A
female
age
41-50,
*odi
writes:I have been with my other for 5 years. We now have a kid together. I have left my boyfriend on 3 different occasions in the past years. We are being civil now since the last break in March - how do I know if I really love him or if it is just a convenient way for me to have a house and live closer to my job. We have decided to go to a counseling appointment in 2 weeks.. but I am 6 years older than him and not 100% sure if after all we've been through that I really want this. I feel that I am too old to be dating and not to mention I have 3 boys and a lot of baggage.. ya know? So how do I clear my mind and figure out what's best? Do I do it for the kids to have a father in their life? Do I do it for someone to hold at night? Do I do it for simplicity? please help me.. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): in my opinion if you "really" love someone, you dont need to ask, you just feel it and know it. but only you can determine what your heart feels and what is best for you and best for your family. but first and foremost is YOU!like i said if it were true love why would you be questioning it. but at the same time things happen in life that do make us question even the things we think are 100% solid and never will change. so i suggest to you, take time for yourself and think it over. no one says love is easy and we all know that life certainly isnt a cake walk, but do what is best for you and what makes you the most happy. good luck and take care
A
female
reader, sunrise  +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Hi, Dont do anything for anyone but yourself,if you're happy then your boys will be happy.
You obviously have doubts about the relationship or you wouldn't be looking for advice. It's clear that you love him but the question is are you in love with him. The age thing isn't the problem, age is just a number for people in love.
I feel that you are used to being with your b/f, it's comfortable and so daren't leave.
The reason you are going through this rocky patch is because you are feeling the way you are, not knowing which way to turn, you are probably snappy and irritated with almost everything he does. You really need to talk to each other and a counsellor could be just what you need.
I sincerely hope you can sort things out, think about it, can you imagine yourself without him, could you bear to think of him with someone else? Good luck with everything x
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Go to the counseling appointment. It will help you sort out what's best for you and your kids. They never tell you what to do of course, but in talking with someone who can be objective and non-partial, you will usually find the answer on your own. And one thing you need to determine is if you still love him or not. It may take awhile, but start the sessions, meet with the counselor alone (not as a couple) because you have much to sort through first, then the answers will become evident. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (6 July 2007):
 If you really DO love him then you'll want to be with him, the kids will see how happy you are together so there should be no problem. Don't do it just for the kids alone though. If you don't love him and get with him for security for the kids then you'll only end up resenting him. Here is how you can tell if you really love him...
If you truly love someone then you respect them for who they are, warts and all. You want to look after them and protect them, you look out for them and put them first. You feel happy and content in their company and enjoy being together. Above all you can be yourself when you're with them. You never try to be anything more or someone different because you don't need to. You don't have to impress them to win them over and you never have to play games to make them like you. There is trust and understanding on both sides and you feel safe and secure within yourself. You would never undermine them, they are not someone in whose company you feel threatened or small. They are someone with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and worries, a person with whom you should be able to share anything, they are your friend and your confidante and you can be honest with them at all times, you can tell them anything because they love you as you are.
He/she may be someone who is the direct opposite of you. On the surface you may seem like chalk and cheese. Whilst you may be loud and forceful they may be quiet and thoughtful. You may come from different backgrounds, different countries or be twenty years apart but this doesn't matter. There is an unspoken language between you, the spiritual connection between you both is so deep that you seem to be able to communicate without even speaking to each other. You are happy to lie in silence together. You feel sometimes that there is no need to talk because you feel that you know what they are thinking anyway. You feel so close to them that sometimes you think you could almost read their mind. You know when they are worried, in pain, or sad just by looking at them. It is as though there exists some kind of telepathy between you.
Real love stands the test of time, you laugh together, cry together and even have your differences but this doesn't matter, you love that person AND their failings. You come together in a crisis and work through things together and this just brings you closer. You take their feelings into consideration in all that you do. They are the most important person in your life!
Is THIS how you feel when you're together? If so GO FOR IT!
Eve
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 July 2007):
 I'm afraid only you can tell why you do this.
I think your son could find it beneficial to have his father living close by. But, it would be more beneficial if his/her parents had a clear relationship between them.
Madam, you're not too old to be dating. Are you ever too old for love?
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