A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Hi all,When me and my girlfriend of 4 months were together, I would often leave a long sleeved hooded top at hers. Eventually it got to the point where I would never take it with me. When we split up back in February due to the fact that I'm leaving town later this month she asked me if I wanted it back. Still having a lot of feelings for her at that time (and probably hoping that if she held on to it she would be holding on to a part of me) I said that she should hang on to it and give it back to me at a time when we can establish a friendship. I said this having accepted that I wasn't able to be friends with her at this point in time (that hasn't changed yet).I'm leaving town in about a week and a half, and me and her are scheduled to meet up one last time next Monday. I booked tickets to a show for us both back in November and because we ended on good terms it seems only right to pay tribute to our relationship by honouring that planned night (I have broken other plans off since the break up). Do you think when we meet up I should ask for my hooded top back? She's seeing somebody else now, so to me the sentimental value of having it has surely dwindled for her. I don't want her to hang on to it if it's just going to be something crumpled up on the floor of her wardrobe. On top of that, there's every chance I won't ever get it back. Who's to say we will ever establish a friendship once I move away?What should I do? I know that ultimately it's my decision but I'm just curious to know what other people think. Is there any point in her having it anymore? Is it likely that owning it means anything to her now? Or should I hold out for the small chance that I will get it back some day when we can be friends? Please give an opinion and any advice you can give, it would be of great help. Thanks!
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (18 May 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much K_C, that's wonderful to know. I don't know why I worry about it as much as I do. Many people have said more or less the same thing you did, but now and again it becomes difficult to accept that circumstances are to blame and I try to blame myself. I really hope that something will materialize once I leave university. I feel like everybody except me has had a normal, long term relationship and I hate feeling like I'm missing out. Time will tell though, timing is everything! Thanks so much for the advice!
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 May 2011):
 It doesnt sound like you are doing anything wrong at all, dont worry!
I think all it is is that you would really like a relationship, you simply want to meet a nice girl and enjoy all the things that come with relationships. Some guys your age are scared of committment and would run a mile at the idea of settling down with a girl - these are the typical bachelors that stay that way for many years. Whereas there is the other group of guys your age, who actually would quite like to meet someone and settle down - not neccessarily get married any time soon but just have a serious, committed, stable relationship with a nice girl. It just sounds like you are in the second camp and are looking to get serious with someone, but because of circumstances you are not quite getting there.
While you are still at Uni it is almost impossible to form a stable relationship that is going to last, especially in your final year when so much is up in the air. You wont know what job you will get at the end, where you will end up living......so much can change that trying to maintain a relationship at this time is incredibly difficult.
I really do think that in your case, it is purely circumstances that have meant you have not settled down with a long term girlfriend, and this is perfectly normal! I am 24 and live with my boyfriend, but I only met him once I left uni, got a good job in a different city away from home and chose to settle in this area. I think once you get stability in your own life, you will find it far easier to find a stable relationship.
All the guys I dated in Uni and just before uni (between the ages of 17 and 21/22) were lovely but they just didnt work out because of timing - timing can be incredibly important in relationships and often you can meet the most wonderful person but if it is not the right time, it will not work out. One guy I dated in my second year of uni was fantastic and we were really happy, but we were growing and changing so much as people that we just grew apart and couldnt make it work, especially when we left uni to go back to our respective homes for the summer.
So try not to worry, what you are experiencing at the moment is very typical whilst at Uni and there is nothing wrong with you. Once you have finished Uni and got yourself a good job somewhere, finding a great girl to have a long term relationship with will be far easier.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (16 May 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the continued advice folks, it looks as though I was right in thinking that the hoodie won't be of much value. I'm sure she will be more than happy forme to have it back.
K_C, thanks for your input. Here's some background, I will try and keep the rambling to a minimum.
To sum up, I've had 3 significant relationships in my life that have all ended with circumstances playing a part. The first was a long distance relationship when I was 16, my first love. We met on the internet and met up a dozen times over the space of two years (each meeting consisted of 2 or 3 weeks together). That ended because she was going to university and knew that our relationship wouldn't work from then on. She was right of course, but at the time I was crushed. It took me ages to get over her. I some short term relationships in between, but nothing compared to her.
Two years later I met my 2nd significant partner in our 2nd year of university. We enjoyed our time together for the most part, but deep down we knew we weren't a perfect match. The relationship ended after 9 months at the end of our 2nd year due to the fact that I had to change universities in order to complete my degree and she had to attend a placement year in the United States.
Finally there was my recent ex. She seemed really right for me. She was this happy, bouncy, beautiful girl who brought me a lot of joy and happiness and I seemed to do the same in return. But alas, because this is my final year of university she said she didn't want to commit to a long distance relationship and didn't want me to adjust my life (i.e move to the town, get a job, etc) just for the sake of our relationship.
