| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been married for 10 years to the man I loved, and we have 2 wonderful children. After 4 happy years, a big issue based on my hubby's "unfair" suspicions, almost made our marriage collapse. We managed to overcome the matter but without going through its cause. I was more concerned about keeping the family together for the sake of my children, nevertheless the issue did put an end to the feelings I had towards him.This has affected my interest in having sex with him. I was never in the mood when he initiates it, but this never stopped him from having intercourse or asking me for oral, getting an orgasm and leaving me feeling deeply hurt! Yet, when He's not around, I used to find myself fantasizing and having intense pleasure and great orgasm masturbating, thinking of no other man but him!A year ago, we moved to an area close to my family and friends. His work required him to travel and stay outside the country regularly. A mere coincidence put me back in contact with one of my ex colleagues, and I realized that I had an intense desire towards him just by seeing him or talking to him. He was clearly feeling the same but I turned him down because I wanted to stay faithful to my husband. I tried to seek satiation for this desire, getting closer to my husband and trying to communicate with him about my insatisfaction in bed, he didn't do more than just listening...I lasted 6 months in my fight against falling for my friend, who was trying the same in vain, as he was aware of my ardent desire. Then one night I realized I couldn't stop it anymore and I had sex with him, the best sex I had in my life! We probably had that instinct before, but since that day, we realized how much our libidos match. We both are suffering from the conflict between wanting to stop an immoral relation and craving for a feeling we only experience together. I cannot tell my hubby about this affair, and I have tried to leave him, but found that this will be a disaster to my children... I am lost, I hate cheating but after 6 years failing to get my natural needs from my husband, who deeply loves me until this moment, I continue to seek the romance and sex with my friend, with whom I have a strong relation of trust, respect and an amazing and unexplicable bond.
View related questions:
affair, in the mood, libido, my ex, orgasm Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Why don't you leave your husband? It sounds like every bone in your body wants to leave him. Contact a divorce counselor to figure out HOW to leave him given your concerns of what he might do. join a online divorce forum or support group. You are not the only woman who's ever been afraid to leave a marriage they really wanted to because of fearing their husband going mental if they leave. Others have been there and successfully done it, let them help you. make the decision that you will leave him, it's just a matter of HOW to do it. Then at least you are moving forwardotherwise you're just spinning your wheels indefinitely, being "unable" to leave your marriage and "unable" to give up your relationship with your friend. the internal conflict is very bad for your mental health.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): From OP:
I can’t read those words, unfairly attacking me and stop myself from adding the details that show how far they are from reality.
Faenon: Again and again I did not CHOOSE; a sentiment inside me was barely existent, like a faint flame for 6 years. Do you think all this time I didn’t encounter men who clearly showed admiration or even dared to seduce me? But that was the least of my interest, for I was not seeking a replacement to that gap in my life, I wasn’t aware of what would it feel like if that flame inside me started to burn. I was indifferent and had feelings of disgust and hatred to any guy who has approached me with such intentions.
It wasn’t a choice I made when my emotions were stirred involuntarily when I met my ex colleague again. I stayed in silence trying to fool myself that this isn’t happening. I had no idea he was feeling the same and there were never insinuations about it. All I know is that this particular person turned the little flame I thought was dead into a blaze, before even any physical contact or touch could happen between us.
My children are and will remain first, they were the reason why I chose to stay when the first clash in my marriage happened and then 6 years later, it’s for their sake that I am not capable of having divorce.
To the female reader who posted:
“You need to leave your husband, because Fear should not be an overriding emotion in a marriage. Fear shouldn't be the foundation of a marriage...”
I thank you for your post and I wish to clarify to all readers, that my husband is a sweet person that worship me and I definitely don't fear the loving husband I knew, but I fear a person I don’t recognise, that same one he turns into when I tell him I am tired of this life and I want a separate way. As long as I stay, he is far from the portrait you painted for him.
