do not receommend anyone having an affair unless they are 100% sure they want out of their marriage. It is too painful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): It's not just women who suffer when an affair comes to an end. Men do as well. We are not all just out to use you. Here is my story.
I thought I had it all under control. It was just going to be a fun. We would be "Friends with benefits". After all, we both had good marriages, we were happy, we were mature adults, we could handle it. Neither of us had any desire to screw up the other persons life. Here's my story.
I met the "other woman" OW more than 6 years ago. I was 40 she was 33. From the instant we met there was electricity. Our personal stories so similar. We so "got" each other, had so much fun laughing together. Plus she was hot, and sexy. But we were both married with kids. (Mine many years older). I was just one step ahead of her in life's processes. We belonged to the same synagogue and naturally ended up in the same social circle. Nothing would ever happen. Years of flirting and kidding around as she had two more kids.
Then this summer something changed. Her response to my little flirtations increased. She wore sexier things around me. She wanted to party and drink together. She "joked" about needing a boyfriend. I "joked" that I would love to apply for the job. I made a few very direct "passes" at her which she sheepishly rejected. I thought ... she's just a tease. Nothing will ever happen, stop being an idiot. Then she called me, and just came out with it. She said she wanted to try me as a boyfriend after all and was I serious. Just enough joke in her voice to leave room to run away but clearly a genuine request.
I doubted her sincerity and doubted her ability to deal with an affair and keeping it secret. I made her come to my office and convince me she could handle it. We kissed, deeply, passionately, immediately I knew this was going to be hot. I wanted to be sure she could deal with it and I postponed anything further until I saw she could deal with being in the company of my wife and friends. Of course, she passed with flying colors.
The affair began. Intense, hot, sensual, passionate; from the movies. (Doesn't everyone say that). But very quickly it became clear that the story was quite different then portrayed. Her marriage was in shambles. She, the child of divorced parents, had no real model of love and intimacy and her husband (from a similar background) was equally emotionally deficient. Despite her developmental and marital experience she was/is a deep, passionate, loving person with an incredible need for love. And me, with what seems like an insatiable appetite for passion and intimacy delighted in my Don Juan role of educating her in love. And so I became her first real love affair. Her first taste of deep romantic love.
And she fulfilled for me the desire for deep burning, unbridled intimacy that is hard for my wife. [historical note - After years of couples therapy and the kids, we came to a good place of understanding about how to handle the mismatch in our sexual desires and desires for intimacy. (Or so I thought.) ]
But it got worse. The more time we spent together the more our innate compatibilities came out. How we do things, what we like, sleep habits, energy levels, attitudes, tastes ... all the things that made our friendship work now were combined with romantic love and incredible sex.
She sees me, really sees me. She gets me. She admires me for the things I most want to be admired. She isn't afraid to stare back into my eyes while making love.
Then the bomb drops ... she tells me that her husband (who by now lives in another town) has previously had two affairs and she is planning on leaving him. She knows of course we cant be together but I have taught her what love is and although she has known for some time she didn't have enough with him, it is now clear how big the gap is. And even though we both know it could never be how can we avoid fantasizing about what our life would be like if we were truly together.
We spend a weekend away together and it's magic. And at the same time I realize that it's so good that it has to be over. Because now I am fully in love with this woman and we have nowhere to go from here but into destruction. We can't go back to stolen phone conversations and hotel afternoons. We want to taste a real life together. I want to somehow put my real life and family on pause and see what happens with this woman. And since that can't happen I know it has to end. She knows too. She hates the lying, the cheating. She wants to know that her marriage needs to end without me clouding the picture because I am not a real option.
But we can't let go of each other. emails and phone calls continue for a few weeks. We try new rules: certain topics not to be discussed, we find ways to protect each other from the jealousies. Last Weds we meet and again its wonderful. But saying goodbye at the hotel door ... God, the pain. And then we see each other on the weekend in a family context. Going out with friends to the movies. OH GOD ... unbearable.
The next day I call her and say "we have to be done. We are turning into people we don't want to be. I want my happiness and contentment with my wife back." She agrees and thanks me for doing the right thing. She knows how destructive these affairs can be. And she adds if ever there is anything between us, it can't come this way. (her voice still full of hope for "someday".)
And so here I am left so very confused and in so much pain. Where do I go from here? What does it all mean? Was any of it real? Can any of it be trusted? This wasn't a casual "fun" affair. It turned out to be the most heart-wrenching relationship of my life.
Thank you all for listening ... It helps to share.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): I have stuff to do but Im glad I found this site. Im so messed up about whats been going on its ridiculous. I have been having an affair with a girl that has been a great friend for years. We are both married, have children of the same age that play together and that how it really all started. She would come over for playdates and we would sit and talk about everything. She was and is my best friend and it grew quickly from that. It went from playdates to us meeting up at places and ending up at each others house to have sex. It was amazing. But both of our spouses became suspicous about how much time we were spending together and it has now caused alot of problems for both of us. Now its in limbo if we will ever be able to see each other again and its killing me. But she doesnt really seem to have a problem with it. I poured my heart out to this women and she did the same to me. But now Im feeling that she was just caught up in the momment and saying things I wanted to hear. Now Im left with my hands in the air like "what the hell just happened?". I thought you loved me?. Im over here getting ready to throw 12 years down the drain for you and now I cant get a response out of her for nothing. I try to e-mail just to ask how her day is going and nothing. I know that was a complete rambling right there but I have no one else to talk to about this so YOU GUYS WIN!. The only relief I have found really is to go to the gym and just focus on that. Or really anything but its almost impossible. I have also found now that I look at my spouse differently when it comes to being intimate with her. This is aweful. Its a constint pain everywhere that just wont stop. I know this really isnt an answer. Thanks for letting me just vent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): Well I am so glad that I am not alone!.. I WAS having an affair with a guy that I met from work several years ago and I am trying now to move on.
In the past if anyone would have told me that they were having an affair I would have been disgusted. It's not until you find yourself in a similar situation that you can appreciate how it can so easily happen and how hard it is to get out of, especially if the person you are seeing is your bestfriend.
I have been having an affair for almost 2 years and trying desperately to finally let go.. I have tried in the past but because he has been my "emotional blanket" for so long.
Enough of the sob story as I know now I need to do what is right for me, him and his "other half" and that is to move on and to know if he is truely unhappy he needs to work out what he wants and go it alone before getting anyone else involved. He knows this, he's a grown man and not doing anything or going along with the flow just masks the truth and eventually all parties get hurt...
I think this site is great and I really feel for everyone who is going through the same thing as myself. Things can work out, maybe not as we would wish them to, but just how they are meant to, although this can only happen if we take a few steps back and see the true picture.
Time is a great healer although its hard to believe this when you are starting a new journey and leaving your bestfriend behind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): i should be asleep but i'm glad i found this site. I am 27 years old with two children. i am in the process of a divorce to a man that is 50 years old. we were married 6 years and everything seems good until i met someone that made me realize i am someone special not a house wife and slave. My marriage was good until i got a job 2 years ago. my husband didn't want me to work he wanted me to stay home and keep the house, kids and him up. My kids started school so i started to work. I didn't see anything wrong with that. about 6 months after i started work i met someone who made me feel like someone, and made me happy. Until then i would lay in my bed at night while my husband was on the internet telling another woman my age how he wanted to take care of her. but i wasn't suppose to get upset of that. This other guy that i was talking to only as friends at first.He is married as well. This girl that my husband was talking to worked with me everyday. Then one day something happened at work and she lost her job. She told him it was all my fault and it truly wasn't. I didn't know until i got to work. So things became very bitter between us and he told me he wanted a divorce. I told him i didn't understand. I married him when i was 20 and he was 42. I waited on this man had and foot and took care of the kids alone and kept house and did everything for him. I was so hurt that he would do this over that other woman. Who he said they were just friends. I then grew closer with this guy that i was friends with. He was older than me and owned his own business. He made me happy and we spent every moment we could together over the next year and a half. It became sexual and I am in love with him. He says he is in love with me and that he wants to be with me, however if he tells his wife that he wants to leave she will take him for everything. He says that he is not happy at home. So i can't stop crying long enough to get this out. His wife is on to us now and we have grown apart. not totally but we are not like we were. I try so hard to understand, but i just don't. He says that he is going to always be with me and take care of me, but i told him to please face reality. he either has to leave me or lose everything he has. I am so hurt. he has ask me to please not leave him. i don't know what to do. I love him so much. And when i don't talk to him i am so lonely. The bad thing about it is now i have to work to pay my bills, my husband helps me with nothing not even our kids. I am doing everything on my own. I work with this guy and see him everyday.i am hurting so bad. I have never went through this type of this and i really need some help. you can't talk to people around me because they are so gossipy. everything that i love seems to be taken from me. First my mom when i was 9 she died then my dad when i was 12, then my husband, and now this person. i feel like i have know one that i can talk to. please someone help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): It is never easy to let go, but is it really that much better to keep hanging on? Although it is almost impossible to find the self control to do it, it is better to just let things end on the best note possible rather than beat the relationship until there are only bitter memories that overshadow anything good. And for God's sake, don't call, text or email if the other person says 'enough'! Nothing good will come of it.
I read recently that it isn't really the ended relationship you grieve as much as it is the fantasy version of what could have been.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2009): My turn to cry.
I am in love with my husband and my lover. I keep sending my husband away for a break and then I feel guilty and am unable to see my lover because I feel so bad and sad and such a bad person.
When my husband returns I am off with him and want to run to my lover.
My husband has been unloving and unthoughtful for 4 years and thats why I fell into the arms of someone else.
My lover- the perfect gentleman who treats me like a princess.
What a mess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Hi guys. I'm young, 24. I've been married for nearly 2years (together for 6) and in hindsight I think that I knew I was making a mistake. I love my husband deeply, I'm not in love with him. He is as any husband should be, loving, hard-working, loyal and smart. He should be perfect for me.I'm in love with someone else. Someone who I shouldn't love. I met him when I was 16 and I knew straight away that he was different although I always thought that I was too young to know anything about anything. He approached me (he had a g/f at the time) and for the next 2-3 years he acted like I was his. We would see each other, kiss (nothing more!) We would talk about everything 2 people could ever talk about and then we would go months without any contact. Then we'd see each other again and it would all happen again. I decided when I met my husband that I needed to stay clear of this guy (lets call him Dave) and give myself a shot at finding someone who would put me first. I couldn't face the fact that he hadn't left his g/f and I decided I had wasted enough time.Dave and I stopped talking. We both live in a small town and if we would bump into each other we couldn't even look at each other. Years later, if he would drive by or pass me in the street we would both clam up and have to look the other way. His love life went from bad to worse. He left his g/f and moved on to a married woman but again this didn't last. About 2 months before my wedding, Dave saw my best friend in our local. He told her to give me his number and that we both knew I was making the wrong choice. I ignored it. About 6 months ago, Dave became really ill and was rushed to hospital. As soon as I heard I felt so sick. I knew that for whatever reason, I had to speak to him and find out that he was ok. I think I would have died if anything had a happened to him. I txt him and said that I'd heard what happedened and that I hoped he was ok. We have spoken nearly every day since. We have both been going out more than we ever have and I know that on my part it is because I want to see him. We have never slept together! When we saw each other again for the 1st time, I don't think anything could have kept us apart. We kissed and sat up just like we used to, it was like the years had just vanished. I know that Dave and I will always have a connection, it will simply always be there but Dave is not reliable. He can't tell me how he feels about me unless he's been out, he is very emotionally immature, he also seems intimidated by me at times and throws up every barrier possible to keep me out. I know that he probably isn't right for me and I know that I need to break away from him. The thought though brings me to tears. I'm writing this to you because if I don't I think I might explode. I feel so raw and emotional. I know this maybe doesn't cast a shaddow on the experiences you all may have had but this has been an emotional affair with possibly the only man who has ever really captured my heart and I'm so scared that it will always only be him that can do it. I never took my phone today for the first day in a long time and I'm struggling. I know that if I don't let go now then it is going to consume me.
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reader, Mags 1  +, writes (18 February 2009):
Dear last anon reader - if you want to contact me directly here at Dear Cupid then please please do! Your story mimics mine so very much that I could feel all your pain - exactly like I did and to a certain extent still do. It has just changed as time has a habit of changing things. Please take care wherever you are - I reach out and hug you.Mags x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): Mags and the others, I cried and felt so sad reading all this. I have been in a lonely marriage for 13 yrs, and began an affair in August with a fantastic, funny, handsome man who pursued me and fell in love with me. He has been married for a similar length of time and we both have two children. He and his wife had a two yr separation 10 years ago, and his wife had an affair some time ago with a friend of his. They stayed together, she blamed him for neglecting him, and since then have led separate but friendly lives. Anyway, we fell in love, seeing each other nearly every day, texting madly and discovering many links which drew us close. I resisted falling for him, in some ways, and played it fairly cool, but he professed I was his soul-mate, played songs talking of a future, and I knew I had found love for the first time. I never asked him to leave her,I just enjoyed what we had. I anticipated separating from my husband in due course and maybe he would - they had coolly discussed an eventual separation on several ocasions prior to me. And maybe then we would gradually get together.But..she found a text, he immediately came to me and was desperate not to end things, blaming her, looking at flats etc. Oddly she told him to carry on, discreetly, saying she could not give him love or happiness. Turns out she had tried to rekindle her old fling but was rejected. I of course said it was a ploy to avoid losing her lifestlye, he kept begging me to take the chance she had given us. I pushed him away, thinking it was a bit them against me, and he said, yes we should stop, but remain friends and try to bide our time. He said she suddenly went beserk then again told him to go for it -as she had struggled for years with still being in love with her affair man after it ended. I begged him to come back and he did, twice over the next week, whilst saying he felt close to breakdown. About three weeks ago he was discussing a future for us, coming home to me, protecting me, a proper relationship. He said he loved me deeply. Then, out of the blue, he texts me saying he adores me, that is the problem, but that he cannot cope with the mental strain, the kids etc. He has made a committment to support his wife through a course, then he thinks they will probably split. I have tried so hard not to contact him, I have done so though, by text. Just missing you, thinking of you ones, nothing barmy. No response at all. He said he would never stop loving me, what am I to do? I have seen him in his car, it is torture. I miss him, I know I did not help and maybe pushed him away, and I know if he loved me enough he would still see me secretly. I still do not expect him to leave her for me, that has to happen if it is destined to. I understand his confusion, but suddenly no contact. I am in a terrible state. I know it is self-inflicted, and I feel guilt. But overwhelmingly I know I have lost my soul-mate, my happy ending. Nearly three weeks, and I still cling to some hope that he will suddenly contact me. I even saw a psychic, despite being sceptical. I gave nothing away and she 'saw'him and said he will be back.. awful ,now I have more vain hope. Does he miss me, how can he not have a weak moment? He told me he does not have love now, but has peace. Back to their separate lives, he says, seeing what happens. I feel lost and abandoned and no better now than three weeks ago. I keep trying to find sites about how to get him back. How pathetic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): I have been married for 14 years, and the past couple years I haven't been happy. A few months ago, I had gone out with some girlfriends and met this guy and in slowly ended up in an affair. He is younger and doesn't even live in the same city which makes it even harder. I don't hear from him for days, but when we are together he makes me think that I am very special. Just after New Year's I told him I didn't think I could see him anymore, but we were still in contact, then all of a sudden nothing. I had phone him and he said he was scared he was falling for me. I had thought that was the end, then he started to text me and msn me. So, I asked if I could come see him in his town, and spent 3 glorious days with him, and then now again I haven't really heard from him. Then I got drunk one night and was msn, although I wasn't really. I had started to write something and then started to delete it and then accidently sent it. I sent a sorry. Then the next day he msn me with a "what in the world" I said sorry, I was out of town for a funeral and had a little too much to drink (which was true) then nothing again. Not even a sorry for your loss, and now nothing again. I miss him and want so badly to get back in touch with him, but one hand I know I should just let it go. Then there is my marriage, my husbands drinks, and being with this other man made me realize that my husband and I have nothing in common, and in fact have had never really had any intimacy at all to the point were I would like to leave him, but I am worried that my thoughts might be skewed because of my affair. I am so happy to have found this site, it has made me feel a lot better, listening to others. I don't really want to be divorced especially for my kids, and although I don't think the other guy would be there, but what we shared is what I want in a relationship, that I don't think my husband can give as it was never there to begin with. Do you find that you were still able to find something that wasn't there in the first place.
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reader, thefool +, writes (5 February 2009):
Hello Mags and Others,Last week, I mailed some gift to him and had a brife phone call and IM with him, it was all friednly, he was asking me what is the gift for? and Why? I did not have answer, I just said "nothing special". Those are good questions that I did not have answers for, I did not know why I still buy gift after I meanly told him "do not contact me in any ways, and I really need time to get over this". He respect me and stayed no contact. It helps. i am doing better everyday. Yet, I missed seeing, talking to him. I missed all his "Smart Ass" comments and all the wonderful time that we had. However, I love him enough to let him go find his happiness. I love him enough to keep him in deep my heart which hold a very special place for him forever, it will not be pain, it will be wonderful memories and smailes labeled with his handsome face and prefect figure. It would be too selfish for me to bother him and interrupt him while he is ready to move on. So I started thinking about it positively, it give me a new angle to think about the whole thing. I do not blame him and I do not blame myself either, it was just happened because it was human nature. I chresh the experience and am glad that I ever had that wonderful in my life although it was way too short than what I wanted it to be (life time). I now see this thing as the same loss when I lost my grandma and grandpa, It is nothing we can do, thingd including our livese run its own course and comes to an end. All we have to do is to accept it. I started talking to my husband honestly about what I am not happy in regards of our marriage, I wanted improve our sex life with him, I will not tell him anything about the affair. -- never because he does not deserv to suffer it. I will carry this privately to the last day of my life. Amazingly I started realize that I have been spoilled by my loving husband for the past 20 years, he loves me so much that I do not know how to cheish it, like a spoiled child does not know how to treasure whatever he got. I hope this provide some help to some of you, maybe my situation is a little differnt from yours. I have read a story online last night, I would like to share this with you: Anatomy of My Affair, 2000s, by ReBeliever. : http://memoryarchive.org/en/Anatomy_of_My_Affair,_2000s,_by_ReBelieverI would like to read some feedback from anyone. To me, I believe it is real, and this kind of affair experience can totally destroy ones future. For everyone in the same boat, I recommand:1. Cherish the experience2. Do not blame anyone, it is noone's fault, you are luck to experience the special love. Be thankful to your lover3. Believe it ended the best way it could haveHope this helps.JM
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reader, thefool +, writes (5 February 2009):
Hello Mags and Others,Last week, I mailed some gift to him and had a brife phone call and IM with him, it was all friednly, he was asking me what is the gift for? and Why? I did not have answer, I just said "nothing special". Those are good questions that I did not have answers for, I did not know why I still buy gift after I meanly told him "do not contact me in any ways, and I really need time to get over this". He respect me and stayed no contact. It helps. i am doing better everyday. Yet, I missed seeing, talking to him. I missed all his "Smart Ass" comments and all the wonderful time that we had. However, I love him enough to let him go find his happiness. I love him enough to keep him in deep my heart which hold a very special place for him forever, it will not be pain, it will be wonderful memories and smailes labeled with his handsome face and prefect figure. It would be too selfish for me to bother him and interrupt him while he is ready to move on. So I started thinking about it positively, it give me a new angle to think about the whole thing. I do not blame him and I do not blame myself either, it was just happened because it was human nature. I chresh the experience and am glad that I ever had that wonderful in my life although it was way too short than what I wanted it to be (life time). I now see this thing as the same loss when I lost my grandma and grandpa, It is nothing we can do, thingd including our livese run its own course and comes to an end. All we have to do is to accept it. I started talking to my husband honestly about what I am not happy in regards of our marriage, I wanted improve our sex life with him, I will not tell him anything about the affair. -- never because he does not deserv to suffer it. I will carry this privately to the last day of my life. Amazingly I started realize that I have been spoilled by my loving husband for the past 20 years, he loves me so much that I do not know how to cheish it, like a spoiled child does not know how to treasure whatever he got. I hope this provide some help to some of you, maybe my situation is a little differnt from yours. I have read a story online last night, I would like to share this with you: Anatomy of My Affair, 2000s, by ReBeliever. I would like to read some feedback from anyone. To me, I believe it is real, and this kind of affair experience can totally destroy ones future. For everyone in the same boat, I recommand:1. Cherish the experience2. Do not blame anyone, it is noone's fault, you are luck to experience the special love. Be thankful to your lover3. Believe it ended the best way it could haveHope this helps.JM
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (5 February 2009):
Hi Anon lady aged 42! This is Mags here. Not been on for ages and ages because I have been communicating with some of the others separately from main site. We have all been to hell and back and back to hell at times. Just communicating with others in a similar situation has helped me beyond belief. Such kind and warm people out there.
