A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone :)...... Just asking for some outside perspectives for the confusing mess iv got going on in my head right now! My partner is 35, I'm 22. He wants kids. Soon. I'm about to graduate in about 15 months. So he wants to start trying soon, so Ill graduate pregnant basically, and give birth soon after. He seems pretty set on it, and unwilling to wait any longer than that, as he's getting older. I love him, and I do want to have kids with him, but I didn't plan on graduating pregnant, and all my hard work feels like a waste to just go straight into motherhood, iv worked hard to get the opportunity to get my dream job. Whilst I know kids aren't the end of life, i feel that I'd probably never get back into working for a long time, and by then it's gonna be too late. Also, iv been working hard to get the grade req. for a postgraduate course, all expenses paid by the uni. Really really hard. As you imagine it's not something they give out easily. However the catch, once awarded, you have to take it full time, in the space of a year, immediately after graduating. Obviously not easy with a newborn baby. Iv told my boyfriend this. He said to just forget about it, and I can return to it in future. But i feel this is my only chance, and my parents were so proud when I told them I had a good chance of getting it. And in reality, how many mums have the time, money or energy to go do a masters degree, years after graduating? Whilst I know its his right to want kids, I also feel it's my right to not be ready at all yet. I feel like I haven't even lived my life yet. I love the idea of a family with him, just not now. I feel him waiting an extra 2 or 3 years wouldn't cost him anything. I would have chance to get some work experience, use my degree, and be much happier overall about kids. Having kids now however would cost me so much- my education, my hopes and ambitions. I feel like he will break up with ne if I don't want kids as soon as him. On one hand I'm not ready for kids yet, but on the other hand I love him and don't want to lose him. Is this a sacrifice I'm going to have to make if I love him? Or if he loved me would he see my point of view and wait?...... I'm so confused. I'm doing my best to avoid him, coming home from work, straight to bed to "nap" etc, just because I don't know what my decision is.I love kids, and would love a family, jus not right now. What should I do?! .... Arghh advice please!
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female
reader, Auntie5  +, writes (29 February 2012):
"Before I'd always think girls in these kind of relationships were crazy, but now I realise that it's hard to realise what's going on until after you've been drawn in!"Yes, OP, this is why abusers keep finding other victims. They can be so charming, so attentive at first, that it's hard to make the connection between that behavior and abuse. And it's not until you're hooked that he shows you who he really is.As someone else said, he knows which buttons of yours to push. It's hard, but try not to react the way you normally do. Keep thinking of how you felt when he dragged you alongside him; that should help. Women who are in abusive relationships have a hard time disengaging emotionally, possibly because the abuser has chipped away at their confidence. Keep that in mind when you're tempted to go back to him!Best wishes; be careful; and as others have said, pop back in here anytime you need international support.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 February 2012):
 Love isn't about inflicting guilt or accusations or manipulation. You are not with a loving man.
A few questions: have you told your family about the situation? Your friends? You need emotional and practical support from them now. Get it.
Does your university have counseling services? Engage them. Does it have emergency housing? Time to speed up the separation process.
Get practical now, make a plan and above all, be safe. A guy who is this manipulative could be very dangerous if he doesn't get his way.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 February 2012):
 I've just read where he said he will support you to get your masters ... but not now. I have one word for him. Arsehole!
take care now, stay safe, if necessary take a sickie from Uni and go visit your family for a few days.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 Love ? What kind of love is it a love that can't wait 15 months ?, when there's tons of time... It's not as if his sperm were expiring in 2012 ... If nothing else, he should want to wait to make sure that the mother of his child faces pregnancy with the right, serene state of mind. Oh no, it has to be NOW, and he's sulking and stomping his feet, - and , apparently ,considering making a child with a perfect stranger, as long as he can get his way. Love indeed- pfui !.
Just a thought, OP... you have talked about babies, but was he ever going to marry you and when ?...Don't get me wrong, not that you must be married to have children. But... since he is EVEN entertaining as a passing thought the possibility of an arranged marriage ... and since he comes from a culture of arranged marriages so the concept does not sound hideous and ridicolous to him... and since his parents, family and community would probably be very happy if he'd marry someone from within his culture and religion..... who tells you that, once you have had this baby , one day he does not come home and tell you," btw my dear, next month I am going to get married with my second cousin... you know how it is ... it's just one of those silly old traditions, but it's all set now and I can't take my word back...but don't worry darling, YOU are the only one I really love " ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Keep reading our posts OP, let what we say balance all the confusing emotional shit he tries to pull.
He knows what he's doing, he knows how to push your buttons but you're not stupid, you can override your feelings and make decisions with your head and your heart. You will not have kids with him, not now, not ever. So the next time he brings this up tell him that. Because I think you've reached the stage now where there is no way in hell you'd be cruel enough to bring a child into the world that has as cruel as bastard as him as a father.
