A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want a prettier girlfriend. I've been with mine for a few years now and it seems wrong to leave. I love her but the lack of effort (exercise counts) is making me less attracted to her. Bringing it up makes me the bad guy. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 February 2017):
 I totally agree with chigirl. Short and sweet and to the point. No comment on your less than appealing attitude towards women just sound advice. Please follow it. We can delve deeper into you issues down the road when you hit more road blocks which I have no doubt you will.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2017): Dude, if her physical appearance has become enough of an issue to you that it's making you question the relationship, then I would say the relationship's days are numbered.
There's nothing wrong with desiring a beatiful partner, but in the long term that will not always be the case. Bodies change, we let ourselves go, we get back in shape, we eat too many cakes for a few months, we take up swimming, we get ill- many everyday reasons why body shape fluctuates.
She should want to get healthy for herself first, not you, and that's what you should be asking of her. I'm not saying you're the bad guy because of how you feel, but I do agree with everyone here that if it's a deal breaker, then the end is near, regardless of what she does.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 I will say again what I said to you in your last post, just because you decided to make a healthier life style for yourself does not mean she should make the same choice as you. Please do leave her, but when you are looking at other women they may not see you as Mr perfect.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 Leave her. Staying with her just because you have been together for years, is not a good reason. You are no longer attracted to her. You are not married. So leave.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): Wow , from the sounds of your callous tone you could benefit on working on your personality about more than working on your body!
And please don't speak on behalf of women bouncing back after babies , leave that to those of us that are actually women and have had the babies and know how difficult that is . I've had four and can tell you it is no walk in the park and all the excercise in the world will never leave ones body the same and thank goodness for that . I wear my badges of motherhood proudly .
Frankly , you sound like a man who thinks he is a real catch but is not at all. You sound narcissistic and selfish . You don't love her or by the sounds of your post , even like it care about her, so I'm not sure exactly why your asking the question
Seems like a no brainer really , leave.
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female
reader, seg1  +, writes (30 January 2017):
 If you are even having doubts you shouldn't be in a relationship you aren't 100% committed to!
Sometimes love isn't always enough in a relationship, If you genuinely want to be with her then maybe mention something about you both training together so it doesn't seem like you are being horrible towards her or her feelings. It also means you can spend time together aswell and you might feel more attracted to her if shes making effort with herself.
But not all girls are into training and keeping fit and If that is the case and you don't feel like you're attracted to her anymore then you should leave. Dont be in a relationship you dont want to be in, its not fair on you or the girl.
When you then are single and in the right mind frame to be dating again, then look for a girl that likes to take care of herself but also with a personality you love...not just all about looks!
I wish you all the best and good luck. I hope it all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 January 2017):
Fatherly Advice has the right idea.
1: leave your girlfriend. This is a no-brainer. It can be seen from space that you are trying to find ways to make your waning attraction her responsibility, which it is not. If you're an attorney worth your salt, you should be able to see through bullshit, and yes, that includes your own.
You may have put in effort at work and at maintaining/improving yourself physically, but you are indulging your mental weaknesses and personality flaws. This is common for new fitTM people, but when left unchecked, it will cause a lot of problems later on. For better or for worse you have become a different person, someone who cannot see himself with his girlfriend anymore. You'd be doing both of you a favor by ending the relationship.
2: Be single for a while. Jumping at the first hot piece of ass you see is not the solution, because she too will start to bore you after the novelty of having someone with such good genetics in your bed wears off.
3: When you do get into a new relationship, make a point of communicating clearly. If you have high standards and high expectations, the other person has to be aware of them and willing to deliver. At the same time, if you cannot meet their requirements, better to be honest up front. Your relationship might resemble a business transaction that way, but considering the way you currently view what you have with your current girlfriend, it's not different at all apart from the fact your current gf never signed up for your new standards.
4: after you've gotten a bit more used to being part of the fitTM club, maybe examine why looks are so important to you. Looks are important to me too, but I have been on both sides of the equation, so I am able to understand why not everyone will or can maintain the same rigorous regimen I follow.
Empathy and humility are good qualities to have, because they improve your ability to connect with people and feel good about yourself without needing your physical appearance as a crutch. They are also the hardest qualities to acquire, because they require loss of the ego. I will be working at getting them for the rest of my life, so if you want a real challenge....
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 January 2017):
 Anonymous Litigator asks,
"What should I do?"
You should break off the relationship for the reasons you have been advised.
You should live single for a period of at least 10% of the time you have been together.
