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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend does not like that I have kept the surname of my ex husband.It is just easier as my child's last name would be the same as mine.My boyfriend said it does not matter if my child's last name is different from his mother.I am happy with my name as is and feel no need to change it.I am not sure why my boyfriend has asked me to change back to my maiden name.Should I appease him?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 April 2017):
 Hi OP I remember your other post about the washing and drying. It is clear that your boyfriend is very insecure, he is not happy with that set up and he doesn't think it is fully over between you and your ex. Honestly he either has no self esteem or he has been hurt bad in the past. Either way he is paranoid and that is not going to change. Do not change your name for him, keep your name for you and for your child. You should only ever change it if it is what you want to do. Do not allow him to control you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2017): I am going to start by saying I never shared a last name with my mother ( she always kept her maiden name), yet we were/are the very closest mother daughter duo there is. So it is silly to think that would affect the bond with your child.Well I may be the only voice in favour with your boyfriend, but i do think it is tacky to keep your ex-spouses last name after a divorce. You are not together, there is no reason not to go to YOUR name.What if you were to get remarried? Presumably youd change it at that point? What would it take? And im going to weigh in that you went too far letting your ex do your laundry...sorry but that is an intimate activity, no wonder your boyfriend was upset...not to mention telling your new man that you would trust your ex with your life?! That is quite dramatic and if you truly feel that way maybe you two should still be together. It is great to be friendly and co-parent, but there should be boundaries and it seems like you are not enforcing a healthy distance in general.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2017): Keep your surname as you please. Beware of men who make unreasonable demands. They are asserting their rule and authority over you. He has no right to ask you to change anything. I would question his intentions and be concerned about his persistence toward this matter.
Just for the sake of argument; allow him to give his explanation for such a request. In fact, let him plead his case. Then if it seems reasonable and justified; give it consideration. A gigantic diamond might sway your decision.
Don't you dare ask or bargain for a ring, let one appear. Even then, just take a name-change only into consideration. I wasn't suggesting you go and demand some guy give you a ring to change your name. I don't hand out that kind of advice!!! That's a gold-digger move! Beneath your dignity!
Don't feel pressured if he hands down some sort of threat or ultimatum. If your relationship rests on your compliance; girlfriend, you better consider what kind of man you've chosen for a boyfriend. He sounds like a control-freak.
Then this matter also rests on the type of men you let into you life.
If you look to men for strength and protection, that makes you a weak woman. It means he's got no one to back-up his strength when the weight of the world is on his shoulders.
That's a useless woman. A parasite. The kind that will zap you of your strength and forsake you when you're down; and look down on you if you can't always hold her up! Be always equals and partners. That's a lasting couple!
If he has not offered you a marriage proposal, he has no concerns or rights about what names you decide to keep or remove. If you wish to keep your ex-husband's surname, and hyphenate it to add any other name accepted in matrimony; that's your prerogative.
For the time being, it matches that of your child. Boyfriend might just decide to take a walk at any given time; after you've gone through the legal process of name-change on everything. Then what? With me, he'd be hanging by a thread just for having the balls to ask!
Consider his demand a red-flag. It makes no sense.
Give him an assertive, unequivocal, and emphatic NO!
Let his reaction determine the fate of your continued relationship. What other demands and power-tripping comes next?
Seriously?!!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (16 April 2017):
 I wouldn't advice staying with him. He is jealous, insecure and controlling. You'll be lucky if he doesn't start behaving rude to your child because they are half your ex.
Please consider leaving and finding someone who understands that you have a past, but it's not something to be jealous of.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (15 April 2017):
It sounds like you hooked yourself an insecure control freak. If you want to spend the rest of your life being told what to do appease this guy now because you'll spend all your time appease him on one thing after another.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017): Hello everyone. It's the OP.
Thank you kindly for all your responses. You have given me some excellent perspectives and advice.
Interestingly enough, my boyfriend has asked me before if he is better in bed than my ex husband. If my ex husband satisfied me more than he does. If I am now happier with him than I was with my ex husband. He also calls my ex names and puts him down. My ex made a bad financial decision that I told my boyfriend about and he criticized him for it. He told me he would never put me in that kind of a position. Also, I posted recently about my ex husband doing my laundry. He does it as a favour as my current landlord will not allow me to use his washer and dryer. It is purely a convenient transaction and one to save money. My boyfriend was upset about the idea and now I have decided to drive to my parent's house which takes me 40 minutes each way to do laundry. To appease him.
My boyfriend knows that my ex is still a part of my life. We share a child together. And he seems to hate that I do have a friendship with my ex husband. To this day, my ex is still there for me and his son. One time it came up in conversation that I trust my ex husband with my life. My current boyfriend did not like hearing that. He seems to have an issue with my ex husband being my "friend" still. I do not see anything wrong with being friendly with an ex. It sure beats the opposite which is fighting and bitterness and your children suffering as a result of the discord. I have made it clear there are no feelings on my part for my ex. But my boyfriend seems to worry that there may be feelings on his end. But why does this matter if I am not going to entertain such feelings? My heart is with my boyfriend and he should know this by now. I do make it clear to him by my words and actions consistently.
