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male
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anonymous
writes: I will appreciate any advice and help on this, well it is a long story but I will keep it short, I meet this girl through internet, she come here to UK to work, she was a European citizen so in that sense she didn’t need me for visa or anything like that.I helped her in every steps of the way from the first day that she come here, I give her home for first six months for free, I loved her, and cared for her, and trusted her. After a about year we married.Even on those early days I noticed something is not quite right about her!! I never dig in to her past as a matter of respect, but now I feel may be she had some very bad experience in her past relationship. As with her, she only can think about herself and her work, and everything had to be done her way, and work around her, she think she knows every better than everyone. She doesn’t like the idea of sharing, she just wanted to use for free, and she did so. Funny part is money wise she is at very high salary but still has this nature of not giving but to just take.she was also very cold hearted, which I find out later and not at the begining. She is so money orientated, so it was never a point that she would suggest to make some contributions specially when she knew I was under lots of pressure, but I even borrowed to spend for us, and I told her so, but she just kept quite about it, and ignored me.She is so tight with money and she used me for 2 years in every way she could, and I never noticed who I am really dealing with? I was blindly in love!! For me love was the most precious things we had, I never ever thought about money, and I kept loving her until past two months that she started being abusive and aggressive towards me, and funny enough, she is so deceitful telling her family and everyone else that I am doing this to her?!!!! I was shocked that someone can ever be like that! I was abused by her foul language everyday, she was attacking me and my family the language that I am so shameful to even mention it here. All because I could not agree with her in certain points, and started to stand up my grounds and say what I think and what I believe, and that was not to her liking, and she can never see to be disagreed with.Our relationship fall apart, I didn’t know her anymore, which made me realize it was a big mistake to marry a selfish person like that, but I really and honesty give her lots of love and caring and support when she needed it and that is the part puzzles me of how can someone possibly change like that? Was the love she showed me was false? Or was I so naïf to believe her ? or was I no longer serving her purpose anymore? Was it someone else turn?I don’t think there is anyone else that she was seeing, but I do know that she had made up her mind to leave me from two months ago but never told me so, The problem is I really loved her, and even though I know for sure that she is not for me, I can’t get this feeling out of my mind that I have been so genuine in this relationship, and to this person and gave so much emotion, feeling, time , love, money, trust, etc how could just suddenly finish and goes to thin air? I know I should move on, but I have find it hard to cope with the whole thing. I just feel used! I feel devastated. Thanks for your time, and will appreciate your feedback
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): I know where you are coming from. I met a man 6 years ago from Europe. We started an intense relationship, I helped him get his landed immigrant status, I helped him through a court trial, I've supported him everyday of our relatioship. Four years ago we got married. I thought life would be great. He was a drinker, but not overly heavy.
Now, he drinks on a daily basis and has become verbally abusive and overly critical of me and my son. Two days ago in bed during intercourse, he jumped up, called me a bitch and said he hated having sex with me. He has been sleeping on the couch since this time. When I broach the subject, he won't talk.
The reason he is so frustrated by sex is because he drinks so much, that he can no longer perform and blames it on me.
He has asked for a divorce but has made no effort to leave our apartment.
I loved and supported him for years, giving my heart and soul. He was my second marriage. I have never been so insulted or humiliated in my life. He has broken my spirit and I doubt I will ever trust anyone ever again.
Get out as fast as you can, get the support of your friends and family. Don't let yourself be used and abused as I was for the last 3 years in the name of love.
A
male
reader, Gotcha +, writes (15 November 2006):
Do not let this get to you. Move on with your life, the longer you do the worse you will feel and they are not thinking of how you feel or they would not hurt you in the first place. Women are good things and not all of them are bad. Take hope in that
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A
male
reader, Gotcha +, writes (15 November 2006):
You are dealing with a victim. A victim is a person who has been treated badly in a past relationship. These people could have been physically abused by a former relation or parent, or mentally abused. In a sense, they really don't like people as far as relationships are concerned. They can get by in life and have many friends but its different, friends dont have the expectations others do. A victim is never wrong, will give very little, is mentally abusive, finds only fault with you, very seldom if ever encouraging, Usually depressed but may not show signs of it, they are intelligent as far as manipulation goes and will take from you. When they take and take they say you don't give enough. Nothing is ever good enough for a victim. People need to be ok with themselves before the enter into a relationship. We must define who we are and what we want. The problem with victims is that they create more victims. You my friend are now a victim: IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE. People also as you have stated send black flags in relationships. This usually happens early and when it does, it is time to leave. The peolple that a victim will choose are desperate and usually not confident. They know they have you and you will stay because no one else wants you. This thought of no one wanting you is a false idea. People want people that are like them in a sense and you must know that CONFIDENCE IS THE ARMOR FOR REJECTION. Your victim i think as i think of every one of them does care in a sense. They dont feel good about how they treat you, they know they are selfish, they know exactly who they are, and they are not happy with themselves for treating you this way. The more people that kick them out of their lives before they get a chance to kick you out of theirs, the faster they will learn that their ways have an impact on people. Remember that they were treated this way by someone else. This is not an excuse for this behavior only a reason for it. They allowed themselves to be treated this way as you have. Dont be like them. Perform DAMNATIO MEMORIAE. This is erase from memory or life. The romans used is as punishment for leaders that were not satifactory. Erase pictures, phone numbers and anything else that has to do with your victim. When and if they come back, tell them they are not welcome. NOTE THEY DO NOT CHANGE FOR YOU. they may change but not in your case. once they treat you like this they will stay this way. YOu may see thm treating someone else better but know that that new person in their lives will feel their wrath. Get this person out of your life. be confident and move on living your life
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A
male
reader, farsight  +, writes (15 November 2006):
 I know where your coming from. Its like a mixed up feeling of love and loss. I had a girlfriend that matches your friend. Ripped out my heart and my money. Needless to say it took me forever to get over her. Unfortantly it was the hard way and drug out way. What finally set it in stone for me was her telling me that she just wanted to go out on dates(restruants) but she didn't have any intention of anything more then that. I don't know if that helps if you got any questions you could message me.
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A
male
reader, jack23 +, writes (15 November 2006):
 well it sounds like you have established the causes for the relationship to fall apart, you are just having difficulty getting over your experience.
Use your knowledge to remind yourself that you have lost nothing but gained everything from her leaving. Spend time with friends and family, try to enjoy yourself and do the things you otherwise wouldnt be able to do.
The greatest healer it time, you are over the worst, so build yourself a future to look forward to.
Good luck :)
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