Remember the total humiliation of being dragged forward. Remember that every time he says "I love you." That's the way he loves you, like a subservient dog, that it's okay to hurt her over and over again because she's a stupid bitch and needs to be trained, because that's the mindset of a guy like that. You walked too far behind woman. Know your place!!! Imagine what he would do to your precious little boy/girl should they do what all kids do and step out of line? can you imagine you're own child, the most amazing thing you will ever have in your life living in fear and walking on eggshells in fear of their fathers reaction to even minor transgressions?
You will never have a child with a man like that because you will never let any future child of yours be treated like that by anyone. So if he really is that fixated on the future tell him, you've thought long and hard about it and you now realize that you will never want a child with him after all this. Seriously, stand up to him next time, see how bad he really will get once he realizes he's losing you. But have an out OP, say this somewhere public and be prepared to never see him again after that.
I don't want to sound melodramatic but guys like him are very dangerous men, unstable, unpredictable and not afraid of use extreme violence if they feel their control is threatened. A bruised arm from walking behind him, fuck knows how he'd react when he figures out that his control over you is gone.
I would advise you to talk to family, also your college must have free counselling services, time to go in and avail of those services.
From this day forward this is your mindset:
1. You will never give him a kid. So make sure you don't get pregnant by him.
2. This means you do not have a future with this guy because he will not change.
3. Even if he agrees to not having children until you are ready, the decision has been made and you have one foot out of this relationship.
4. You're no longer going to let his words dictate how you live your life, his actions speak volumes and his beautiful words are lies.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 February 2012):
He's trying his old tricks again, saying 'nice' things while at the same time implying that you're to be blamed here. The difference is that now you're watching his actions and his actions don't show love. Keep it up, OP! As hard as it may be.
Don't feel guilty please. His age is nothing to feel bad over: he has had his own chances at a career. When he was your age, he had the freedom to do what he pleased and he did. He's the one who should be feeling guilty, because he's denying you the same opportunity. He's a hypocrite OP. A selfish one. Don't budge!
And don't tell him of your plans to rent a new place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes it's very hard :( he's spent all day telling me how he loves me and always will, and if thats how I feel so be it....... But he's still not willing to wait for me, which shows something..... My heart is actually splitting right now :( I feel guilty for hurting him, guilty as he thinks I just dont care about his age, his life, that I just don't love him enough. He said he would support me in future to get a masters degree, but it's not the same, I'd rather do it now, and even without that I just don't feel ready emotionally. I want to enjoy pregnancy and motherhood, not be doubtful, regretful and resentful :(.... Arghh!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2012):
 GOOD luck to you OP... it's so hard to make such a drastic change but in the long run I think you won't regret it.
keep coming here for strength if you need it!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 February 2012):
You're very welcome, OP :) Great you're taking the steps needed to get out of this. Please keep us updated on how you're doing and if you find yourself faltering or in need of a vent please talk to us, we're happy to help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you sooo much guys. Yes I am too soft, but I'm not stupid by any means! Before I'd always think girls in these kind of relationships were crazy, but now I realise that it's hard to realise what's going on until after you've been drawn in!
I'm planning to rent my own house, my friends landlord has got one so I'm going to view it tomorrow! :D .... It's going to be hard I know, and that's also part of what was putting me off before... But I know I'll be happier in the long run! :)
Whenever I start to doubt myself, or his words start to make me doubt myself, I re read all your answers, and questions I have posted on here before, it restores my sanity when I see noone agrees with him! :) xxxxxx thanks again for taking the time to show you care. Xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): He's already given you bruises, and managed to make it look like an accident. He projects his shortcomings onto you, in an attempt to convince you that you're at fault: i.e., you're selfish and unreasonable for not wanting children right away, but he's not selfish or unreasonable for wanting you to give up your life plans for him. He's controlling, jealous, and possessive; he's trying to isolate you from your friends and eventually will try to isolate you from your family as well.He's charming and amazing just enough for you to get your hopes up that his selfishness/possessiveness/etc. aren't his "real" self.These are all classic signs of an abuser convincing his intended victim to depend only on him so she is totally in his power. Like some of the other aunts, I don't think this is his culture; it's his personality. Don't give up your hopes an dreams for him! The next time he touches you in anger you're likely to walk away with more than just bruises on your arm. Even if he never hurts you physically again, he's an emotional abuser, and your belief in yourself is going to take a beating (metaphor intended) if you stay with him. If your best friend was dating a man like your boyfriend and asked you for advice, what would you tell her? I bet you'd tell her to leave him while she has the chance.Run run run!!! You sound like an intelligent, amazing person. It will not be easy, emotionally, but it will leave you free to find someone else who really loves you.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 February 2012):
I hope you read your own update over well OP, because to me it sounds like a girl so afraid of her boyfriend who mentally and physically hurts her that she is manipulated and guilt tripped into doing things she does not want.