LoveGirl:
Where did I indicate that I will not stop cheating? I did write I am not leaving him even though it is the way that suits me, and relieve me from the guilt of being unfaithful. But also, my words in my third update were:
“I am trying to end my affair and I am suffering a lot everytime I take the decision, I weaken and fail to stay away...but this is my only option cause there is no way I can leave my husband”
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): To Faenon:
Your responses are like a breath of fresh air. You are not concerned about ratings and the advice you have given is real and relevant. There are many Aunts and Uncles on DC who like you, care nothing about ratings and give honest advice whether the OP wants to hear it or not. Please do not be disheartened bec your post was removed. At least it made the OP sit up and take note that she didn't fool you. You may be the lone voice but at least you are true to yourself with the advice you dispense. So Chin up, lad, I respect your views and I am sure there are other aunts (who have opted not to response) who agree with your comments wholeheartedly.
To the OP:
I actually do not know whether to be angry at you or to pity you bec you are in a sad delusional state of denial. I have read and re read your updates and I cannot believe that you believe your bulldust you have writing here.
OP, I mean this with the utmost respect when I suggest to you that you seek a psychologist to help you with your adultery. Your thought process is very flawed and maybe a professional will help you quiten the noise in your head. Perhaps once you seek the advice of a medical professional you will understand how you can rationalise your cheating and your relationship with your lover.
I also humbly suggest you read the 'Sex' related questions here dealing with ones inability to orgasm, a hb/parter who cums too quickly and also people who cheat to get sexual gratification. Since you are so blase about your adultery nothing anyone says here condoning your adultery gets through to you. You are very defensive and justify your cheating behaviour. You have not looked at both sides of your cheating and you have opted to only view your side of the cheating.
I think once you read the sex questions on DC you may realise that many marriages have sex related issues but many people seek to slowly understand it and work through it.
I also believe that you have deep seethed control issues and this is evident in your follow ups. My suggestion that you seek an experienced counsellor should not be treated lightly. You are not in control of your thoughts and sadly you are self destructing every day. The sad truth is that you choose not to see it.
No amount of illicit sex can change what you have become. I actually fear your kids 'safety' bec I fear you abandoning them during your sexual encounters. Are you a 'bad' mother? I hope not.
I think once you realise and understand the inner you and why you behave the way you do, you will come to terms with your adultery, your inability to be faithful and the destruction of your marriage.
In the end you will only realise once it is too late what you have lost.
I humbly implore you to see a psychologist just to get a better understanding of your emotions and take it from there.your kids are minors and no matter what, I still believe that you have a role to play in their lives.
So ultimately it is your decision. It is not a disgrace or for you to be ashamed of seeking professional help.
I believe that all we will do here on DC will erupt in a war of words without you seeing and acknowledging the errors of your ways. Yes we are not perfect but when we refuse to identify or problems and we shift blame we have a bigger problem than we admit to.
I do not know what the future holds for you. You have indicated that you will not stop cheating so I will not break the camels back and suggest otherwise now.
Get professional help and HEAL.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): You need to leave your husband, because Fear should not be an overriding emotion in a marriage. fear shouldn't be the foundation of a marriage...A man who has no qualms about destroying his kids' lives to gain control of his wife is despicable. A man who is perfectly happy to have his way sexually with his wife against her will and ignores the distress this inflicts on her, is a monster (I'm surprised only one other poster picked up on this). I don't know how you managed to stay this long without cracking. Or maybe you did crack as evidenced by your affair.He destroyed the marriage long before your affair ever began. The last I checked, I thought husbands are supposed to love their wives and not use them like a piece of meat and scare the crap out of them? he destroyed the marriage long ago but is keeping it from ending by using fear to stop you leaving. this is a horrible way to live, he has issues he needs to get a grip on but he's not. So please leave him get a restraining order if you must. You can do it. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Life is not always about decisions we make...This is just like accidents that happen to you over which you have no control and no power to avoid and stop...but with time and will, you get over it.True enough there are circumstances at times that are out of our control BUT and it's a very big but in your situation the problems in your marriage right now arent from the powers that be that are out of your control you chose the path to walk down to pursue a intimate affair with a ex work colleague you CHOSE to do so, so it was very much in your control and you took the easy way out instead of addressing and working harder to do the right thing by the father of your children.Since my first post on this thread was voted for removal from mods I wash my hands of it since reason and common sense logic and decency seems to be out of your parameters.If anything when the light of all this comes out to your husband your going to be the bitter one in the end when your own children lose faith in your integrity for no man will ever lie to their child on why he isn't with mum anymore think about that while you still try to justify your actions may peace somehow find you to help you correct the problem.@Lovegirl if only more men and women thought on the same mindset as yourself and I the world would be a decent place.