A
male
age
41-50,
*radley b
writes:This is a story about doing everything wrong....it is a story about two people and their partners. One of those people had a new marriage which is now at an end. The other was engaged and is now married.The story begins at the place where I work. It is not a small workplace but there are a number of different small departments who work closely with one another.Both I and female co-worker had been working together for a number of years. She had a boyfriend for most years I have known her, and I was in a relationship for the whole time that I had know her. I had become married and she had become engaged within a year before events which changed my life forever. I was in my mid-30s at the time of these events and the girl from the office in her mid-20s.This girl from the office and I had always got along amazingly well. But, I was married (and before that engaged) so I had not actually thought about anything happening between us, it just didn't enter into my mindset because we were both in relationships. Perhaps we had been having an emotional affair of sorts for some time though - we would talk to one another about almost everything and, without there being anything intentional, there was probably a lot of flirting - I'm somewhat oblivious to that sort of thing though a lot of the time.My life changed one night when we went out for a few drinks together. From my point of view there was nothing untoward about going out together, we just both got along so well and went out one night and, along with the various other things we talked about that night, we were talking about the fact that both of us were having problems in our relationships, and that we were both thinking about breaking up with partners.We didn't say on the night that our intentions to break up had anything to do with wanting to be with one another, but the way the discussions went that was I believe what we were both meaning.Nothing happened between us that night but shortly after - starting with text messages the next day - the relationship became a lot more open. Between us, we made no secret of the fact that we wanted to be with one another. It was her who instigated this. We didn't talk about being together long term. We talked about sleeping together and doing things together, we talked about breaking up with our partners, but we didn't actually talk about breaking up to be with one another. This all happened over a couple of days.Something just clicked in me after she first brought up us being together. The attraction that I suddenly felt was amazing, and I thought that she was the one that I needed to be with. She made me feel like I hadn't felt for anyone before.The timing was perfect (or terrible), I still do not know which. I had been thinking about breaking up with my wife as we were not working well together, and then this whole situation just pushed me to go ahead and do it. Within a matter of days after breaking up with my wife and at the first chance we got the girl from work and I kissed. She told me that she had been thinking about being with me for ages, but thought that I would do something about it. We also planned to then sleep together at the first chance we got. In my mind, it wasn't just for the sex - as I said above we had been having an emotional affair for ages but we had never been together before. We both knew each other very well. She then bailed on the sleeping together part of it a few days later, but the emotional relationship continued. The physical relationship did not. I did not know the reason for this for some time but later found out that it was because I no longer had "anything to lose" - that was the only reason apparently.This emotional relationship with the girl from work went on for about another year. I was basically like her work boyfriend "without benefits" and she had a fiancee at home. She tried hard to make her existing relationship work, and they ended up getting married fairly recently. She seems to like the safety in the relationship with her husband, but she doesn't seem happy. I am still good friends with her, but the flirting and emotional relationship now only happens when she relaxes - when shes herself with me we're great like we used to be, but she seems uncomfortable a lot more of the time.Its always in my mind going to be unfinished business - our feelings for one another came out in the open, I broke up my relationship, she freaked out and it never went any further.To complicate things further, I do still miss my wife after a couple of years now. I could get back together with her tomorrow if I made that choice. If I did not have the feelings that for some reason I cannot get rid of for the girl at work I don't know if I'd get back with my wife - I probably would. I miss many things, but cannot bring myself to rekindle the relationship when I know that the feelings that I have for the other girl are something that makes me feel so amazing.I do not by this mean that I think that I and the girl from work will be together, but I do not know that it would be fair to rekindle a relationship with my wife (no matter how happy that would make her, and no matter that I would get many things that I now do miss so much), when there are these underlying feelings for someone else. I don't want to break up her marriage and I don't think that we will be together now, but I just still can't get the girl from the office out of my head after all this time.So, in terms of the advice that would help, I think that I've got to make the decision myself as to what to do regarding my wife. But to allow me to make that decision, I've got to try to get the girl from work out of my head. To do this, I think that a couple of things would help.First, I think that it would help to have some idea of why people think that she would put the idea of being together in my head when she knew I was having problems with my wife at the time, and then after I've broken up and after kissing then a few days of still "planning" to be together, call everything quits. I know this might sound dumb to still be dwelling on this, but her answer that I no longer had anything to lose just doesn't cut it with me. Second, why would she keep treating me like her quasi boyfriend for so long afterwards.Third - and this is a more general question - how can I stop thinking about this girl who I work with every day and when it causes me so much grief. I still think her and I would have been absolutely great together - we get along infinitely better and have heaps more fun than I did with my wife and than she with her now husband. But although I still think we would have been absolutely great together I need to get over her and I need to move on - i'm just so tired of thinking about her and need to get her out of my head.Feel free to also have a go at me about the situation with my wife - I probably deserve some scathing comments. I think I still love my wife, and I would love to be able to say to her lets try again. I just can't do it though without getting rid of these feelings that I have for the girl at work.I may also get some scathing comments about the girl at work for whom I feel this way being married. The problem is I can't make the feelings go away - believe me I wish that I could!Any thoughts / comments would be greatly appreciated.