The reason he's trying to spoil Uni for you is because he knows Uni is your potential ticket to freedom. He knows he doesn't have any control over you there. That's why he wants you pregnant, because then you're not just at home, you're also bound to him through blood and this you will never escape.
This is more than about kids, this is about total control. Also, if he treats you badly already, how do you think future kids will be dealt with? Don't be surprised if he resorts to beating them or threatening them to get his way. It may all seem extreme now, but the signs are already there.
Use Uni to get away from him, set up a support system that includes friends you've made there. If I were you I'd notify my parents as well. All you need is courage and to act swiftly. Arrange a place to stay through friends or parents and there are special facilities in the UK if you need help in that department. You have made it this far, take the extra step needed to get out of this toxic relationship. It'll be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself. Some of the hardest things are.
You may think it would be 'cruel' or 'bad' of you to leave him suddenly, but the only bad thing would be to stay with a man who treats you like a dog and orders you around as such. He doesn't deserve anything else other than your swift and sudden absence from his life.
Your kindness will be the destruction of yourself, if you let it. This is not what love is supposed to be like, dear. This is not love at all. This guy is an abuser and I know you don't want to admit to yourself that he is because he does nice little things just at the times you've had enough. But that doesn't make him nice. It just makes him an abuser who knows how to keep his innocent, naive girlfriend in line.
I know I may sound pushy or preachy here, and I don't want to be. But I, like all the other members here, see this unhealthy situation for what it really is and I hope you will find a way to open your eyes to it as well.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (28 February 2012):
Sending you love and best wishes. Also sending positive thoughts skywards for you to remain true to yourself, and to be your own woman.
If it gets too tough, go to your parents, they will be there for you, especially as you have already said how proud they are of you!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 February 2012):
Oh my dear, if you manage to break free from him and get some distance (and maybe some good counseling) of time and perspective on this, you'll be so thankful you didn't wreck your life with a controlling guy who simply doesn't have the wit/grace/strength/courage/trust to let you decide your own life path.
I do hope some day that you have a chance to see what we can all see some , so clearly. Preferably sooner.
Be well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to reply everyone:An update. I"v made it clear I'm not ready now. He's accused me of not caring, of being selfish, of not loving him. Anyway he can make me feel guilty, he's tried. But I'm trying my best to be strong here. At times it is hard to not just say ok lets have kids but everytime the thought comes into my head I force myself to think of a time when he did something bad or hurtful to me- calling me names, told meI couldn't go somewhere. Tonight I was walking behind him, simply because I couldn't keep up, he grabbed hold of my arm very tightly and pulled me next to him as you would a dog on a lead. My arm is bruised. Everytime I feel his guilt trip is working I think of this. I asked him how he expected me to have kids when this is how he treats me. He responded that if I didnt walk behind him like I didn't know him he wouldn't have done it.Yea I am stupid, and weak for letting him manipulate me this last 3 years. But it's hard to understand until you've been there. This last 3 months iv grown some real self confidence and independance, mainly because if my uni- doing well. Making new friends (though he has tried to spoil this for me). And It has helped. Thanks for your advice guys. I know that if one person on here had even suggested maybe I should just get pregnant, my will would not have been so strong.My head is a confused mess right now, and I'm hurting, and scared of what to do (we live in a different city from my family cos of uni) but one things for sure; I'm not getting pregnant any time soon.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (27 February 2012):
 His culture has arranged marriages, so I'll assume he is Asian. He's already making demands about babies that don't exist, he will get worse if you actually decide you want to have children. You will find it hard to have any say in how they are brought up. You might also have problems if you actually decide to leave one day, guys like this who have family abroad can do things like kidnap your children and take them away so you can never see them again. If he is Muslim he may decide to go to a country where the law favours men and women have less rights over their children.
I know it sounds dramatic, but so does the idea of a woman forced to give birth to a child she does not want. Again it's not his culture, very few me act like this. This particular man is abusive to you, and has no respect for women. I hope the baby isn't a girl, he might not take that well, and then you'll find yourself pregnant again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): "It's just his idea of what love is."
OP why are you making so many excuses for his behaviour? That's not just his cultural version of love. That's not love at all. OP I have Pakistani friends, I have Indian friends, Polish, African, Chinese. Love transcends culture OP there are many forms of love and this is not one of them.
This amounts to mental abuse, psychological abuse OP and you speak with language of an abuse victim.
Listen to yourself.
"This is just how he loves me."
"You don't understand him like I do."
"We've worked past it."
"He doesn't know any better."
"He doesn't mean it."
"However it's not that easy. He can be an amazing partner when he wants to be."
All the language of a victim making excuses for a guy who is not worth the steam off her piss.
What's worse OP is that us talking negatively like this about him is just making you defensive, like you want to protect him and that this is unfair on him.
