A
female
age
41-50,
*ixxxy
writes:After being married for 12 years I've told my husband I can take it no more and I want out. He's been cheating which I found out and even after that I've put up for 3 years. We have 2 kids and I have been telling him since a year that I am not happy And plan to leave and his response was much like I never want to hear you say that again or whom are you threatening etc. now that I have confirmed to all friends and family that I have decided to leave he is all about I really love you and saying stuff like everyone makes mistakes forgive me and making claims like he hasnt eaten since 3 days started smoking and having excessive coffee - is he manipulating me again? Due to other logistical challenges we have to be in the same city unless he finds another job and I want to avoid lawyers right away if I can do this peacefully and get him to just get out for a year but he is just not getting it I feel. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (27 May 2012):
Start doing what's good for YOU, OP. Get a lawyer now. They know their way around the legal system; you don't. It's best to be a step ahead of him in this matter. Your man is a slimy weasel and he will do anything to get it his way. The past 12 years proved that. So go into this prepared.
Look at actions, not words, OP. His actions tell you he's a cheater, a selfish man only looking out for himself, with little regard for the feelings of others, or in this case, his significant other: you. No amount of pretty talks can change that. Keep that in mind, also for the future.
As for the kid's sake: it's never good for a child to grow up in a household where one of the parents is unhappy. My best friend, whose parents divorced when she was 13, always told me she wished they had done that earlier because they were much happier apart than together.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 May 2012):
 Seek legal advise as soon as you can, you dont need to use a lawyer if you dont want to, but you should arm yourself with all the information you can.
He has had 12 years to be a decent husband and father, as for him trying to blame his excessive coffee consumption and cigarette (presumeably) smoking on you, well he is an adult and quite capable of making his own bad decisions, as he has done for the past twelve years.
Dont listen to him, dont listen to his sister, just keep putting one foot in front of the other until you leave this marriage far behind you.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2012):
 Just start filing. That is what I would do.
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A
female
reader, Vixxxy +, writes (26 May 2012):
Vixxxy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys agree - totally not a mistake and now even though he's very handsome his face makes me sick ad he's not allowed to touch me. I'll have to get him out of the house and engage a lawyer soon. I also think Ill need a counsellor coz while my parents and sister are supportive of my decision, his sister thinks its all fine and I must sacrifice for the sake of our two kids now that hes willing to change his ways and his family is going to be sending me on a total guilt trip!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): "he is all about I really love you and saying stuff like everyone makes mistakes forgive me" He had twelve years to PROVE he loved you, and while everybody makes mistakes, genuinely remorseful people apologize, accept responsibility, acknowledge the hurt he has caused, and not ask for your forgiveness but instead ask for the opportunity to earn your forgiveness. It's all about him, he wants to get off scot free without accepting any responsibility for his actions or experiencing the consequences of them. "is he manipulating me again?"Yes, and being a whiny little (male female canine) about it. He's a scumbag, lowest of the low, shamelessly playing on your sympathies instead of expressing genuine remorse for the hurt he's caused. What a pussy(cat), get rid of him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 May 2012):
 The presence of a lawyer doesn't threaten the peace of a divorce. In fact, getting a lawyer from the start is your best shot at peace.
Needless to say, of course he's trying to guilt you into staying. However, cheating is not a "mistake". The other woman he chose to run his hands over, put his penis into her vagina, and ejaculate into was an absolute and deliberate choice. I'm sorry for my blunt choice of words, but I'm hoping that what I'm saying knocks out any of the affect his guilt is affecting you, and it is working to a degree if you're talking about doing it nicely with no lawyers. He'll bathe in your financial blood if you do NOT lawyer up, and if you have kids, you need a lawyer even more!
What does his finding a job have to do with you after you split? You're still thinking like a married person when it comes to post-divorce. You've lived a married life of concessions and sacrifice, and he's pushing you into doing it even more. Do you think that he's making the same consideration for you? He doesn't care if things are fair. He is selfish and wants what he wants. He'll take custody of your kids. He'll shirk in child support. You need a lawyer, or you will be manipulated into poverty and the short end of the stick.
Time to stop wavering and start getting heartless here. He blew up the marriage, not you. You're just ending officially what he ended long ago.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (26 May 2012):
 N91 is absolutely right. He's manipulating you, and if you fall for it, you'll be right back where you started. Don't relent! Leave as you've said you would. You'll be much happier in the long run. Good luck, sweet!
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 He's certainly manipulating you into staying. If you're so unhappy, stick to your decision and ask him to leave. Perhaps you have to get a lawyer to complete legal and financial formalities or if he refuses to divorce through mutual consent.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): Its an emotional kind of blackmail , whereby if he makes u feel guilty for him neglecting himself (or makes you think he's neglecting himself), you won't leave him. But if u have made your mind up and its what you want then stick to it. You have to think of your happiness and eventually he will do the same and move on :)
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A
female
reader, eternallyinfinite  +, writes (26 May 2012):
"is he manipulating me again?"
Yep, sounds like it. Stick to your convictions and leave the guy!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): I have been in a similar situation to you. Just do exactly what you plan regardless of what he says or believes. If he doesnt get it now, then he soon will.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 May 2012):
 Yes, he's trying to manipulate you, if you've set your mind on leaving, stick to your guns and kick him out, or find another place you can stay yourself.
Good luck
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