But some of you may be wondering how things are. It is nearly 4 months since that dreadful, dreadful 13 October 2008 - will never forget that day or the feelings I experienced after. I am obviously further along in my journey but nowhere near at the end - if there is an end? My guy's marriage broke down just before Xmas and his wife left him for her old boyfriend taking their daughter away. She has blamed his affair and other dalliances despite the fact she knew and allowed it to happen. He has been back in contact with me (after 7 weeks of no contact) and continues to seek 'emotional' support from me. He is also now seeing somebody else from his past although it is total rebound. But it kills me - I know I am married but he has chosen somebody else.
I could go on and on but the bottom line is - I have been very very hurt and sometimes at the bottom of a black hole. My marriage became rocky around New Year and I sympathise with you on treating your family badly - it is normal but we both know how destructive that is for them and ultimately ourselves. Take baby steps. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. You are not a bad person at all. Just a very hurt person who needs to find their way again.
I am no expert - just trying to sort myself out and what will make me happy. I don't know the answer myself yet because I am still fighting the demons. I miss him beyond belief. Although I still have some contact now and again it is not the same. He sees me as a friend - but I still remember what we had.... it's tough!
Keep going forwards.
Mags x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): I am so happy that I have find this site! My story is exactly the same as Sue's. I had this affair with my co-worker, who is 11 years younger than me (I am 42 and he is 31) and I was shocked to see Sue's post. It was almost identical t mine, it ended because I can not provide what he wants. In fact he has moved to a different city, we do not see each other at work. that really helped. I think it ended the best way it could have. I even helped him find his current girlfriend, but it hurts badly to think about he is holding someone else and making love to someone else. --- But I could not stop to think about things like that. The local resturants that we have gone, the office, the street,-- you name it, everything reminder me of him. He invited me to his new place around thinksgiving time, i stayed there for three days, but at that time he was ready to move on. I was almost escaped home. It was a nightmare to be with him when his mind was not there for me. Anyways, he still want to be friend, we still exchange IMs. I sent him a little gift last week, when he received, he was asking me 'what is this for? why do you send me gift?". It feel so weird. I do not know how to answer him, just told him that "nothing special" I knew I have not let go completely. I have decided to block him from my contact list, we are not IM again. Think back, I think he is not that special, it is just because he made me feel special, i miss that feeling, yes, he is nice, handsome and friendly. But my husband is much nicer, the main thing he is better is the sex that we had. I just can not find the excitment from my marriage, I have a caring husband who loves me whole heartly. I did not tell my husband, but I have been very crapy at hime, very mean to my husband and my kids. They almost scared of me. I have made damage to the replationship to my kids and that maybe un reversable. --shame on me, what a stupid and selfish Mum they have! I feel guilty, ashamed and of course depressed. I was wondering Sue, Mag, DBBI, are you still around? How are you guys doing? Have you gotten over it? Can you share some light on the dark road? How far away to see the sunshine again?THANKS to everyone's sharing and support here!
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reader, Trishmm1 +, writes (5 January 2009):
I have just been reading back through all of the postings, and would like to say it does help to know I am not alone on how I feel. I wrote back in June when I told my married lover I had to end it, the pain was great but I stuck to my guns for a month with no contact. He then text me, and, to cut a long story short we resumed the affair. It was so good to have him back in my life and although I knew it was all false and based on lies, I kept lying to myself that things would change. At the end of October his wife found a text from me on his phone and all hell broke loose. He banned me from texting him but e mailed me instead, We did continue to see each other for lunch a few times, (he said he still wanted too) but nothing else, so just a few days before Xmas I told him once again, we had to finish. He does not really fight to keep me in his life, which I know is telling me I am doing the right thing, but it hurts all the same, all the things he said to me in the past, how special I am to him, how he loves me etc etc., yet he seems to be able to let go so easily . I did weaken a couple of times and sent him an e mail and text but of course, no reply, that in itself hurts enough. He will not text me again as he is too afraid of his wife seeing it on the phone bill. I know he is not 100% happy with her and I know if I had not had ended it we would have still been communicating, but to what end? I spend hours alone chewing myself up about him, but him? Well he gets on with his life I guess. So I am determined to try and do the same. It is strange how so many of us are feeling exactly the same things, I am not so good at putting them down in words, but some of you are really reflecting the pain I am going through right now.It feels like an amputation at the moment, which I know in itself is crazy, but I just cannot find anyway to understand how two people can get on so well not just physically but all other ways, and yet just not be together......I am single, and although have lots of good friends, cannot find a way to get through this, so this site helps, Thankyou to all who have shared TMx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): WHat do you do if you love the man and he loves you...how do you tell him that you can't leave your husband? What do you say to him? I am married and he is not...I feel so badly leaving him lonely!
I have been so lonely in my marriage. You can be lonely as a single person but I think being married and lonely is th the lonlieast of all.
My hubby is such a flirt. he does it with EVERYONE around him. He just can't help it...I guess...but anyway, I have been so alone for so long and did not realize it until I started pursuing this man. I knew he liked me but he was NEVER out of the way with me. He would always say, Your married...your husband loves you(which I don't feel that way...or rather, he doesn't love me the way I want to be loved and I don't mean physically)
anyway, after 6 months of just being casual aquaintences, we moved to a much more deeper relationsip. He is such an opposite from hubby...laid back nad more of an introvert...hubbyis high strung and an extrovert.
We've been together for about a year now and for some reason, I just can't bring myself to leave my husband for him. I don't know why except that I am afraid. My hubby is cruel and overbearing and I don't know why I won't leave.
We did separate for a couple of months because he was a little too friendly with one of his coworkers...of course it was nothing, but I am so tired of his flirting...we've been married for 12 years and it just plain gets old. Why is it that I have to be the one to get over something all the time that he is doing. i guess that is how I jusify my relationship with this other man.
anyway, I want to know what you told your affair partner when it was over and you just coulnd't leave your husband or wife, whatever your situation. I would love to continue but I know it is not fair to my boyfriend...he needs to be free to move on and find happiness with someone who doesn't have marital baggage....man that hurts just typing that! But I don't want ot be selfish anymore.
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reader, smudgecat +, writes (4 December 2008):
Hi
It is now almost 3 months since he dumped me and a year exactly since we had our first tentative phone call. I wrote a while ago explaining that he was my boyfriend when I was 18, he lives abroad and got in touch after 28 years. We emailed and quickly things escalated and we met and ...
Since we broke up we have kept in contact by email - he far less than me of course, and we have spoken twice since it ended, but not for the past 7 weeks.
I am pleased to tell you that I am feeling better, stronger.
I emailed him today to complain (the direct approach!) that he is ignoring me as I wanted to speak to him and had received no response to a text, and received a warm and friendly email in response. I want us to be friends, even though it will have to be secret. I told him that I am no longer in love with him, and no longer want a sexual liaison with him. And I think I just about mean it. I have been working hard on my marriage and have been having a lot of sex with my husband, and it has helped. In 24 years he has learned how to please me and no matter how much I wanted my secret lover it was never as good, if I am honest. So I feel like this episode is pretty much over for me, but if it means I have him as a friend then that is a positive outcome. The only problem is that I seem to be feeling increasingly guilty for what I have done and wish I could tell my husband and have his forgiveness, but I am afraid he would be so hurt that it would be a very unwise move. So I shall have to live with my dangerous secret and hope to God that the friends who know will do the same. What tangled webs we weave....
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): The worst day of my life came when he told me - through tears - that he had confessed to his wife and that he didn't think we should see each other anymore. He was my boss at the time and he avoided contact with me, was even downright rude at times to me... for a few months.
I was very quiet the whole time. I would sometimes ask him how things were going and he'd tell me how counseling was working so well and how he was so in love with his wonderful wife. It hurt to hear it but I would always try to smile and tell him how happy I was for him. And truly, as much as I hated every moment and as hard as it was just to get out of bed every morning, I respected what he was doing. But eventually somehow things started up again, although now the affair is nothing like the warm, fun, deep friendship we once had. Now things feel more sneaky; now more than ever I am reluctant to trust him and his feelings for me. I mourn what we once had.
As I'm sure so many of you can empathize, I really did and still do love the guy. But I know this relationship isn't going to go anywhere and I wish so much that I could get over him. It is so hard to let go of the happy times we once had together. I stay busy and I pray and read all kinds of books and websites like this one... but so often I just miss talking with him. He really is a great guy.
One thing I never realized about affairs, before I became involved in one myself, is how much of a role your life history and background can play. Sometimes it seems an affair is years in the making, long before you even know the other person. Neglect, abuse, rejection, illness, crises... all of these things from my history worked together to "tip the scales", so to speak. There's nothing like being with another person who will listen to you and love you and have fun with you when you don't even realize how lonely and vulnerable you are.
By the way, I liked what MotownPhilly wrote about thinking the moment through. I always feel good when I'm with my affair partner, but then afterward I feel guilty and sometimes more lonely and resentful than before.
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reader, MotownPhilly +, writes (4 December 2008):
First of all, know that you are not alone. I've been going through something so similar and am so glad that I found this site! I am married and had been having an affair for 2 years with a married woman. Neither of us has children and the chemistry was instantaneous. The time seemed right for us as neither of us had children and we simply related on so many levels that we didn't have with our spouses.Well fast forward to one month ago when she told me she didn't want to continue to see me. I am devastated. I'm even more devastated because she seems to be doing absolutely fine. I don't understand because I am having a horrible time going back to my marriage and she seems to be moving on with her husband like nothing happened. Both of us had told each other we thought we were with the wrong people and yet now she seems perfectly happy in her life without me and I can barely get out of bed. Barely function.I'm going back and forth myself about whether to email or call or just have no contact. You sound like you generally have become much more stable after one month than even me! My advice to you (and to myself?) is that you are not going to get anywhere continuing to call him and he is only going to find that he misses you or that he wants anything from you if you give him space and don't contact him. I KNOW how difficult it is to resist the temptation. I found a good analogy from AA which is that every time an alchoholic craves a drink, he is told to "think the moment through" and think past that initial high of having a drink to how terrible he will feel after and how awful it will be trying to start from zero to quit again. SO when you want to call him, breathe and "think the moment through". Think beyond the initial relief of talking to him and think longer term. What good will it do you? You will crave talking to him MORE afterwards and be back at square one.Also, you haven't said what YOU want from him. Do you want to be in a relationship with him? Do you want to leave your relationship? Do you want him to get divorced? You need to find the answers to these questions as well. So do I.I feel for you greatly though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): Oh I feel for you because I have been there. Another site I wrote to along a similar line suggested looking up the 12 steps (google it)...as it is an addiction..under normal circumstances there is no way you would put up with being treated like that. You are vulnerable so go easy on yourself, the come down from all the flattery can be hard.
There are a few good books..Paul McKenna Heal your broken heart and I think I read one called 'he is not that into you' which was good. Please reply if you would like to talk some more..perhaps we could both set up anonymous email addresses to help each other? Anyway reply back if you are interested, otherwise good luck x
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (28 November 2008):
Mags here! My feelings mirror JV so very much - I feel and felt exactly the same thing. It is interesting hearing from somebody who stopped the affair and then 2 months later regretted that decision ... just gave me a tiny moment of thinking - does he ever wonder if he made the right decision?I'll never ever know but just hearing from somebody on the other side of the fence was actually very interesting and helpful. So whoever you are 'anon man' - thank you from a heart broken Mags.
Nearly 7 weeks of no contact - stomach still in that churny place ...I miss him still.Wrapping my arms around myself - a bit of self love!
Take care each and every one of you
Mags x
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reader, JV +, writes (27 November 2008):
Initially, yes, he explained what was going on - i.e. that he had made the choice to stick with his family because he would miss his son too much and felt there was enough left to try and salvage before giving up on the marriage completely. He was already in his marriage - his decision had in a way been made years ago when he got married and decided to start a family, and he felt he should give it a chance before throwing it away. He made it clear he still had feelings for me and was struggling to get over them, but that he "knew where he wanted to be" and had to sever contact to give his marriage a chance of working. Although this all makes complete sense and if I weren't emotionally involved I would probably have given him that advice myself, unsurprisingly, this hasn't helped much in terms of getting over him - just feel jealous of his wife and feel like she has won. Which is stupid and irrational, because she most certainly is not a winner in this whole situation.It's interesting to hear things from the other side of the fence - i.e. people who are married and can't bring themselves to leave their other halves and therefore have to stop their affair (even though they have regrets/miss their affair partner and realise they're hurting them badly). I often picture him back with his wife, happily rekindling their marriage and me completely forgotten, in spite of his declarations of love and his constantly telling me how much better a match we were than him and his wife. Shows these things really aren't clear-cut, but that once the decision was made, he was determined to give it his best shot and that sadly involved cutting me out completely. Am still feeling so hurt and angry. I have good days when I feel quite strong and like I don't care anymore, and then it comes back and hits me as hard as ever. I still battle with myself re. making contact - often come so close to sending him a message telling him how much I miss him and then narrowly manage to stop myself doing it. Think a stupid part of me thinks that if he realises how much I care, he might change his mind - even though I know that isn't the case. In reality he'll just get pissed off with me for damaging his efforts to fix his marriage and in any event won't reply.This is the hardest thing ever. Hope you guys are doing better than me...x
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): It is the same for us guys too! Had and affair for five years, she knew what she was getting into. Asked me everyday to leave my partner but I didnt, something wouldnt let me so in July I stopped it and called it off. Two months went by and over that time I realised I had made a very big mistake and I wanted her back, too late she has someone else. It kills me. I have been the ex from hell until last night I managed to get her to tell me why she wouldnt get back with the me the supposed love of her life after she has been with her new fella for only a few weeks. It was becasue I rejected her for so long, now I understand it and have heard it from her, I feel calmer and can ceal with my full time relationship.
I sympathise with you ladies I couldnt eat or sleep and work was out of control. Gotta get a grip before I lose everything.
Have either of you affair partners actually explained to you what happened and how they are feeling, because as you both have said its the not knowing and the what if's that really hurt?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): I feel like everything I have read is speaking to me. Except one thing...I am married and have been having an affair with a single man who absolutely loves me for the last two years. I was separated from my husband because of work when it began and I lived in secret with this man for 6 months. When it came time for my husband to move to where I was, I didn't stop him from doing so and have lived with him, loving someone else for a year and a half. My husband knows and has vowed to never leave me unless I tell him to go...and I can't tell him to do this. The rational part of me knows the affair is so wonderful because it is an exciting, part time non reality excursion. But, my whole being misses him like a needle needs a vein. He is finally fed up with me and not speaking to me. I am devastated and relieved at the same time. Devastated because I don't know how I get through my days without talking to him 5 and 6 times a day, relieved because I knew who every time we talked I was killing him. I don't know why for the life of me I can't leave my husband. WHY?! We do not have kids together, but have children from another marriage that live with us. I can't bring myself to be divorced again. The problem is, we haven't had sex in two years and I can't bring myself to do this. Why this man hasn't left me, I will never ever understand. I hate...literally hate myself. I want to go on, to be normal to get over this affair and have hopes and dreams again but I have not been able to do this. I pray for everyone going through this horrible, terrible thing and I pray for your families. I am destroying myself, my family and the man I am having this affair with. I know how alone he is and without me in his life, he has no one. He is 40 years old and never been married, no kids and he spends his days working and playing sports. I know he saw me as the one to be his partner and share his life with...we were both so lonely. I don't want to hurt him and I can't make the final move with my husband. My inability to be a grown up is hurting everyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): Sue here again! I just had a thought and I am pissed. He doesn't deserve my love. I gave everything to him and he rejected me. Why I am I crying over him? He doesn't want me anymore and I am so much more than he even deserves. I shouldn't do this to myself, if he truly loved me, he would make the choice to be with me. He didn't, so why am I putting myself through all this heartache? I looked in the mirror tonight and I realized, even if my marriage doesn't last, he is not what I want, if he was he would still be there for me. Don't get me wrong, these feelings may not last, but for the moment, I am mad. Lets get strong girls, we deserve better!! Thanks Mags, you give me hope! Be strong, you are worth more than you were given.
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (22 November 2008):
Oh Sue - I feel your pain and heartache so very much. I cried when I read your message as it reflected mine as well. We just have to get through this - we just have to. We cannot go back although we want to badly.They say no contact is the only way and although I hate it I do believe it. But I never in a million trillion years realised it would feel like this.The fact that they are out there carrying on with their lives and we are no longer part of it anymore - it really hurts doesn't it? We have to be able to let them go. We also need to be able to carry on living ourselves. We must be strong and carry ourselves with dignity - hold up our heads and love ourselves. It is so hard. Find a really gorgeous picture of yourself - look at it - and realise that you are a very special beautiful person. Believe it and believe in yourself. You can do it - but it is also probably one of the hardest things we all have to do. Brave words - but I am not so good at it either. I try and each day is another day forwards. Take care - this is not an easy road at all.Mags x
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): Sue again, I think the people that seem calm or act as if they are over it are just "faking it". There is a saying "fake it until you make it". I have tried this, but it doesn't seem to work for me. I do okay, I don't cry all the time, but he is constantly in my thoughts. I wonder where he is, what he is doing, does he miss me? He is single, so I worry that he has met someone new, does he like her more than me? Have I been replaced in his heart? I can't imagine him with another woman, it crushes me. To think he is getting over me and moving on with his life is almost to much to bare.
My husband loves me, he takes care of me, he is the one I depend on. Why can't I give him back my heart? My husband is handsome and hardworking. All my friends think I am crazy and have told me they are just waiting in line to take him if I am stupid enough to leave him. The thing about my affair partner is that he was very playful and affectionate, things my husband is not. They say an affair partner usually has one or two things your spouse does not and that is exactly the case with me. My affair partner can be a bit lazy and I know that if I was with him on a day-to-day basis this would drive me crazy.
I don't know why I am so drawn to him, maybe it is what we have all said before, the "what if" just kills us. We didn't get to see if it would be bad or not, so we are plagued by questions of what life would be like if we had got the chance to try and live out our dream with our new love. I just pray that time will be the healer it is suppose to be, I can't imagine living with this kind of pain for very much longer.
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reader, JV +, writes (22 November 2008):
What I don't understand, however much I think about it, is how some people manage to stay calm and rational about these things and get over them relatively quickly, and others (me included) struggle to get past them for goodness knows how long. Is it really the same for them and they just don't talk about it, or hae they genuinely been able to put it behind them quickly? I don't get it, but wish I were someone who could forget and move on, because this is miserable.Everything you say is right - the grass wouldn't be greener and even though we feel like saying - you're the one, come back to me - deep down we know it probably isn't true. I say probably, because it's the feeling like you'll never know for sure which is the killer.Good luckx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): Sue here, I know exactly how you feel Mags. I went to therapy this Wednesday, but it just made me miss him more. I texted him to tell him I went to therapy and he wrote me back. He told me it would get better, it has too. I don't know if he meant that for me or for himself, but I know it is over for him. He wants something that I can't give, a baby and a marriage built on honesty. What we had was a lie built on cheating. I saw him today at work and it felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest. I will write more later, right now I just want to drink wine and cry. Will this pain ever end????? Sometimes I just want to run to him and tell him "You're the one, I want you", but I know that is not the truth . . . the grass is not greener, I just need to water the grass in my own yard. I hope the saying that time heals all wounds holds true, I guess only time will tell. Thank you all for your words. They really do help, it is comforting to know I am not alone in how I feel.