OP read this. http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
This guy is treating you incredibly badly. I know you're in love, I know it's easier to just ride it out and fight to keep him. But for the past 3 years since you were 19, you've had to fight, you've been made to feel guilty, you've had your confidence crushed and worst of all is that this guy has you convinced he loves you. He doesn't OP, he loves you like you would love a car, a piece of property that he owns.
You see you were barely an adult when you got with him, you've never experienced an adult relationship before you this, you don't know what it's like to really be loved by a guy and you're making the same mistake as a lot of abuse victims.
I'm sorry OP but you're a lost cause when it comes to this guy. You have too much of a weakness for him and I have no doubt you will cave in this situation too ad actually give him the kid he wants. No matter what we say you defend his indefensible behaviour, no matter how wrong you know it is that he treats you this way, you're still going to let it happen. He knows he can continue to use you and control you and he knows if he keeps blackmailing you and threatening to leave, you'll give him a child just so you don't have to lose him.
Your story is very sad OP. Really it is, a girl who from the age of 19 has been in a relationship with a guy who is this bad. A girl who really doesn't see that she could have such a great life without him and that she has lost and will soon permanently lose any chance at freedom, independence and a real loving and stable relationship with a person who is her equal partner. He will never see you as his equal, you can blame his culture all you want but I know plenty from those cultures who are equals with their partner in all ways.
I also know that in that kind of culture you getting the job you're proposing,with the qualifications you would get would be a massive no-no. He's not going to allow you to have a career that makes more money than him, he's not going to allow you to be a working girl. You're to be a housewife and mother that stays at home and takes care of the kids as soon as you leave college and that's what's going to happen.
So essentially OP your life is going to be like the life Irish women up until the 50's. From the parents home, to the marital home and nothing in between. No freedom, no independence, from the control of your parents to the control of your husband.
I wish you luck OP. This is the most important decision you will ever make and I have absolutely no doubt that he will get his way. You will become pregnant whether you want to or not and you will end up leaving college as a mother with no other option than to become his wife too and stay at home mom for the rest of your days. Looking back at this moment in time and wondering why the hell you let this happen.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 February 2012):
Ouch. Age gap ( not humongous though ) ... and culture clash. Then, it figures. It's difficult. Yeah, " All you need is love " ,"Love conquers all " ... in theory. In practice, as you are witnessing, such huge cultural differences mean a lot, weigh a lot and influence a lot the outcome of the relationship. It can take generations and generations to get oneself rid of his/her idea about what's normal and abnormal, right or wrong, desirable or not. If he's grown considering arranged marriages ( which some times are forced marriages,btw )as normal, you can't be surprised that he has more interest and respect for your value as a breeder than for the development of your potential as an individual.
Said that, sorry but from your update he sounds a domineering, emotionally abusive jerk regardless. Oh this is just his idea of love uh ? What :preventing you from visiting your family ? Doubting your honesty if you say Hi to a man ? Threatening you to break up if you don't do everything exactly as he wants?....
"What's love got to do with it " ? This is ownership, domination and a beastly selfishness- it does not even resemble love. What you say is scary regardless of the chidren issue, and, allow me, I don't see how an intelligent educated young lady as you may want still be subjecting herself to this kind of shit. Yes, you are " in love "- but you should still be able to treat YOURSELF with some love and respect.
As for the guilt... there is nothing to feel guilty about. You say you feel that maybe you SHOULD want kids and a cozy life... well, first it won't be that cozy , today and in England,if you can't count on a substancial double income. Second : just use logic, and rationality , and look around a bit. Why "should " you want a child at 22 ? The average age of first chilbirth in UK is 29.
In your age range, unencumbered singles are the overwhelming majority in Europe.
In New York half of the city population is composed by singles.
People gets married and have children later and later these days. I am not saying this is a good thing, or a bad thing either. It just IS. Why should you feel guilty for being statistically absolutely normal ?
There is no guilt in wanting a love that respects your dignity as a woman.
If you really want to feel guilty about something... feel guilty for sticking to a clearly wrong man, in the wrong relationship !
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 February 2012):
It's just his idea of what love is. Thats why he always manages to make me feel guilty :(
THAT IS NOT LOVE!
I am wanting to take your by the shoulders and shake you now! Read Cerebus's answer again. Really read it! And then tell us how long you have been with him.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (27 February 2012):
I don't know, but my idea of love is "I'm with this guy because I absolutely love him, adore him and he makes my life better"... his idea is "I'm with this woman because she will do what I tell her to do and she's not allowed to run away".. and your idea of love is "I'm with him because I feel guilty".