You should use that time to work on your sense of pride and entitlement, as those are not attractive traits.
You should then, and not sooner, start to seriously look for a life partner, as opposed to arm candy. You should get to know her mother before you become exclusive. You should get to know her father before you propose. And if you are even seriously thinking of those hot young paralegals, make sure you write a Iron Clad prenup.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): The reality is that everyone has their own dealbreakers in a relationship, and a lot of men have physical dealbreakers (although these vary widely).
In your case it seems like you can't get past the fitness issue. The answer is clear you should leave her, it is only fair to both of you. She can be free to find a man who doesn't care, or one who likes plump girls.
You can't change how you feel. And I highly doubt she will change either. As you say, if she is in her 20s and not overly keen on exercise, you can't expect her to change who she is. You shouldn't ask that of her either.
One thing I would suggest, is that in future be more honest with yourself about your physical requirements BEFORE you enter into a relationship with someone.
Also I would not tell her it is because of fitness. This will simply destroy her self-confidence for the next man who may not care at all. Just say you're growing apart.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 January 2017):
 First of all, your cases as an attorney should not be won by your looks. If they are, you need to work on your brain.Secondly, "I don't think this girl would. She can't even get fit in her 20's" is such a cold way to talk about your girlfriend. You don't talk like that about someone you care about, regardless of their size. You've clearly distanced yourself emotionally already. Not only that, but *most* mums don't "bounce back" - some can, but a lot can't, even with a healthy lifestyle.Lastly, this isn't about her size or effort. You feel you're getting more attractive and you want someone who looks more like a model, as it's unlikely you'd care that they didn't exercise or eat super healthily if they were naturally slim.Your preferences are fine, as they've changed, but it's not fair to expect your girlfriend to change or for you to talk about her so insensitively. You need to break up and do *not* tell her it's about her appearance.
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (30 January 2017):
 I actually understand where you are coming from. Ive met very athletic men who also want fit, athletic women. Actually they exclusively date women like this. Its not that they are fit or even that other women are overweight, what it comes down to his lifestyle choice and lifestyle philosophy. Women and men want someone we all feel compatible with and who shares out goals and values. People who are into fitness develop a lifestyle mentality and wants that same mentality to exist in their partner.It sounds like your gf and you are taking different paths in life. It sounds like fitness, career, and consistency is what you value. She sounds like she doesnt feel same way, esp about staying fit. Solution: Break upIt will only wedge a deeper divide between the two of you. I dont think it can work, this isnt a break up about weight too. I dont think you two have similar philosophies about life and that part---can create problems and even worse, disrespect and lack of compassion/understanding.She feels like you trying to change her. You feel like you want her to improve. You already know fitness is making you more confident/mentally clear, she doesnt see life same way. Theres no right or wrong here. Break it off and seek someone similar. Good luck
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (30 January 2017):
 You really don't love her or you would be more caring, and giving. You are more in love with yourself and the ideas that you have of yourself.
You care more how the person next to you makes you look in public, puffing up your ego more.
love is giving caring even when you are not getting anything in return.
It sounds like she needs to trade up and get a Man that loves her for who she is and cares for her.she deserves better than what she is getting.
It sounds like you need to get a woman that will try to hang on to your dreams of who you want and think of her to be.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2017):
 Hmm...actually, reading your follow-up made a couple of things clear to me.
I believe that if she were to give this "maximum effort" and through hard work, and crazy determination develop a body that a Lakers cheerleader would be proud to have, you'd still eventually leave her.
You have the sound of someone who is looking for the excuse to leave someone you are becoming distant from. You spoke at length about attractive, flirty professionals that you feel tempted by.
Given that a lot of movie stars who ARE with perfect bodied partners still have the same roving eye that you do, still cheat on these Hollywood starlets with other women like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime, True Lies body cheating on his beautiful Maria Shriver of the Kennedy dynasty and fathered a son with his housekeeper Mildred Baena, someone you'd probably describe in the same terminology as your partner now. The guy had a gorgeous wife at home, but he had the same roving eye you do.
Your partner right now has zero chance. You are playing a game in your head - looking for a reason to leave her and indulge that roving eye. You compare her and decide the grass is greener with these flirty ladies. So you ride her about "not trying", but are you invested in your relationship, or are you devaluing her compared to other women AND yourself, which you also describe as not yet being in shape, but "getting pretty close".
You have an age gap going on, with you in your 30's and her in her 20's. You started out from a position of being OUT of shape, meaning now that you're putting in effort, you're becoming impatient on your partner while still roving all the flirty other women in your workforce.