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (21 November 2008):
Hi - Mags here. Just to let you know that it is now 6 weeks of no contact.I have stuck rigidly to my guns but at what cost to my mental and physical well being!
Still miss him beyond belief and I still cry - all the websites I have seen about grieving over heartache say 2-3 weeks maybe longer for a longterm relationship break up! Well I was in an emotional and physical relationship for 8 months - that is all - just 8 months so why am I still grieving? Is it because I am having to deal with this alone (apart from all of you out there!)and that doubles the time?!
I am working on my marriage. I have told my husband what has been missing (he does not know about my affair).I was missing someone tell me I was beautiful and that I was loved. My affair gave me all of that ten fold - he always told me how gorgeous I was and therefore fed the emotional void in my marriage. Things were always OK at home but since the affair was over it highlighted why I had done it in the first place. So the upshot is - my husband is now giving me all the compliments and tells me how much he loves me and I truly believe he does and he just finds it difficult to say it. However, this will sound awful - when my affair told me the same things he said it with such an intensity and such meaning that it was just so special - I just want to feel that with my husband. I am sure it will in time.
My stomach still churns and I have a tightness in my chest. I recognise that this is withdrawal from the contact I had with him - and I am fighting every single day to remain in control. Sometimes I say out loud 'He does not deserve my tears. He does not deserve my love. He does not deserve someone to be so upset over him. I will get over this. I will!' and similar words - sometimes I swear and that helps - a lot!
I will never do anything so reckless and with such abondon ever again. It is not in my nature to tell lies and be deceitful - just goes to show! I have learnt my lesson - big time. But - I miss him still - even when I think really nasty thoughts to forget him! I know time is a healer. I know all the things people have written from what a terrible thing to do - to this will heal, I hope it does I really do because sometimes I find myself sliding back down into the hole with no way out. How can one human being out of the millions walking the earth have such a profound effect on the way I think!
I am wrapping my arms around myself and putting a smile on my face and each day is a new challenge. We are only here once so I intend to enjoy the rest of it!
Mags x
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reader, JV +, writes (20 November 2008):
Hey, very quick one as it's late. I've been really tussling with myself - keep tricking myself into thinking that, maybe if I send one more email and explain how I'm feeling, how much I miss him and care about him, he'll change his mind. But he won't, he'll just hate me more for sabotaging his efforts to fix his marriage. It hurts so so much, why do I feel this way, and how has he managed to shut down when I can't?Going to sleep now, but just know that you're not the only one struggling and hurting. I wish we could still be friends, but I also know that wouldn't be enough and I really want it to be like it was before. It is so hard.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): I been having affair for 12 years the last 2 years he has been making up excuses. I seen him 2 months ago that day I see him I could feel it was over. Well I haven't seen him for 2 months see we was around 40 when we started the affair we in our 50s now. Well I got thinking he owes me in explantation so I did email him he wrote me back told me his nerves could not stand the pressure anymore he was sorry he hurt me. So you see learn from this don't have in affair it isn't worth the heartache and pain of it. You don't need this guy if he cared he would show it he wants out of it that is the first sign of in affair excuses get out don't go back to him it's going to leave you in pain like i'm. believe me when they make excuses there are ready to go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Sue again . . . tough day for me. I wanted to cave in so many times. The pull to call him is so strong. Today I actually thought "He's my soulmate, I have to tell him, I have to have him back"! I feel so trapped in my marriage, which is strange because my husband is so sweet, dependable and handsome. When this affair started 3 years ago, I began to withdrawal so much at home that it is hard to get back any feeling now. I don't feel attracted to my husband anymore, which is so strange because he and I use to have such grea chemistry. My husband and I have only been together sexual twice in the last two years and I don't know how to get back my desire for him. I worry that the intimacy between us will never return. I miss all the things I had with my affair partner, the snuggling, kissing . . . a real connection that felt like it could never end. I asked my affair partner to ignore all my attempts at contacting him 14 days ago and he has, I feel like he never wanted me in the first place and I am so hurt. What if he was "the one"? What if I never feel like I did with him again?
I feel stupid, because I know better than anyone that fireworks die down and it would have never lasted if we saw each other everyday with all the problems of real life, but I still dream that it would be different with him. I feel so out of control with my emotions and pray for this torture and pain to end. I hope it does soon, my heart is so heavy with grief, I can hardly stand it any longer. I don't sound nearly as strong as I did 3 days ago, but as you said, it comes in waves. I see my shrink tomorrow and hope that he will offer me some much needed guidance. Take care everyone!
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reader, JV +, writes (18 November 2008):
This site is my therapy too! It's very difficult because for me it comes and goes in waves. I'll think I'm doing ok and then - sometimes for no apparent reason at all, sometimes because of something I see or do that reminds me of him - I'm a mess again.
Well done for not buckling and contacting him. I did it quite a few times and was ignored, and it ended up making me feel worse than if I'd just fought through it. Now I know I'll never make that mistake again. Even though I'd love to be in touch with him, I know it won't work and if you slip up, it re-opens all the wounds and (if as in my case you get no response), is like an additional kick in the stomach you really didn't need. I've finally accepted that he can't help me get over this - being in touch with him just made it worse even back when he did reply to emails - I need to do this alone and cut him out completely.
I find it helpful to go on this site if I think I'm about to have a wobble - hearing of others going through the same thing and reading everyone's words of support and encouragement really help me to keep to my resolve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Oh JV, it's Sue, so true, so true! I wanted to call him on the way home, tell him I missed his friendship and just wanted to talk, so I called a girlfriend instead. She quickly told me this would be a bad idea and talked me out of it, I am so glad I didn't do it! It is so hard to be strong when I miss him so badly, I can't believe the person I become when it comes to him, so needy and sad. Thanks for your words, it helps so much to know I am not alone. I know I will get better in time, but as of now, I still have him on my mind at least 70% of my waking hours. I constantly have to tell myself he is not right for me, even if I were single, he is not the type of person I could live a lifetime with. I will be back to read and write more, this is my therapy right now!
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reader, JV +, writes (17 November 2008):
I've just managed a full week of no contact and, although I've done that before, I've always still had the hope of meeting up with him again or returning to some kind of contact. A week ago we had a horrible conversation which finally ended my hope, and although that tore me apart inside, I now see that I had to stop hoping in order to recover. After that call I deleted all his emails and texts, including those with photos. I've been holding on to some of those for over a year, since last August, they included the very first tentative email exchanges we shared. Pressing delete was so hard but I'm so glad I've done it - now I can accept it's over and finished and there will be no temptation to re-read and start tricking myself into thinking those times will come back.
For those of us where the decision to end was made by the other, we have to be proud enough not to accept being second choice. For those of us who were strong enough to see the affair for what it was - ie not sustainable in the long term, I admire you for being so strong and having the courage to do the right thing, even though it hurts. Stick to your guns.
Sue, you're right - every time you stumble and weaken by making contact you're back to square one. This is why I will never contact him again - I want to get better and find my happiness again. I can't go back to where I was, full of pointless hope followed by disappointment and despair.
You're also right that an affair is not a real relationship and even though the idea of being with your lover seems like a dream come true, if it were transferred into reality it would eventually become the same as every long term relationship, the excitement would fade and the stresses of normal life would quickly tarnish the "magic".
It's just tough, because the magic of an affair makes you feel so alive, so good about yourself and everything around you, so full of hope and excitement. And turning your back on that in exchange for normal life is depressing and sad. Especially when you have to leave behind someone you cared about and who had become an important and close friend. I guess we just have to hope that once the heady blur of the affair has faded we can find a more solid, real and permanent happiness with people who truly love us and put us first in their lives. And who would never hurt us as those people we fell for have done.
No contact is tough but it's the only way forward if we want to recover. And we owe it to ourselves to get better and appreciate the good things in our lives - and stop tricking ourselves into believing these men were our only chance of happiness. They might have made us happy, but it isn't certain, and what is certain is that the infatuation would not have lasted. We'd then be back where we started, but having left chaos and hurt behind us.
Just wish it weren't so hard and I didn't miss him so much.
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (17 November 2008):
Hi - all good advice and I agree. You are right - if he truly cared for me he would be here for me now but he isn't. Moving away from the memories is so so hard. Loss of contact is still hard - I also have an ache inside which changes from my stomach to my chest to my head! If this is what withdrawal is like I never want to have this again - ever!
Take care all
Mags x
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): well i no what you are going threw with. i had a 12 year affair.iam going threw hell and back you can say. listen leave him alone if he care he would be there for you. he used you like my lover did me. it takes time to heal move on let this be lesson to you and me? I never want to play this game again. We all like the attention love..sex but its not worth it fine some one who cares for you not someone can use you....Teressa
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Mags, it's Sue. I struggle with missing him all the time. I get knots in my stomach and long to have him with me, he was so affectionate and fun. I miss him so much, but I know the life I would have with him would have all the bumps and struggles that my life has now, just on the other side of the fence. When you invest all your time and energy into the affair partner, you will lose interest in your marriage, how can you help it. Don't expect love with your spouse to just come back over night. It took time to drift apart, it will take time to drift back together. There are two great books I have read, one is "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful" and the other is called " Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity", both have help me so much.It's not an easy road, I still drive by his house, wonder where he is, who he is with. I ache thinking he will meet someone he loves more than me, get married have a family of his own. But those are good things, he deserves that life, not the complicated baggage filled one he would have with me.I took a HUGE step and got rid of all reminders, cards, letters, e-mails, jewelry, pictures. It was tough, but I have to remind myself that this is just an addiction, life with him would not be any better than the one I have now. He was young and single and our time together was filled with fun times. I paid for most everything because I have two salaries. I bought him clothes, jewelry, an x-box 360. I spoiled him rotten. What would life with him be like when we couldn't eat out everyday and go and play all the time and I couldn't afford to buy him expense gifts. What would he think of my 16 year old who would be there all the time. With an affair you do look through rose colored glasses.It will take time, I am very depressed and hope my shrink will give me anti-depressants to get me through this rough patch. There are times I just want to say "screw it" and run to him, run away, start a new life with him, but there are so many people that would be hurt in the wake of my impulsive behavior. I know that I would miss the life I have now just a few years down the road. I think of it as a drug addict in recovery, I have to stay away from the drug, away from his friends and family and stay clean and clear of him COMPLETELY. Any slip is a re-lapse and you have to start all over again from square one! He works at my office, but is out in the field most of the time. I have ran into him 3 times in the last 3 months, just in passing, but each time I have to start the healing process all over again. It will be a long, painful road ahead for all of us, but I got myself into this mess and I have to get myself out. I hope all of you find your inner strength and move pass this stage. It is a horrible place to be, I know, I am with you.
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (16 November 2008):
Hi Sue,THe loss of contact is the biggest killer for me and just about everyone else in this situation. You sound so much more experienced in these feelings than myself and what you write does make sense. I have had no contact with him for 5 whole weeks and although I am not in that horrific awful pain 24hrs a day - I still have huge pain that comes in great massive waves.I flip between - hey, I am fine and gosh I havn't thought about him for an hour - to Oh my God this is just too much for me to handle! I still think about him before I go to sleep and he is the first thing I think of when I awake (usually early hours!). You are correct with the love addiction and withdrawal from a drug - I recognise it all but I wish he was still around in my life. I wish he thinks about me as well.Thank you for your honesty and perspective from someone who has been there before and know that maybe all of this will work out for the good in the end. I really hope so because all I can see is a lifetime of wondering what if?Mags x
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): You will never know how happy I was to find this site! I will call myself Sue. I felt like I was the only one on the planet to feel these feelings. My 3 year affair with a man 12 years my junior (I am 42, he is 30) ended in August. I love him with all my heart, but we both decided that it justed wasn't going to work. I am married and have one son from a previous marriage (my husband has 4, which are all grown now). My affair partner wanted to get married and have children and although I considered this for awhile, I am beyond wanting to have more kids.A point that should be made about affairs is that they are generally just "romantic love". They are secret and are carried on in a glass bubble, so the feelings are intense and to be honest, probably not very real. I told him I wanted to be friends, but this proved to be way to hard for me. About 3 weeks after we broke up I drank too much wine and called him. I felt I couldn't live another day without him. He told me he loved me and this was hard for him too, but that I wasn't what he wanted. He wants the dream that we all wanted, marriage, kids, dog in the yard! I would still breakdown and call, or write or text. He would be nice, but made it clear we were over. 11 days ago I wrote him and told him that I just couldn't be friends with him and if I was weak and broke down and wrote, texted or called him just to ignore me.Well I have been weak 3 times and each time he did just as I asked, no response. My heart is breaking, but I know this is the right thing. Everything I see, taste, smell and hear reminds me of him. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I wander off to sleep. Affairs are a powerful drug, but I have to remember they are just that, a drug. Withdrawal is normal and expected.My husband is a wonderful man. Sucessful, loving, and very smart. He cooks every meal, can fix anything and loves me unconditionally. It is just that there is no passion. I love the fireworks of infatuation! But I must remember, as all of you should too, that even if I left to be with him, the fireworks would die down. I know in my case what I have is called "limerance" or "love addiction" and it is a powerful thing! Just take one day at a time and remember that saving your marriage may take time, but it is worth it.I speak from experience as my current marriage is the result of an affair 14 years ago. I left my first husband (who I never had a spark for, married too young) for the "love of my life". Talk about fireworks, I had feelings for my current husband that I had never felt in my life, but as all infatuations do, it calmed and we settled into mature love. I think my problem is that I am trying to fill an emptiness inside myself with another person. I try to take care of someone and feel needed and this makes me feel complete. I have to remember that no person can fill that emptiness but myself. I really do believe that you must love yourself before you can truly love someone else. So I have made an appointment with my "shrink" this week and hope to start peeling back the layers from my life to heal myself and find happiness in the blessing I already have in my life and not seek someone else. Good luck to all of you, I know it hurts, sometimes the ache is almost to much to bare, but I know time will heal this wound.
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reader, taking-my-powerback +, writes (16 November 2008):
I have worked for him for 10 years. I have been married for 21 years. I have fought my feelings for years. There was an attraction, but I would never go there with him in all the years we worked in the same office. Over the years, he has accidentally touched my hand, or something innocent, and I could feel the attraction. Finally one weekend I pursued it at a convention. I seduced him and made love to him. I knew that I was madly in love the moment I heard his voice in the night. We met two more times after that. Then one night he asked me to dinner, but did not show up. I drunk dialed him later, and was emotional. The next day, he called me in his office and told me he loved his wife, and he was not this type of man. My pride would not let me show him any more feelings. That has been over a year ago, I still work for him. He is still so tender and sweet but never does he go into any impropriety of any kind with me. I cant get over this man. He is every thing I ever wanted in a man. I see no wrong in him......I went through many months of grief. I am just now where i can communicate without crying. I still went to extremes due to this affair. I had a face lift...I left my husband.... The hope will not die with me. I would not ask for him to leave his wife. If I could be with him once a year,,,my feeling would be, that if i could have him rarely, it would be better than never having him again. But because he is not that "kind of Man". He will not even blink at me, although, I am keenly aware that he is aware of my presense. He has rebounded and back to normal.....yet, he will never know that I am tortured by this....I keep it concealed. People are easy to drop, it is the hope that is hard to kill.....Now you must know that I am the sickest of us all..... I want him more than anything in the world. He is the most beautiful man i have ever laid eyes on.... no man has ever come this close.So much more to this story, but it will not bring him to me.
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reader, JV +, writes (11 November 2008):
Thanks Mags. I actually cried all the way home last night, cried myself to sleep and was awake at 5 in the morning and struggled to get back to sleep, so my confident words of yesterday were obviously masking a lot of inner turmoil! Guess that's how you get better though - re-build your strength, have a cry and eventually the crying gets less and the strength sticks around for longer. But when I cry it feels like my world is ending and there's no way out of those feelings.
I also miss meeting up, chatting about everything, listening to music - was in a bar last night and they were playing songs off an album he gave me. It brought me right back to a year ago and was probably what upset me so much. But I know that if we were still meeting, I'd be drawn back in even more than I am at the moment, and would be left either having to break it off with him again or with my husband.
It just feels as if he's being so unnecessarily cruel and cold and it conflicts with all the memories of how he used to be with me. It's as if he has transformed into a different person. I know it's out of necessity and if I were his wife I'd want to be sure he never had any contact with me again. But I wish he had been prepared to fight to keep me in his life, as this is truly what I thought he wanted.
The conversation yesterday was very difficult. He was very blunt and, even though I needed to hear what he said, it was nonetheless very distressing. Maybe akin to your last conversation with your other man. He said things like "I can't, don't want to and won't have you in my life". Had always hoped we might salvage friendship, as this is something he had always gone on about. I know I've said that I ultimately don't think that would have worked and certainly not so soon, but especially as we still have a small amount of contact through work, I really thought it was something we might achieve eventually. Who knows, maybe we will once we're both truly over this, but not at the moment and not until his wife trusts him again, which might be never. And maybe by the time I'm over him I won't want anything to do with him. He did at least say again yesterday that, the situation with his wife aside, the friendship route just wasn't an option at this stage as the connection between us was just too strong. Shows he may have succeeded in blocking/turning off his feelings and turning them towards re-building his marriage, but I didn't imagine what we shared and he's obviously still afraid of those feelings re-igniting. It's not much comfort, but it's a small consolation nonetheless.
The worst thing is that I feel like a real fool. I don't know why I expected this to end in any other way - but I was too caught up in the moment to be able to imagine the end realistically. I just thought the spark would die out and we'd be able to reduce the contact to friendship. Completely underestimated what I was getting myself into. I know there are rare occasions where these things end differently, but I think I knew deep down he would never leave his wife and should therefore have concluded that if I let myself fall for him it would only end in trouble. But I still let myself do it. Idiot...
I guess you learn from your mistakes and one thing is for sure - I will never make this mistake again. Wish I hadn't gone there in the first place, I don't think all the fun and happiness was worth it.
Hope you're ok.
JVx
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (11 November 2008):
JV - I am pleased you have had some sort of 'closure' on this. Your stomach must have been doing butterflies when you first spoke to him especially as it has been nearly 3 months. He clearly had strong emotional feelings for you and as you say he probably still does. He has made the decision to stay with his family as the majority of people end up doing when affairs end - for whatever reason. In your case the wife found out and in my case the wife found out BUT allowed it to continue for a little while but then pulled the plug - so no different really.
You are so right when you say that he probably isn't that amazing or special. You are right as well when you say that if someone really does care for you then they wouldn't hurt you like this. That is exactly what I have kept thinking since it finished - if he really genuinly cared for me then he would not have hurt me with cruel words and hurt me like this. I don't think either you or I deserved that. Its funny really - they chased us until they got the prize but when the affair became too troublesome in their lives they dumped us as quickly and swiftly as possible.
On the other hand we both have lovely husbands. I just need to focus on loving my husband.
Despite everything I have written - I still miss him. It aches when I remember things we did in happy times. I miss the conversations so very much. But I am moving forwards and each day I feel a little stronger and more in control.I still wake up in the early hours and my first thought is of him.
I hope with your closure that today you are already feeling stronger and in control of your future life with your husband. You deserve that. I am sure you will have blips but as someone said to me - look on this as an experience you have had and when you are an old woman you will look back and smile and think - well I certainly lived!
Take care
Mags xx
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reader, JV +, writes (10 November 2008):
Btw, I just registered - I'm the one who first wrote on 7 Nov - "anon lady"!
JVx
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reader, JV +, writes (10 November 2008):
It is strange, isn't it, the comfort to be found in knowing you are not alone. I think this is partly why I have for so long sought reassurance from him that he is also hurting - to know someone else understands. But it doesn't work sharing these thoughts with the other person - as we found, the more you talk about the pain you are both experiencing, the more you seek to comfort and to reassure each other, and in doing so you continue to reinforce the feelings you are trying to escape from.