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affair, at work, broke up, co-worker, engaged, fiance, flirt, get back together, girl at work, her ex, I work with, kissing, move on, text, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MaryB  +, writes (10 January 2011):
First of all, it is human nature to want what you can't have. With that said, you are in love with a fantasy of what you think this girl is all about. The only thing you both have in common is that you both fed the voids in each others life in one way or another, plain & simple. The difference was in the way you both handled the situation. You thought she was the answer to your problems in your marriage & thus, the story in your mind became a fairy tale. You began to imagine that life with her would be nothing short of pure joy with absolutely no strife- very unrealistic thinking on your part. To her, all your attention fed into her low self-esteem & built her ego up but, in her mind that did not constitute true love for you. What a wonderful & exciting thought for her to think you would give up your marriage for her but, once you did reality hit. You were both playing with fire & now you have been burned. Instead of working on finding a way to disolve the problems in your marriage your selfishness & naiveness has led you to a dead end.
All fairy tales have an ending- get over the make believe & start using the brain God gave you. You need to get her out of your head & in order to do that you need to see her for what she really is. If you feel there is still hope in reconciling with your wife than you need to come clean with her. At this point, she may not be so forgiving once she hears what you have to say but, that is a chance you'll have to take. I'm sure the love your wife felt for you & maybe still does was REAL unlike, what your co-worker felt. Like she said to you once, you got nothing more to lose! Good luck!
A
male
reader, bradley b +, writes (6 January 2011):
bradley b is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will respond in some more detail to all of the various comments as soon as I get some time. At this stage I just wanted to say thank you all for all the helpful answers. The more answers the better, as they are all food for thought.Just to clarify a couple of issues that was mentioned by a few of you. The work girl doesn't keep whatever it is we have / had going for "benefits" in terms of buying her things and the like. We would buy each other lunch and things but she would always want it to be "even", and if I buy she would want to buy next time.And in response to one comment, the "nothing to lose" meant that because I had broken up (and she hadn't) we were no longer in the same position (i.e. we didn't both have partners that we could lose).What I should have done - too late now - is to ask these questions before I did what I did, instead of diving headfirst into a pool with no water in it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): I think you did the right thing of leaving your wife. You knew it wasn't working out and that you didn't want to be with her so it's better for both of you to not be together.
Also you're doing the right thing of not getting back with your wife now when you still have feelings for someone else. Many guys would have gone running back to their wives with their sorry tails tucked if the other woman turned out not to be available. Other men would have remained married, gone on to have a bunch of kids with the wife, and all the while carrying on an illicit affair sometimes for years.
At least you did the decent thing of leaving your wife and keeping it that way because you know you don't feel for her the way you want to feel about someone that you're in a relationship with. And because you know that as long as you have feelings for someone else it's dishonest to be married to anyone else.
the reason you still have this girl at work in your head is because you still have to see her and she is still leading you on, she hasn't cut off ties with you completely.
I don't get her explanation of you had 'nothing to lose.'
I don't believe it's necessarily true that her marrying some one else means she loves him or is happy with him.
many people get married for stupid or foolish reasons. Many people get married to someone due to pressure, obligation or guilt and even knowing full well going into the marriage that all is not right yet feel they "must" go through with it, because everyone is expecting them too they can't let other people down. That's how I went into my marriage. I regretted it ever since. And I'm not the only person I know who got married this way either. I have friends who married out of pressure - because they hadn't broken up yet, maybe they were also living together, and so it is now expected they get married even though they're already unhappy...And yes they are still unhappily married.
whenever people come on here telling stories about the person they love, who seemed to love them back yet married someone else and WHY? a lot of the responses try to oversimplify this as a sign that they love their spouse not you. That's not always the case. Many people get married for stupid reasons or due to pressure like me. They are weak, like I was. Not weak for love, but weak as in not having a backbone to stand up against the pressure and do what we know is the right thing to do (of not pledging your life to someone you don't really want to be with!!!)..
the fact that despite getting married she still carries on some emotional relationship with you - do you really think she's happy in her marriage??
I don't know how she feels about you, but I seriously doubt she's happy in her marriage just cos she chose to follow through on her marriage. Her pulling back from you ever since could just be because she feels guilty because she's married, but not indicative of her feelings for you. Who knows.
It could well be that she doesn't love either you or her husband. She could just be one very confused individual who really needs to sort her own head out.
Again, I'm just saying that don't assume that just because someone gets married to someone else means they were or are happy about it. Especially not if this marriage occurred while one of them was having strong feelings for someone else! Most likely the marriage continued out of obligation or fear of looking bad breaking the promise they made to their fiance. It could have been totally the wrong decision for them to get married. It could end in divorce years from now. Or the union might not end but be one of those miserable marriages that last forever turning both people bitter.
