A
male
age
36-40,
*oot
writes:I'm in the military and I've been to Iraq twice now and am being sent for the 3rd time.This has taken a great toll on my relationship with my girlfriend. I love her to bits and couldn't have imagined doing my time in Iraq without a picture of her somewhere with me... But the whole military thing is not going well with Lisa and she says she loves me to bits but she wants me to quit the military so our relationship can continue. I clearly said no as she doesnt understand why do i do military service.... Shes really upset and cries a lot over the phone, and she is unwilling to let me continue my military service if I want to continue the relationship.I cannot leave the military... Its the way of my life but i dont want to lose her either..
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male
reader, hoot +, writes (12 June 2007):
hoot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your kind words and suggestions.
Love was never a problem for both of us and I understand the fact that I may not come back one day and I can only imagine what she will go through when the news breaks to her.
It has been really difficult with us since my brother, also a US navy seal died in Iraq last year and she sees the same happening to me. I sometimes get the feeling that it is some kind of an emotional blackmail from her side rather than an ultimatum.
Leaving the military is impossible for me. I go back home and people ask me why do i do this whole military thing... they dont understand that its about protecting them and the men next to me..but i know that its hard for everybody to understand and Lisa is just the same. I know we both love each other and she wants something I cannot give and I dont want to see her devastated if i die out there but then I also love her so much and am unwilling to let go.... im only human. This has been really hard for me, coming to terms with this...
@ jtaunton5410: Thanks for your ideas.. I will try and be more positive and loving about the situation..
A
female
reader, Wise Bear +, writes (12 June 2007):
What a tough and heartbreaking situation. If you really love this girl and you want to work it out. Perhaps she isn't getting the support that she needs. I am a military wife myself. It is a hard life. But there are those out there who do it. She doesn't have to understand or love what you do. She just has to love you. Sounds like you need to get her some support. She needs to realize that although you are a HUGE part of her life you are not the ONLY part of her life. She needs to work on developing herself and her goals. Then your time apart won't seem so major. She'll be better able to appreciate you and what time you do get to spend together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): Do not leave the military for her. She should love you enough to stick it out. What you're doing is honorable & she should honor it & your decision. I think she is too young to fully comprehend or deal with this situation. But don't leave the military for her.
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A
male
reader, VyRuZ  +, writes (12 June 2007):
I will just second atomickeg
Career over girl. The reason's simple. You're young, this is the time to build your professional life. Girls, you can find hundreds.
The reason why you can't make a decision here is because you probably don't consider yourself good with women. You like her, true, but there's a world full of women. If she can't wait for you and goes psycho on the phone ( which is acceptable, i'd say ), she's not worthy of you!
Hope this helps :)
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A
reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (12 June 2007):
 You know what you want and so does she. If neither one budges then there will be no progress in terms of the relationship. The solution to this is easy, an either or scenario, but difficult to make. Only you can make the decision on whether to stay or leave. But whatever it is, make sure you realise that it is the right one, because in all fairness, you gain something whatever choice you make. Try looking at it this way, if you both part ways, you'd have invested on your career, if you left the military, then you'd have invested in your relationship. You win either way. But because she is giving you the ultimatum, you would have to pick an either or. Obviously the best way out of this is to talk your way through it and hope she sticks with you through thick and thin, but if she continues to be adamant with her choice, then be pleased that you respected her decision and move on with your life.