I finally had a conversation with him this morning (first time since mid August) which has got me as close to "closure" as I will get. I have deleted the last of his emails I had kept and think I have finally accepted that it is over. And as for the hope of something in the future, I don't think I want that anymore either. Someone who has hurt me that much doesn't deserve me - I could never trust him again anyway - and, also, I genuinely am starting to believe he wasn't that special. As you so accurately put it, he paid so many compliments that eventually I opened up and saw him in a different way. If he had never started that contact, told me how great and special I was, he might well have passed me by without my even noticing. Nature is very cruel, the way it allows you to be drawn to someone because of how they make you feel. And as each of you continues you repeat and reinforce those compliments, the feelings just become more intense. I guess it makes perfect sense where both parties are single and free agents (though there are enough honest relationships where one heart gets broken), it's just when it springs up where it shouldn't that it's a problem. We are so very lucky to have found men we could even consider sharing a lifetime with and who love and value us so much that they don't want anyone but us. That is very rare, and to throw it away seems incredibly ungrateful.
You're right- the fun, happiness and general euphoria associated with a new relationship is hard, almost impossible, to let go of before it has faded naturally. But I believe it definitely WOULD have faded, and probably quite quickly, once reality set in - there is only so long that trips to B&Q, hoovering, watching telly and general daily admin can remain fun and exciting! If I had left my husband to be with the other man, I would have missed him. Perhaps not for a while - but one day I would have looked at myself and asked why I threw away the love of my life on a silly fling.
He said some very harsh words this morning, but mostly focused on the fact that his marriage is on the verge of destruction, and any hint of contact with me could push it over the edge. Every day is a fight to stop the relationship breaking down and what is most important is that there is an innocent involved who might end up not knowing his father. He has taken the strong decision to stick by his family, even though I believe he still had strong feelings for me when he made that choice. So I have to respect what he has done and help him follow it through without me sabotaging his efforts. In any case, I am increasingly certain that, if he turned up on my doorstep asking me to leave my husband, I wouldn't be able to do that. So to be fair to everyone, it's only right that I step right away and let this go. Completely.
And my hope is that, in stepping away completely, I stand a better chance of being happy again sooner than later.
I don't expect I'll manage to stick to this without lapses but let's try and help each other get through this. Thank you for your words of support.
x
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (10 November 2008):
Hi - I have read the last message three times and cried each time. You have put into words exactly how I feel and exactly what I know to be the truth. Just hearing it from someone else has helped me - you hit the nail on the head with each sentence and each paragraph.In fact I thought I had written it myself!
It really helps knowing that someone else understands and feels the same way. You are going through the same thing - and you are right. Each thought of being with him is counteracted by the thought that I could not and will not hurt my family. So it is daft to even go down that path - but my thoughts keep wandering. He always used to say - we would have been together in another time and who knows what the future holds - but that future has gone and always will be gone.
Like you - he had become my very best friend and yes it was only 8 months but it was so fantastic. To have that ripped away is the thing that hurts most. Yes I also agree we have to go through this emotional withdrawal of being addicted to the other person ( I have read the websites and can see that is what happened to me) and to get through the pain and come out the other side. We will both be stronger for this.
I believe you are right when you said that he finished it so very finally and so cruelly (to me it was gut twisting and I have never ever felt so let down and sick and bereft like that) in order that it was final. So there was no hope. There certainly isn't any hope. It is that loss of hope that kills me. I will conquer this - I will! You are right we couldn't be friends - and it is interesting to hear that it didn't work with you. You are right.
I am glad I never told my husband - some people say that you should in order that there is complete honesty in a marriage. I don't agree at all. I know of marriages that have been broken apart by that honesty and I feel that I cannot and will not put my husband and children through that pain - I will suck this up and rely on my internet friends for support!
Wherever you are 'anon lady' - you are a very astute and clever person. We are both intelligent women who at some point in our lives were tempted and instead of accepting the compliment and walking away - we let our behaviour and emotions get the better of us. Both men declared their love for us - and Bingo - we were sucked in! I also wanted to explore the relationship but what is 8 months of naughty fun compared to a 17 year married relationship? But it was fun!
I have just been very stupid and listened to the song he used to say reminded him of me - 'Shine' by Take That! Cried again! Jane will be mad when she reads that because she told me to get rid of mementos!
Wherever you are when you sit and read my reply - just know that you are special and unique. I hope your husband comes home soon and you spend quality time together. Put on your beautiful dress, make yourself up to look gorgeous and know that you are beautiful inside as well.
Take care
Mags xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008): I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. I was out and about yesterday afternoon and it really helped take my mind off it, but it's still the first thing that pops into my head in the morning as well and I find the more time I have without good distractions, the more the sad feelings build. And it's like a downward spiral - the more you allow yourself to think about it, the more painful it becomes.
I think what I find hardest about the severance of contact is, like you, he had become my closest friend over the 8 months we were seeing each other, and it feels so wrong to suddenly have that removed. But in a way I know why he has done it - trying to be just friends doesn't work, we tried it several times, and you just end up slipping back into the old ways because you both want the same thing, deep down. And also, being "just friends" is painful, because you feel like there's something missing the whole time, and can no longer be the same together for fear of slipping up. So I think I do understand why he has done this. Doesn't make it any easier though, as I'm also haunted by the question "if he wanted to be with me so much at the time, how can that disappear so suddenly?".
I also struggle with the image that they are happy together again, and imagine that they might be planning a second child (the thought of this kills me). However, if I'm honest I suspect the reality is a lot less rosy than that. I'm sure there are still tears and difficult conversations. Lack of trust, recriminations. And I know that in August he was in counselling because he was finding the affair so difficult to get over. Who knows what the situation is now, but you shouldn't punish yourself with images of how wonderful his life is now without you. Because it is probably just as hard for him as it is for you. The fact is, one person has to put their foot down and do the difficult thing and perhaps the things he said were because he thought it would be easier for you to cope with if you didn't think he was still in love with you. The effect of hearing that is gut-wrenchingly painful, but it is true that if he were still in contact, telling you he loved you but just couldn't be with you, you would still have much greater hopes and expectations and it might stop you moving forward with your own life. I think when the person breaking it off is cold and says harsh things, it might well be because they think it is the kindest thing to do. And even though it hurts, maybe it is kinder than dragging it out and leaving a window of hope.
I still struggle with the hope that he might change his mind, but then in honesty I wonder whether I could leave my husband and hurt him that way. That being the case, it is crazy and very unfair of me to wish him to take the same radical steps, particularly since he has a child. I guess the point is, you can't have both, and if you really had to go through with it, could you make the choice to leave your husband and children?
One more thing: please don't think of this pain as punishment for what you did. I don't think that's the right way to look at it. Ok, what we did was very wrong and unfair to our partners, but it was a mistake (and one made by many many other people, it seems). It was nature and instinct stepping in and taking control of our behaviour before we had a chance to realise what was happening and stop it, and by the time we realised, it was too late and our feelings were out of control. The feelings now are also instinctive - withdrawal from an emotional dependency/addiction, and are part of a natural grieving process. They are not deserved and are definitely not a punishment. They are just an unfortunate side-effect. But, just as when you grieve for someone, they WILL go away. We just have to be patient and focused and believe that we can feel the same way again with the men we are married to. The other man was one of a hundred similar men who might have crossed your path and made you feel special and loved. Try to tell yourself there is nothing so amazing or special about him, it was just a chemical reaction which spiralled out of control and now needs to be stopped. I tell myself that, if I were with the other man for 10 years (the time I've been with my husband) I might fall out of love with him in just the same way. You have been with your husband for such a long time (plus children) and I think it's amazing to be able to live with someone and share your life with them for that long. There must be something pretty remarkable between you to have got this far together. You could fall in love with almost anyone for 8 months but whether you could genuinely build a life together is another question. This is what I try to focus on.
I know it isn't that straightforward and what you probably crave, like me, is the chance to explore that relationship with the other person and build an existence with him. And I often wish we'd met at different times in our lives when it would have been possible to be together openly and honestly, and without tearing other people's lives apart. It's a very difficult conflict and at the moment it is impossible to imagine being in a place where I no longer care. But we can do it and be happy again, I'm sure of it.
Have to go now, but take care of yourself.
x
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (9 November 2008):
Hi again! I had a good day yesterday but for some reason today (Sunday) I am having a bad day. Thinking about all the things he said to me and how at the last call he said the complete opposite. I am so mucked up.
I just can't get it into my head that I will never see or speak to him ever again after everything we shared for 8 months. Intimate things, trivial things, sleeping together, just being together when we could, laughing together - everything. I know I am feeling exactly what millions of others are feeling - and this site has really helped me vent my feelings.
It still doesn't take away my jealousy and yes anger for his wife.I keep thinking what they are doing together and they are always laughing and happy in my head(pointless task) and then I keep trying to focus on my own family. I must move forward and I sometimes feel I am making progress then I take 2 steps back! As others have said - this is the penalty we pay for what we have done.I still want it all back - now that is even worse!
I am trying to be a happy person at home and that is such a battle. My children don't suspect anything - they are in their own little world anyway. My husband is really trying to be more loving (he doesn't know about the affair) but I have told him what I feel is missing in our life. He is such a good man as well. 17 years married and we have been together 24 years.
My stomach is churning again and I feel empty and sad. It is as if he complemented one part of my life that had been missing - I was so happy - and now it has gone forever - I just can't believe it.
This really hurts - really really.
Take care
Mags xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): Thanks Mags for replying. This has to be a quick one as I have to go out to a rehearsal - good to go out and about - last night and this morning I was home alone and those are the hardest times.
Is so interesting hearing what you have to say - all sounds identical. At the beginning it was him doing all the chasing - I wasn't really so keen but gradually got more and more drawn in. Similarly, he was the first one to say "I love you", he talked about how he wanted to elope, how what we had was more than he had ever experienced with anyone else and how it had made him completely re-evaluate his marriage. I had never considered leaving my husband, but the more he said, the more what he said seemed to make sense. Typical then that he should be the one to decide it all had to stop and then take the decision that he would try to make his marriage work. As you say, it feels so selfish even contemplating that he should break up his home for me - and at the outset it wouldn't have even crossed my mind. But because of everything he said and did, the complete change of direction really hit hard.
I wish my husband were back - I just spoke to him on skype and he really is an amazing man, so full of love and excitement about our future. The trouble is I'm alone too much and the memories slowly creep back and I'm left feeling so low.
You sound as if, even though it has been a short time, you're starting to make progress and move forward. I often think I'm starting to get there but it's surprising how it can suddenly sneak back on you. Jealousy is a terrible thing, it really eats away at you and is so destructive. I guess if you can get past the jealousy of him having chosen someone else and focus on the fact that what you have with your real partner might well be better, you'll be on the way to recovery. It sounds awful, but at least my husband has never found out so I have a clean slate to work on with him when he returns to the country. Whereas the other man's marriage will forever be scarred by this. I feel so heartless saying things like this but it's shocking how selfish you become in this situation - I would never have believed it of myself.
Thanks for being around to chat -half the difficulty is that the only person who I can discuss this with is him, and we can no longer communicate.
Have a good day.
x
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (8 November 2008):
Hi to the last person! I am so sorry there is another one of us out there feeling like this! I too am jealous that he chose his wife (and alittle 1 year old girl)over me (how selfish is that!) but it hurts to be second choice doesn't it? Especially when he told me he loved me (early on) and then ended it by saying he loved his wife and not me - that has hurt me more than anything! How very selfish I am to feel like that especially when I already have a husband and family who love me loads. Honestly I am not a vindictive person so what is going on?
Your husband being away has made you vulnerable to an affair - and I can see that this man filled in a void for you. I feel that he will always be special to you (like mine) and we both hope they will contact us - bet they don't! Secretly I dream of him ringing me up. In fact this week I had 2 calls that hung up and when I dialled 1471 to see who it was - the number was witheld. Secretly I hope it was him?! and not a direct selling company!
My pain is still with me - 4 weeks on and I still grieve. Its a terrible withdrawal feeling and it hurts. I think of him all the time - almost addictive so I need to sort myself out - again not my normal behavior at all.I havn't contacted him either.
I had a bonfire party last night with my family which was fun but I wished he was with me! Always will!
Wherever you are - I send a hug to you. You sound a lovely person who was lonely and got pulled into an affair - at the time - great fun and now we are left with this sick horrendous feeling.
Take care
I am here as well
Mags 1
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): I'm so grateful to have found this site. I've been struggling with this alone, going back and forth for months and months, feeling like there's something wrong with me that I can't get past this terrible feeling of loss and unhappiness. It doesn't change anything, but somehow knowing that there are others out there going through exactly the same emotions (I could have written half these entries myself) makes me feel more sane. Also it gives me hope that if other people have been through this experience and have managed to move on, then then maybe so will I, given time. What is the worst is the fluctuation of feelings - sometimes I feel so sure and strong and think I'm making progress, the next I'm sobbing with despair, then anger, and then all I can think of is "I wish he would change his mind and go back to where we were before". But then the rational part of me remembers that there is absolutely no chance of that and, even if there were, we'd be back in the same mess as we were before/ are now, and maybe it would be even worse (tearing apart long-standing relationships or just dragging out the inevitable break-up).My story is much the same as everyone's - he is married, I was engaged (and am now married), we first met through work and started emailing and then going for drinks in september of last year. Things escalated quickly and, apart from a couple of attempts to stop things, we continued to become more and more involved until April of this year. In April he made it clear again that he wanted to stop things if only to work out whether his marriage could be rescued and, if not, to make a clean break before moving forward - but also hoping something could be salvaged from his relationship with his wife (he has a 1 year old child). It also became clear to me that we had to try to sort out our own relationships before considering embarking on a more drastic course of action, but I realised that the only way of doing that would be to stop meeting. So this is what I suggested and he agreed we should do (I often regret this decision, even though it was the right thing to do, as it was the beginning of the end). The emails continued for a while, and I started to think we would slip back into seeing each other again. Except a combination of work stress and the stress of our affair (I think he had a kind of breakdown) made him suddenly able to withdraw, the emails became more and more distant, we met a few more times and then it became clear everything had changed. And then his wife found out about us. For him this was the turning point, and he clearly made the decision that there was enough he wanted to work on in his marriage and, in order to do that, I had to be completely removed from the picture. I regret the hurt it must have caused/still be causing her, and also understand why he had to do this to stand a chance of re-building his marriage. But I can't help resenting her, feeling so jealous and wishing he would change his mind and come back for me. I wish he had chosen me, not her (even though this is cruel and unrealistic, given he has a son with her and couldn't contemplate not being around to see his boy grow up).All this is complicated further by the fact that I am married and my husband lives abroad (and has done for over 2 years). I only see him every 2 or 3 weeks and his absence has made it almost impossible to focus on my relationship with him. When we do have time together, I start to feel positive that we can rebuild things and I can forget the other man. But then he leaves and a couple of days later I'm on shaky ground, missing the other man more than ever and back into tears and despair. At these times it is easier than ever to imagine life separated from my husband and I feel convinced that if the other man came back for me I would go. Even though that might be the wrong decision. Luckily, in some ways, it is not a decision I've had to face.I hope this will all get better when my husband returns to the country in february, but the pain of missing the other man, feeling jealous of his wife and family and angry at him for pulling me into this emotional tangle and then dropping me is at times unbearable. Really unbearable. My husband is a wonderful man and loves me more than anything, and I love being with him. But I worry that our relationship has slipped too far into platonic friendship and this is what made me so vulnerable in the first place.The worst thing of all is wanting contact with this man, and being completely and utterly ignored and rejected. It is the most horrible thing I have ever experienced.
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (5 November 2008):
I know - its Mags 1 again! I have re-read the original question which is about contacting the other person. I havn't done that because I know the rejection would hurt me even more than it is already and probably make me feel even worse.
So many people have advised NOT to contact due to re-opening painful wounds so I havn't - BUT I really really really badly want to. It is taking all of my will power not to contact him that it hurts not to do that as well! I hoped that he might contact me (wishful thinking!)because it was always him that rang me every day. How can he go from 100% to 0% just like that? I still wonder if he ever thinks about me at all like I am about him? I keep telling myself he doesn't give a damn about me and get over yourself!
Like DBB1 I am taking each day - one day and one step at a time. Slowly very slowly. I still cry and I am 3 1/2 weeks into this awful pain. You will all experience this pain which I have never had before in my life. Even when my father left my Mum and not contacted any of us again - I felt pain for a few days but not like this! This is truly awful. Again like DBB1 at this moment I don't think I will truly ever get over this. I am sure time will prove to be a great healer BUT it will always be there in my subconscious.
I feel empty, lost, sad, stomach still churning, crying (but not as hard or as long), losing weight (now going the other way and people worried!), depressed. Everything we all feel. I have taken time off work because I couldn't concentrate and in my job (very high pressured and professional) you need to be on top form all the time - I have never taken time off work before.
I am lucky - I do have a great husband who loves me so much and I feel guilty (as we all do) about my deceit. I still do not regret what I did (yes I know - wrong) but I don't. I felt alive and gorgeous and sexy - and that is something I will never forget.
DBB1 - I feel your pain. I am in pain. We are both going through our own struggle with this and shedding tears - we need to work through it - I have no easy answer and I wish like you I could switch off the emotional light - even dim it a little. I miss him so much that I wonder if it was love or if I am missing the attention he gave me or is it the fact he rejected me ('I don't love you' keeps ringing in my head like a demented CD stuck in a scratch!). Maybe it is a mixture of all 3.Whatever the reason, I loved every second we had together.
It was so much fun but it isn't anymore is it?
Take care
Mags xxx
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reader, DBB1 +, writes (4 November 2008):
Im just trying to take things one day. It does not seem to be getting any easier.
I do feel that I will never fully get over this and Im really starting to hate myself for feeling the way i do. I wish i could turn these emotions off like a light but i cant.
I guess i deserve this
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (3 November 2008):
JP and DBB1 - thank you thank you thank you! Wherever you may be in this world I need to send you a huge hug for your incredible messages. Just being able to read about others going through similar and identical emotional feelings has really helped me. I do not feel so lonely. It doesn't matter whether you are male or female we do all feel pain - and boy this is unreal pain.
JP - I am religious and this whole affair thing has made me really question my morals. I am not a catholic, however I have found myself drawn to the local catholic church at lunchtime - where I can just go and sit peacefully. I always light a candle and place it in the same spot - I place it there for a light of hope to the future.
Yes I do also think about all the truly terrible things happening around us and yes it does put things into perspective. Yes I feel selfish and self pity is a useless exercise. I have 2 lovely children and it would break their little hearts if the family was disrupted. I never ever intended to leave my husband although at one point in all of this I felt tempted - but that would achieve nothing except more hurt and pain for many people. I am not a bad person and hate hurting people - which hasn't helped me to get over this quickly.
I just miss him so much. I have a huge empty space - I was so used to him ringing me every day for a quick chat or sometimes if he was driving back from somewhere it could be an hour on the phone. I miss hearing him say 'Hi Gorgeous' or 'Bye Babes'. I had grown accustomed to him being part of my life.He was my parallel world and I do not regret letting him in. But, how can someone who you thought cared for you hurt you so badly with such cruel words - I feel like he stabbed me through my heart? I have to keep reminding myself he was going through a terrible time at home with his wife and he wasn't prepared to lose his family (I never wanted him to leave his family either). I wasn't ready for the finish -mind you are any of us?.
Like smudgecat - I do not regret one single second apart from the pain this has now caused. I just want to relive it - but I can only do that in my head and remember the happy times. I feel such a stupid idiot as well - why did I think my affair would be any different? I just wanted it to carry on quietly running happily alongside my home life. I was so very happy and alive - I sparkled. I now feel tarnished and shoddy and second best - the other woman who was dumped - not a very nice place to be.
I am at a point now where I need to be able to move away from this terrible grief. I need to get my home life and family balance back together. I need to re-focus my energy forwards with my family. I owe it to my husband as well - he would be shocked and devasted if he really knew what had happened. We are all human and we all make mistakes - I always thought I was pretty perfect!!! Just goes to show - never say never!