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): From OPTo LovegirlMy post is clear enough with no contradictions and no changes in the story, you just need to read the lines! I simply gave further details in reply to some posts that really interested me and helped me reason better.To all readersMy post was basically a way of true expression about a conflict of feelings, a confession that one would only make to onself, and rare are the people that can be honest with themselves about their own vices. I know that being unfaithful is immoral. I broke my vows, but I didn't wake up one morning and decide to do so. Life is not always about decisions we make...This is just like accidents that happen to you over which you have no control and no power to avoid and stop...but with time and will, you get over it. This is where I am today, I tried to make a decision but it was destroying, I tried to make another one but I failed and please I don't need any lecture unless it comes from a "perfect human being"...Thanks to all who took the time to reflect about my issue and who helped me with their views.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): To the MODS, thank you for posting my comments.To Faenon, right on the mark.LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Dear OP, you throw around the word 'abuse' very freely. Is your hb abusing you or does he just threaten you not to leave. From the original post to your updates you have changed your story . You mentioned that you loved your hb, in your updates it seems as though you loathe him????Seems like now you are seeking advice on your so called "fear of your hb" instead of focusing on your affair and your lover.You are destroying your kids lives by sleeping around with your lover, your term of 'friend' instead of lover, shows that u are in denial of what u are doing.This thread has taken a different turn, first it was about your adultery, now 'fear' to leave your hb.I wrote you a hard, eye opening response which was blocked: amongst others it questioned you blackening your hbs character and running him down on DC. It also spoke about your cheating ways and for you to be accountable for your actions. I also tried to show you that men (and women) do not take lightly when their partners threaten to leave their marriage. Others do a 360 when faced with cheating spouses.I really think that in your mind you have separated your adultery with your lover and then your 'fear' to leave.Have you heard of the 80/20 principle, seems like you are giving up 80 % for 20% sex. When I read your post you complained about your inability to orgasm, therefore you found a lover . Perhaps you need to have a reality check: your inability to orgasm with your hb does not justify your cheating ways.You meet your lover easily when your hb is out working. I assume you are a housewife??? So hubby breaks his back for his dearest wife, and kids and you repay him by finding sex from another man? Just think about it,ok?You do not seem fazed by your unfaithfulness (not to me anyway) , you are only fazed by what your hb will do when he discovers your cheating. If you are so 'scared' then the simplest solution would be to stop having sex with your lover. You refuse to do this bec you now feel entitled to have good mindblowing sex with your lover. Where are your kids when you meet your lover? Are they safe?I also had a message for Faenon and the other male Anon, who questioned you and who was not brainwashed into thinking that you are innocent in your affair. I think other posts challenging what you are doing may have been blocked.I think you have a false sense of vindication bec almost all of the responses are condoning you and your affair, then you throw in a character assassination of your hb, and you lap up the sympathy. Honey , take a step back and see how you have manipulated your situation. Question, and please be honest: is your hb a good man, decent man, working his a$$ off for you and his kids,paying all your expenses, a good dad to his kids BUT unable to satisfy you sexually?Instead of sleeping around with your lover would your vibrator not suffice?Your choice to be unfaithful is a choice. You were not coerced and not blackmailed into it. Please realise this. Your choice has consequences. To the other Aunts: if a man cheated on his wife bec she was unable to 'satisfy' him, would your answers be different. We would have berated him and made him feel like scum, isn't it? Why is it that sometimes there is a general trend to condone a wifes cheating? Please help me understand this double standard.Mods, you blocked my original post, trust you will allow this to be posted. By blocking my posts I think the OP has not been taken to tasked about her hb (who btw is not committing adultery, he provides financially and he is a good dad). I think perhaps the OP has a false sense of vindication about her affair and her 'friend'(???). LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, faenon +, writes (4 February 2011):
If I went too far it's only to knock some sense into your inadequacy at accepting your the catalyst and cause of the marriage falling apart with your affair when people suck it up and take responsibility for their own actions instead of feeding themselves lies that it's always someone elses fault is when you can actually go ahead and plan on healing or making amends. The solution still remains and is very simple you chose to disavow and spit on marriage vows and a commitment with a fling you've apparently tried to fix the marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (4 February 2011):
if you are only staying out of fear, then you might want to make a back up plan for how to leave if and when you are ready. Since fear of your husband is a big factor in why you're not leaving, call a domestic violence helpline in your area and they should be able to help you figure out how to leave safely. You would need to plan where you will stay (with friends/family, or getting an apartment). You may need to stash away some savings in advance. You may need to get a restraining order in advance. You may need to figure out what to do if your husband may try to kidnap your kids from school to get back at you...stuff like that. some times, just getting mentally organized and going through this planning-to-leave stage may make you feel more empowered to finally make a decision to leave. And even if you have a plan in place it doesn't mean you HAVE to leave, you can still choose to stay, but you would at least be staying from a stronger position knowing you have some safety net as a back up and are not as powerless as you may feel before.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): faenon:
You really went to far, I don't think you are writing about me though.