GUILT
GUILT
GUILT
GUILT
That seems to be your favourite word.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, we are from very different cultures and have worked through some major issues together. He is controlling yes, but less than before. I do believe he does love me, we just have very different ideas of what love means. To me it means everything that it does to you guys, to him it means something I can't quite understand. In the past i'v sometimes given in to his demands, i'v sometimes had to reach a compromise with him. I'v sometimes walked out on him.Now it seems he's going to break up with me. He just doesn't understand where i'm coming from. When I brought up all the things which have happened between us in the past 3 years - breaking up over his demands (do/don't do that or i'll break up with you), his controlling, his jealousy and possessiveness, me being accused of things i haven't done (saying hi to someone would lead to hours of accusations and questioning)... it has not been easy. He told me I was 'sick' for thinking like this. However I think I'm within my rights to not want kids growing up in this kind of home, watching their mum being told if she goes to see her family to not come back. Before you all say these alone are reasons enough to leave him- I know and I did. However he managed to make me feel guilty enough to stay and since then he has being trying so hard, and things are actually different. Another reason for me putting off kids however, is that I don't fully trust that these changes are not only to lure me into getting pregnant.If he'd have sat me down and said something like look i'm ready for kids, how do you feel, then I might have believed he had really changed. It doesn't help that one of our mutal friends (my age) have just announced they are expecting a baby. So yes, I feel as if theres something wrong with me. I feel as if I should want kids and a nice cosy life etc.... I guess I do, just not right now :(When reading it, the answer seems obvious. However it's not that easy. He can be an amazing partner when he wants to be, and the worst thing is he doesn't see when he's wrong. It's just his idea of what love is. Thats why he always manages to make me feel guilty :(
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (27 February 2012):
"So he wants to start trying soon, so Ill graduate pregnant basically, and give birth soon after." (Anonymous 22-25)"I feel like he will break up with ne if I don't want kids as soon as him." (Anonymous 22-25)"...but I didn't plan on graduating pregnant, and all my hard work feels like a waste to just go straight into motherhood, iv worked hard to get the opportunity to get my dream job" (Anonymous 22-25)You've spent a lot of money, a lot of time and a lot of hard work to peruse this subject you like. Your young and you are still able to have children later and so is he. He's not wrong to want kids at his age, but neither are you to refuse. Question for you, what kind of mother would you be now, one who is happy and contented, or one who is slightly resentful, disappointed and always regretting what she has thrown away? You can have a happy pregnancy and contented motherhood, as well as your dream career... But not with this man and not right now. If you do what he wants, you will regret it for the rest of your life. If he waits all he will lose is a couple of years of playing with these non-existent children.He has given you his ultimatum, I suggest you give him yours. Tell him you refuse to be rushed into childbirth and if he can't wait he must shut the door on his way out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): I'm sorry OP but I think you'll find no one here agrees with you about him being a nice guy after the shit he just pulled.
You know how many women we used to get here talking about how assholes who were abusing them "are not bad guys"? We had to stop allowing those questions on this site because they are beyond our power to help. You sound exactly like an abuse victim. I wouldn't go as far to say he's abusing you but he's not far off it. Blaming you, trying to control and dominate you, trying to enforce his will upon you through emotional blackmail? What part of that makes him a nice guy? Does the fact he's sweet other times make up for this exceptionally huge flaw in his character?
I bet you're not even together that long either, maybe 6 months to a year, I'd be surprized if it's longer OP because you would have seen this side to him before it was.
"just not now, he's made me feel really guilty about it, like I don't love him enough or something."
Is that love OP? Is that how you treat someone you love? Act like a spoiled little brat and emotionally blackmail them. Is intentionally hurting your partner to get your own way, making them feel horrible, love? No. It's not is it? That's the same love you would have for a dog, a master/slave relationship, except only a cruel bastard would treat their dog unfairly like that.
The big question is OP, if he's like this with you, an adult that's supposed to be his equal, can you imagine how he would treat your child? Doesn't sound like father material to me and at 35 it seems the girls before you were lucky enough to figure that out in time.
"He told me he'd rather find someone he didn't know and make kids with them straight away than wait for me."
Sounds like he'd make a great father doesn't it? He wants kids so bad he doesn't give a shit who they're with or what type of woman he just wants kids. Who the mother of your child is going to be is one of the most important decisions any guy can make OP. She's going to be the primary care giver in most cases.
"He's made me feel so guilty, its so hard right now to lose him and the future we had planned."
The future he had planned OP, the future he planned for both of you.
"I just don't want kids yet and think he should understand that."
What makes you think this 35 year old doesn't understand exactly what you want in your life? Of course he does, he just doesn't give a shit.
So here goes OP. You say he's from a culture of arranged marriages. The only countries I know of that still practice that antiquated idiotic crap are countries where women are still viewed as property and subservient to men. Pakistan, India etc. Once you become the mother to his child, he owns you; you're his, why do you think he's pushing so hard for this?
I've been in a few age gaps relationships and I'm roughly his age now and currently in one with a similar gap to yours. Coming up to 7 years together. All my past age gap relationships ended for one reason and one reason only. Our lives took different paths, simple as that. We were in different stages in our lives, they were starting to explore adulthood and I was just finishing my exploration and settling. Did I try and fight this because I loved them? No, I actively encouraged them to seek their own path and follow it even though it meant we might not be together if they do, because I loved them. I'd done all the things they wanted to do, who was I to deny them the chance to fulfil their goals?
