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female
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*axwardle86
writes:I've been married 5 years and got together when I was only 16, I love my husband even though we've had our bad times but I feel I've missed out on other parts of my life. I know I'm being selfish but I can't shake this feeling that there's more to the world than he has to offer me. On the one hand I have a marriage that may be rocky but solid and he supports me in what I need but I never got the chance to be wined and dined and taken out. Please help me. Yours sincerely Jax xxxx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Beckto  +, writes (9 July 2007):
 Now that you've clarified your situation a little more, it's obvious that it is WAY WAY WAY too complicated for some random (but kind-hearted, well-meaning) people to give you advice for.
If he really is beating you, then that HAS TO STOP. If he won't stop, then you have to make it stop by leaving with your children. No choice in the matter -- you must leave if this is the case.
If he isn't really beating you, then the two of you need to get into marriage counseling NOW. Make that your #1 priority. If he isn't willing to go with you, then you go alone. But, nothing will change until you start the process of change. GO TO A COUNSELOR.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 I took a cue from Danielpew and read your link as well. First of all, if you do still love your husband have you considered (or would he consider) marriage counseling? Abusive behavior should never be tolerated and must be stopped. If he's not willing to make the effot to seek help in order to save your marriage then you may have no choice but to file for divorce. If he is hitting you or your children, that is not a healthy environment for anyone to live in. Please put your safety and the safety of your kids first. Secondly, when you've talked to him about wanting more romance, what does he say? You two have had alot of hardships and alot of responsibility heaped on you but if he's willing change and you can both sit down with a counselor, there is hope that you can have a happy life together. As for this other man, I know it's tempting to jump ship but I wouldn't do that until you've exhausted all other avenues (counseling etc.) Also financial counseling may help assit you with your debt and give you solutions to better manage your money. Please get help first, and if all else fails, file for divorce and purse this new man.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 I followed the link you posted and from it I see the situation is very different from what you describe here. I would say that the advice we have given, so far, is no good, because we didn't have the chance to look at the whole picture.
I see you had an abortion on a baby, and you say you lost other two. I also see you have a teenage sister to look after, and you're having financial problems. And then he's beating you. To me, this suggests problems in the relationship which go very deep and would not be solved with a mere conversation. It would take a long time to get over them, if you ever do.
And then I see you don't feel he loves you. Then this nice man comes into the picture and you wish you could know what he feels.
The information you give us is like the symptoms of the disease, but not the disease itself.
However, we're here to help. I think you should take one thing at a time. First, deal with the problems in the marriage. Maybe you have a clear picture of them by now. Then, deal with this fine new guy.
You see you had a lot of support from many agony aunts. You could continue to rely on us if you need more help. I do believe you need it, and badly. But we need more information.
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Hi,
I would just like to say i don't think you are being selfish at all, but at the same time not all people are into romancing they just happen to show their love in other ways.
Which your husband obviously does like you say giving up work so that you can go back to work, that is a very big thing to do.
When you have an arguement and he walks out and does not call or come back untill you have phoned him, do you think he might be doing this because he is leaving you to calm down and waiting for you to say it's ok to come back.
It might sound boring but maybe he is just being careful, like you say with two children theres alot of financial pressure and you don't need huge debts to add to that.
Sometimes not doing stuff like going out and going on romantic holidays and things when you are younger is not a bad thing, you had your children young and that means you will still be young when they have grown up.
You should be financially better off then and you will be able to do so much more.
I think when we have children and get married young we all feel like this at some point, but you don't realise how good it actually is to have what we have untill you have lost some of it.
Sorry if this does not make much sence.
Take care.xx.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): you are not being selfish at all, these days we have to look out for ourselves as well as others and giving a bit of thought to you and how u feel is good. if you love him that much still then i think all it will take is a bit of cooperation to make things good again. and can i recommend the book men are from mars women are from venus? i find it really helps us to understand the opposite sex and why we clash with them sometimes. i thought it would be a load of b.s but its really really useful. i think it might help u.
xx
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female
reader, jaxwardle86 +, writes (6 July 2007):
jaxwardle86 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Firstly I'd like to thank everyone for there advice and give a bit more information on the situation I got pregnant about 2 months into our relationship we now have 2 children and I lost 3 last year which is why my marriage has been so up and down lately please don't hesitate to look at my last question which may explain a few more of the problems I've been having heres the link http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-is-being-violent-to-me-and-beating.htmlI have always asked him to take me out be more romantic etc but he never has been. Having 2 kids does put some financial pressure on us but if theres ever a romantic gesture it always comes from me. The last time he booked a night and took me out was when we got engaged and that was 4 and a half years ago. I'm 21 btw and we got together when I was 16 so been together 5 years and been married 3 years This week for which we have nothing planned. Last year I booked us a romantic holiday in London hoping that this year he would take the hint and do something nice for us. Even after we argue he walks out and then waits for me to call him rather than making the phone call himself or coming back home. If I try to go out with friends he says he doesn't want to come then at last minute moans that I'm going out without him but despite the bad points he's always brilliant with the kids and has recently given up his job so I can go out and work instead so I can feel that bit more independent. He always tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful and I'm so in love with him it hurts but I know this gap in my life is finally starting to push me further and further away from him. I've told him so many times that I want things to change but they never do. Am i being selfish? thanks Jax xxxxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): you are right, you are being kinda selfish thinking this. but who isnt a little bit selfish every once in a while, right? well its ok for you to have your thoughts and feelings but have you ever considered the fact that your husband might feel like has been missing out a little too on some of the single guy life style? you never know. and you two are married and love each other, and have 5 years i would hope that you two are well beyond comfortable talking to each other about anything and everything so i suggest that you just tell him. be honest about your feelings and be open. you never know what he might have to say too. you could be surprised. tell him you might enjoy dinner out once a month with him or maybe you should make the first move and take him out for a special night and he might really appreciate/enjoy that and realize he wants to treat you to a special night too. i just cannot stress enough about communication!!!! just talk!good luck
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female
reader, sunrise +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Hi, The grass isn't always greener on the other side! You say you love your husband but feel you've missed out on so much, how does he feel? have you any children? have you told him how you feel? i know, sorry lots of questions but until i actually know a bit more it's hard to advice, but i'll try anyway.