...............................
A
male
reader, faenon +, writes (3 February 2011):
you fear your husband will destroy it all out of spite wake up to yourself and accept your at fault you've already destroyed the marriage and the way your own kids will look at women if you have sons as well as yourself so many people who still can't take responsibility for your own actions your husbands reaction about it all is perfectly normal for a man who has been deceived who pays to cloth your children and keep a roof over your head if what you say is true and you've tried to make it work do your husband a favor and file for divorce the children don't need a deceitful mother around and he doesnt need a lying wife.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): "Fair is telling your husband that you are going to leave if changes don't take place, that allows him to make decisions and take actions knowing that" : That's the big difference between your personal experience and mine! You were not given that chance, and that is definitely not fair, but then again, maybe you only tried to work on your marriage when you faced the worse.
I have given my husband every chance to make the changes, for the sake of our relationship in the first place and not because I intended to leave.
"feathering your bed for when you leave so you don't have to deal with being alone if you leave your husband"
I had no intention to leave him and I didn't seek anyone to replace him...My relation with my friend - and I insist on the term friend- wasn't planed, it was mere fate and I did resist it but I am human and I am suffering, so I weakened... This was the turning point in my life. I was putting up with a life that buried the female in me, that denied me any sense of happiness as an individual, I can say I was “satisfied” and saw there is nothing more important to seek elsewhere. Until my friend reappeared in my life, and unleashed what was sedating for years...
“would you say your husband is abusive or do you fear that he can or will become abusive if you try to leave him again?”...” Even if the abuse happens just ONCE but you are forever kept in line with your head down out of fear, that's still abuse”
Well then, if the term matters, yes he will become abusive and will seek any opportunity to hurt me and destroy me if I leave him for the fact that we have unsolved issues together. I don’t even want to imagine what would happen if I am leaving him for another guy, or for that specific friend, or even if he finds out that I have been having sex with someone else...
