A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Something has snapped in me this week and I have finally decided, after a lot of heartache, that I want to break up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. He is no longer making any effort with me, and despite me bringing it up several times and him promising to do better, he never changes for more than a week. But should I do it before Christmas or after?I spoke to my Mum about it yesterday and she confessed that she has never thought he treats me right but she never said anything. I do agree with that actually, apart from the first month maybe, but until now I was too in love with him to see it. I always thought if I tried harder to be a better girlfriend, sexier, more fun, whatever, that he would want to see me more. Deluded I know.Anyway I told her I am going to wait until after Christmas to speak to him (his parents are not going to be in the UK this Christmas so he is coming to my house, and I think it's awful to do it now and leave him with nowhere to go). But she thinks it is unfair to wait because of the money he has spent on presents (we have both spent £200 as agreed) which I shouldn't accept knowing I am going to end things. I do see that point too, I definitely don't want him to think I just waited to get a present before ending it. So do I wait then give him the presents back afterwards? It's so complicated! And underneath it all he is not a bad guy, he is just not a good boyfriend for me (he is very like his parents who put themselves first - hence the fact he is left here on his own over Christmas in fact, they didn't ever consider what he would do when making plans to go abroad). Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Do it now, - ultimately acting and pretending that everything is fine, when it's not, for 3 more weeks is more cruel and manipulative than getting over with it , as for his Xmas plans if you tell him now he's got over two weeks to get organized and come up with alternative plans . Which anyway is not something you should panic about. He is an adult and hey, s..t happens.Even on Christmas.
The point about the gifts is ininfluent, he spent 200 , but so did you, you are even.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 I would tell him now. That way he can make other plans. I would not have him stay at my house like that.
And no wonder he is the way he is.. What a pair of cold hearted parents.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Just do it now, it will hurt the same no matter when you do it.
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A
male
reader, learnNlive +, writes (9 December 2012):
Agree as well - should do it ASAP.
He'll be better off - you'll be better off.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Do it now OP, if you've decided that you want to break up, then don't delay the inevitable. It will be very hard for you to keep up appearances just for the sake of it and why should you? You don't owe him anything. It was good while it lasted but if you want it to be over, then its over. If his parents don't bother about him, then that doesn't mean that his happiness is your responsibility. Don't get into the complicated process of first giving and then returning presents, its just a big waste of time when you know its not going to lead anywhere. Snap it now, it will be much easier. Don't drag it out
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Hi
You don't need to explain why your finishing with him. You WANT to finish with him so clearly it's not working.
Do it today, don't spend the next few weeks pretending alls well with him. He can get a refund on the gifts,so can you,thats not an issue here.
He will also have time to make other plans for Xmas, you can't be the only person he knows . If he has given up making any effort with you, then he is probably expecting you to finish it.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (9 December 2012):
 You actually answered your own question. If not think about how would you want him or anyone else to do you in this scenario. It will make since.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): I could never pretend and smile to him over the holiday, knowing than soon he ll become history.
It's also unfair to him, not suspecting anything, when you ll break up with him he will understand that you were waiting for after holidays.
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A
female
reader, Zaaleena +, writes (9 December 2012):
I agree - you should finish as soon as you possibly can so he can make alternative plans for Christmas.
Hope you're okay
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 December 2012):
 Do it now, so's he can have the &200 to pay for his lodging whilest his folks are away!!!...
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): Oh dear. I know it's sticky, but I really think you should do it ASAP. Don't you think it would be worse to spend the whole of Christmas pretending? To drag it out/lead him on? What if he works out something's wrong, and then there's an argument at Christmas or whatever..? As others said I'm sure he'll have friends who'll take him in, you can't worry about that. You'd only be lying to both of you, and putting off the inevitable. It will be less humiliating for him to do it sooner. x
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 The gift isnt a problem, you are both buying each other ssomething of the same value, £200, so if he is getting a present as well there is no unfair advantage.
However, if you are planning on breaking it off, you should do it sooner rather than later. I am sure he is adult enough to find somewhere else to go for lunch or dinner, friends or extended family.
So stop being wishy washy, go over to his place and tell him, tell him to take his present for you back for a refund and you do the same with his gift.
Don't drag it out!
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