The things you feel you've missed out on, couldn't you do them with your husband? you may just be going through a bored phase, seeing your friends single, havin fun, flirting and attracting attention, all that doesn't have to stop just cos your married, that's what trust is all about. Go out and have some harmless fun on a girls night out and then go home to your security and married life with a smile on your face.
Life is what you make it so dont be hasty in making decisions that could hurt a lot of people. If your husband loves you he'll want you to be happy so talk to him and try to sort things out, dont throw it all away without trying to resolve things. lots of luck x
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female
reader, Ask_HanBan +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Why dont you spice up your life, take a long weekend off and go somewhere nice, do something your nice together. try knew things, do crazy outragous thingsgd lk :)maybe have a dirty weekend
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female
reader, sunrise +, writes (6 July 2007):
Hi, T
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female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (6 July 2007):
What I think you're battling is the fact that you married very young. You went from being somebody's daughter, to being somebody's wife without ever having any time in between to figure out who you are and what you wanted in life. I did the same thing. (Married at 19). But you say the marriage is fairly good and stable so perhaps you and your husband should start planning exotic vacations and travel places together. There is alot out there for you to see. Also, you may want to consider starting a family at some point. Many young women who are feeling this restless are really yearning for kids. It fills a void like nothing else can and I wish I would've done this when I had the chance. As for the wining and dining why not plan a candlelight dinner complete with wine and flowers and tell your husband it's time for a little more romance. I'm sure he'll take your cue. Also be sure you develop your own hobbies and interests and feel like you have your own identity. It's easy to feel suffocated when you stop feeling like an individual. I hope this helps you out.
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female
reader, bemused  +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Hi hun
I am thinking you are in your early to mid twenties and you did hook up your husband when you were sixteen which is a time when a lot of people are dating and trying out different relationships. Some of these unions seem to be fine and there are others that are shaky down the line for just the reasons you state in your post. You do not mention if you have children which puts another face on this.You also mention that you never get the chance to be wined and dined. Is this because your husband is not interested in doing this, finances or because you have not made your feelings clear to him? If it is a lack of communication try being a bit playful and see if he responds. If this is not his thing than the situation could be more serious because you will miss it more if it is not forthcoming. You need to balance that with what he does offer you which is kindness and support. He sounds like a good man and if you were single again you might realize what you had lost. I like what some of the posters say here about getting out with friends, taking courses and just having fun...with or without him. He sounds like a keeper but I also think you need to be with someone who is good for you and with someone who allows you to grow. These seem to be the best relatioships. Good luck hun. Keep us updated.
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female
reader, Beckto +, writes (6 July 2007):
It may be true that you have not experienced many things that a typical person who waits to get married has experienced. Dating, breakups, blind dates, going on a date with someone who you are not interested in and waiting for the date to end, etc.But, you've also had some life experiences that are special in their own way. So, if you feel that because you married early you're missing out,... you are but you aren't. :) Explore that feeling and write down what it is you feel you're missing out on. Is it dating other men? Or is it more that you want to live in a different place, travel, etc? Look at your list, and if there are things that you can do that don't involve breaking up a marriage, then try to do them. But, above all else, talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Preface your talk, if you want, by saying how much you love him, etc. Then let him know that you are committed to making your marriage stronger (if you are) and growing together. Then, tell him how you feel, and see if he can help out. Maybe there are some suggestions he will have. Maybe he feels the same way! You never know.Good luck. I understand what you're feeling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): Why don't you spice things up a little? Just because you got with him when you were young doesn't mean u can't have new experiences, just have them with him! Maybe go on holiday to a totally different place or go to see a play or go to a posh meal somewhere. Or you could even take up a class or something by yourself if you feel like you personally are missing out. Why don't you talk to your husband and tell him you want to make sure you don't miss out on experiences, by involving him it won't feel like you are leaving him behind.
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female
reader, Agony Aunt Saskia +, writes (6 July 2007):
I'm not to sure what to write as i don't know what you feel you have missed out on, being young free and single? flings?, nights out with friends?. You have a husband who you love very much, some people crave what you have so much that they settle for losers, you and your husband should try experimenting with what you think you have missed out on, I'm not suggesting you go off and have affairs and one night stands, I mean going out and letting your hair down and generally enjoy your husbands presence outside the daily routines life gets us stuck into!. You could become involved in activitites together such as a salsa dancing class. If my answer is wrong and you feel unhappy within your marriage, the only person who can decide whats best is you.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (6 July 2007):
I understand your feelings. You are very young and it's only natural that you want to see the world. However, you are now a married person. I think you should think things very carefully. Perhaps you can work something out with your husband.
I have the feeling that this is an expression of a deeper problem. Think about it. And we're here if you need help.
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