I am not sure why he is so concerned about my ex husband? I was the one who left HIM. It was my choice. The marriage was not working. In the beginning when we started dating, I was only SEPARATED from my husband although the marriage was technically over. It was my boyfriend who told me I need to get divorced. Which I did.
I am not so sure if his behaviours are generally controlling and if these are red flags to be aware of?
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A
female
reader, katherine2081 +, writes (15 April 2017):
 I have the same issue I'm married for a second time I have kept my first husband surname he has no contact with my child to protect my child when I travel so no awkward questions are asked and my ex permission is asked for me to leave the country. Plus my husband his two kids have all same name my kid is the only one with a different name is I changed mine. This is brought up in every argument as a sign of my non commitment to him. Fact is my kid can't protect himself that's my job. I married my husband because I love him and I don't need to forsake my child to prove that to him. If he can't get over his own insecurities you must carry on as you are and he either gets with the program or you find better or it won't stop there I have telling off for telling my son about my ex parents heritage. My son needs to know his heritage or one day he will go looking. He must embrace your diversity not try and control it or he's not the guy for you.hugs
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017): Your boyfriend is being jealous and petty. Good on you for deciding to keep your name and share that with your child. I can totally understand your reasoning, your shared surname is part of your bond with your child and that means a lot to you so keep the last name.
Your boyfriend will have to get over it, he has no right telling you to revert to your maiden name just to please his jealous ego. Maybe in his head he thinks you still have feelings, or maybe he sees you sharing a surname as still being linked to your ex...Well newsflash to your boyfriend - he's going to have to get used to you having a link to your ex because you share a child and I'm sure your ex will always be a part of your life while your child is growing up.
If he can't handle it, move on!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 April 2017):
 I think you answered your own question :
" I am happy with my name as is and I feel no need to change it ".
Well, of course all of us every now and then do things which we do not particularly like,in order to appease a loved one, but in this case you would be appeasing silliness.
Your bf probably wants you to get rid of reminders of your ex husband . Did he also ask you to change all your furniture , linen, appliances, silverware, crockery, knicknacks,... anything that you may have used with / bought with / received from your ex husband ? Did he make you throw away all your old pics of when you were married ? ..
Even if your house has been sanitized till the last book and CD to cancel from your life any trace of your ex husband- you have something every day under your nose to remind you of him, which is : your son. Does your bf want you to ship your kid to boarding school so his presence does not remind him that you were somebody's else wife ?..
Tell your bf to get over it ,and to grow up.
As a side note, and just fpr conversation :
I think you should keep your ex's name if this is what you chose to do, and that a simple " bf " should not interfere. This , as a matter of principle.
But, tbh, I do not see what's the big deal if children have a different name from their mother's.
That's what 60 millions of Italians do and we are fine :). Here, last name is trasmitted in a patrilinear way ( the kid takes his dad's last name ) but women , BY LAW, keep their maiden name , which is the one they have to use for signing contracts, getting IDs, and any legal and official purpose.
If they want, they can ask to add " married with X " on their IDs, but their legal name is the maiden one. I.e. : I am Mary Smith , married with John Doe, I can ask a driving licence where I am identified as " Mary Smith married Doe ".. but never just as " Mary Doe ".
I know I know - who cares what the heck they do in Italy ?! ... Just to say that , at the end of the day, it must not be so vital for kids to have the same last name as mom's, because all Italian kids manage allright with a different one :)...
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 April 2017):
When I was born, my mum and dad weren't married yet, but my mum was divorced and hadn't changed her surname back to her maiden one. On my birth certificate, it has my dad's name and hers, with her ex-husbands surname and my dad doesn't care.
For example, on my birth certificate -
My dad: Bob Smith
My mum: Jane Johnson
Her ex's name was Jim Johnson (for example). When I was born, before she married my dad, she hadn't bothered to change her surname back because it's a lot of fuss. I was given my dad's surname, but my mum's ex-husband's surname will always be on my birth certificate. My dad doesn't care.
When your boyfriend marries you, you can hyphenate your name to keep the name link to your kids and boyfriend, or change it to solely your boyfriend's surname. To change it for him before he marries you is silly because boyfriends come and go, names tend to stick.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017): As your boyfriend is not your child how could he know the impact that a mothers name change could have.
As its a name your child has grown up with he could see it as a further abandonment and become alienated further from you.
Maybe this is what the new boyfriend wants!
Or maybe he's just pressing your buttons to see how far he can go!
I think you may as well use your usual name as it provides a strong emotional connection with the children!
Your new guy may be very old fashioned or he may have other motives but its your name and you have no cause to revert to your maiden name.
Some would say 'forget about names just rewrite the boyfriend!'
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017): Honey let me say this if your boyfriend loves you your last name won't matter to him . Trust me my husband now is hubby number 2 ( 22) years we have been together and yes I have kids by husband number one my t didn't care about my name or the fact that I had kids by my ex husband.
Do what you want but be very careful talk to your mom and dad if able they know you better than me. As for me I'd keep it as is just to test him
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 April 2017):
 The problem is in his (and your) thinking.
