A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this girl about 4 months ago and got to know her really well, and decided to ask her out. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know somebody else did, too. She came clean with me though, and told me how she really didn't like this other guy, but didn't mention how she felt about me. Well the other guy got his own girlfriend and is leaving her alone (thank God). It's been about 3 or 4 weeks since I asked her out, and she's been telling me all about how her ex-boyfriend was a complete dick to her and she is afraid to get back into another relationship, which I can understand but there's a big difference between him and I. She immediately went out with this guy before getting to know him and she knows me really well and we haven't gone out yet so she knows BEFORE what I'm like. I mean, that makes sense doesn't it? On top of that, I found out that she is depressed about family issues, etc and also has issues with cutting. She told me a hundred times that she's not trying to kill herself. I want to help her and can't stop thinking about her and have NO IDEA what to do. Somebody told me that the only reason I want to go out with her is because I pity her and I liked her before I found out all this stuff. HALP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): thanks everybody! i'im the original poster, i just lost that annoying code, anyways, thanks so much to everybody who posted, but for the people who said i am just trying to help her, i liked her WELL before i knew anything about her cutting, etc. and i forgot to mention i already told her how i feel. im trying to give her some space, is that the best idea?
A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (12 June 2007):
 I can understand where you are coming from when you say she's known you a long time and should know you wouldn't do what her ex did. I went out with a guy when I was 18 who was a "friend" before we got together and he turned out to be a big jerk and it destroyed our friendship.
Give her some some to come to terms with what this guy did and show her how you aren't like him by being there for her when she needs someone. If you entered in to a relationship with her it wouldn't be a very happy one while she is so messed up, and it'll be no fun at all if there are trust issues.
Being an ex self harmer myself I'd suggest her going to talk to a preofessional about it. I didn't for a long long time, and deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong, I just didn't need to be told again and again by people that it was. She needs help and support in finding another way to vent the feelings she is going through.
Be there as a mate when she wants to talk or hang out and maybe one day she'll be ready to enter a relationship with you, but right now she needs to sort herself out or she'll be in the same mess in a few months from now.
Good luck xxxxx
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (12 June 2007):
 Tell her that when she feels really down and feels like cutting, to ring you and talk about it. You can talk to her and cheer her up. I used to cut myself but when I started ringing someone I trusted, it helped me through it and helped me to stop it.
Don't keep pestering her about going out with you - you may not be now, but don't try to get her to say yes, as a lot of the ppl have said on here, she needs to get herself sorted.
Be there for her as a friend and see where that leads you. But don't just be her friend to get her to go out with you.
If she is really bad she needs to speak to someone who's trained to deal with this.
Hope I helped. x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): Hello there dear lad!What you got here is classical women psychology. It's exactly like my first girlfriend.So, what you should do:1. STOP TALKING ABOUT HER EX BOYFRIEND! That means both you NOT starting discussions about this and whenever SHE starts talking, you don't answer and just start talking about something else ( make sure you don't do this in a weird way, it's very hard for me to tell you how )2. EVERY GIRL HAS *ISSUES* , ESPECIALLY AT YOUR AGE. She will over dramatise her family problems ( my first one would say stuff like she has a step father, etc. ) and the cutting shit is just a way to get some attention... Just let her talk about everything, keep nodding and say a sincere I UNDERSTAND. You DON'T HAVE TO FIX HER, you just listen to her, that's how she can get better.3. IF YOU HAVEN'T MADE A STEP UNTIL NOW, YOU BETTER BACK DOWN A LITTLE. She's too used with you as her girlfriend-shrink so you just need to ignore her for some time. I'd say... 2 weeks in which you never start a conversation with her and only answer if she asks. After that, start FRESH ;)
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A
female
reader, trizzac  +, writes (12 June 2007):
 hiya hun,
i can see u really like this girl why dont you and her some after noon go to your local park or somewhere and talk all this off blowing the steam is the best thing to do.....