I am sitting here in our office - calm yet filled with an empty sad void. You have all helped me in different ways - just hearing from others in the same boat gives me great calm for a little while. It is like our own counselling service!
I thank you all - I wish us all the calm and peace to move forwards. Today I will light a candle and pray for all of you - wherever you are and whatever you are doing.
God bless
Mags xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): Hi all DBB1 here again.
Had the weekend alone to try and get my thoughts into perspective and have failed miserably. I feel more rational about my thoughts, but the emotional pain is something that I was never expecting to be so intense.
I agree wholeheartedly with JP. If my affair picked the phone up and ask me to leave, in my fragile state, I probably would do it, but would that be the best thing, certainly not for my wife and children, or even me in the long run.
I cant get away from these feelings though and they are driving me mad. Im not crying as much but something will remind me of my affair and I will start. I hate being this out of control.
JP as a religious man, a catholic, it has added a new dimension to the distress I am feeling. I pray constantly for guidance from God to help me, As a catholic, I need to confess my sins and be truly sorry for them to obtain absolution. I have sinned and committed an immoral act, however, the problem I do have is that if I look inwards I am not sorry and do not regret the affair as she filled some major voids in my life.
This is just me being selfish im sure, and I agree that the pain I am experiencing at the moment is atonement for the sin that I am still committing. I likewise, thank God for sparing me the really horrific consequences of my actions.
I guess we are all human, and that the essence of humanity is that we all make mistakes. Im not so sure that this was a mistake.
I may have mentioned to everyone already, but my circumstances are different as I grew up with this girl and had a relationship with her before I met my wife. I was at school and the relationship never got physical as we were young, however, we were inseparable. As a teenager, your outlook on life changes rapidly. I guess at 16 I became too boring for her and she got involved with a guy who physically abused her. She ended up having the first of 5 children by the age of 17. She then had a succession of violent and abusive marriages. I never knew about this until we got back in contact on facebook a few months back.
I instantly felt guilty that I hadn't been there for her, and know that if she needed anything or came back to me I would be there for her like a shot, whether there was a relationship there or not.
That hurts as well - I looked at facebook this evening and saw she had posted some photos of her at a halloween party. She looked fantastic and it immediately brought everything back again
No matter what happens I doubt I will ever fully get over this. All I can hope is that my actions do not destroy my life or the lives of the people I love
DBB1
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reader, smudgecat +, writes (2 November 2008):
Hi
And so the confusion continues. It is exactly one year today since I received the first dangerous email.....it seemed so innocent to begin with.
I have just been in the garden with my husband clearing flowerbeds in the cold. It is good therapy being so close to nature, but my mind was busy elsewhere.
I feel calmer now, more accepting of the fact that my affair is over.
It was totally thrilling, the most excitement I have ever experienced, probably because of the danger. And how lovely it was, so flattering, to be wanted by someone else after 25 years of marriage. In some ways I am beginning to see it as a delightful cameo - something secret to look back on in years to come, to smile at and hold to me.
I am trying to be philosophical about it. I am sure that experiencing this madness has made me less likely to be judgemental of others and generally more openminded - after all, if this can happen to me with my high ideals (!)and feet on the ground, it can happen to anyone! And terrible though I have felt in recent weeks I dont regret it. It was the most alive I have felt for a very long time. And afterall we are dead a long long time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): Mags xxx,It is Sunday morning at 6:00 EST. I am sitting alone in my den and it's dark outside. The urge to resist calling the woman I had an affair, is overwhelming. She ended it after a number of years. I just wish she would call or text and I believe, as I am so low right now, I might leave my wife, and move in with her. She made her decision and it was the best thing for her, as waiting for me was not getting her where she wanted to be, WITH ME. However, the pain you are feeling is shared by probably millions around the world this very moment. I feel my pain is atonement, as I am feeling hurt, separation anxiety, loss of weight (not so bad), increased blood pressure, stomach is doing things I never felt, sleep is not normal, and can't think of anything else, all simply over adultery.With all the truly bad things going on in the world - starving people existing on crumbs, homeless persons sleeping under cardboard, women and children being abused, jobless, the terminally ill, and endless abortion going on, here I'm praying to God with tears in my eyes to help me and how much I miss her, when the source of my suffering is from an adulterous affair !!! When I think of it this way, it does not hurt near as bad. What I am experiencing, compared to other persons, with very different life circumstances, makes me feel very shameful. I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself, and be glad for what I do have, for everything God has allowed me, and SPARED me from. Think about it this way, if you are religious...God gave us all free will and a conscience. Was this the best choice you could make for yourself and your family? In my case, the other woman made it for me, otherwise I would have still been in it. I was blinded and addicted by the obvious, as we all were. Don't kid yourself, it's not love, it's lust. She never cared about my being married or my wife. She had been married a couple of times. She only wanted what she saw, and fell in love with. You know when she (not that men don't !! - but this is my case I'm referring to) dangled her carrot in front of a me, damn right, I took a bite.=, but........I do not care to go to hell for anybody. Death comes like a thief in the night.I am trying, now, to get my life together and never look back. I may fall short, but I will never stop trying and asking for God's help to persevere and fight this temptation. Tough stuff, oh yes. You WILL pull through this and be a better wife for it! Hang in there, talk it through with friends, and pray for forgiveness and the ability to recognize and run away from anything as disastrous as adultery. Avoid the occasion and places to go there again. You can do it, if I can do it. Good luck Mags xxx. Pax Christi !JP
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (2 November 2008):
Jane - thank you. I feel you are my mirror image but a few months further along. I had a truly terrible day yesterday and I was with my family all day (brothers, Mum nephews etc) - they all knew I was sad and I tried so very very hard to smile and be part of everything.
I wonder - does he think about me?
I just miss him so much it hurts everywhere. He made me laugh. He made me feel so special. I miss talking to him that I cannot believe I will never speak to him again. That is killing me. I agree I need to stay strong and focussed. You are right - my husband has not left me but he did for his own reasons. I feel selfish that my husband doesn't know why I am so low but I will not tell him - I just bottle it all up and sometimes my stomach is wound up like a spring. My husband is a good hard working man. I am content with him but I will forever wonder - what if?
The thing is I was so very happy for the 8 months. Many would say it was a false deceptive happiness based on lies and deceit and secrecy. Yes it was - but oh it was a thrilling adventure. I never wanted it to end. He always said he wanted it to go on forever! I was happier that I had ever been and I hate the fact that this feeling has been ripped away. I need to get closure on this. I need to forgive and move on. How do I do that?
It is Sunday morning and I feel calm today. I must try and erase this man from my thoughts or it will destroy my mind.
Thanks Jane - wherever you may be
Mags xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): I know the pain gets to you it does....Mags seeing that car and looking for that car is unreal and yet nearly addictive. I was out last night and still there were moments I wished he was there because he was always so funny....but the reality is he isnt there and my husband is, my husband has not abandoned me...he has. It is unfair and it is cruel.
Lets write here whenever we feel down, this site has done so much for me...but I know I have done alot of it on my own...because I have had to.
We can do it..stay strong and keep faking the strengh when you have to.
90 days away is a good help.....unfortunately you have to let all contact go....this is not something anyone of us want to do this is something we have to do.
Heal yourself at all costs.
Keep strong, you are strong.
Keep focused.
Good Luck.
Jane XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): WOW ! I am 56 years old and just had my female mistress end out 7 year affair.We met at work, she left her husband and divorced, and waited for me to do the same. She has no children, I have an adult son. It all began with sex, torrid sex on her part. I became addicted to it and completely planned to leave my wife and also divorce. I always had a reason why I needed to wait and finally she could not wait any longer. She is now 43. She did not want to grown old alone. She is absolutely stunning and Puerto Rican. It all had to do with sex and her outward physical beauty. My wife is a great person, loves me dearly and never knew. She did nothing to cause me to get into this. It was simply physical. Eventually I fell in love, deeply in love. Still am and I miss her beyond belief.Don't sleep well can't focus. The worst thing of all, is I think I can move on, but the thought of her having sex with another man is the most difficult thing to deal with. I truly believe if you can have no contact for 90 days, you can see it through. My feelings for her will never be forgotten, but each day without her is better. Had I done this, I do not think it would have been permanent and I would have regretted devastating my wife. I do have a conscience, but no morals. If is just I should suffer. I know my former friend will always love me deeply and never forget me. That tortures me that I hurt her so.Women can recover more quickly than men, because they all have something a man wants, and a man is willing to be patient and persistent until he can figure out how to get it. ALL WOMEN, be careful to resist hearing what you want to hear, and listen with your mind, not your heart. A 7 year hurt is something you would never, never, ever get completely over. Time does heal but only God alone can help you to begin living again.
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (31 October 2008):
Surely this must get better - time is creeping on and I am still hurting. Like DBB1 my insides are churning. I see constant reminders of where we used to have little secret meets in pub car parks, roads we drove down together, every silver mondeo (his car) sends my heart and stomach into overdrive!Last night was the worst experience yet. I took my daughter to the theatre group for a rehearsal (which is how we met). He has resigned from the company and it was the talk of the evening. I knew why he'd resigned but every mention of his name had me in a wreck but I had to pretend it was news to me as well. I cried inside - he left his whole world because of me, The theatre had been his life for the last 20 years! He was the mainstay of the place, the light and soul of the party. I felt awful so awful - sick awful! We used to laugh about how when we saw each other at the rehearsals how we would ignore each other - now that has gone as well.I keep wishing he'd contact me but as each day goes by with nothing I know deep down that this is it - over. I am in complete denial and I know in my heart I have to move on. I so want him back but I know this cannot be - ever again.I read a hard hitting passage this morning which I will share:'Recognise when somebody's part in your story is over, otherwise you'll just keep trying to raise the dead. Acknowledge when something is over. If you've tried to make it work and it hasn't, accept it. Get up, go to the department store, buy yourself a new outfit, treat yourself to a good meal; start living again! Never beg anyone to stay with you against their will. Their leaving is no accident; it just means that there is something better in store for you so move on!' Well I havn't yet accepted that he has gone from my life - not at all sure when that will happen - if ever. I am finding it difficult to accept. I have spent a lot of money buying new outfits last week but all the time hoping he would see me in them. I know why he had lo leave me - his wife just couldn't carry on the pretence any longer. I just wish he hadn't said 'I don't love you' that keeps playing over and over in my head. Because only 3 days earlier he had said 'I love you loads!' - you see why I am confused!DBB1 - I drove along a road today and thought about you driving somewhere and hurting like me. I wish us both to get healed and feel better in ourselves. This low self esteem and loss of confidence in myself as a person is killing me. Jane - if you read this - thank you for your wise words of experience. I can't quite manage to destroy the memories - yet. I have deleted his number from my phone - that was hard to do but it is done now.God this pain is cruel isn't it?Take care all xx
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reader, DBB1 +, writes (30 October 2008):
Just cant ge any relief from this - was driving around today and everything reminded me of her. Its so difficult trying to distance yourself, a song, a name, stupid things and the gut wrenching feeling and tears come back. I keep telling myself to pull myself together but it jut dosnt happen. I made the mistake of calling her today and i wish i hadnt. While we spoke for quite a while, it was awkward and we kept covering the same ground over and over.I wish this feeling would go. I'm sure I deserve nothing less than this pain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): Crikey...my heart is breaking for you guys....but please you have to take one slow step each day...it is worse then a bereavement because you can share the pain of a bereavement and your friends and family get you thro. this you go thro on your own and rejection is what gets to your heart and soul every time.
Take tiny steps to make your life better whatever you did....I am out of it since xmas but only really in past few months....it gets better but GET AWAY FROM IT no matter how hard it is wrench yourself away from all memories. Get that box in the loft and burn it...you do not need it, u mustn't convince yourself you do.
Put yourself in complete survival mode and focus on making yourself healed...focus on nothing else....I promise you you have got to be that strict...you have got to make your life and you better.
Why go back to that pain...you are giving your mind mixed messages on one hand trying to get over it and on the other torturing yourself.
I KNOW it is not easy, I know it is HARD, I have been there in those dark depths....MAKE YOURSELF GET OUT OF IT.
Please please please get rid of the memories...delete his or her name from your phone...every memory get rid of and move on.
Don't take my advice if you dont want and god knows I am not an expert...but I pulled myself up dragging and screeming sometimes...but I promise you i am certain of one thing...I don't cry anymore...he and it are not worth the tears.
You are good people and you know that deep down...hold onto that tightly.
Please heal yourselves...please try.
Jane X
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (30 October 2008):
Well well well! I agree with Smudgecat - we are all a really messed up little bunch of people!
I also agree with Smudgecat about the glass wall as well. I do love my hubby but I know there is a mental barrier between us (he wouldn't know or suspect anything) which makes this so difficult. I have never had secrets from him and boy is this a big one! I would never tell him it would break his heart and one broken heart is enough without two!
I agree with DBB as well about the strong feelings. I think about my lover all the time - I just can't get him out of my head. I have never ever behaved like this in my life! I care for him so deeply - I just wish he would make some kind of contact to show he cared. I refuse to contact him but it is the most difficult thing to do. I constantly have to stop myself from texting or e-mailing. I can't ring in case his wife is around. I used to know where he was every day so I knew when was safe to call - not anymore.
I am the strong dependable person - the one people come to with their problems. I am the full time working Mum who also runs a business from home. I am the powerhouse so what in devils name has come over me.
I feel as if I have had part of my body ripped away.We knew so much about each other and spoke every single day. We were so together. Now I question the whole thing. Was he just in it for the sex (not that we managed that very often!). Why did he ring me all the time if he didn't care? I feel lost. I feel pain. I feel I have lost something that I will never get back again. I miss him beyond belief. I have taken comfort from others who say the pain eases with time. I am now two and a half weeks into this pain - it isn't as severe but when I cry every morning - the feelings come flooding back.
I have put all the little mementos into a box and hidden it in the loft - but I found myself climbing up there this morning to look at them What a mistake - it all came flooding back! The void in my life is huge and I wonder if I will ever be as happy as I was in the last 8 months ever again? We can't turn the clocks back. We can't change a thing. We can try and look forward. Look at our family. I have 2 beautiful children (12 and 7) and I owe it to them to continue forwards. They are my light forwards. My little boy hugged me this morning so hard and said 'I love you Mum' - and that is a pure unquestioning love. We must - absloutely must - cling on to that - the pure love of a child for its Mum or Dad.
I still grieve. It is like a bereavement. I miss his smile, his laugh, his voice and more than anything just being with him.
Take care all xx
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reader, DBB1 +, writes (29 October 2008):
smudgecat and mags1. It isnt getting any better. the girl i had an affair with takes my calls but is very very distant. I know i should stop calling and distance myself, but its pathetic - i just cant. Im checking facebook and my phone and e-mails constantly,sometimes every 5 mins to see if she has contacted me. Im out of control and there is absolutely nothing I feel i can do about it.
Smudgecat, I completely understand this glass wall thing. I feel that everything with my wife at the moment is just a sham. I do love her but its not the same as the affair. Im telling myself that Im letting myself get carried away by the passion and excitement, but Im realising that i really care very very deeply for this woman and im really scared about what all this can mean, and what its doing to me mentally.
I also try and put her out of my head but she is constantly there. I seem to get things into perspective mid afternoon every day but by the evenings im also constantly thinking about what she is doing and whether or not she is thinking about me.
Im usually so confident and in control of things - this situation has really knocked the stuffing out of me; and the worst thing? it could all have been avoided.
Then on the other hand would I want to have avoided it. There is obviously a lot of voids in my life and this girl more than filled them and gave me the love and attention that i dont have at home and crave. Now she is gone the gaps are bigger than they were before.
Im wondering how im coping here to be honest. Ive never been a slave to my emotions before and its not a pleasant experience.
I feel for you both, I really do and my heart does go out to you both. If you are feeling as bad as I am (especially at night.
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reader, smudgecat +, writes (29 October 2008):
Hi everyone,
Well I have been reading all the replies since I wrote in September. What a mess we have got ourselves into ! But good to know I am not the only fool.
My affair - the one with the man living abroad who I'd known 28 years ago when I was 18 - finished on September 10th. It has been a difficult few weeks. We have continued to keep in touch via email - more from me than from him of course. Rather superficial but friendly mails, trying to be just friends. I called him a couple of weeks ago which was really good. We spoke for about half an hour. Somehow the relationship we had from last November to September has given us a special friendship. I like to think that we both know that we can trust oneanother completely.
But the truth is that I think about what happened all the time, reliving it in my head, I check my emails all the time and long to see him again. I have no idea if I will see him again and certainly if I do it is not likely to be alone - probably a family funeral as I have kept in touch with his parents all these years! Imagine how that would be!
But the main problem for me is how I feel about my real life now. It is as if the secret affair has built a glass wall between me and my husband. I feel as if much of the time I am just going through the motions, doing stuff but not feeling it, if you understand me. I cannot possibly tell him about what happened but wish I could. But I know he would be so angry and hurt and I think he would reject me completely - and so would my kids. So somehow I have to try to forget and move on. How can I control where my mind wanders to as I drive to work etc etc. It is an obsession.
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (29 October 2008):
Hi all and DBB1 - I feel your pain so much. Being in the same boatI do understand.I feel so awful and so sad it just hasn't got any better.
I wish he would contact me just to see how I am but I know he won't because he is trying to patch his marriage up - remember his wife knew all along and apparantly was 'happy' with the arrangement. Now she has put her foot down and threatened to leave him - I was dropped like a stone. I feel so let down and so hurt by him. Never in a mllion years could I believe pain inside like this. I try to put it behind me but it is all I think about - all the time.
I think about all of our happy times (of which there were many) and I cry and cry. I then remember the time he finished it - he was cold and mean and I was so disappointed in him - yet I still cry for him. Reading what others have gone through I hope that with time this pain will go.
I can't keep feeling like this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? For the thrill and buzz it gave me - was it worth this pain? Problem is I know that I love him. I do love my husband as well but in a different way. Is that possible?
I need to focus all my energy on my family and try and get that balance back - but is so hard with him always on my mind. I constantly wonder where he is, what is he doing? Is he happy? I bet he isn't thinking about me? I am beating myself up with this.
Crying helps but it doesn't take the pain away.
Hugs to everyone xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Mags1 - To be honest, I never thought a woman would understand as Im sure many people are thinking that im just a lying cheating dog who deserves everything I get. I feel like Im a dog so god only knows how everyone else in my circle of family and friends would percieve thisMy affair ended last Friday.The hurt is unbearable at times ad I just want to disappear. I can relate to the way you feel. Everything feels wrong. My wife has noticed a change in me, but i get through this by blaming the stress of work.Im hoping that the hurt will go away, but when I look at my own situation I cannot see light at the end of the tunnel. For the past 20yrs this girl/woman has always been somewhere in the back of my mind. I dont know if I will ever fully get over it. im not eating, Im losing weight and Im not sleeping.Cant believe it - im sitting in my office wiping away tears as I write this. She says she wants me to try and patch things up with my wife as she feels guilty for complicating things, but half of me thinks that I have been used to a degree and now that I have become a sort of emotional burden for her and something she was not ready for after the violence she had experienced from past marriages. All I ever wanted to do was look after her and make up for the time we had missedAll I want is for her to be happy. All I want is for everyone to be happy. For myself I only want to feel loved and appreciated. I hate it when life works out so complicated. I hope things work out for both of us and we find the happiness and fullfillment we deserve. At the moment I really hate myself.
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (28 October 2008):
Good morning - especially to DBB1. We are mirror images. I never thought a man would feel the emotional pain like this. It is breaking me apart. I just want to get on with my life like I was before February this year. Why oh why did I succomb to a cheeky smile, a few flirty words and compliments. I was hooked completely and before I knew it my heart was lost!
My husband is such a good man - I couldn't bear it if he was to find out now. I feel so awful - which is the penalty we pay for having an affair. If I had known that my stomach would churn every minute of the day, I would burst into tears, not sleep properly, not eat properly and above all else miss someone so much it physically hurt - I would never ever have done this. All too late now.
