A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. At the beginning of the relationship I was pregnant with another mans baby, I decided to have a termination due to the circumstances in which it was conceived. Now I'm desperate to be pregnant again, I don't understand why he was so supportive in my last pregnancy and yet doesn't want a baby with me of his own.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 October 2010):
 Actually, many women suffer from postpartum depression. So you might want to think it over if having a child will really solve anything.
You know the answer deep down. If you have a depression, you first need to get yourself out of that depression. Who knows what a baby, or another pregnancy for that matter, will do to you emotionally? You might react in ways you wouldn't think you would. You are best suited to meet challenges in life, and life altering things, if you feel well and are healthy, and the best that you can be.
I suggest that you go talk to your doctor about the depression and maybe get referred to a therapist, to talk about this. Not to necessarily solve your depression, but to help you figure out if a new pregnancy and baby will be the best for you, or only add extra pressure and make you feel worse.
In either case, your boyfriend doesn't feel the relationship, or maybe even himself, is ready for a child. You need to respect that. If you move forwards too fast things get out of balance, and can fall apart.
It is important that you think this through carefully, because once you are pregnant you can't go back. Will getting pregnant make you better or worse? Will it be the best for your relationship? Will it be the best in the long run? What do you think? I think we are all concerned here because we don't think it will help you to get pregnant again so soon. We are not against you having children. We just question that now is the best time. Ultimately what the aunts and uncles on here want is for you to be as happy as you can be. But the path towards happiness can be a long one, and take its time. Right now you don't feel good. But there are no quick fixes in life.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 October 2010):
IF YOU'RE DEPRESSED DON'T HAVE A CHILD!!
THAT WILL MAKE YOU MORE DEPRESSED!!
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A
female
reader, LilPixie +, writes (3 October 2010):
 Oops, sorry, in the second paragraph it's supposed to say "If his answer is anything other than the last reason I stated".
Oh and it's meant to be "If his answer is the last option then things get a lot more complicated."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous male, it was actually my boyfriend that brought up marriage, I had been thinking about it but he made the suggestion. I don't understand where the thought of putting holes in condoms came from, I never suggested that I would trick him, I think I've made it clear that I'm in love with him if I want a child with him, why would I trick someone I love. None of what you said was really advice, you just repeated my situation to me but made me sound like a bad person (maybe unintentionally) you could probaby give constructive advice if I let you know, as I'm anon anyway, that my first pregnancy happened through rape, I've developed depression and I can't see myself getting better until I have a child.
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A
female
reader, LilPixie +, writes (3 October 2010):
Ask him why he doesn't want a baby. It could be that he just doesn't want one yet because it's quite early on in the relationship. Depending what kind of jobs you 2 have he might also be thinking of financial issues. Or maybe he's worried that you're only wanting a child to get over your last pregnancy. There is of course also a chance that he simply doesn't want children of his own.
I think you should find out his reasons before you address the problem. If his answer is anything that the last reason I stated I think it will be good if you 2 wait and see how the relationship goes. If his answer is the last option that things get a lot more complicated.
I can understand that having a child is very important to you, in fact I know how you're feeling as I can't wait to have my own child, but you can't force someone into something they don't want, especially with something as big as this.
I hope this helps
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): you've been together for six months...
and you say 'we' are planning on getting married in 2 years?
Is that just 'you' are planning on getting married in 2 years?
Basically this guy seems to have everything in order. He wants to wait. If you like him that much and think he will make that good a partner...you'll wait. Plenty can happen in 2 years time...or even 2 weeks time!
He was supportive towards you the first time, because he sounds like a stand up guy. And you needed support. It sounds from your question that the original pregnancy wasn't a joyous one (you typed "due to the circumstances in which it was conceived")
I am just going to add... with my girlfriend it took me more than 6 months to be comfortable totally with her (like farting in front of her!) and we have been together happily for nearly 3 years. Child free I must add. We are not ready...epically now with money and jobs being as questionable as they are (and we are both well educated and have good jobs!)
If I was in his situation...and I found out that you got pregnant through 'tricky' ways (poking holes condoms or what have you) I would be pissed....and that is no way to start a family...or a marriage....or a relationship
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 October 2010):
Then I think you should wait until after the wedding to try and have a baby. One step at a time and first things first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are planning to be married within two years.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (3 October 2010):
 He changed because if you had another man's baby it wasn't his responsibility, but if you had his baby on the other hand...
He's clearly not ready- and after 6 months dating, rightly so...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 October 2010):
Because he's not ready, because you've been together for 6 months, and because you've not got enough money yet. He's doing all this for the right reason. Wait, get a life together, get some money and a career so you can off your child the best and then have a child. Have one too early (which it is), and it will go wrong.
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A
female
reader, tblondie1826  +, writes (3 October 2010):
Answer is simple, the baby will be his for the rest of his life. That is a lot of responsibility especially after only 6 months of being together. I'd say wait longer or until you both are ready for marriage. If you guys don't work out he'll have to support the child and you'll be in his life forever, whether he likes it or not. I know I personally wouldn't want a baby unless I was married or planning on getting married, because then I would be 99% sure we would last and there is more of that chance of lasting and working out. But goodluck either way. I suggest waiting.
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