This is better than counselling; I am expressing my agony freely and every word that has been written is helping me. After all I must make the choice and the dilemma is summarized with Chocoholicforever’s sentence:
“You might need help to cope, or to make a plan to leave him safely”
I am not ready to make the choice yet.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 You cannot think like that, you have to leave your husband, affair or no, you should not have to stay out of fear. You have to begin taking precautions, making preparations so that when you leave, you and your children have a secure future. Whatever steps he makes you have to counter, if he takes illegal action, you need to inform someone but you cannot let him control how you wish to live your life.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 February 2011):
"I tried to leave him but his pride was hurt and he took actions to avenge it, that almost caused a disaster. He was completely blinded in his reactions that even destroying the children didn't stop him. When I withdrew, he's back to be the soft person I always knew, but our problems remained."OK now the situation looks far WORSE than you let on in your initial posting!!You are basically staying in you marriage out of fear.You did already try to leave him. But his reaction was so scary, you were so afraid of what he would do because it appeared he was willing to "destroy" the kids' lives, so you stayed. then once you stayed, he went back to being his normal self, because he got his way. This Jekyll and Hyde thing is scary, isn't it?? it's also scary that he was willing to go so far as to "destroy" the kids' lives, to get his way.of course you're living in fear now and you are feeling trapped because your needs are not being met and haven't been met for years, while you are sacrificing to meet his, and you want to leave but are afraid of him.I think you may want to see a counselor for more help, because staying in a marriage out of FEAR is really unhealthy. You might need help to cope, or to make a plan to leave him safely. Because it sounds like you really want to leave him, you've tried for 6 years to stay. I think your affair is a symptom of your desperation (it's still unethical to be having an affair but that's a wake up call to look at the root of the real problem).would you say your husband is abusive or do you fear that he can or will become abusive if you try to leave him again? Abusive marriages are not always when the wife gets beat up every day or if she gets put in the hospital! Even if abuse happens occasionally, it's still abuse. Even if the abuse happens just ONCE but you are forever kept in line with your head down out of fear, that's still abuse.I don't know if I'm misinterpreting what you wrote...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): "But you were very harsh on me, I am still fulfilling my role as a housewife, a mother and a (one-way) lover for my husband."I'm not attacking you, but harsh is a word that fits. The truth is HARSH. Affairs are just like that, HARSH AND CRUEL.You can say that you are fulfilling your role all you want, but you are not. You are having an affair, when you took that step you stopped doing what you are supposed to be doing as wife, mother, and lover.You are cheating. Cheating is being "unfair" to others. Who are you being unfair to? Fair is telling your husband that you are going to leave if changes don't take place, that allows him to make decisions and take actions knowing that. Unfair is screwing the other guy behind his back, finding out what he is like emotionally, sexually, physically, and feathering your bed for when you leave so you don't have to deal with being alone if you leave your husband.But you leave him to deal with it, alone, and knowing that you found someone who was better than him in every way he can possibly imagine...even if it isn't true."His sex life with me is full and satisfied as opposed to mine."Sorry to pop your balloon, but this isn't true. A sex life is never full and satisfying if the other partner isn't getting what they want from it, never. Something is very wrong in your relationship, and you probably don't know what it is, and you are reacting to it by silence, secrecy, sex with someone else.Personal story, my wife had an affair, yes, the other guy was fantastic and the sex was wild and crazy for...2 months or less, then it just became like all the other sex in the world. Yes, she thought I didn't want her, didn't love her, didn't care about her, didn't think she was attractive, thought I liked my work more than her. She had all the reasons to have an affair.None of what she thought was true, not one bit of it, but she was certain of it. I had a job, loved my wife, loved my kids, thought she was "hot" and "sexy" and wanted to be with her more than anything else, and had been loyal and faithful through illness and childbearing and distance from home with work (when I certainly had opportunities to not be faithful). She thought a lot of things that weren't true.The sex problems we had didn't resolve till she started talking, and our sex life became mutually satisfying when she started talking, really talking. It took months of counseling to get her to talk, and I might add, not until the 4th counselor over a 20 year period, did she truly talk.So, you may think you know all about your marriage, but you don't know anything unless you are talking fully, openly, honestly, and willingly...and you can't do that while you have another man on top of you in bed.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): To the guy who wrote :"You are the perfect age for the affair..."You have described my husband correctly and that's exactly the reason of my pain. But you were very harsh on me, I am still fulfilling my role as a housewife, a mother and a (one-way) lover for my husband. His sex life with me is full and satisfied as opposed to mine, you didn't see me giving and sacrificing all these years. It is not my mistake if he is not trying and trying hard to make me happy in bed and in the romance that once was there and vanished because of his doing... And I disagree with you in your last words making me unfaithful with retro-action. I had all the reasons to leave him then but I didn't and I still don't want divorce, although many replies suggested it's the best resort. It actually is for my best, but I am not being selfish.To chocoholicforever... You highlighted my pain and endurance but I cannot leave him, I have tried to exit this marriage while staying on good terms with him, but his reaction was scary. I will not be able to do it again.Cerberus used the term fear, and that's how I feel when the idea of leaving him crosses my mind again. I have put so much effort to raise my young children and there is a long way to go, I fear he will destroy it all just for revenge. I am trying to end my affair and I am suffering a lot everytime I take the decision, I weaken and fail to stay away...but this is my only option cause there is no way I can leave my husband...