But the thing is, only she knows why she went ahead and married him. And even if unhappy, people have to come to their own decisions, in their own time, about what to do with their marriages. It's likely that even though she may not be happy in her marriage, if she couldn't put the brakes on before the wedding it's certainly going to be a lot harder to get out of the marriage now that she's in it.
All you can do, is ask her what her intentions are, maybe talk and talk and talk until you get answers that satisfy you one way or the other. don't let her give you vague answers and leave it at that if you're trying to move on.
Just keep talking to her - I don't mean try to get her to deepen the affair! I mean to get answers that you need so you can make decisions for yourself. Or maybe to encourage her to examine her own feelings if she hasn't really done it (who's to say she has if it's uncomfortable?)
so I would say keep talking with her - not flirting aimlessly, but talking honestly about true feelings and intentions and go from there and if you don't like what you hear then move on by getting another job so you can cut off all contact with her.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (5 January 2011):
 You played yourself hardcore. You broke up a marriage over chasing a woman who never even broke up with her boyfriend for you. She only wanted sex on the side, but you went full throttle and was like, "I'm yours!" Oh man. Hook, line and sinker.
There's no unfinished business on her end. She is married. She chose you over him, and honestly you were never going to be her primary love. That is what happens when you jump in full force without checking if the love is real. You were the one in the relationship that didn't work. She was just going through a bad patch. Plenty of people talk about leaving their relationship but until actions match words, you can't count on it.
So. First answer: she wanted some excitement on the side and thought you wanted the same thing.
Second answer: You are still giving her the attention she wants, with your sprung dumb self. Why would she give that up? That would be like passing up free money.
Third answer: You're still around each other. As long as you are constantly spending time together you will not forget her. The economy is picking up - time for you to find a new job. In the meantime minimize your time together as much as possible.
Fourth answer (free with purchase): Leave your ex-wife alone. She deserves someone who loves her and only her, and someone who respects marriage vows.
Third answer:
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I went down the same exact path as you, but I did 3 things differently: 1) I did not break it off with my wife first, 2) I DID sleep with the "woman from work", and 3) I told my wife everything. My outcome was disasterous...I killed a marriage that was failing, but could have been recovered, and now it's too late. However, I told the truth, which is about the only thing I did right.
My advice to you is this. Stop playing your wife like a cat toy. You need to face the consequences of your actions. Tell her what happened, and let HER make a choice that is based on reality. If you truly love her, you owe her honesty and need to accept her decision. Explain that you love her, and want to get this woman from work out of your head and life. If your wife chooses to go with you, rebuild, and love your wife like you promised. Love her in all the ways you didn't in the past. If she doesn't, rebuild and move on. You MUST move 100% in either direction and not wallow in the "mystery" of what is happening with this other girl.
You have a mutual crush on this woman at work. Trust me, it will not endure. Sieze the opportunity you have with your wife, and never look back. I missed my chance...don't you make the same mistake. You love your wife. She wants you back. Don't waste any more time on this girl from work. But you will HAVE to learn what love is either way.
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 I tend to agree with Mystiquek on your post you chose your bed now lay in it fools and the blind live in what if's after your own choices have brought you to where you are today.
Common sense should tell you work colleagues should only ever be left at that work colleagues and you may want to check your pants see if you still have a pair there while your at it you gave up a marriage for a possibly younger model and now your regretting it?
The marriage mustn't have meant much to you if you couldn't voice the problems to your wife instead you chose to chase a younger work colleague and it back fired in your face.
Moral of the story here learn the foolish lesson from your mistake and don't fck up again plain and simple, and definitely don't try getting back with the ex-wife you wasted her time and showed to her you didn't love her and the marriage was a joke by chasing a tart from work.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (5 January 2011):
again and agian in this forum i find allot of people suffering from their relations with people who has personality disorders like the b#tch you have at work
visit this site
www.psychforums.com
i think it well help you allot and i believe that the manupilative women at your work is just another measrable histrionic narccistic personality
cut all and any connection with this woman
and be aware that she might run after you like crazy
not because she wants any thing serious wiht you
but because she loves the attention you are giving her
histrionics are vampires who feed on others attention and mysery
and try to find new love somewhere else
we all do mistakes but we are wise when we learn from them
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 January 2011):
 My take on this situation is that the woman at work wanted what she didn't have, and once she had you, conquest completed, so no longer wanted you. Some people like the thrill, the chase, and once they catch it, they no longer want it. If she had really loved you, why did she marry someone else? You made a bad choice, and now you are paying for it. As the expression goes, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Please don't go back to your ex wife, you don't love her as you should, and that's not fair to her. The co-worker isn't going to give up her marriage for you, you need to get over her. Good luck. You hurt an innocent person, and in the end didn't even get what you wanted. Karma sucks, doesn't it?
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