It wouldnt be fair for her to make you choose your career over her, but it wouldnt be fair to her that you and her spend a lot of time apart and that she always has to worry about your safety. Noone is wrong here, just understand that when you love each other, it doesnt necessarily mean that you have to be together. Sometimes going your own way is a better way out for the both of you. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): Lisa has given you an ultimatum. It doesn't have to be that way as many military couples succeed and cope successfully, with little or no backlash. It's not an easy life-I know. Similarily, I am a policeman's daughter and just about lost my father to a shotgun blast to his chest while he was trying to settle a dispute, years ago. Luckily he survived but my Mother worried herself sick, for years after that. She knew every day he stepped out that door, he was dealing with a war zone, right here under our noses. In the same sense, you are doing the same thing. You have a dangerous career. Military wives and gf's take on a huge, responsibility and it takes a ballsy , strong woman to make the sacrifices that come with being the loved one of a military man. She has to send my man off with lots of love, smiles and reassurances to him, letting him know she will be okay and that she can handle the affairs at home. She must always remember that he is gone not because he wants to be away from her, but because he is an amazingly, brave man who is dedicating his life to serving his country. Lisa likely met you while you were in the military or you were planning a career in the military. She needs to understand the meaning of honor and sacrifice. It's a hard concept for many women to comprehend, sitting at home worried sick about their guy, putting his life on the line.
Do not give up your career..if you love it. If you don't want to lose her, then I suggest you look into 'support' groups that many military bases have for partners and wives of men being deployed. She needs to talk to and find encouragement and the support from other women who have 'been there and done that'. If that doesn't work, then I am going to suggest something that you will not like. It might mean that Lisa is not strong enough nor mature enough yet, to possess have understanding and level of perseverence to make it, as the love partner of a military man. It takes a very different type of woman to love a man, knowing he is going into war and may not come back. Talk to her. Explain what the military means to you. Ask her to share in your vision. Lisa has to accept your life as is, or you have to let her go. Her lack of understanding may mean simply: you two are not compatible and do not share the same goals or values. One can't blame her-really. Your career puts you at a elevated high risk and the stress is something Lisa is having a hard time with. I am sorry..but it's better you realize this now..than 10 years down the road when Lisa and you are married with kids. Basically in a nutshell, the military life is not for a lot of people and she may be one of them. Good luck, hun and please be careful.
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A
female
reader, jtaunton5410 +, writes (12 June 2007):
 wow, this stuff sounds a little familar to me. I was with a man who was my high school sweetheart for four years. when we were together for 2 1/2 years he decided to loin the Marines. I was so depressed during the time that I couldnt see him. I would cry on the phone with him almost everytime we talked. He ended up going to Iraq as well. But there was one thing that he would do when he was away that would bring a smile to my face and help me to deal with the situationa little better. when we would talk on the phone he would......reasure me. I know that sounds wierd but when you speak to her on the phone you need to call her little pet names like sweetie or honey and tell her how much you love her, explain to her that there is nothing in this world that will tear you two apart because you wont let that happen. Try to make her feel as important as you can and most of all tell her that you love her more than words could describe. I always told him that he would have to choose the military or me....well he was already in the military but he would write me letters and we would talk on the phone and when we would talk he would do all the things that I just mentioned to meake me feel better. Try it, girls love romace and to be told how wonderful they are, they also love to hear how much their man adores them. Dont worry just keep living your life and tell her that you dont want to live it without her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): Firstly can I say what a fantastic brave job your doing!!! I believe you should to realise your self worth,your girlfriend has loved and supported you previously,there is no reason Im assuming she will not continue to do so.Im also going to assume when she met you ,you were in the military and she had a idea of your life.You ultimately have to be true to you ,warm Regards
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): I feel that your relationship can not continue. For a relationship to work well, both people need to be committed and understanding to each other. If you leave the military then you will always have a resentment with in you against Lisa. You don't need a partner who is moaning at you, you have enough to contend with. You need a partner who will understand and support you in your work.
Aunty Sarah
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A
male
reader, coprolite +, writes (12 June 2007):
 Your situation is really unfortunate. Military life has put stresses on so many relationships.
Your deployments have apparently been very difficult for her. She has no control over your safety, and that powerlessness can be deeply emotionally frustrating. Knowing that you are getting sent out again seems to be too much for her. You shouldn't put her through that again.
You are following your own goals by continuing to serve. You've made your decision to stay, and I doubt you'd be able to convince her to not worry about you. You are being true to yourself, and the roads you and your girlfriend are travelling have diverged.
If you love her and want her to prosper, but also cannot quit the military, let her go. Spare her the pain, and live your commitment. And keep your head down!
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