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (2 February 2011):
It sounds as though you are trapped in this marriage but it seems as though you are in this out of fear rather than love. He threatens to destroy you and your children if you leave him? That is no way to win someone back. I have to admit I am deeply concerned about his behavior towards you. Considering the fact that he 'listens' and yet makes absolutely no changes whatsoever to ensure your enjoyment, considering the fact that he seems to wreak havoc in the face of rejection, I think it is best that you leave him for good. He does not listen and he cares only so long as he has you and he obviously causes you great distress in the face of rejection even when you were being perfectly honest and you tried to leave. Whether or not it was because of your description of him, these are villainous traits and you cannot and should not have that in your life. You cannot force yourself to love him so I think it is best that you end this. Stop lying and start taking action. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 February 2011):
You need to end your affair and divorce your husband.
It's wrong to be in an affair while you're married. And if you were to leave your husband just to be with this man, you're doing so under false premises. you don't really know this guy because the time you spend together is artificial and not real-life. You could be very disappointed and regret leaving your husband if you were to be with him for real.
But at the same time I don't think you should stay with your husband. Once you're married, your spouse is the only person in the world you're supposed to be having your sexual needs met by. Sex is thus very important to a marriage because once married, this is IT as far as how you get your sexual needs met. If you have a huge sexual problem with your husband and it's been many years and it's just not getting solved adequately, then I do think this is grounds for ending a marriage because continuing to be married without this key component to your emotional health, is sentencing yourself to a lifetime of
(1) imbalance if you remain faithful and forego sex cos you can't stand it with him, or
(2) a life of being violated because you have to have sex with someone you can't stand touching you, or
(3) a life of getting this need met outside the marriage which is what you're doing now but is unethical.
So I think that remaining in a marriage where you hate having sex with your husband will tear you down inside. Probably it already has because you're right now in situation #3. So what more is there to do except divorce?
you could go to marital counseling and see if addressing that big issue long ago that turned you off to your husband, can help you bring back feelings for him. But if not, then I think divorcing him would probably be better in the long run.
I also find it disturbing and offensive that your husband was fine having sex with you against your will and satisfying himself at your expense. When this happens repeatedly like in a marriage it is extremely damaging to you because not only are you being violated but the person doing the violating is the very person who should be your best friend who cares about you the most.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Thank you for your posts, I appreciate your views but to answer a common question; Yes I have communicate with my husband long enough and still do, regarding the sex issues. He tries sometimes and ignores most of the time, because he says it takes two to get this happening. But if I hadn't been experiencing my own fantasies and orgasms by masturbation, and lately the hot relation with my friend, I would have thought that the problem is me.
6 years time is quite a long period to proove that I have tried. It is also long enough that it is unfair for me living with a husband I loved and still deeply care about, but have no passion towards him.
I tried leaving him but his pride was hurt and he nearly destroyed my life and that of my children if I haven't withdrawn the idea.
He loves me and he knows I cannot tell him that word anymore, but I had to lie many times when he asked me if I have someone else. I know things will turn hostile if I confess.
I really don't know what to do, and if it is a right thing, after all I have tried for over 5 years, to get my escape with my friend and feel a passion I am missing without hurting anyone as long as my affair remains a secret.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): You are the perfect age for the affair.You have the perfect complaints, a husband who doesn't understand you, who doesn't give you what you need and want.Read some books on affairs, this is all that is going on, and nothing more.Yes, your lover is the greatest guy in bed in the world, yes he understands your sexual needs more than anyone else ever could, yes he probably has the finest penis that ever walked the earth, and you have..."have a strong relation of trust, respect and an amazing and unexplicable bond."Really? Seriously, this bond of trust/respect is one of cheating on your husband, lying to your husband, betraying your family, and helping another man put one over on the guy who supports the children and wife he doesn't know is cheating on him.Where is the trust and respect in all that. This is about mistrust, lies, and disrespect, that is the bond, you are screwing over another human being together.This guy doesn't have to support your kids, pay your mortgage, worry about your retirement, think about your medical care, etc, etc, etc.This is a fantasy, a cruel fantasy.You want to see pain? Wait till you tell your spouse what you have been doing. Wait till your children find out their mother cheated on their father, and they more likely than not will find out some day. Wait till 20 years from now when they try to have relationships and can't trust their partners because if their "mom, who was so wonderful, could cheat on dad, then anyone would cheat on me."So, now you need to work on this marriage, really work on it, or get out of that marriage before anyone finds out, and do it without another guy involved.By the way, your husband's "unfair" suspicions 6 years ago may not have been so unfair if you went ahead and cheated on him 6 years later. Usually the person who cheats is the one who is not giving all of themselves to the marriage, even when they are not cheating, and that is where a lot of those "unfair" suspicions originate.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Thank you so much for the posted answers.