tell you love her and you are there for her if she needs you and that even as friends you will always love her tell her u'll help her thruogh this!!!dont rush into the going out stuff until shes back on track dho she needs to get things off her back all she needs now is a good friend and when she see's that your always there for her she'll fall right into ur arm i pormise you that
gud luk hun and keep me up dated send me an email sumtime if you need sum1 to talk to kk
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A
female
reader, Aunty Sarah +, writes (12 June 2007):
 You need to be really clear about your feelings for this girl before you go any further. It sounds to me like she has lots of issues and you are going to have to be very strong to help her through them. She may already realise this, she may feel that if she lets you 'in', you will not like her any more, that is why she feels safe keeping you as just a friend. You need complete honesty with her. Try telling her how you feel about her, but also let her know that you are willling to take things slowly. Remember that it will be tough supporting her through her issues, you have to ask your self if you are ready for that. It may be an idea to look up some information on self harming so that you can really see what she is going through and pick up some advice on how to support people in this situation. You can then decide what you want to do.
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A
male
reader, wildturkey  +, writes (12 June 2007):
 I have lived through something like that, except it was an ex that i still loved.. There is no right and wrong answer if u think you have the strengh to keep up the suport without a relationship then go for it. I think it might take a bit of time for her to sort her self out. personaly i couldnt cope with being a pasive bystander, but that was just me.
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A
male
reader, coprolite  +, writes (12 June 2007):
 It sounds like this girl probably has some deep emotional issues, which I seriously doubt that you (and certainly not her) fully understand. Your desire to help her is admirable, but you can't fix her. You should have no illusions about this. You are not a therapist, and it sounds like maybe that's what she needs.
If she gets into abusive relationships with guys she barely knows, and cuts herself, something tells me that you are probably not the sort of guy she goes for.. because you actually seem to care about her. If you still want to give it a try, don't pressure her. Be her friend, show playful interest, and be chill.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): plenty more fish in the sea - and with less baggage. however if you want to pursue... leave her to her own devices and dont try to problem solve for her - if she's worth it, she'll come to you. you made your intentions clear already.
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A
female
reader, xSarax +, writes (12 June 2007):
 First of all she needs some help, but that doesnt mean you should be all over her and at the click of her fingers. girls like it when a lad plays hard to get because it makes them think about you more. we always want something that we can't have so because she knows you'll be there she looses her interest. not wanting to get hurt is normal if you don't know the person but if she knows you she should trust you by now. i think that you should just ask her upfront whether she likes you or not also explain that self harming doesn't solve any problems and suggest counciling. If she can't give you a yes or no answer i think you should back off a bit and give her a couple of weeks to decide. and if she finally hasnt decided by then its time to move on. if she does like you then id keep an eye out for the other lad that asked her out but don't be over the top with it. best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): Dude! This girl is C-R-A-Z-Y! If that's your thing then, hey, enjoy the ride. Know that nothing very lasting and stable can happen until SHE sorts out some of her issues. This means unless she wants to be saved and is going to make an effort herself you can't help her. I would advise (from personal experience) not getting sucked into her misery. Be kind and attempt to help her if you want to be her friend. Or, if you just want to get some, be an a-hole like all of her past boyfriends. At any rate, know this: Being gentle with her and trying to make her happy by being a nice guy WILL NOT WORK. Sorry, but a crazy girl like her may need a nice guy more than she will ever realize, but she only understands how to respond romantically to strong guys with a personality streak of "dick." Good luck kiddo.
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A
female
reader, Cascara +, writes (12 June 2007):
Hi,
It might help to find out how she feels about you. As she confides in you about her ex as well as her home life, she may just see you as a friend. Or she may like you but may believe that she would lose your friendship if you went out with her in which case it may make her more depressed. I think the best thing to do is find out what she wants and proceed from there. If you are a friend are you likely to abandon her if she doesnt like you in that way? If you would still be friends then there is nothing to lose.
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