You must let your girlfriend go, because you're going to hurt her no matter what she does. You have pitted her against other women, which is a net loss on its own, and you've pitted her against your own ideals, which again, the longer you're with her, it won't matter how much effort she puts in to satisfy her. You're already one foot out the door, and you're simply looking for a way to take off and not feel like you and your roving eye aren't the one responsible for first alienating attention away from your partner and onto other women who are not flirting with you because of your looks, but because of your potential monetary value.
So you should let her go. Say you've grown apart. You never mentioned how long you have been dating, but I could guess that it's been more than 3 years and possibly longer based on your wording of working to get into shape.
I could surmise that both of you were pretty skinny when you met. Both of you got comfortable in the relationship. You may or may not have moved in. You both became domestic and both of you packed on some pounds. You decided that your career would benefit from getting into shape, which is a good thing! Now you're getting thinner and want to see if you can attract the new and shiny women you felt wouldn't have flirted with you before your looks and career went on the rise. You become impatient with your girlfriend, who gets defensive because I'm guessing she gained weight WITH you, who was her partner in greasy crime until you decided to go on a health program.
A guy who wants to see her girlfriend lose weight for health reasons tends to use this as a project to get emotionally closer to her, going biking or walking or to the gym together. I see partners who love each other joining Weight Watchers or getting on a diet or taking up skiing together, and they are their own support group.
I'm guessing your working out involves you spending time by yourself to work on yourself. The time you two used to spend together talking and doing stuff together has become the time you silently or vocally disapprove of her not doing the same thing you're doing. She gets defensive and restless. You get detached and restless. The spiral continues, you feel slighted by her lack of effort, and she feels angry by you pulling away and withholding.
I agree that she needs to become fit and healthy for herself, not for you. I think if you let her go, she'll do just that. And just to flip the age issue you brought up on its heel, if you're in your 30's and she's in her 20's, I'm guessing after leaving you, she'll have zero problems finding a guy who accepts her as she is, and she'll no longer be under the pressure of fighting the losing battle with competing against your roving eye.
If Maria Shriver couldn't do it, and most guys would have given their left nut for Maria Shriver in her prime, then you know full well it's not her fault you're wanting to leave. You might as well just do it. Don't cheat, don't argue, don't berate, just go get those flirty co-workers and win your cases. But you'll never know whether or not these flirts at work really care for you, or merely your wallet.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 January 2017):
 Does your girlfriend know this could be a deal breaker for you or do you just casually mention it occasionally? Shallow as it sounds on the surface, I do completely understand where you are coming from. It take two people to make a relationship work. People usually want to be as attractive as possible for their partner, although this often gets less as we move through life. However, if your girlfriend - who is only in her 20s - is already "letting herself go", then there is little hope for this improving in the future. Is it just the physical aspect, or is she apathetic in other areas of your relationship as well?You mention that you have been working at improving your appearance so that you can do better at work. What about working on it to become more attractive to your girlfriend? Is there any sort of exercise your girlfriend would enjoy and join you in? Cycling, walking, that sort of thing? Perhaps she just hates the idea of structured gym exercise (many people do).I have to mention here though that, quite often, when someone suddenly starts to put in a lot of effort to get fit and "more attractive", they usually decide, further down the line, that they can "do better" partner-wise and find themselves someone new.
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A
male
reader, WickedPoet +, writes (30 January 2017):
 It seems to me that you really need to sort out your feelings for your girlfriend. I think her level of fitness is just standing in for deeper issues in the relationship. You do have a history with her and you say you love her. Maybe she is unhappy about something and this is being reflected in her apparent lack of effort to reach the level of fitness you seem to require in your partner. In fact, you are comparing her to other women you appear to find more desirable right now. Few attributes are more ethereal than looks. It is risky at best to bet your future happiness on something so fleeting. If you really do love her than be present for her, talk to her, find things to praise, find out why she is not happy. Love is always about giving and helping the relationship grow. If you have reached the point where this is a deal breaker for you than you owe it to both of you to part ways. You might discover that what looks so good on the outside might disguise a personality you really can't tolerate. In the meantime, she might be fully motivated to get in great shape but by then you will have lost her. You need to decide what you really want and then act accordingly.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 January 2017):
You can't negotiate attraction. Move on.
That said, if you want a better looking partner, bring more to the table. Get a better job, go to the gym, etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis should answer a few questions:
1.) I am a litigation attorney and I look the part. I've been working to be more attractive so I can win cases and it has worked. I'm busting my ass to get my body in shape, and it's getting pretty close.