My mind is troubled with black dark clouds. My family don't know why I am behaving like this and it is not fair on them. I try and smile and laugh when all I want to do is ring him up and go back in time - back to another happy time when we laughed at silly things.
Time is a great healer they say - well it better be. Hearts do hurt when they are broken but I do believe they will mend and I am determined to get through this.
This site has helped me a lot - offloading with other people walking in my shoes. Black clouds will lift one day and sunshine will return - but today I am in the middle of an icy snowstorm - I cannot see the sunshine.
Take care xx
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reader, DBB1 +, writes (27 October 2008):
The pain is the killer here for so many reasons. She keeps contacting me occasionally, although I'm fairly sure that this is only due to her feeling obligated to me to a degree.
It hurts like hell. Im a complete mess - she says that I will always be in her life and that this wont change, but i dont think i have ever in the last 18 years or will in the future be able to move on. I feel like I have had my guts wrenched out and am so annoyed that I am acting and feeling like a 16 year old. I haven't cried for a long time but find too that im constantly fighting back the tears, and trying to act like the responsible husband, father and businessman that everyone thinks I am. The weight is becoming unbearable, and may days now I feel that i might snap.
I guess this is the punishment that I deserve for going down this road in the first place. All I content myself with is the fact that its me and not my wife and children that are feeling this way. This dosent help when people believe me to be the upstanding man rather than the dog that I am.
Im torn though and Im pretty sure that I love them both. The old adage of too much love killing you is very true. My wife has been very good to me through most of our marriage, and at the first signs of difficulty I have fallen and found solace in the arms of an ex. I feel really deeply for my ex though and all she has been through, and feel guilty that i was not there to help her.
all i can see is blackness at the moment with no way out.
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female
reader, Mags 1 +, writes (27 October 2008):
Hi again,
I sympathise with the last message from DBB1 especially about hating yourself and feeling you've done something bad and letting yourself and family down. Exactly how I am feeling as well.My family don't know about my affair and it is so hard because I am so depressed and sad all the time. My husband is being so supportive and telling me how much he loves me. So hard because he is a lovely good man. I am living a silent pain and it hurts every single day.
It has been exactly 2 weeks today when my affair finished, which I wasn't ready for at all.In some ways it had to finish but not how it did. I feel so awful wishing I could see him again just to laugh and be together. I know that in reality it will never ever happen but in my dreams I see us together as we were. It is those thoughts and dreams which are holding me back from moving on.
I am convinced he doesn't give me a thought and is carrying along with his happy life with his wife and forgotten me. I am beating myself up about it mentally. Can anyone help? How long does this emotional pain take to go away?
I miss him so much that it physically takes my breathe away and I have to choke back my tears. It is ridiculous - a grown woman behaving like a stupid teenager. I have never felt so alive in those short 8 months - fantasy land - but it was wonderful.
Sorry to sound doom and gloom but it is one of those Monday blue days!
Take care xx
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male
reader, DBB1 +, writes (26 October 2008):
Hi, been looking for some help and advice as I feel very much on my own at the moment and feel that nobody else is in the same boat as myself. Looking at the site however, I feel that there are people who are experiencing the pain I am going through at the moment and can empathize with the situation i find myself in.
I am a man in my mid 30's, married to a woman I have known for over 15 years and have 3 beautiful children by her. Our relationship has always been good, sure, we have had our fair share of quarrels, but nothing ever serious. Recently, however, the relationship has become rocky and I found that, whereas I used to get upset and do my best to make up (whether it was my fault or not) I no longer felt I couldn't make the effort.
A few months ago, a girl who I had a relationship with at school contacted me via facebook and we spent a lot of time talking on MSN. I hadn't spoken to her for nearly 18 years and I was amazed at how instantly we clicked. It transpired that she had left me and gotten involved with some very violent men, had 5 children and was now living 300 miles from where we grew up. The abuse she suffered was so extensive that she had suffered injuries that had nearly paralyzed her. I felt extremely sorry for her and guilty that i had not been there for her. We had been in a relationship for almost 3 years through school and even though it was her that broke it off, I wished in my heart that she didn't have to go through it.
As our conversations progressed, she let it slip that she had never really got over me, and that all the men in her life she had compared to me and that. Im the only person she's ever really loved.
The upshot being that I ended up having an affair with her. I know that this is morally wrong, and that Im risking a lot, but it just seemed to happen and seemed so right. We clicked exactly the way we did when we were kids. In the past I have been very judgmental of friends who have been in similar relationships. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be in a similar position.
I have made the mistake of letting myself fall back in love with her, She was in debt and I gave her £300 to help get her back on her feet, things have turned decidedly cold to the extent where she has now said that she wants to take a back seat and let me sort things out with my wife. She says that she is still there for me and that we will speak every day but my phone calls are not being returned and she never seems to be online.
Half of me feels glad that ive got the opportunity to try and work things out at home, but I'm hurting really badly inside as badly as when we first split, i dont want to think that ive been taken for a ride but part of me feels that way.
On top I now hate myself as I feel that I am a really bad person to have let my personal life get out of control and feelings get out of control like i have. I am a bad person for gambling with the feelings of 3 children and a wife who, for the best part, has been loving and devoted.
This is something I have to work through myself but im feeling lost and depressed.
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female
reader, Mags 1 +, writes (22 October 2008):
Moderator's Note:I think this is the poster of the original question.Well hello people - you are all so special and although others will not agree with what we have done - sometimes these things just do! This site has been my outlet for all my feelings and having like minded people respond has given me a lot of inner calm.I am starting to make peace with myself and my lover and yes - his wife! I am in a wierd situation as you all know - where the wife knew all along and even condoned it! But really she was only doing it to keep her husband happy and she was dishonest to herself.I had to speak to them both yesterday due to a potential situation arising where my family may have found out. I talked to him three times yesterday and although there were angry words - we both realised this could not continue as it was making each of us hurt and have lots of pain. He loves his wife (although I don't think he needed to keep saying that - that hurt a bit!) but he will miss our talks and as he said 'you were my last hoorah!' he told me I was a lovely nice person and that he had fallen in love with me but as things progressed and his wife became more upset he realised it wasn't love with me but that feeling of being in love.He is seeking counselling with his wife.I also spoke to his wife - a bit harder - but in my case this has helped put things into perspective. She is understandably angry but accepts a lot of the blame lies with herself. I have said sorry and she has forgiven me. She has said sorry to me and I have forgiven her. Lots of things were said - some of which has hurt me because he had told her things he promised never to share. Just goes to show - never ever trust a cheater!! I suppose that now includes me! Today is the first day I have not shed one tear for 9 days - I am moving forwards. I hope I don't see them for a long time although it will be inevitable at some point - that will be interesting! I have taken on board what Jane has continued to say - wrap your arms around yourself. I only wish I didn't feel such guilt and yes - shame as well. I have a loving husband and this has made me realise what I may have lost - something positive has come out of it. I will continue to visit this site - as I am sure there will be days when I feel low. Thank you to everyone but particularly Jane - wherever, whoever you are - thanks you from me xxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Hi
I am so glad that I found this site. I have just finished a 5 month affair with a man who has a partner. No I know it's not right and I really have never done anything like this before, It is sometimes unfortunately something that happens.
I feel lost as I love this man so much and have told him to go back and make it work with his partner if that's where he wants to be. I am so hurting inside and although i don't regret having that time with him now, I wished i could turn back the clock.
I am in the same boat as all of you, trying not to call (and visa versa.. I am sure) and it is very hard but I know that it is the right thing to move on for his sake as well as my own.
BE strong AND DON'T CALL HIM OR HER!!!
x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): I reread the guy who wrote....you have to take each day step by step you have to own the pain and see it through...if you do leave your wife....the pain that comes with that is what you should focus on not the woman that you leave her for...Mind yourself, take care of yourself...the message i just posted below I hope helps you 2...you can bear it...you are from what I can read are a strong caring person...who deserves to be as happy as others.BUT GET RID OF THE REMINDERS!!You have to.Take care please.Jane
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Hi guys, my name is 'Jane'. I have written a few times on this site as it has helped me cope because I promise you there were days I thought I would go under..... I have climbed my way inch by inch to get me to today it has been a very hard journey and one which there were days I thought I could not bear....but please listen to me very very carefully....but can bear it...you can and mostly because you have to....you have children, children that dont understand and dont need to understand and dont need their little lives affected and that is the reason we do it...plus and a big plus this is YOUR life...you have only got one....make yourself get through it...this person that you have put on a pedestal is not the right person he just happened to be there and you went for him...no matter how much we want them or need them. Wrap your arms so tightly around yourself..mind yourself...take care of yourself...then put your smile on, make yourself as pretty and self confident as you can and when you dont feel it....fake it!!! I was a stay at home mom, I got out and got a job (I know you work but think of something to do to mix with new ppl and find new positive friends)I am meeting new people, lost 30lbs in weight that I had put on from the stress and upset...I turned the pain into making myself find happiness again... Other ppl are paying me attention and guess what...I don't want to have an affair, one because I am still afraid to ever take the pain again...but also cos I am worth more and YOU are worth more....I know that poor guy listening to the song etc is just awful but don't listen to songs, get RID of the reminders...this is survival mode...go for it!!!! go for it!!!!I am sorry if I went on too much....but we all need to get through this....this is our life and you are a good person who deserves happiness and strength.Good luck to you and please tell us how you are doing.Jane x
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female
reader, Mags 1 +, writes (16 October 2008):
Hi - I cried when I read the last reply. In so many ways your thoughts and feelings mirrored mine. It hurt to read them. In fact I hope that my lover sometimes thinks about me exactly how you described. Does he wonder how I am? Does he think of texting me? Does he have moments of thinking why did he finish it?
We also laughed and talked about everything and anything all the time - we spoke twice a day. Which is why I can't believe he completely finished it in the cold way he did - it wasn't him speaking. I miss him and miss him and miss him that I can barely function. I just want to speak to him again. i want to kiss him like we used to.
I know what you mean about judging - I was the last person to even think of having an affair. I am Mrs Sensible the dependable one. The caring loving one. How could I get myself into this? How could I let my heart be so easily captured by a cheeky smile and a few compliments? I felt the most gorgeous and sexy woman alive for a few months.
I have a kind, good husband who loves me dearly. I have 2 gorgeous children who we all love. I care for my husband very very much and do not want to hurt him for the world. But like you said I believe I have met that one person - but we were both married. Unless we were both prepared to cause chaos in 2 families we could never be truly together.
His last call to me on Monday was awful - I knew it was coming but not like this - not in a phonecall.I thought he'd at least meet me face to face. He said 'We are 100% over. We can no longer be friends. I love my wife and I need to focus on my family. I will not call you again. Your big mistake was to fall in love'. It has broken my heart because I thought he felt the same way. He led me to believe he did. I would quite happily have carried on as things were but not to be.
I am depressed and have lost weight. My whole family are worried about me and I am seeing a counsellor today. The family think it is because of work issues. How awful do I feel deceiving them like that when I am in pain after a broken affair.
With all my heart I wish you all a big big hug because this hurt is awful. We are all good people who have done something 'morally' wrong in the eyes of so many people.I hope that this unbearable pain will go away and I can once more smile at the world and be me again.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Hi, I feel your pain; I ended my 5month affair just over a month ago. I ended things for either the right or wrong reasons but either way I was in no mental state to make such a life changing decision. I never intended the affair to happen, two people got on really really well and chemistry and similar interests took over. I was not sure it was the right thing to do, as deep down I knew I could not hurt my Wife or Children further by taking the next step my lover wanted.If I was a selfish person I would be with my lover still as we were better matched than my Wife and I, my lover also had a body to die for, Sex was out of this world, but most of all we loved nothing more than to spend time together, we would chat about any and everything we never shut up lol! My friends think i'm stupid and say if i’m this sad I should re-think?I had and still have a good relationship with my wife and two wonderful kids so why does my life feel so pointless and empty? I still check my phone, constantly hoping she will txt me and I worry about her like if she get to work ok, how is her illness. She has been in some bad relationships, told me bad things nobody else knows, all I wanted to do was look after her, I feel I have failed her big time. I know I made the choice but my lover wanted me to leave my wife from 2months into our relationship, I said it was too soon, the subject came up far too much, I asked for some time out, the most I ever got was 2 days and still had several texts in between.I still have questions like why did I let myself get involved? What is missing from my current life. I have also learnt never to judge people as I used to hate people who had affairs like how could they… You simply cant say till it happens to you.Since I have been typeing our song (my lover and I ) came on the radio and I cant stop the tears. Good luck and if you find the answer please post it to help the rest of us.
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female
reader, Mags 1 +, writes (12 October 2008):
Hi - me again! You'll hear from me quite a bit at the moment as it is my only way of letting it all out!I have nobody to confide in which is making this very difficult. I am a mental wreck and it is actually harder than I thought to behave like a normal home person. All I want to do is curl up alone and wallow in my own self pity - yet more selfish thoughts. Actually - trying to hide tears from my family is the hardest thing! I can't keep blaming my contact lenses!I have such a lovely family nd I feel so guilty that I am allowing these thoughts of how it all used to be with him interfere with my family. I know things will get easier but right now this hurts. I read one reply which talks about being hit by a brick - exactly how I am feeling. I wish these horrible hurt feelings would go.Affairs usually end in tears - why did I think it would be different!Thank you to the last person who left a message - it helped me a lot to read a reply.Take care x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): Well, I know what you mean about missing the calls although I am in a slightly different situation. I have been married for 5 years, going through a difficult patch with a man married to his job, have 3 young children and was feeling physically and emotionally bereft. An old friend from university came to stay for the weekend, we got together and saw each other for 4 weekends out of 5 months (I live abroad). He finished it last month and is now seeing another married woman with 3 children in his home town. My intimacy with the guy is what I miss.
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reader, Mags 1 +, writes (11 October 2008):
Hi to everyone going through the pain. My affair ended yesterday after a wonderful 8 months.I am happily married ( a lovely kind man) and we have been together since I was 18. Now we are 42 with 2 children. I suppose I wanted a thrill and a buzz in my life. I certainly got that but what pain!
My story is a bit strange. I met him through a theatre company and he charmd me with flattery and a cheeky smile. We met a few times for coffee and a chat. We agreed to meet in a hotel to carry out my fantasy of sleeping with another man! Unfortunately, he wasn't good at hiding his phone and his wife found out early on in the affair before we had slept together. She met me for a drink ( I knew her) and said that it was fine - her and her husband had a very open marriage. They were swingers and she wanted him to have his freedom as long as he returned to her! I was devasted that she knew and so upset. I was going to end it before it went any further and I should have walked away then and there but I was so excited and blown away by the whole thing. I thought it would all be OK. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!
Anyway we have had a wonderful time and spoke on the phone every day except weekends and not after 6pm! We met up in hotels 3 more times - each time the wife knew. This was not exactly the way to have a hidden affair. I met her for coffee and each time she said it was OK but really I knew it was eating her up.She was becoming jealous as I think she thought it would all blow over. I just brushed it under the carpet. I had fallen in love - BIG mistake! He also said he had fallen in love. To be honest I still think we both do love each other but leaving our young families was never an option.
Things came to a head this week when the wife slept with her ex partner to get back at her husband. He found out and they have had a massive argument with words and hurt feelings flying all over the place. I even counselled them both - how bizarre is that! The up shot is that they need to sort themselves out and I have been dropped like a stone. He has told me that he can no longer communicate with me and he has to sort out his marriage.I do understand but I feel like a part of me has been ripped away. We spoke so often we were inseparable and I loved to hear his laugh. I am going to miss him so much but I will get over it. My own marriage is intact and nobody knows. Thank goodness!
I had such a fun time and I am going to miss his phonecalls so so much. It is almost ubearable. I am having to remain normal and myself at home when all I want to do is speak to hime like the old days! The pain is everywhere. I stumbled onto this site and it has made me feel so much better knowing what others have been through.
I know what I did was a selfish act. I regret the pain it has caused to three people and we all bear responsibility for this. I believe things will get better for me - reading what others have said makes me see that it will. I am going to be a loving wife and Mum but a small part of me will always be with him.
I needed to unburden myself - so thank you all
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): 4 months ago, I would've viewed these postings with a sense that this sort of thing could never happen to me. My wife and I have been married for only 2 years (I've known her for 8 years.) She embodies everything that I could've imagined in a perfect partner. She's caring, beautiful, extremely smart, driven and very emotionally stable. Things were perfect with her and we share a ton of interests with each other.
My story goes sour just a few months ago. I used to be a very activity oriented guy. I raced cars on an amateur level, was an avid private pilot, traveled a lot and entered sporting events on a regular basis. I'm also a business owner and the past year, my schedule has kept me working 14-17 hrs per day, 6-7 days a week. Before I knew it, my life became very stagnant. I would get to work before my wife got up and I'd return after she went to bed.
Eventually, I started visiting a bar very late at night after work to unwind and would strike up conversation with the attractive bartender. Even at this stage, I had no intentions of cheating as the topic of our initial conversation was generally about my wife!
To make a long story short, I started really looked forward to this late night venture and eventually developed an emotional bond with this woman. Physical intimacy followed and not that it makes any difference in the semantics of adultery, I always managed to avoid sleeping with her. I wanted to... but, I was scared to.
Earlier this week, I decisively ended my affair. I did this because of the following reasons:
-Pain and regret every time my wife expressed her love for me (which is on a daily basis.)
-Constant sense of guilt and disgust with myself. This has grown to an intensity that I can't stand.
-Realization that these feelings would only get worse and worse over time.
-Realization that I was acting in a manner that was not in accordance with the person I perceived myself to be. I have chastised friends in the past for adulterous behaviour and never expected to lose connection with my moral compass like this.
-Guilt that the person I was seeing was starting to get frustrated and hurt with the futility of the situation (despite the fact that she knew the nature of the relationship from the outset.) The last thing I wanted to do was be the source of anyone's emotional turmoil.
After taking this action, the immediate and overwhelming feeling is one of loss and hurt. I felt like it was a break-up that I DIDN'T want to have happen. I hadn't realized how attached I was until this all came to a halt. I honestly still want to see her. But more than this, I want to get my life back on track, revise my work habits so that the very things that block me from my passions - my wife, my hobbies and other activities - are no longer there.
I want to be healthy again in both mind, spirit and dignity and have made a personal vow to ensure that this doesn't happen AND to avoid scenarios where this could happen. Fortunately, underneath all of the pain of this experience, I do have a sense of liberation with having made a decision that points me in the right direction. What I must do now is focus on what is important to me and strengthening those commitments as best I can. I do realize that I don't deserve my wife. The only thing I can do is commit to her (and to myself) and fulfill the promise and the pledge I made to her 2 years ago on our wedding day. It's true that I've already failed on that front, but this is the least I can do.
The last several days have been extremely difficult, but sticking to my guns and confiding in a VERY close friend has helped make each day a bit easier.
I write this to add to the wealth of comments here. In my own difficult time, many of these comments provide hope and shed some understanding of just how these situations can tackle us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): To the lady who wrote on 17th September I know it is agony it is like a punch in the gut that feels it never will heal. People who said don't have affairs when married maybe were thinking that this is the pain that we get for it. I am out of my affair since xmas and if I see him, hear his name or anything to do with him the pain hits me like a brick. I have tried to stay away from all connections to him but it is proving very difficult but i know i am not crying any more but it is still like a huge weight in my heart...my heart that was crushed when he rejected me. Keep strong tho... he gave you something that was missing in your life and filled it and filled the voids but now he is gone those voids appear much larger then they ever were but really they are not it is all just different. It is so hard at this stage of our lives to deal with the rejection but unfortunately deal with it we must. Wrap your arms around yourself and mind yourself and mind your life. You are a good person who lost their way and he does not deserve your love....but all the words in the world dont stop the pain but you have to learn to cope and live with it and look around your life and remember you have only one dont let anybody drag you down.