Cerberus, your answer touched me cause it perfectly conveys my dilemma, but it is far more complicated than that... After all 6 years of distance between a couple is longer than what it seems... My husband loves me but doesn't understand how I feel... We are open to discussing sex and I never stopped telling him that I am not enjoying it, that he comes so quickly, that when I don't feel like having it, he can change this by being a bit romantic, but no matter what he does, I am turned off! I honestly thought the problem is in me, but my orgasm from masturbating alone and now that I experienced those feelings with my friend, I know that there is nothing wrong with me.
I tried to leave him but his pride was hurt and he took actions to avenge it, that almost caused a disaster. He was completely blinded in his reactions that even destroying the children didn't stop him. When I withdrew, he's back to be the soft person I always knew, but our problems remained.
I have lived with him for over 5 years where I locked away my sexual needs, so I know exactly that sex cannot replace the husband and children in my life. But I am the only one sacrificing here, and I have no intention to take my friend as a husband but I see him as an escape and consolation to my pain, and I don't think that the chemistry we have is something you fall on so easily, wether married or not.
I appreciate all comments cause they are true and very close to my endurance, and truly hope that the more I share this issue, the clearer my thoughts will be, and eventually I will find a way to end it.
...............................
A
male
reader, df30 +, writes (2 February 2011):
Well he loves you deeply but he completes looks out for himself in the bedroom and doesn't communicate at all with you, Id say the other are right if your not in love with your husband then leave the children will survive. Don't be that kind of person. Its obvious you dont love your husband because no matter how bad someone is at sex if you love them you will stay faithful, not "I love him but I need to get sex from a different person" no matter how bad you paint the picture of your husband being the bad guy,(which he may be) you need to leave or work on things, dont play both sides of the fence and stay for the children and lust after some other guy.Be honest with your husband and tell him what you need if he can't do it then leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, laxjul22 +, writes (2 February 2011):
If you want to cut off the afair, do it and don't look back and don't tell a soul! If you want to continue sleeping with this man, you have to say something. However, make sure that the man you ate sleeping with is also capable of the relationship you want because if he isn't, you will be at a loss from everything
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (2 February 2011):
You have to stop seeing your friend. When you have sex with your husband, do you tell him what your wants and needs are? if you do, does he ignore you completely? You say he loves you deeply and yet you imply that you only find romance, trust and respect with this friend of yours? Is your marriage so empty that you would seek a husband from your friend? If that is so, I would suggest you leave your husband. The children will survive. You can still be friends and he can still be there for them as a father as he is there for them now, traveling in and out of the country. Whilst I usually support marriage and strongly suggest exhausting every option, I can see that you are already deeply conflicted in this situation and carrying on like this will only transmogrify all malevolent emotions until they become so hideous, your relationship collapses. More so than the children will be able to handle.
But if this problem revolves ONLY around the sexual aspect of your marriage, if your husband is romantic, if your husband does respect you then, you have to keep trying to make this work. Try everything because you cannot allow yourselves to destroy this marriage because of sex and you have to make him see this somehow. You have to talk to him in bed, tell him what you desire and see if he listens. But to start, you MUST stop seeing your friend.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dr.love23 +, writes (2 February 2011):
I believe the best thing you can do is sit and talk to tour husband how you really feel about your marriage. If he Is a violent person its probably better not to tell him you cheated on him. But my best advise would be to see a marriage therapist.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Stop. I have been there. No good will come out of this affair. I have recently gone through what you are experiencing now. I lost my husband. I realize how much I love him. No sex in the world is worth losing your children and/or your husband. Stay away and Run Like Crazy!!!
...............................
|
