A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with a married man for the last 4 years. Initially we started off as friends but became much more than that. He was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a very controlling woman. They were supposed to be divorcing but I am still to see any progress. he keeps saying that the lawyer has no news. He tells me that he has physically seperated from her but cannot live with me as she might find out and ruin the chances of an amicable divorce.On the other hand, through friends, I came to know that he has been seen around with his spouse. Everytime I hear of something similar, he denies it. But deep down I know its true as he has hidden several things in the past from me. We love each other very much and I know this for sure. BUt I have come to a point where I cant take his lying anymore ( he keeps telling me that he does it for us, to protect me).I have decided to walk away. But its very hard. I keep wanting to go back to him. Am I making the correct decision in walking out?
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divorce, emotionally abusive, married man Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 The only person who really has claim to this man's attention is his wife. She is the only one who has the right to question his intentions or integrity. When you assume the role you've taken, you get the scraps. Unfortunately, as time goes by, the third person in the marriage begins to believe they actually deserve a part in scenario.
Let me give you an example. Someone steals your new car. You saved all your money to buy it and you're very upset. Does the person who took it, and grows attached to your car, eventually have equal rights to it? No, he should buy his own car.
I know when we deal with human feelings it's not that easy but the concept is the same. It really doesn't matter how the two of you became a couple. It was not morally justified. That is common sense. You have assumed a role that helps in causing pain to many people, kids, wife, yourself etc. It is difficult to make the proper choice sometime. Our hearts lead us in other directions. Sometimes it's more important to do what's right as opposed to what we desire.
A
male
reader, Ankit +, writes (1 February 2008):
Hey
Seriously just answer me seriously are u just plainly dumb or so blinded in luv that u cannot see the obvious....
He is taking u for a ride sweetheart...
Thats how most married men in India are...
u are gullible enough to trust him all these while...
All is not lost...
Move on....
Best Regards
Ankit.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Well he is certainly stringing you along, he is in love with his wife. I don't feel sorry for you as you knew he was married but still chose to go after him, you have got your just desserts. His wife on the other hand, i do feel for, she deserves better. As for her being a controlling wife? i suppose it is different from him saying 'my wife doesn't understand me', 'we don't sleep together' all that sort of nonsense married men spout. I have seen a few marriages over the years where men/women have cheated on their spouses and it has brought nothing but heartbreak to the people who are cheated on and any children that are involved. As for his lawyer, i doubt he has seen one. Lawyers make money out of divorces etc, there would be no hold up there. It's just another lie he has told you.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Your brain tells you to get out but your heart tells you to stay.Are you very sure you can live without him or cut him off totally from your life?
Can you answer that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): He loves his wife true blue, it doesn't seem that way because of the affair, but, she has a hold on his heart because he can't leave her, probably now more than ever, you were someone for him to escape. Someone, like a nasty secret, he was living an illusion, no bills, no kids, a place he could go to screw, and he didn't have to respect you but he lied to you for 4 years he doesn't owe you anything, he has had 4 years! to leave.. You were an escape from his home, I don't feel sorry for you sorry, a woman who sleeps with a married man isn't worth anyone feeling sorry for, I just feel content another one bites the dust thinking she was above another woman by thinking she was desired more, you will have to lick your wounds, because this man truly took you for a long ride........ I am sure you caused a lot of pain to his wife, doesn't say kids so he has no other excuse of staying with his wife......Tell you what Dating Sites are full of Married Men, you could always try that route.....4 YEARS! NO WAY.......
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (1 February 2008):
 He has no backbone and is just using you. I have no doubts he is fond of you but not fond enough to give up the life he has with her to be with you exclusively.
There is no reason why he can't move out of the house, find himself some place to live (on his own) and go through with the divorce. She doesn't even need to know about you; amicable divorce,simple! But he won't! He's telling you what you want to hear ie there's no physical relationship, I love you and want to be with you blah blah blah. Tell him to prove to you by ACTIONS that he means what he says and break up with him! Once he's single, tell him to call you and stick to it. You'll soon see whether or not he truly does love you.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): I have found that guys are very good at keeping things in separate "boxes". He probably does love you, but in reality will not leave his wife. To him, these are two separate things, and he feels no reason to change anything, if he can have you and his wife. A typical guy sees nothing wrong with this. Secondly, even if he did leave his wife, he would most likely cheat on you.
You deserve better than this. There are plenty of guys out there who will love you and be totally committed to just you.
You are definitely doing the right thing by walking away from this situation.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Hi there
I'm so sorry for what you are going through at the moment.
But i believe you are doing the right thing by walking away.
From your post, i gathered the following:
- He keeps your relationship hidden from his (ex) wife
- He is putting off getting divorced
- He lies to you
Do you really want to be with a man, who not only hides his love for you, but procrastinates for you to be together, and then lies to you and tells you it is to protect you?
Honestly - NO.
You sound like such a sweet lady. Why don't you move on, and find that guy who is out there waiting for you? You deserve so much better than what this man is currently offering you. And you have been so patient.
It is time now to look after yourself. Find the man that will treat you with respect, be honest to you, and be worthy of your trust. Because you are worth it.
Good luck.
Mail me if you want to chat.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Hes not going to divorce her, you know that deep down. If he was going to he would of done by now. It wouldnt take all this time to hear news from the solicitor.
Maybe he does love you, but then again maybe he doesnt. Maybe he wants his cake and eat it.
There is a reason he wont leave her and at the least if its because shes dominant of him, what use is that to you?
You are single, in theory, you dont need to be wasting your time listening to lies from a married man.
I had a guy that lied and said it was to protect us, not a guy in another relationship i hasten to add, but lies none the less and im afraid they dont lie to protect you, they lie to protect themselves.
I gave him a second chance, but he certainly wouldnt of got a third.
It would be tough letting him go but unless he is gonna give you himself 100%, do you really think you are worth so little that you deserve to live like that?
Good luck.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, happyholly +, writes (1 February 2008):
You have only heard his side of things, his wife may have a totaly different story to tell. You love him very much but i cant say that he does not loves you. This is not the actions of a man that does. You know in your heart of hearts the truth. My take on things is that your whole relationship is based on lies. The sex may be fantastic he may shower you with gifts the arguments may be few the attention he gives you may be lovely but you do not have him he has you when HE wants you. You dont have bills,money worries, children together or the day 2 day living with him so this relationship is only based on the good times you have( and as we know this does not last for ever ,it has to go deeper) and u just getup set when he lies or when you find out about them. Keep busy and try 2 stay away from him. IF and WHEN he leaves his wife because he is not happy in the realtionship not because of you. If it is true love he can then make contact with you and then you can decied( IT MAY BE you HAVE MOVED ON)
KEEP BUSY WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY, HAVE SOME ME TIME AND DONT LISTEN TO LOVE SONGS LOL IT ONLY MAKES YOU DAY DREAM MORE.
Good luck and i hope it works out for the best,
Hollyx
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