Good luck to you and please tell us how you are doing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): My affair ended 7 weeks ago when my husband caught me out. I have been married for 25 years,my marraige had been going through a very bad patch for about 3 years and i decided to attend an evening class where this guy was the teacher. At first we were just friends and found we had lots in common, it was a creative class and it really meant a lot to me, it opened doors for me I thought had been long shut. We had an emotional affair for about a year then slowly things built up until it became physical. He told me constantly how much he loved me and how he wanted me more than anything, we even had daydream plans of what kind of life we would have if we could be together. He said he had not loved his wife in years (he was also married 25 years). I fell for him hook, line and sinker. When my husband confronted me I had to tell him everything. My husband then confronted my affair, who told him he did love his wife, he did not really love me, I made him feel good but that was it. He also said he would not allow me back at my classes and that he would turn and look away if he seen me in the street. I am devastated, for my husband and what I have done to him and my marraige, and also because I feel so totally betrayed by this man. He was always so kind and caring I could not believe what I was hearing. I have since sent him two letters asking him about these things and asking him if he meant any of the things he told me and he has not replied. I seen him last week and asked him what it was all about and he replied "I got caught up in the moment" is a year and a half a moment? I feel so used and lied to and its torture. I had only ever been with my husband physicaly before I met this man so it has completely devastated me to think he only used me for sex. I only thank god that I never actually went all the way with him, but it is bad enough.
I am now trying to rebuild my marraige, I am very lucky as my husband has been wonderfull about everything, he is very caring and anxious to get our marraige back on track. I totally regret this affair, I loved this man and feel totally let down and stupid. Its agony.
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reader, smudgecat +, writes (13 September 2008):
I feel for you. I am there too but in a different way. I have been happily married to a kind and faithful man for 25 years but for a while I have been having a long distance affair with an old boyfriend - we were together when I was 18 and now I am almost 47! We hadnt been in contact all those years but 10 months ago he contacted me via email and we started emailing daily. Within about 3 weeks I was longing to sleep with him. But he lives abroad and has a family etc etc. My husband works long hours and is sometimes away overnight so I get lonely...So we just emailed and spoke on the phone, texted etc. Never knew before that one could have email/text/phone sex! it was so exciting. Then 5 weeks ago he came to England and we spent a night together in a hotel. Very risky but very wonderful. Since then he has avoided speaking to me and the emails have been very few and far between. Then 3 days ago he emailed me to say that he wanted to stop as it is too risky. We have spoken on the phone and agreed to continue to be friends but no more. I have deleted him from my mobile phone to stop me being tempted to contact him. I know I have to get on with things and I know that the relationship has been taking my energy away from other things. I have let my real life slip in some ways and it is time to get back on track. I just hope we can remain friends, but it may be hard - that attraction is very difficult to resist. I am not sure if either of us will be able to cope with that. If someone had told me a year ago that all this would have happened I would have been astonished and proabably fairly appalled. But I dont regret it, it has been lovely to be back in touch with him, he is interesting and talented, and to be friends would be lovely, even though it will still have to be a secret relationship.To get over it I now plan to see my friends, do nice things and be kind to myself. Give myself space and time. I am going to do an education course to keep me busy when my husband is absent.I just hope that I can limit my emails so that we can develop a more casual approach as with any other friendship. It is going to be difficult.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): just saw your messages....MOVE ON...I promise the pain will eat you up if you don't...get strength from somewhere...get help but move on...these type of people wreck your head.
Look at life around you, appreciate it...men are not the answer to all our happiness and to our well being.
I am out of it 6 months and i am a new person in the last 4 weeks. Go for it...don't ever look back.
I wish you well and let us know how you are doing.
Jane
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): i stumbled onto this site as well. i cheated on my husband this weekend with a guy i've been friends with for several years and i'm disgusted with myself. 3 years ago, he was engaged to be married when he started flirting very suggestively with me and one thing led to another and we had phone sex. i was shocked and thought he was just scared about getting married but it continued and i got sucked into it. my husband travels a lot and i am often lonely trying to raise 3 kids by myself. we justified it by saying it was a joke between friends and nothing more and tried to keep up the facade that we were just friends and nothing would or could ever happen for real. i really believe we were both adamant about not wanting anything to happen for real. we didn't talk at all for about 5 months last spring, then he called me in july to tell me he and his wife were splitting up. i tried to not give in to the flirting but by september we were at it again. and by at it, i don't mean a lot, maybe the phone sex thing has happened 6 or 7 times since then... but i got sucked in and used him as a crutch to deal with the loneliness of my husband never being home. talking to him was like a high that i'm sure i've become addicted to. last friday, we were talking about normal stuff when somehow he ended up at my place and we crossed the line. i feel terrible. i care about him a lot as a friend and feel sad that we've messed that up. i wish none of this happened. i'm more upset about being unfaithful to my husband who i do love, despite some of our issues... sorry for not answering any questions, just dropping my own baggage. i haven't talked to my friend since the night it happened, just a few emails expressing confusion and regret from both of us. we are supposed to talk tomorrow night. i'm really scared and feel like i'm going to throw up.
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reader, jelleybean +, writes (11 June 2008):
i stumbled onto this site as well. i cheated on my husband this weekend with a guy i've been friends with for several years and i'm disgusted with myself. 3 years ago, he was engaged to be married when he started flirting very suggestively with me and one thing led to another and we had phone sex. i was shocked and thought he was just scared about getting married but it continued and i got sucked into it. my husband travels a lot and i am often lonely trying to raise 3 kids by myself. we justified it by saying it was a joke between friends and nothing more and tried to keep up the facade that we were just friends and nothing would or could ever happen for real. i really believe we were both adamant about not wanting anything to happen for real. we didn't talk at all for about 5 months last spring, then he called me in july to tell me he and his wife were splitting up. i tried to not give in to the flirting but by september we were at it again. and by at it, i don't mean a lot, maybe the phone sex thing has happened 6 or 7 times since then... but i got sucked in and used him as a crutch to deal with the loneliness of my husband never being home. talking to him was like a high that i'm sure i've become addicted to. last friday, we were talking about normal stuff when somehow he ended up at my place and we crossed the line. i feel terrible. i care about him a lot as a friend and feel sad that we've messed that up. i wish none of this happened. i'm more upset about being unfaithful to my husband who i do love, despite some of our issues... sorry for not answering any questions, just dropping my own baggage. i haven't talked to my friend since the night it happened, just a few emails expressing confusion and regret from both of us. we are supposed to talk tomorrow night. i'm really scared and feel like i'm going to throw up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I have just found this site and was really interested in reading the postings. I am currently going through the pain of trying to get over an affair. I am single, and for the last year have been seeing a man that I originally met over six years ago. When I first met him he was going through his divorce, and we started having a relationship, but as he was going through alot of 'stuff' at the time, he finished with me, and we then just became,'friends' I saw him on and off over the next couple of years, we got on great, physically and mentally, but he just did not want to commit at the time....somehow we drifted apart (I got abit tired of just seeing him now and again and wanted more) a year passed and no contact, then two years ago we bumped into each other again, and I found out he had remarried to another women, it seems he had not known her too long.... I did the right thing at the time and although I was pretty cut up that he had married someone he had only known for a short time, I stayed away, and tried to move on. He text me from time to time but I resisted the meetings...until that is last November, he came round to see me and it appeared he thought he may have made a mistake!!! in marrying this women, (his words) so pretty much the rest is history, we began seeing each other, (on his terms of course) we had good evenings together, meals out etc., sex was fantastic, but he never stayed the night and of course weekends and holidays were out!!! Although each time I saw him it was good, the feelings I had after he had left made me so miserable, even hearing from him every other day by text did not really make me feel much better....so last Friday after a lovely evening together I decided to tell him enoughs enough!!! He pretty much made it clear that 'things were not going to change' and I told him I deserve much more, and that was it. Its now Tuesday and I have not heard from him at all. Of course the sensible side of me knows its for the best, and time hopefully will heal, but God does it hurt. I loved that man for six years, and stupidly, lived in hope we would eventually be together...anyway, now I know, of course he was only in it for the sex (although he says not!!!) I have been trawling through these sort of websites as it does bring some sort of comfort that I am not alone (not many of my friends are too understanding as they have not been there)
Its not really sympathy we are after, just some understanding without the judgement. After all every one makes mistakes, and we are the only ones getting hurt.
I just hope I can stay strong, and although I of course desperately would love him to call me and say he cannot live without me I do know better, and know he won't.
If anyone is going through similar at the moment you have my thoughts, but as the saying goes 'What does not kill us, makes us stronger' I really really hope so
Take care, be strong and look forward to a kind honest single and available man coming into our lives
Trish
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): I feel your pain I am out of my affair 6 months now and the pain is just as fresh. It is like a knife everytime and think about him and see him. I wish you luck, there is no easy answer. Mind yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I am about 3 weeks out from having ended my affair. We decided we could be "friends." However, we have become so much less than that as the weeks have progressed. He has not contacted me in days and I am so sad. I need to move on, I know, but it is so hard! We've known each other for over 35 years. And we were "just friends" before it moved to first an emotional affair, then, briefly, physical. Now we have nothing. And it hurts so very badly. I am concentrating on NOT contacting him anymore and trying to rebuild with my husband, who really is a wonderful person. We just drifted apart these past few years and neglected our marriage. Not an excuse for an affair, but there it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): hey, sorry have not been around. to the lady who wrote on the 12th....you have got to get through this you have to and you have to do it yourself and for yourself...the pain will go and hopefully we will see that we got out of it and moved on. you didn't let him know you fell apart and hold onto that and hold your head up.
good luck to you you are not alone.
Jane
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): went out tonight and saw my ex married man...he was with his wife and totally ignored me...all I deserve, feel so down, why did i get involved with this guy. it hurts so much.
Reading your responses has helped me a huge amount but i need some advice today and is anyone out there who can help me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): When you have an affair with someone it is a fantasy. It seems like your both "soul mates" and perfect for each , "if only you were both free to be together!" The truth is it would be just like any other realtionship you had but lack of everyday reality (like cooking, cleaning ,washing, finances, kids etc...) prevents the relationship from developing normally. This leaves you with the believe you picked the wrong partner. Neither of you is being real because you are secretly living ina fantasy. If you actually left your partner(s) it would be long before old patterns would kick in and you'd find yourself back where you started, so be glad it's over and spend some time now trying to figure out what was missing in your life in the first place and invest in YOU!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): i just saw my ex tonight and it was so hard...I am trying to get over him but it is proving very difficult. Thanks for all the advice, any help anyone can give would be so much appreciated.
I want to tell him not to leave me but it is pointless and so distructive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): I have recently decided to stop the affair I have with my boy toy. It is very difficult but I have to do it. I just completely cut him off without informing him. It's been 4 days now and I'm totally missing him. Part of me wants to continue the affair, the other part wants to live a straight life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Hi Jamie and all!!Come on if anyone feeling down...log on and we can all support each other, we deserve to be helped and supported.The past few weeks have been mixed for me...felt I wanted to leave my husband, but I don't know why I don't, I don't know if I am scared to do so or too lazy, but I have kids and I just can't hurt their little lives I just can't so I look for anything in life that makes me happy and helps to put the pain behind me. I think i resent my affair ending most of all for it making me examine every aspect of my personality and I still think as much about my affair when I was in it as I do when I am out of it and I resent that also, but most of all I resent that I am not as happy as I was when I was in it or before it started...I don't even know if that makes sense...but one thing does I am determined to get through it...I am going to fight even with myself everyday to move on from it.It is the seeing him and the constant reminders that hurts cos when I bump into him it all comes flowing back the old feelings...but that is not good enough.I think we should think of saying to ourselves...we had the affair..so with that comes pain, of course it does, and we are feeling it...is that better then others involved feeling it..but are they feeling it anyway when we get upset and down in ourselves in inadvertently take it out on them....I don't know but I think life deals some hands to people who can withstand pain...and if we stick together in helping each other be better and stronger people then maybe that will be the good outcome.Lets take each step slowly forward in rebuilding our self confidence, self worth and get the happiness that we deserve as much as everyone else in life.For the lady who had an affair with her boss...it will get better...remember it has to and you will feel better and don't be too hard on yourself..be kinder to yourself and take things slowly.Good luck and lets keep trying and let us know how you are all doing.I need this site anyway for now..it is perhaps the only place I can be honest even with myself.Good luck.Jane
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): I was having an affair with my boss and he broke it off he wants to be friends but its hard for me to see him as a fried I'm very dreppessed I don't know what to do myself so I really cant give you advice but i can tell you for sure I know what you are going through!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): I get this only all too well. I started having an affair with a former manager several months back. It started out as just long walks and alot of talking. I really loved it and it made me realize that the marriage I was in, was not working, and well abusive and destructive. The married man ended everything after xmas because he felt that it was wrong and was guilty. It hurt like hell. But, it was the right thing. My husband and I separated a couple of months later. I still kept in touch with the married man and then things started heating up in e-mails again. So, I have decided to go cold turkey. Although my relationship with him helped me get the courage to get out of a bad marriage, I don't want to be second choice to anyone. Does it hurt? oh yah, like crazy... but I know I deserve better.
From what I have read, the pain does go away.. and for those of you who can make your marriages work, try.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Hi ladies,
Jane - I think you had a great idea...whenever we feel like we want to contact the guy or are feeling down, let's post instead! This site has helped me so much as well. Sorry I haven't been around, I have been sick with the flu and I wasn't able to get online much. Anyway, with my situation, I see the guy all the time, because we're coworkers (who work in very close proximity to each other, unfortunately). As I said in an earlier posting, he thinks I am fine with the whole thing ending and we can be "just friends," which I act like I'm OK with, but I'm not. I act that way only to keep my pride intact. What makes me mad is that he still makes flirty comments and says he wishes he could go back to fooling around, but the guilt just got to him. We never slept together, but came close to doing so. We texted constantly and had an emotional connection as well (besides the obvious physical one). He is just unhappy in his marriage, but that's not my problem. I have said this before in my posts, too - I never thought I would do something like this, and I take blame for what I did, but I blame him more. Doing anything with him never entered my mind until he started flirting with me. My husband and I were going through a bad patch, and things just went from there. The sad part is that we really could have been good friends if this didn't happen, we think alike about a lot of the same things and get along really well. (Well, we did, anyway - now I feel nothing but disgust for him.)
Anyway, my friends keep telling me that unless I tell him off, he will keep up the flirting and inappropriate comments. They're right - I just hate to do so, because I don't want him to know that I still have feelings for him. Also, I have to work with him (and will for a long time) and I don't want to cause an even more uncomfortable situation.
Joss - I read your post and I couldn't agree with you more. The men are selfish, and by staying friends, they want to keep a hold on you and maintain control. I also think it's because they want to make themselves feel better about themselves and make you think that they are not such a bad guy after all. Staying friends, as I found out, is impossible. The only reason I stay civil with the guy, as I said, is so that I keep what pride I have left. I was so embarrassed after he ended things, so acting indifferent is a way of gaining some self-respect back. It's just so hard, and I understand what you're going through.
I have also thought of telling his wife, but then thought, what's the point? I would hate to hurt her, and my husband doesn't know either, so we both have a lot to lose. So there is no way I would tell her, although sometimes I feel that she does deserve to know. She deserves better than him, that's for sure.
Jane is right...take it one day at a time, because time really does help. And be nice to yourself! We made mistakes, but we are learning from them and I feel like we are sincere when we are trying to make things better.
Take care, everyone - I'll check back soon.
Jamie
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): hi joss,
I know it is hell going through this, my advice to you would be, if you do tell, which yes you could of course, but think of the kinda pain of living with yourself also, it may be a grand gesture and I know you want them to feel the hurt that you are bitterly feeling now, but I don't think it works like that..i.e. will it ease your pain..yeah in a just world it might but you know it won't really and it may just most likely make it worse. I spent so long thinking how can I make it that I am okay how can i do it cos the pain is so bad but you know what there is no easy answer time helps but what is so hard is the reminders of him so be prepared for that...be prepared that you are going to hurt, that I am afraid is a fact. I backed away from him and did the ignoring...now I see him, bump into him, see him in traffic and he never bothers with me now and I miss him sooo much...but what can we do...nothing really. Yeah I could tell his wife but what good would it do it may make us feel better for awhile but unless we are made of stone I think it would be hard to live with causing more pain because look how hard it is for us to deal with this and we have really hurt ourselves. The issue with your husband I don't know, I did not tell mine, I think it depends on your husband and it depends on what you think it may achieve if for the better then ok?? but give yourself time if you are not sure you both deserve that.
Try to look after yourself and put effort into yourself and mind yourself then you will be able to make other things in your life better.
I feel like the pain crushes me sometimes and other days I cope. Just take it easy, take one day at a time, and be nice to yourself, be easier on yourself and life will become easier...it has to, that is our deal as women.
Good luck Joss and please tell us how you are doing...this site has helped me greatly and I hope it does you.
Jane
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reader, Joss +, writes (9 March 2008):
Thanks for all your advice and help. I too just ended an affair, or rather he ended it but insists upons still being friends which I'm learning that I cannot accept. I just feel so awful. I keep calling him and yelling at him for refusing to carry on with me, even though he has a girlfriend and I am married, just because the hurt is so great that sometimes I feel that I can't control it. And then all that is followed by feelings of extreme humiliation and lack of self-respect. After reading all of your responses, I deleted his number from my phone and have decided to return all the books, etc. that he's lent me. I don't want to shift the blame entirely onto him, but I think that there's a real problem with the men wanting to continue to be friends afterwards. I feel that it's highly manipulative and essentially just means that they want to keep you on a string, control you, have the option of drawing upon your feelings for them/desire for them at any point, and making sure that you won't tell anyone who might tell their partner or tell them yourself. This wanting to be friends things afterwards, especally when there is a difference in how you feel about eachother is, I believe very selfish and ultimately fairly evil on their parts. But it's SO HARD when they feed you lines about your being so precious to them that they think it doesn't do either of your or level of connection justice just to stop talking. Are other people having this problem? I could really use some support in this area. Also, I can't decide whether I should tell me husband and, though I'm ashamed to admit it, I sort of want to tell his girlfriend what an manipulative creep he is. How do you deal with these feelings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): yes I agree, lets use this site to help each other to through the hard times and lets here about the good times also!
Gail
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Hi Jaimie,
Great to hear from you and I am so glad you are getting there, things are improving still here but I have not really seen him, I have seen his partner alot and I feel, I maybe imagining it, but she twists the knife in and I always end up a wreck when I see her...I don't know why I keep up the contact maybe it is guilt or maybe subconsiously it is my connection with him...I hope it is not the latter. It is still very hard every day but I am definitely 1 million times better then I was a few weeks ago..in fact I am a new person and alot due to this site. Lets try and do it together..I mean if we ever feel down or feel like making contact when we know it will be harmful to us..lets post on this site instead.
What do you think...and please keep smiling we are getting through it and it will make us better and stronger people.