I actually don't think this guy even wants a kid. I think he just wants to tie you down to him, make you a part of his life forever. His reaction tells me he doesn't actually give a fuck about what would be best for his kid (a happy successful mother who has enjoyed her youth and set herself up with a good career).
Do not put any blame on yourself, do not let love blind you to fact that what he's doing is just so wrong it really does negate all the good things you see in him. It negates it as much as if he was regularly beating you OP, it's that serious. Please don't be one of these women that makes excuses for guys like, or thinks that somehow him being nice in other ways excuses this behaviour.
OP threatening to dump someone to get your own way is a dealbreaker, it always is. If it works this time and cede to that demand, he'll have complete and utter control over you and own you. He will use it every time he wants to control you and you really don't want a life like that or for your kids to be raised by a 35 year old who thinks okay to do that.
Time to walk away.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 February 2012):
If he would rather go and find some woman he doesnt know to make babies with than wait for you then tell him to go for it!
I am a tad grumpy right now, so trying to promote calmness and reasoned thinking. You know what, I think you need to talk to your parents about this, and then your dad, or a big burly uncle or cousin, to have a man to man chat with him, about how you are a valued loving, thinking, capable human with dreams worth chasing and ambitions to be reached for, and not just an incubator or handy receptacle for his sperm. They can then advise him if thats all he wants he needs to look elsewhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, not one person has said maybe I should just have kids, which is telling.
I told him I want to have kids, just not now, he's made me feel really guilty about it, like I don't love him enough or something :(
He told me he'd rather find someone he didn't know and make kids with them straight away than wait for me :( (in his culture arranged marriages are normal). This really hurt and i'm doubting his love for me.
Its really hard, I feel like i'm losing him over this, like I'm the one throwing him away. He's not a bad guy, and I do love him. I just don't want kids yet and think he should understand that :(
He's made me feel so guilty, its so hard right now to lose him and the future we had planned. It's so hard to not just say ok lets make a family, just to be with him.
:(
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): You should break up with your bf now. This relationship has reached the end of its road and it was his decision that it be this way.honestly I don't see why he can't wait a few more years since men can have children at any age. He's being incredibly selfish. Is this the kind of person you want to have kids with and spend the rest of your life with?He has drawn the line in the sand that he will break up with you unless you throw away your life ambitions and goals while he gets to keep his.He's showing you his true colors - of what he thinks of women in general, and how he views his role and your role in the relationship. He has much less to lose by waiting for you, than you have to lose by sacrificing these opportunities for him. And still he insists on his way.I'm sorry but it would be very very unwise to sacrifice your HARD EARNED ONCE IN A LIFETIME opportunities for him. It will lead to resentment brewing and will become a poison in your relationship even long after you have had the kids. You will not feel fulfilled by your new stay-at-home mommyhood if it wasn't your choice to do it but his.Have kids now if that's what YOU always wanted for yourself. But don't do it just to stop him from leaving you. a guy who shows so little regard for your dreams and needs, could very well leave you in a pinch anyway even if you did sacrifice for him now.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 February 2012):
Like some others have pointed out, it seems like your boyfriend only has eyes for his needs, and not yours. The age gap only makes this worse because he DID have the chance and time to get a career and now he's denying you exactly that!
He's got his life all figured out in his head and he is now waiting for everything to just yield to his wishes. Well, life just doesn't work that way, and in my opinion LOVE does not work that way. Being in a loving relationship means both giving and taking. You can always have kids. This career is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and a reward for all the effort you have put in the past years.
You will resent him if you have kids now, because you will keep asking yourself "what if, what if...?" You are simply not ready and that's not a good situation to bring kids into. If he leaves you because you don't do what he wants, he proves exactly that he wasn't a good match for you in the first place, because if he can't support you then how is he going to be a good father?
I have the feeling this is just his biological clock ticking and he's used to getting what he wants. Don't give into pressure and pursue your dreams! You can always have a child later, at the RIGHT time, even if it's not with him but a man who does understand your wishes and dreams.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): DON'T DO IT. Understand? DO NOT DO IT.
I just went through this with my ex. He wanted me to have kids when I was finished with my master's degree and take AT LEAST three years off to be a mother.
I said no way. He wasn't willing to compromise. The relationship ended. If your boyfriend is anything like my ex, then he is NOT the right person for you. Parenthood is a huge commitment, and if he is willing to throw your relationship away because you can't come to a mutual decision about this, he is not mature enough to be a parent and is not someone you want to be with.
Please don't throw away your entire future.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): "On one hand I'm not ready for kids yet, but on the other hand I love him and don't want to lose him. Is this a sacrifice I'm going to have to make if I love him?"