Well there you have it. If there's any more info I can provide, don't hesitate to ask. Bottom line, I really enjoy having relationships and having a partner to make happy. I can handle single life and I'm happy enough with myself as a person. After this break up I have become more confident, have worked harder on my appearance and it's really paying off. But I would love to just ONCE have a long term relationship uninterrupted by circumstances. I expect I will once I move back home and settle there for a while, I'm at least hopeful. I just wish I knew whether this was bad luck or whether there is something I'm doing wrong.
Thanks for reading
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Ask for it back. In a way, it would bring closure for you too...you've moving to a new place, start anew. Leaving the top with her means you still had that glimmer of hope that it *might* work out again. But seeing that she's moved on already, that doesn't seem to be happening. Ask for it back and move on. All the best to you...
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (16 May 2011):
Ask for it back. If you're hoping that it will hold sentimental value for her, chances are it won't, especially as more time passes and she is involved with other people. Stuff like that generally only hold sentimental value when you are together (like she might like wearing your clothes when you were her bf). After time passes, she might only vaguely recall that it belonged to you.
For example, I have stuff that my exes gave me, like a necklace. While I still know that it was from him, it doesn't really hold sentimental value anymore. If I wear it, it's not because I want to remember him (I am in a new happy relationship now for quite a long time), it's because it's a nice necklace. Since what you left is a man's hoodie, if she's not into keeping too much stuff, she might even get rid of it at some point or give it to someone else. The best case scenario is that she MAY keep it in a box of sentimental past relationship stuff, which she may keep forever, but from my experience, these kind of things just end up thrown away at some point.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 May 2011):
Well in that case I think you should just get the top back and that will be that over and done with. If she has a new man in her life chances are it wont mean much to her anymore, I think it sounds more like you are hoping it means something rather than the reality which is she has moved on and this top will probably be stuffed in a drawer somewhere.
As for why your ex's have such an affect on you - it is hard to say with the information I have so far. But maybe if you could give a bit more info on your last few relationships, why they ended, how you feel about each one...etc then I could help some more? Do you have mostly short term relationships, moving quite quickly between girlfriends? Or have you had long periods of being single? Have you had any serious relationships that have lasted more than 18 months?
I am happy to try and help if you can give some more background info!
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (16 May 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, Realist.
K_C, I want it back purely because it's mine, it's a nice top and it'd be a shame to see it go to waste in her possession. I don't mind her having it if it has some sort of value to her, but otherwise I think I should have it back. I made it clear that I understand that friendship is not an option at this time because I have not fully moved on. Please don't think I am desperate to stay in contact with her, I fully understand this. I've kept my distance very well over these past few months and any time contact has been established in these past few months is because SHE contacted ME. My concern is that I do find myself thinking about her quite often. More often than I'd like. I know that with time that will get easier, but you're absolutely right. It was only 4 months and we've been broken up for nearly 3 months now! I wish I knew why my ex's have this affect on me, even short-term girlfriends. It's something I'm keen to change in the future, how can I do that? Why do you think I get so attached? Thank you for the reply and any more you can add would be appreciated
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 May 2011):
To be honest this seems like a bit of a fuss over nothing. Do you actually want the hooded top back? If you want it back - then ask for it. If you dont really care about it, then just leave it.
As for being friends with her - you still have feelings for her so you will never be able to be friends, you are only setting yourself up to get hurt. Dont attempt a friendship with her, just leave it as it is. The more you contact her, spend time with her etc the more your feelings will develop. You want your feelings to fade, not intensify, especially when she has moved on to someone new - so dont put yourself in a position where you are only going to end up wanting her more. Stay away and limit your contact - that is the only way you will move on.
You were only together 4 months so it was never very serious, she has moved on now and is with someone new so I dont see why you are still thinking about this so much? She is not interested in you, it was a very short relationship - just move on! Top or no top, there is no chance of you getting her back, you cant be friends because of your feelings, you are leaving town (you dont say for how long)....there is nothing left in this relationship so time to stop worrying about it, accept it was a short relationship that didnt work out and move on. I'm sure wherever it is that you are going will have lots of girls that you can date and you will realise you have been wasting your time thinking about nothing!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Well, one it really helps that you ended on good terms. I would ask her politely if she would have any sentimental value for the article of clothing and if not ask if you could have it back. She shouldn't take this the wrong way at all and be very understanding.
She may want to keep it to remember what you had together. It's like pictures I have with my ex's. It's not that I'm not over them but it was still a part of my life that I would like to remember. She may give it back to you years down the road but chances are that wouldn't happen. It would either be forgotten or throwen out if you two drift apart.
I can see that you still care about her and I would give her the option of what she wanted to do with it. If she keeps it then she keeps it and you will probably never know why or see it again or she gives it back and you can do what you want with it.
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