Jane
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): Jane - I am the person who wrote first on Feb. 9th and also posted on the 10th...I'll call myself Jamie. Yes, I agree - I have been feeling much better after reading everyone's replies. You are right - it's our life and we can move on! We owe it to ourselves! Keep in touch - I check back on here just to see if there are new postings, so if you ever need to "talk", just post.I also am on a diet and feel better about myself already (I've lost 15 pounds so far). My husband doesn't know anything about what happened, so, like you, my pain is private, but I am making an effort to be a better wife and person in our relationship and things have been so much better lately.Take care, and I hope you're doing well!Jamie
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): sorry I was the third person who wrote on February 9th not the second.Regards,Jane
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): I don't know about you guys but I am feeling a whole lot better since I last wrote (second person on 9th Feb)..I was feeling so down but after reading your messages it has helped me greatly and thank you for that. We can do it girls we can all be ok because guess what we have to be it is our life too. Good luck to us all and please update and let me/us all know how you are doing.it is confusing with no name so I am going to call myself..Jane.So every best wishes and happiness to us all.Regards, Jane!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): I am the first person who posted on February 9th. In response to the other postings: I know what you are going through. I believe you when you say that you never thought you would have an affair, because neither did I. Only a couple of my friends know, and thank goodness they didn't abandon me. Only one person was judgmental and told me she couldn't be friends with me anymore. All I can say to that is people do not know what they would do unless they are in the situation themselves - I agree with you completely on that. I never told my husband, either, because he never would have forgiven me, even though I honestly regret it and it is over. The pain was (and still is) worse because I feel like I am hiding something from my husband and it is something I am going through privately. I stopped the affair and am glad it's over, but I think about the other guy all the time, and unfortunately, I see him all the time as well, which makes it REALLY hard. He thinks I am fine with the whole thing and we can go back to just "being friends," which has been hard for me. I have tried to distance myself, because I think stopping all contact is the best idea. I think that would really help, but it sounds like you've stopped talking to him already, though. Have you seen a therapist? I started seeing one after one of my friends talked me into it, and just talking about the situation made me feel so much better. I also bought a great book on the topic and it validated what I was going through as well. I hope your situation gets better...I know what you are going through, but try as hard as you can to move on. You deserve to be happy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): All as I know from experience is that you cope with the loss and the pain...you learn to cope but you have to take every day at a time...concentrate on feeling good about yourself again...put effort into looking good..it helps. I gained about 28lbs when I lost my affair but I am on a good diet and am feeling better..take it slowly and mind yourself...the pain doesn't go but you do deal with it and it does ease. Anyway if you have kids you do not have the time to get down for too long cos you still have to be there for them...that is life and life takes over. I cannot make love to my husband either I just can't but you are different to me...I never told him..I sort of felt the pain was private to me..maybe I should have but I didn't.
good luck and time will make it easier...that is the answer I am affraid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I am in the exact same situation. I NEVER thought that I would be the one who would wonder off and fall in love with someone else. I thought that I would be the strong one but it didn't work out that way. Many people can say how wrong it is and to grow up and get a life or whatever it is that we say when we've never been in that situation,but thats the whole point, you don't know what you would do until you are put in that situaion. My husband was very mean to me and made me feel extremely incomplete and he was fully aware of it. Amazingly, he said he was doing it on purpose and he didn't know why. I dealt with it for 6 years...the feeling of depression, low self esteem, incompleteness but at the same time I still loved him and cared for him. Then it happened...I met this man one summer and it started off so completely innocent. Before we knew it we were madly in love with each other. For the first time in years, I was comlete, happy and believe it or not, losing weight. Several people around me noticed how confident and happy I was all of a sudden and well, so did my husband. I could not bear to do this to him any longer and I couldn't take being in our loveless marriage so I told him everything. All of a sudden, he becomes this unbelievable romantic husband. Its like this affair made him realize that he was losing something important. I am grateful, but I felt and still feel like it was a great change but it came too late. I decided to let my affair go to work on us but it has proved unbelievably hard. I've become resentful I guess, I HATE making love to my husband. My closest friend keeps telling me that the feeling will leave in time, but right now, its really hard giving myself to him. I'm still in love with my affair but he doesn't communicate with me anymore. Its hard...I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. I'm not financially stable enough to leave my husband and I'm pretty sure he is aware of this, so I'm stuck. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly, i would do anything for him...he is a great guy, but I'm not there with him emotionally anymore. We still talk, play around just like before, but underneath, I'm suffering. I keep myself busy so that I can't have time to think about the other man, but when I have just a little time to think, I'm thinking of him and I'm extremely sad. I lose all concentration just thinking of him. I wonder if he EVER thinks of me. I gave almost all of my heart to him. He made me feel like I've never felt. I'm even willing to say that I believe that you can find your soulmate a little too late. That is what happened here with me. I just don't know how to get him out of my mind, I'm so miserable...any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): To the person who wrote on February 4th: Thank you for writing. I do know exactly how you feel, because I am in almost the exact situation as you are (the only difference is I haven't been married for as long as you and I don't have kids). I am glad you are forgiving yourself and focusing on your marriage. The whole process has been painful, but to save my marriage it is worth it, and I know you feel the same way. And to those of you who think you would never be in a situation like this: trust me, I am the absolute last person anyone would think would do something like this and I never thought in a million years that I was capable of doing something like this, either. I always looked down upon men and women who cheated and thought they were terrible people. However, when you are lonely or feeling unappreciated, things can happen. It is more complicated than that, but that's the best way I can think to phrase it. I am not making excuses for my behavior, but I can honestly say I know now how people can cheat. It is the worst decision I ever made, but I see why it happened. Moving on and healing has been so much harder than I thought, but as time goes on, it really has been better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Thanks to the person who wrote on February 4th...I am the one who wrote on January 16th..your story has inspired me..it has helped me and thank you. Things are getting better and I suppose it is true what they say that time is a great healer. I still see him occasionally and it is like a knife in my heart...he flirts outrageously with my friends and I suppose that is what he does, his thing, but I just took it too seriously, I should have known better, I needed him and I wish every day that I hadn't and pray that it will all go. I meet his partner all the time and she constantly tells me and everyone what a perfect life they have together...I guess they do she seems happy...but it hurts..I am trying to move on..I am getting there slowly. I have cut him out of my life where I can so I hope I can keep it together.
Thank you for what you wrote and good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): I am in a similar situation. I never actually had sex with the other man, but we exchanged very long conversations and text messages (God knows those text messages start becoming more addicting than the actual person!). He is married, and I have been married 10 years and have two children,and my husband is WONDERFUL, but I felt ignored and unappreciated at one point, and contacted an ex (him), like an idiot, just to have someone to talk to. You'd be surprised at how many women are judgemental, just like some of the ones on this page, who really don't want to hear that you are going through something, so when you need someone to talk to, you talk to whomever will really hear you out, which most likely is some horn-dog that wants something from you, and at that point you don't even care. Anyway, long story short, I recently ended this "thing" and set up marriage counseling with a Christian counselor, and my husband is aware of everything. I emailed this person and told him that I could no longer have any contact and that I don't want to be the reason he is wrecking his marriage, and vice-versa, and that is that. It is KILLING me not to call! It is killing me not to have any contact at all. ITs amazing how fast you can fall for someone one when they seem to be fulfilling something your spouse isn't, even if its a compliment or a shoulder to cry on. It sounds spoiled, but some of you married women know exactly what I am talking about. Women like to talk, men don't listen and women start fantasizing about cheating, or they just cheat! Anyway, all I can say is that I am just now getting back into praying and church-going ,and my husband and I have laid everything out on the table. I think about the other guy ALL THE TIME, but it gets easier everyday, to move on. All I can say is that time heals everything, and PLEASE keep yourself busy. IF not, you will have time to think about it, and you'll find yourself plotting on how to "accidentally" run into that person, while wearing "this old thing." . I hope this has helped. It felt good to write it, becasue again, this is pretty fresh in my life too and I am at teh beginning stateges of letting go, and forgiving myself, and focusing on my marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): Life is getting harder... I am forty and married with 3 lovely children.. I was doing ok i suppose until this guy persued me and chased me for years, he was so funny and made me laugh so much...I fell for him, I tried not to but I did. He made loads of passes at me eventually I responded, then he cut me off, he stopped calling really cut me off completely. I would never call him or make contact but I am broken, I am devasted and I can't get myself together. Maybe for those of us who are lonely we are chosing the wrong guys. I am trying to focus so much on the good things I have in my life but I still bump into him and the pain comes back...it is so stupid and i feel so so stupid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): As a married woman who has been cheated on, I find it hard to forgive women who cheat with married men. Have alittle respect for your fellow sisters. I could never do that to another woman, as I know how badly it hurts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): i can't believe the response (dated 15th December) what the heck..... firstly, when women marry men, how do they get them...don't think it is always all innonence and love, yeah right, it is calculated and worked out by the women to get the men and it is just that some women are better playing it then others, it is a game, snag him and bag him in alot of cases. So then the women who have the affair are the pits of the earth... that is so unfair maybe they have been totally devasted by a broken relationship or their 'inability to play the game' and then they are the worst in the world cos they need attention and yes they look for it in the wrong places, but they bloody get it and i am sorry but i don't feel 100% sorry for the wives all the time. I am happily married but i can emphatise cos i am a woman and it is a lonely place out there and crap happens. sorry i am cynical but maybe life made me so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): If it's help you want then try helping yourself by dropping the selfpity. You put yourself into this situation deal with it. You weren't as special as you were tricked into believing...yes tricked! If you don't agree with this....is he calling you anymore? I think you have your answers. You weren't getting any attention you were getting lies....he obviously didn't put any value on you or your so called love affair...if he did, he wouldn't have ran out of your life as fast as he entered it. I think you allowed this affair to flatter you. Cheaters are selfish and immature..... they only take a look at their actions when they are forced to face the consequences after being caught. Only then do they feel bad... when it now works agaisnt them. So if you're looking for pity...I doubt you'll get any. If he can lie to his wife he'll lie to you.... To him you were easy...easy to use...and easy to forget....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): I cannot empathize with you on this one, you caused all of the problems you are now faced with, it's called karma and you have to take responsibility for it now. My husband cheated on me with a co-worker for approximately 5 months. The other women ended the affair about 7 months ago and although he says he knows what he did was wrong, still loves me and feels great guilt over what he did to us, he is going through a lot of depression and is having a difficult time letting go of what they shared. He promises that it is over, but he still works with this women and has to see her on a daily basis, which keeps the wounds fresh and makes it hard to move on. As you can imagine this makes reconnecting hard for us, just when I think we are making a breakthrough, something at work will bring the memories back and we are back at square one again.
I am the wife who has never cheated, but the only reward I get is the job of holding his hand while he pines over another women. So where do you think this leaves me, it leaves me with doubt for the future, fear that they will start seeing each other again, anger that he's having trouble letting go, distust, low self-esteem and a broken heart. The only hope I have is the word of a cheater that after all this he still loves me and want's our marriage to work.
So Please don't try to make the rest of us feel sorry for you because your love affair has ended what's left is the destruction and disaster, that by the way you caused, suck it up and move on, and if you have any respect for your husband be honest with him and give him what he deserves, namely a wife who is ready to commit wholeheardely to their marraige, without all the excess garbage she has brought to her life. Your husband deserves nothing less.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): I'm in a similar situation. I feel like I must have terrible self worth to continue thinking of this guy. Like a previous person wrote, affairs are created upon lies and deceit. There can be nothing good which can come from your affair. This is what I keep telling myself. I'm trying to have dignity and not feel like he must be together with me if he doesn't want to (yet he didn't care when I was uncomfortable about starting a relationship with him, he kept right on aggressively persuing me). I'm trying with all I can to NOT CALL. I'm praying to God to not get me into another situation like this again and to try to give me feelings for my husband and whatever it is I'm missing from my marriage so I don't need to seek elsewhere. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Please for the love of God, that's if you love God, leave the fellow alone. He is trying to do the right thing. Why would you keep setting him back? If you care about him let him go. If you don't care for him and only yourself keep trying your hardest to get him back into a forbidden place that he seems to have finally escaped from!!! Either that or he has moved on to his next affair. Do something good for the atmosphere and pray for him. If that doesn't help you get a vibrator and slowly ween yourself from being a sexual preditor.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): hes not interested in you, painfull but true. he is scared that you will tell his wife, thats the only reason he is answering your calls. you knew he was married.you are both selfish people. all you both cared about was satisfying your own selfish needs. what about your husband and his wife,what about the children involved in this affair.leave the man alone and if your not happy in your marriage get out of it and stop being so selfish.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): Some people actually think that if you're having an affair you should split up from your spouses and pursue it. If either if you won't do it, then maybe that person doesn't want the relationship that badly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): I'm in a very similar situation. My affair break up is very fresh, he is going through a divorce and says he needs to sly under the radat, which he has said before and then we've seen each other. I'm confused and although I care about him I've not allowed myself to fall in love with him which is the defense you HAVE to have up when having an affair or it will eat you alive. Remember that there is deceit and lies to have an affair so how can you trust feelings that come out of it. DO NOT CALL!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): Hi all, I have been agonizing over my husband's "affair" (Emmotional affair) for 10 years. I do trust him now and I know it was the other woman who was provoking the affair, even going to the extreme of coming to our church and sitting next to him in class, while I taught another class; and even to the point of being in the Easter play that year and me giving her the lead part! Its not the fact that he did this, I understand why it happened - it is the fact that he told her he loved her and he felt sorry for her and showed her concern for her "situation" - she had just married an older man for money and didn't love him and he felt "sorry for her" -- I know it was just an excuse. Her first husband was killed in a traumatic construction accident a few months prior, but she was cheating on him when he died! But through her moaning to him everyday about her loveless situation, they developed this attraction. I think it was all planned on her part, but he fell for it hook, line and sinker. Even going to the extreme of "having their own song." We have never had a song! that is the kind of things that hurt. He doesn't say I love you to me, but he told me and she told me that he kissed her and told her that he loved her. All she wanted was for him to get off work and go to the Holiday Inn for the day, (which he didn't) she didn't want him for good. She wanted someone with money at home (which is not my husband) and then wanted her boy toy on the side for sex. "He thought she really loved him" and when he found out of course he comes back to the wife of 17 years and two kids that he left at home and just said "get over it" "I know I made a mistake" and even to this day, he says the same thing. It is not about me getting over it. It is about what he did. It is not about ME and the fact that he can't tell me he loves me, but within a three-month relationship he told her, he cared for her feelings and consoled her, and when I lay in bed and cry he just ignores me and never even puts his arm around me so I just lay there and cry and wish this had never happened. It is not about me getting over it, it is about the fact that "they had a song together and developed an emmotional "so-called" bond with things like songs and words and caring. I know my husband is a good man, good father, but he is also a man that doesn't like to talk about problems, he just wants them to go away. I don't know how to make these feelings go away and as he says "Just forget about it , it was a long time ago" Am I the probelm? I have prayed for this feeling to leave me and not to have this on my mind ever again, but then one day I'll just be working, not having a clue and it all creeps back in and I get upset again.
Thanks for listening
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): Just want to let you know that you are not alone. The same thing is happening with me. I know I am in love with this guy and he consumes my every thought. My only problem is how to heal from this. I also know I am no longer in love with my husband. I have tried so hard to feel something (anything) its almost like this guy has possessed my very soul. Good Luck to you. I think you need to totally cut the strings and move on. It is the only way it is a very bad addiction.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007): My affair has messed up my marriage. Maybe irreversibly. The woman I broke it off with is a wreck now. My wife is a wreck now. I've hurt so many people. I feel great guilt, and shame. My wife gets so hurt that it pours out as anger now. It's destructive to any rebuilding hopes we might have. The lies are what did it. The betrayals. It's all so bad. I've not contacted the other woman for over a year now, and my wife still tells me I didn't end it. She still calls her my girlfriend. She is so filled with rage and hate and anger and hurt. And all that is getting even more destructive than the affair was. I was so wrong. So wrong. And there is no way to take it back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): To all of you "holier than thous" that are so quick to judge.......People make mistakes. We're human... we screw up. Its hard to imagine what a situation is like until youre in it... And dont think that you all are too high up on the food chain to get caught up in something like this too...believe me, it happens.
I got caught in an affair, but mostly because I realized a few years into my marriage that I just plain married the wrong person. We had nothing in common, no similar likes, and barely even touched each other (and still dont, unfortunately). Counseling was never an option, as my husband is an emotional abuser and he believes that we're just fine. My first mistake was marrying the man I did. The affair, as harsh as it sounds, in my eyes was far less of a mistake than my marriage. However, affairs dont work either, and I had a painful ending with that too.
I know this post was from a while back, but realize that this is going to do nothing but make you miserable as long as you let it. Send a letter, write an email, have contact without contact (if you know what I mean) and let him know that this is over for good. You will have the closure you need. Then resist any and all urge to contact him. IVILLAGE.com has a great discussion board for support for ending your affair. Be strong....this too shall pass!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): I wish people would think of the other people invovled in an affair the hurt wife or husband, try and concentrate on the ones you married.....life is boring but does it mean that everyone in the world should have an affair cos of it.....cor if it was that easy.....trouble is men dont think of the consquences where as a woman does well I would anyway......marriage is for life whats the point of making all those vows if you dont mean it....betrayal is worse than someone dying unless you have had it done to you you cant imagine what it feels like....leave the man alone and get on with you life lady.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): First of all I think you are wrong. You have no right to mess up someone else life or yourself. You need to put yourself in the other person place and think about someone other than yourself. Men have done this to women for years and now it seems women are just as wrong we need stop acting like men and start acting like ladies again. Nothing good comes out of an affair.....your just damaging yourself and when a good love comes your way ask yourself " Does this person deserve damaged goods?" Move on!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): Hi, I am in the same boat right now. My affair just ended 2 weeks ago and there is still love between us but im married with kids and he wants kids of his own and I cant have anymore. We had a great run but I know it cant work and need to work on my marrage. It hurts especially knowing that he is now dating someone but as women we are strong and this is all for the best. Time will heal the wounds. Corney I know but true. Take comfort in knowing that there are others out there feeling the same pain. I am throwing myself back into my husband in hopes to fall madely in love with him again.
Good luck!! Stay strong and DONT CALL HIM.. thats what I keep telling myself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2007): i have just told my wife i have been having an affair for 17 months and recently stopped it. The result: my wife wants to divorce me for adultery and the work colleague i work with has got me suspended from work for harassment.yes no doubt it is about hell has no fury like a woman scorned. Now I'm trying to win back my wife and keep my baby.The bottom line is you appear to have come out of this affair in good shape without your life being torn apart.in about thee months i might have my family or a job. think to yourself you have escaped in one piece.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2006): Oh, please, don't listen to some of this advice and do not divorce! I have been in your position. It's absolutely true that what occured was "wrong", but let's move past that. It's too late for "wrong". You and your husband can recover, but recovery for you is going to be tough! Your first step is to stop contacting this man. Weird as this will sound, you have to make yourself believe that you are in control. In other words, next time you speak with him, tell him you'll call him in a day or two and then DO NOT CALL. It sounds strange, but I guarantee you will feel better. You will suddenly be in control - instead of depending on HIS responses to your calls. It will help you regain some of your self esteem. Try it. Can you get away with your husband for any length of time? Three weeks is usually recommended, but I know that's impossible for some people. Just try to get away with your husband for a length of time. I know how difficult this is for you, but you can do it. Please do not "unload" or "confess" to your husband just to make yourself feel better. Keep it inside and "suck it up". There is no free lunch, but with a little introspection, you can figure out how to make yourself feel strong, beautiful and proud once again. Do not let this man make you feel ashamed or unworthy (remember, he was the other half of this) by not returning your calls. Frankly, it sounds as though he was using you - is that what you want? Call him once more, sweetie. Be fun and flirtatious. He liked you for that reason? Right? Then, NEVER CALL HIM AGAIN! I guarantee, at some point he will wonder where you are. By then, you will have moved on and grown, once again, to love your life and your husband. God Bless You, Sweetheart!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2006): Sorry to say it, but I'm in agreement with what the other aunts and uncles have said.
If you know you shouldn't be calling him, then DON'T. You know its wrong and is getting you absolutely nowhere.
Focus on your marriage and either decide to make it work, or think about divorce if you don't feel there's any hope left for you and your husband.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (15 November 2006):
 I agree. I'm not sure if I'd want to build a relationship with a woman who cheats on her husband. You should beware of him too. Obviously, when things get tough, he cheats. So do you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2006): hi there. first of all u should tell ur husband so that he can decide what he wants to do with u, divorce u or whatever. then go right ahead and persue other men all u want.
i dont know about u but did u take the same vows as everyone else?
get over the affair, and move on.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2006): First off you shouldn't be having an affair if you actually love your spouse. I would suggest a divorce. Secondly, the person you are having an affair with obviously does not trust you since you are incapable of being "faithful" to your so called spouse. I know I would never allow myself to carry any long term feelings in this instance. Sounds like you were just a good "time".
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female
reader, shania +, writes (15 November 2006):
 Your wasting your time here....He doesn't want to know,thats why he broke up with you and doesn't return your calls.Get your dignity back and move on.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 November 2006):
 Stop with this nonsense and focus on your marriage.
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