No, it's a sacrifice you shouldn't make if you love kids. You're not ready, you have dreams and plans for the future that don't include kids right now, you'll likely end up resenting any kid(s) you have by him. I would not discount the possibility that he's trying to sabotage your future so he can control you.
"Or if he loved me would he see my point of view and wait?.."
Yes, he would. If he loved you he would want what you want, not issuing demands he knows are incompatible with your dreams and plans for the future. No legit reason he can't wait, no legit reason you should be bullied into making a decision you are almost certain to regret.
"I love kids, and would love a family, jus not right now. What should I do?! "
Break up. You have irreconcilable differences. He's unwilling to wait, you're not ready, virtual certainty any kids born of this union would not grow up in a happy family.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2012):
I had my oldest when I was 24... I have so many friends my age with YOUNG kids... while I am happy I had my kids so young I can see I would have been a better mom had I waited.
IF you do not want kids YET do not be pressured into it.
Sadly I see this with age gap relatioships and find it's about the only issue that cannot be readily resolved. IF you are not ready you are not ready... and that's all there is to it...
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 February 2012):
"He seems pretty set on it, and unwilling to wait any longer than that, as he's getting older." Well, he decided to date a much younger woman, if he was so hell-bent on children, he should have found someone closer in age to him and who was further along on the education/career path. Too bad he didn't.
A couple of red flags here for me. His insistence and his intransigence, overlooking YOUR reasonable desires and career path.
I think you may have posted on this topic in the past? I know we get similar posts but this one feels very familiar.
I don't think he's going to make a good longterm partner, as he puts his own 'needs' ahead of yours. I would really seriously rethink the future of this relationship. I'd advise letting him go find someone whose life path more closely matches his.
I don't know what your self-esteem or personal strength and personal resolve levels are but I hope you are not being manipulated by him into thinking he's the only man who could ever love you. This insistence of his borders on abuse, to me. I don't like it. It smells bad, like this man sees you as his personal baby-maker, housekeeper, pet, toy, whatever. The fact he's dismissing your reasonable objections to his 'plan' tells me he does not see you as an equal partner. He sees himself as 'the decider' as an American President so famously called himself.
I'd take a break from the relationship and really think about what YOU deserve in life, to me, that would be following your own education/career path as you choose, and finding a guy who supports you in that. They ARE out there, I promise.
Alternatively, you could go into couples counseling and have an impartial third party help him and you navigate this impasse. As Cerberus said though, be VERY careful with your contraception at this point. Sorry to be so negative on this guy you love but he sounds like a bit of a nightmare to me.
What you want is completely reasonable, okay? Be brave and be strong. Brave and strong women make great mothers, someday.... (hint hint)
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2012):
 No no no! Get your education, LIVE a little before you have kids. If he is willing to leave you over this, who is to say he will stick around when you have a child?
It sounds like his biological clock is ticking, but you know what? YOU will be the one doing most of the work "baking" the baby. It should be a decision you BOTH agree on WHEN to have a baby.
I didn't have my first til I was 30. And you know what I have NO regrets waiting. I got to do two college degrees and have a career, do a lot of traveling and well, partying as well. I LIVED life a little before I "settled" down as a wife and mother.
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reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (24 February 2012):
 If your B/f breaks up with you over this issue, then I say good riddance. Look OP, wanting to have kids right now is his problem, NOT yours. Fortunately WE have the power to decide if we want to get pregnant or not, exercise that Goddam right, have your pills and DO NOT get pregnant, not even under "pressure". You have worked hard for your degree and trust me, I know what slogging your ass off at studies means, I'm doing a PhD in Sociology. You DESERVE to enjoy your success without feeling guilty for it and you should study as much as you want, if you're lucky enough to be getting the chance. Not many people are as fortunate as you, to have a fully paid postgraduate programme at university.
Your B/f feels that age is not on his side and I think he had this in his mind long enough, he was just waiting for the end of your studies now to draw near and that's why he has it all planned in such a way that you would graduate and then give birth. Wow. How convenient!!
Let me tell you something, it is EXTREMELY difficult to juggle motherhood and studies, which is why most people drop out of university. Motherhood is a full time job, and a sleep deprived one at that, how will you ever have the energy to work for a masters level programme? Plus, if you're a scholarship student, there will be even greater pressure on you to perform well. Nope. Don't do it. BAD, BAD idea.
If this selfish jerk asks you to forget about your studies, you can ask him to forget about you. Don't give in to what he wants, please don't. Dont be silly and emotional about this, dont allow yourself to be brain washed into the whole "fulfilled, happy mommy, now i'm a complete complete woman" hogwash. Having kids is fine, only when you are ready for them. Not at the cost of your education, something that you've worked so hard for. You have age on your side, you can do it whenever you want.
