A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have loved this girl for 2 years now an i know for sure she feels the same for me as she told me last year how she has feelings for me. I very stupidly said i liked her but wasn't interested in a relationship along with other excuses why i couldn't be with her. She came to my house last week and as we said bye we hugged then she tried kissing me twice and twice i pushed her away. I am a deeply insecure guy and have been badly hurt by important people to me. I know i have hurt her feelings over the past 2 years and am sure she now thinks i don't care fo her which isn't the case at all. I find it very hard to commit and show emotion which is why i havn't made a move.Every time i screw up and i hate myself for it. Is this a normal thing that will sort itself out with time and taking things slow with her or do i have serios problems that will stop me from ever having a happy relationship?
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (19 August 2007):
These problems just wont go away and 'sort themselves out'. You need some help and you can get that from talking toa counsellor. I dont think anyone on here can really say anything that will solve your problemso n here beause there are some VERY deep issues you have that need to be talked about in depth with someone who is a trained professioanl.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): I think you need to tell her exactly what's going through your mind. She had the courage to tell you how she felt last year, you owe her some honesty back.
I think she likes you and senses that you like her too but you've rejected her too many times, and if you don't act soon you'll lose your chances with her for good.
Every one has issues and as long as you acknowledge them and try to work on them you'll be fine. You're still very young and I'm sure that you'll gain more confidence in yourself in time. Just don't be afraid to be happy.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 August 2007):
 It sounds like you are testing her because you have been through a lot in your life. It's much easier to push people away and challenge their loyalty before you throw your heart our there, than it is to take that leap of faith. If you are screwing things up, hating yourself is not the result, you should be feeling guilty. Guilt can be a constructive emotion only if you let it push you to do the right thing. You need to get over the past and realize that she is not the person that has hurt, abandoned or betrayed you. She is the person asking you to like her, putting herself on the line because she happens tho think that you are worth it. You should know by all the other people that have hurt you, caring about someone else means putting them and their feelings before your own. You have said that you love her! Don't you think she's proven that she is worth the chance? Take that leap of faith and get back in the game of life - You're not living it properly if you are keeping your heart on a shelf. Good Luck and let us all know how you are doing!
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A
female
reader, so sick  +, writes (18 August 2007):
If you like or care about her...what the hell!? You need to let yourself go...especially if she likes you! Why would you not try and open yourself up...I think if you want to...allow yourself to go further with her...and maybe this might help you realize how much fun it really is. If you have any insecurities about your body...my best advice is...IF SHE LIKES YOU...she will not see any of your insecurities as a problem...only you do! Let yourself have some fun...relax and allow yourself to have some fun...and figure out how you really feel about her!!!
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (18 August 2007):
I've had the same problem. I've been burned in relationships many times, and yes it hurts and takes a while to trust someone again. But you have to remember that not everyone is like this. It may not sort itself out in time, you'll probably have to work hard on it. Give it a shot and if you find yourself pushing her away for no reason, then take a step back and try to regain your senses so you can think it out logically and not make the mistake of doing something you regret. If it is bad enough, there is no shame in getting therapy. It's better to do that and get help than it is to suffer and feel lonely.
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A
female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (18 August 2007):
 well i think first before you even try a relationship you need to sort out your problems why you have commitment issues, why you let someone you like get a way.
in many girls eyes hun, you are playing games, that may not be the case but thats what it can seem like, by careful.
sort things out that stops you commited to girls than try and talk to the girl you have hurt, (one thing never say that you have changed, you can't change).
even if she says no try and be friends, and learn from your mistakes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): kissing her wouldnt have committed you to anything,i know you`ve been hurt in the past but dont let your past destroy your future
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): Yes dear you have serious problems. I just broke up with my fiancee of two years because he had emotional traumas just like the ones you have just described. Thanks for posting them since now I know that my suspicions about him were correct. He just can't show emotion because he has been badly hurt by his parents all his life.
Sweetie, I don't think this will ever go away if you don't work with it on therapy. You came from a dysfunctional family and soon you will be creating your own little dysfunctional family yourself, with emotionally disturbed kids because of your distortionated affection towards them. It's a vicious circle you have to get away from. You are 18 or more already and you just can't let this problems get worse. My ex is 30 and trust me age and patience won't make this go away.
I think it's unfair to your lady friend the fact that you have kept her waiting for two long years. Perhaps you should tell her about the things that are bothering you. She should know that is not her problem but yours. AND ASK her for forgiveness.
I think you should not engage in a relationship if you have not worked your emotional disturbances first. You will be tempted to ignore this but if you do it will only get worse.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): True intimacy is about having the courage to show yourself and your insecurities as they are to the person that you love and knowing that they will love you for who you are.
If they do not accept these parts of you and help you to grow, then your love for each other will not stand the test of time and is not real. Try and open up to her, tell her the truth how you feel about her and what it is that is making you act the way you do. Tell her about past hurts and your fears and ask her to help you deal with these things. As time goes by confide in her when the fears arise and ask for her support.
If she loves you she would be very hurt by you pushing her away, but might now for the first time understand why you act the way you do and support you. I doubt that you will lose her by being honest, but you will most certainly lose her by pushing her away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): Don't let your past predict your future! This is a prime chance to be with someone who you have really deep feelings for. Take things slowly and first by opening up a little...and then go from there, don't wait for time to work things out- grab this one by the horns and don't let go! Good Luck!
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