A
female
age
41-50,
*haoscutiek
writes:My fiance wants me to go on a four drive this weekend to his brothers house. I don't really like staying at other peoples houses. It makes me feel uncomfortable and its not my stuff not my house and I allways feel like I have to ask to use the bathroom. Its dumb I know. But my fiance doesn't want to get a hotel to save money. I also would really have my place to myself for a change, weekend to myself, me free time. He really wants me to go and I don't, I feel obligated. I don't know how to tell him, I've tried many times last week but he gets all sad, his feelings get hurt easy and I just don't know how to tell him how I feel about our weekend trip. I just don't want to go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I think your fiance should pay for a hotel in the future if you feel so uncomfortable staying at their home.
If you visited 2 weeks ago, I don't think you're obligated to go again though. Just tell him you need some time to yourself.
A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Anonymous' comment on lieing to the fiance is wrong as well if you have to lie to your potential lifemate then you shouldn't be getting involved with this person period if socialising with family is such a issue. Im actually suprised theres so many anti-social people showing up ahh but I guess the anomnimity of the internet knows no bounds wonders :(
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A
male
reader, faenon +, writes (5 January 2011):
I can understand wanting personal space time if your living together and the other half doesnt go out very often to socialise with his friends etc unless its case of you had other plans for that weekend with someone else reason I say that for is unless your turning up back home at 3am the next morning from nightshift if its a 5 to midnight shift that isn't going to affect travel plans for a easy 4hr drive to visit family how often do you see your folks with the fiance?
Sounds like its problem with the brother since you say you don't have a problem with the family if thats the case it's better to be upfront about the real reason why you dont wish to visit to your fiance. If you aren't willing or able to compromise this far into a relationship then you want to seriously think about if marriage is for you for that is what marriage is give and take on both sides.
We all don't like doing certain things and without good reason we all still turn up to family do's unless it boils down to fights etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I am not keen on staying overnight in peoples especially family houses. I like my own things around me, also worry about the bathroom issue and really only like the anonymity of hotels. All I can say from experience is that it is a good idea to go even though you don't want to. I would not go ever and eventually this caused a rift between my husband and I and he eventually divorced me mainly because of this. I personally felt just too uncomfortable at anyone's home and would not even go for a cup of tea and it drove a huge wedge between us. If you can grin amd bare it do so as it will go down well otherwise as Caring Guy so wisely says it will come back to bite you as it did me in years to come. If you do go put a time limit on it in advance so you have agreed with your boyfriend upfront when you are going to leave and then aim towards that point. It doesn't matter if you lie and say you have to go to work or whatever excuse you use to your boyfriend just make sure you set a time to be gone as these things very often drift timewise and then it becomes even worse. Maker it believable so your boyfriend isn't hurt but you will find counting the time down easier that way if you really don't like doing these things.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 January 2011):
Ah, well if you did go two weeks ago, then you've already done your 'duty' so to speak. Because whilst you do need to see his family occasionally, you don't need to be a babysitter.
I'll change my mind! I think since you did go two weeks ago, you should again explain using simple words that you visited two weeks ago, and will visit again in the future, but for now would appreciate some time to do your own thing. If he gets in a huff, leave him to it.
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female
reader, chaoscutiek +, writes (5 January 2011):
chaoscutiek is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm still not sure if I want to go. I wasn't planning on it at all and I wasn't going to go to begin with because I work friday night. My fiance asked one of my friends to work for me friday so I could go. We just visited his brother two weeks ago if that helps? We stayed two nights there with the rest of the family.I don't have problems with his family, they treat me like I'm one of they're own. I really don't want to hurt anybodys feelings or cause problems. I'm still undecided.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Compromise. Go through the arrangements you have in the near future and talk about what events you will attend and which events you wont. Perhaps it's a little late to back out of this committment now, but talk to him about you wanting to have a weekend to yourself, and see if he doesn't mind going to his brothers another weekend this month as well, or other places. Or that you can go to something on your own etc. Just plan ahead! Last minute calls are hurtful and cause problems.
Let him know you have need for some space at times and would think it is wonderful to stay alone at home every now and then, and also that visiting other people's houses makes you uncomfortable. Let him know that you will visit his brother, or other people too, but not every time he wants you too.
I say this time around go, don't make more trouble out of it. But go through the plans you have and make sure you are upfront from the very beginning about what you want to attend. The reason I tell you you should go this time is that you haven't agreed on you staying at home, he expects you to go, hsi brother expects you to come, and if you don't there will be questions, your fiance will have to explain your absence, people will believe you are fighting and that will make it even harder for your fiance to explain things etc.
It is ALOT better if the next time he wants to visit his brother he knows, and everyone knows, from the very start that you will not come along. Right now is just too short of a notice.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 January 2011):
If it had been anyone but his brother, then I'd have said that you could have stomped your foot a bit more. But it's his brother, and this will matter to him. It will also matter to his brother and family. You'd be very surprised how something as small as this can escalate into a big thing.
It might seem like you're purposefully avoiding the brother and his family, or that you're trying to block your boyfriend from seeing them. And then his family might decide not to like you. Then your boyfriend will have to make a decision between you and his family and so on. We've all seen it happen before.
There are times in your life where you just have to face up to certain things you don't like, because if you don't, later it will come back and bite you. Not going seems like a small thing. In five years, when you've continually not gone and his family hate you, it will be a big thing and you'll lose out in the end.
For the sake of your relationship, it's better to go.
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