You don't have to make any sacrifices for love, that's all bullshit. You have nothing to lose. This man realizes that he's getting old(his problem entirely) and just wants his wishes fulfilled through you. And if he dumps you, then its basically because he just wanted the female reproductive system, and not the person that came along with it. I say its good if it ends over this, at least you know where you stand. Any man who doesnt respect YOU and put you first, is a deal breaker.
Please dont give up on your studies, you will regret it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): Oh OP, it is up to you to take extra precautions when it comes to safe sex. It's not beyond a persons capability to try and sneakily get you pregnant and force your hand. I know a girl that in the midst of a crazy abusive relationship used to sabotage condoms and not take her pill in order to force her boyfriend to impregnate her. She is in all respects a very nice girl too OP, a really lovely person but she wanted a kid so badly she did some crazy shit.
Take extra precautions and if there is even a hint that he is trying to force the issue then you must walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): No.
"I feel like he will break up with ne if I don't want kids as soon as him."
He doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend then OP.
You're not ready OP, it has to be a mutual decision and it's one you're not going to make unless you're a complete idiot.
If he loves you he will wait. He has no choice, it's your body and you're not ready, end of story. Tell him to drop the issue, you've made you choice and you have a plan laid out that you want to fulfil first OP because you want to live a little fun, freedom and experience being an independent adult for a while before you settle down to motherhood. That's perfectly reasonable.
Let me ask you OP. How would you feel in a few years if you get pregnant and leave college to go straight into motherhood? You will miss out on a career, you miss out on the chance to travel and see the world and you'll be tied down to your own country for the next 18 years. Chances are very high that you would feel trapped, you will feel that he forced you to give up far too much to appease him. He's 35 OP, he's probably had all this, he's probably travelled, he's probably enjoyed early 20's and the freedom of being a working independent adult. How would you feel knowing he has had all that, you haven't and you're tied to him not only for the rest of your life but you have absolutely no freedom to do anything for the next 18 years especially when this is not something you wanted in the first place.
OP you would hate him and you would hate yourself for letting it happen. You know this don't you? So to protect your relationship you must say no, if you really love him and see a future with him you'll say no. If he can't accept that then he's an ass and an idiot. If he breaks up with you over this he's a complete cretin because it'll take years for him build another relationship to the point where the woman may want kids anyway. So your time frame is the best he can wish for and you cannot let him blackmail you or convince you otherwise.
Next time he bring is up, tell him your plan, tell him you're not going to change your mind any time soon and he has to drop it for now, that you promise you will let him know if you change your mind sometime in the near future. Tell him OP that if he can't respect your wishes in this matter then you're even less inclined to want kids with him. The best chance he has of changing your mind is showing you that he's willing to be there for you and with you regardless of whether you have children soon or not.
Done and dusted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): No, do not have a baby yet. Get your education, get a career under way. Get it a level where you can take maternity leave and have future career options. Absolutely do not think a baby can slot into your life at this stage. Of course, people manage it if it happens, but in an ideal world it is better to wait until you are well placed. Men can be fathers at any age, so there is no rush. He is being selfish to ask you to risk you future prospects on his behalf (it's staggering actually). And another thing which you wouldn't want to consider at this stage but 'men come and go but a baby is forever'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): Make sure you have some sort of independent birth control and are not relying on him solely to provide it. I'd even go so far as to recommend something like a IUD or the implant so that he can't tamper with it. A girl in my area's boyfriend kept hiding her bc pills so he could get her pregnant and refused to use condoms so just be wary if he wants to trap you with children that badly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): Having kids in your early 20s is a massive sacrifice to make for your partner. Is he making any sacrifices for you?
This postgraduate course sounds like an amazing opportunity and something you really want to do. Reward yourself for all your hard work. Follow YOUR dreams, not your partner's. Unfortunately this isn't the type of issue which you can compromise on, so if your unwillingness to have children means the end of the relationship, so be it.
Remember you're still young. You have plenty of time to have kids later.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 February 2012):
Let me add a few NO NO NO NO NO to Aunty Bim Bim's.
If you just couln't wait to become a mother, and the only problem would be disappointing your parents, or not meeting your teacher expectations for your future and career , I 'd say do as you like, go for it. But finishing your studies and starting your career unencumbered is YOUR dream, your wish , your aspiration.
If you let yourself down for pleasing your partner... you will forgive your partner in time, but you'll never forgive yourself.
What's his rush anyway ? 3 or 5 ywars won't make a big difference in his reproductive capacity, but would make a big difference in terms of your earning potential, and personal sense of accomplishment.
If he dumps you over that - it means he is not the right partner for you anyway, you need someone who'll respect your priorities and support your dreams.
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (24 February 2012):
Mother of three, grandmother of 4 here. My answer to you is
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Don't do it!
I agree with you that for him to wait a few extra years is not going to impact on his capacity to father children, you however, are still quite young and have dreams and ambitions that deserved to be givien a bloody good shot.
If he cannot accept the fact you do want a future with him, and children, but not right now, I would seriously consider ending the relationship.
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