2.) I work in a field where I meet lots of attractive, flirty professionals. It's not good to be tempted or to wonder. I wouldn't even bother if my GF would just put in the work.
3.) She gained enough to look like she doesn't try. There are no kids, but I know plenty of women who have kids and if they take care f themselves, they bounce back. I don't think this girl would. She can't even get fit in her 20's.
4.) It's an issue of effort. If I knew she was doing her best then there would be no problem. She's not putting in any effort and is extremely defensive about it.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (29 January 2017):
 Like attracts like. Be the person you want to be with(or you want your gf to be) If you want what you are saying then start taking care of yourself first.........start working out, eating well, grooming yourself and then your gf will either follow suit or set you free to be with someone like yourself! You cant expect to be with a model if you look like a lard ass or a hillbilly.....however if you look like an athlete or a corporate professional then you are more likely to attract someone who finds taking care of herself important as well!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): Do you have the body of an Adonis ? Full head of hair , great pecs and large penis that always gets hard? Do you make sure you are meeting her emotional needs in being romantic and providing the financial support she may want from a man?
Anyone can buy into gender stereotypes . It only suggests you are not in love .
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 January 2017):
What exactly happened? You've been with a girlfriend for a few years, and you're in your 30's. Did she gain weight? If so, how much did she gain, and what has caused you to get to this point?
Since you're in your 30's, are you being what you would like to see in her? Are you eating right and exercising? Have you been the example of the type of effort you'd like to see from her?
Has she also been taking medicine like anti-depressants or is she on birth control?? Both have weight gain as a side effect, and some depressed people tend to eat more anyways. Others, like myself, can't eat or can hardly keep anything down when I'm stressed out.
Also, the way you put it disturbs me. You didn't mention her health. You didn't mention being concerned about her energy level, or anything like that. You want her to be prettier FOR YOU. Does that mean that you're going to leave her if she gets older, since she'll no longer have that "barely legal" body? What if she has kids? What if she has surgery and has some scars?
And what about you? If you were to go bald (I happen to adore bald guys!), or start growing hair in your ears or on your back, or time does its trick on you, how would you feel to be dumped for someone better looking and have that be the only reason?
If you don't have kids with this woman, then let her go. I don't think you love her, which cheats her out of someone with real honest love for her.
If you do have kids with her, then could you honestly explain to them why you left them because their mom isn't pretty enough?
If your girlfriend gained 150 pounds and has zero desire to address it, and she's not on any sort of health issue or metabolic problem, she probably wants you to go as well. But you might want to look in the mirror yourself.
Long term couples tend to start looking like each other. Are you rocking a spare tire as well?
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (29 January 2017):
 I don't think anyone aspires to be settled for rather than genuinely wanted, so the kind thing to do is let her go and hope that you can find someone else who has all the qualities you love about her, but in a body that better suits your preferences.
I don't phrase it like that to be rude - I think it's important that you realize nobody is perfect and ANY potential partner is going to have areas you ultimately consider shortcomings, whether you notice them right away or they only show up later on in the relationship - just as I guarantee there are parts of your appearance or personality that not all women would care for. I don't know a single person, male or female, that I'd consider a "perfect 10" in both looks AND personality, so it's important to be realistic when you go looking for a prettier girlfriend. It might be helpful for you to decide in advance what qualities it's most important to you that a prospective partner have, and stick to them when dating. Most people get at least a little comfortable after a few years in a relationship, so you're going to have to choose carefully (and probably err on the side of dating more high-maintenance women) to avoid running into this same situation again with another partner who might assume that after a few years together you appreciate some of her other qualities more than her looks.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 January 2017):
 Bringing it up DOES make you a "bad guy". Because you WANT her to live up to YOUR standard. Obviously either she has slacked over the years or you have changed your standards.
And you say you love her, BUT.. so you love her enough to stay (because you still get something out of it) but not enough to accept her for who she is.
So DO leave her, sure you can. Rather than resenting her for not being "pretty" or "fit" enough for your taste.
Don't sit on the fence.
Let her go find someone who WILL appreciate her for who she is and you can go find a "pretty fit" girl who suits YOUR wishes, standards, and needs.
Think about it. How easy are personal changes for YOU about YOURSELF? Even if those are things you WANT to change? Not easy, right? So how hard would it be to change her? MUCH harder and even more so if SHE doesn't WANT to be what YOU want her to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2017): Leave , she deserves better than a man who values women purely on their appearance ! Simple
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