Don't think of this last name in terms of "my ex-husband's last name". Think of it in terms of "my child's last name". Your boyfriend is suffering a bit of retroactive jealousy, but it's your child that will feel the sting of rejection, as it's not only the ex's last name, it's your his or hers.
What's next, your boyfriend wanting to cut you off from your kid because they share your ex's DNA and last name?? The moment you indulge this jealousy, it's never satisfied and only wants more. What's next after that?? Your boyfriend wants you to have hymen reconstruction surgery, so he can pretend you're a virgin again??
And Honeypie brought up THE point here: This guy is your BOYFRIEND. That is not a permanent status, and to cause this much potential damage to your kid at the whim and wish of a boyfriend is unconscionable.
Consider this - for you to revert to your maiden name carries one message: "I wish I had never met or married my ex". That's easy for your boyfriend to feel, but what you're telling your child by this move is "I wish you'd never been born". History has been written, mistake or no. When there are no children involved, or when there's no crime committed (like murder or another felony or a Jim Jones event where the name has been soiled), then reverting makes sense and usually involves your child also changing their name as well. But if he or she still has any contact with his father, and he isn't a famous serial killer or something like that, then you're sending a horrifically negative "I wish you didn't exist" message to your kid.
Tell your boyfriend that the only way you will be changing your last name is if you marry and take on your new husband's. Otherwise, your last name is your child's, and if it's a dealbreaker, then so be it. It won't fix any jealousy issues or turn back time. Your boyfriend must accept you, history and all.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 April 2017):
 Do YOU want to change your name? I am guessing not, otherwise you would already have done so. My sister in law went through a bad break-up with her ex husband but chose to keep his surname as she had had that name longer than her maiden name and it was the only name most people knew her by. She did eventually change back to her maiden name, but that was only because things with her ex got nasty and she wanted to disassociate herself from him completely; changing her name back made her feel like she had cut a last link with him - but that was totally HER decision, nobody else's. Some women's choice to change back to their maiden names after divorce signifies freedom - to THEM, not to a random boyfriend.
In your shoes I would just laugh it off, say you see no reason to change your name (with all the paperwork that would involve) and point out to him it is just a name and that you and your husband are DIVORCED.
I have to wonder, if you give in to him on THIS, what he will want you to change next. If this is just one example of his controlling behaviour, I would tread very carefully.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017): I think if he marries you then for the sake of convenience you would be expected to carry his surname whereas your child would remain carrying your ex's surname. Just out of curiousity, is your bf younger than you? Because he sounds so immature.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (15 April 2017):
Also, I forgot to add that I would give your child a larger vote in this than I would give your boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (15 April 2017):
Has your child had a say in this? I have to think that a lot of children would be much more comfortable with mom having their own last name, not having to explain why mom changed her name to something else.
Does your boyfriend know the work you'll have to go thru to change it? I am really concerned about him...it shows insecurity, shallow thinking and a lack of compromise on his part. Also, I guess he doesn't plan on changing your last name to his last name anytime soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017): If you change your name, do it for yourself. If you keep your current name, do it for yourself. There's no "should" for some situations. There's nothing in the Bible about it, or in the doctrines of any other faith you might follow. Your name is a very personal choice. My last name is Chianti and it's a part of me. I think the expectation that a woman will change to her husband's upon marriage is silly! I don't have a problem with a woman taking her husband's last name, I just have a problem with a woman being forced to, or being judged for her choice. Getting off on a tangent... I think it is a personal choice and you should do what is right for YOU.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 April 2017):
 I agree. Having the same last name as your children means something to me, not sure about you. It's also a name you've become accustomed to, and by which many people know you. Not to mention having to deal with government then notify EVERY account you have and person you know.
All for an insecure and demanding boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, sleepwalker +, writes (15 April 2017):
No don't appease him. Having the same last name as your childs is much more practical not to mention the hassle of contacting multiple organizations that you are again changing your surname is no small thing.
Besides, unless it is an extremely unique last name, there are probably thousands of folks that have nothing to do with your ex who share the same last name. Nobody can copyright a surname for self identification.
This may be a huge red flag that he is not likely to make peace with your past and that he wants to control you and your relationships with others (you probably have to maintain a civil relationship with your ex due to the two of you being parents of a child).
Even in relationships, the warning "let the buyer beware" is very applicable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 April 2017):
 Why should you? He is JUST your BF. Now if he wants you to change it, he can offer you HIS name and well, that would mean marriage....
Not for him to decide.
I took my husband's name because it made sense. My brother took his wife's name because that made sense to them.
Would I keep his name if we split? Well after 20+ years together, probably... maybe, maybe not (I do prefer my maiden name) but would I CHANGE my name because a BF wanted me to? NO.
What reason does he give for this "demand"?
And maybe... JUST maybe.... it MATTERS to you that you children and you have the same last name.
I say no way, Jose...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 April 2017):
 Its YOUR name, a name you are comfortable with and that you share with your child ... unless your boyfriend can give a valid, well thought out reason for you to CONSIDER his request just tell him no.
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