A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been going out for over a year, and have been involved a fair bit longer, and I can quite see myself spending a good many years with her. Lately, however, I have been having trouble finding her physically attractive. She's not terribly overweight, but she does have a fair stomach to her. This has caused some friction in the past, and I'm afraid to bring the issue up again. The shame of it is I *know* she is a wonderful person - she is caring, supportive, intelligent, funny and just generally everything I could want and we have a great time together - but lately when I am with her this is all shrouded by the weight issue. And to be clear, I don't *want* for this to be a problem, and I do try to deal with it as best I can, but it's just not going away and is starting to impact our time together (I feel guilty which makes me close up, etc). It's also affecting our sex life in that I often recently haven't wanted sex as much as usual, and when we do it can be difficult for me to 'finish'.She is sort-of on a diet, and exercises a little, but she does cheat a lot (so she says) which gives me little hope that she takes this issue seriously - not good when we've already had lots of words about it. I am just loathe to bring it up again as she is insecure about her looks and I don't want to chastise her over something that she *is* making an effort to deal with, for me.I just don't know what to do. My question is simple and vague, therefore: what do I do? She is 17 and I am 21, for the record, and I've heard people say "it's just puppy-fat" and that 'it'll come off'... but I see no evidence of this. I also, for the record, don't want to be "shallow" about this, but the fact is that how my partner looks matters to me, and whether or not I find her sexually attractive isn't something I can control too much. If that's shallow then I'm shallow, so be it, but I still need some advice.Thank you :-)ps: we live fairly far apart, currently, and as such only get to see each other at weekends and once during the week. As such solutions such as us both going on a diet or both going to the gym together - ie. me instigating the change - just won't work. Somehow I either have to just find a way to live with it, trust her that she'll deal with it, or confront her about it.
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insecure, overweight, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): First, you haven't said what you look like, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are less overweight than she is - if you are actually equally or more overweight, then take a look in the mirror and stop projecting your unhappiness with your own body onto your poor girlfriend.
It is more common for people to gain weight as they get older than to lose weight. And as people age other things happen to make their bodies less "attractive." Some people are unfortunate and gain weight more easily, and some people don't naturally like exercise. They have to really want it to keep weight off. It sounds like your girlfriend falls into this catagory.
You are right that it is not a good idea to bring it up anymore. Do not torture the poor girl. I know about this, my boyfriend is more overweight than me but has made so many upsetting comments to me about my weight that I've been trying to break up with him. He says he loves me and wants to marry me and begs me not to go, but I can't even change my clothes in front of him anymore, I feel so bad about my body. This is really really really hard on me. I dated other people when I weighed more than I do now, and they were ok with how I looked. There is someone out there for her who won't care about her weight. It doesn't sound like you are going to get the weight issue out of your head. It sounds to me like you are no longer in love with her (yeah, I know, you love her as a person, blah blah, but don't string her along if you aren't in love anymore). Do her a favor and break it off rather than make her life hell for the next 6 months while she feels unloved and unattractive and tries not to eat.
A
female
reader, TRUST +, writes (6 May 2007):
hiya. loads of people will tell you "weight doesnt matter" which to a point it doesnt. but i believe sexuality and attraction is an important part of a relationship. try suggesting you both go jogging together in the evenings... this will mean you spend quality time together n your getting her fitter! if this doesnt work please dont throw your relationship away over thins. i guarantee you will regret it.
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A
female
reader, huneygyrl  +, writes (4 May 2007):
 If you love her, why does her weight matter? Is she happy with herself?
Try going on walks with her, or even better, working out together. Do some type of physical activitiy together other than intercourse. Try something different.
But it does seem you're the one with the issue with her weight. Has she complained about her weight?
My daughter is 17 months and I'm still trying to lose the "baby fat" I've gain during my pregnancy. I know her father have the same problem you have, being concern about their girlfriends weight but unfortunately, hearing it from their boyfriends surely doesn't help. Especially, if they know it's going to hurt us. It's not easy losing weight. Especially, after having a baby.
Be supportive, do physical activities with her. Not only will it help her, but you as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2007): I agree that you need to love her as she is. You sound a nice person, but it is you who has the problem and you may not be the one who will make her happy. Imagine marrying her and having children. How nice will it be for her if you can not love her saggy post-baby stomach, stretch marks and all? If you can't stand her rounded firm tummy how on earth are you going to when that happens? It is hard enough to be a new Mum and maybe cope with a whole changed body, without feeling that you husband is disgusted by it. I know this is all far in the future, but I point it out because these issues are true life and the way that you would deal with them points to an imcompatibility issue between you. Nice that you can see she is a good person, but I think you need a different sort.
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A
female
reader, NJmomabear +, writes (3 May 2007):
 Over the past year I have grown a gut. I didn't start out with it. I started emotional eating when I noticed no matter how good I looked I just didn't get the response I was used to getting. Now its a matter of why bother when even when I did look good, he didn't meet my emotional needs anyway. He still dosen't and I have continued to eat and blow up. Maybe...if you started to treat her like she was the hottest girl on earth, she will get the motivation to be it for you! If I was still getting that kind of attention still, I don't think I would have started to fill the void with food.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2007): Do not confront her! Do not tell her you think she's gaining a gut. If you do this, she will either A) be very hurt B) be very angry or C) she will dump you and go find a guy who doesn't mind her gut. So if you love her, treat her with respect here. Firstly, you want to stay in this relationship you need to accept her as she is, not as you would like her to be. Asking for someone to change so that "you" will love them more is no way to conduct a quality, giving, mature relationship. So woork that out in your head, hun. Next, all you can do is be supportive by offering to walk with her, exercise with her, cook and eat healthfully with her, and make sure you're still complimenting her on the things you do really love about her. If all of this is impossible for you, you may be better off...cutting her loose, so she can go and find some guy who takes her 'as is'...tummy and all.
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A
female
reader, Calli  +, writes (3 May 2007):
 Weight is always a sensitive issue, and I commend you on your sensitivity. I know this site (I have to admit, some of the terminology used is a bit cheesy) is about marriage, but maybe some of the info on it will help: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html. I think it might be worth doing the exercise of going through the questionnaire either by yourself to explore how important this issue really is to you in the big picture or by doing it with her to learn what is most important to her too.
Don't be ashamed. Physical attractiveness in a partner is often a very important part of a long term relationship. You're not shallow--it's obvious in what you wrote.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, trueheartconfused +, writes (3 May 2007):
Buy her a tiny black dress and tell her how good she would look in it and how that would make her happy.
Try to motivate her by taking her shopping for clothes, and
make her realize how beautiful she is , tell her that she really should show off her body more often.
You are not shallow, not a bit, we can learn to love a person but usually have little control what we like or dislike. It's
all very natural .
However , have reasonable expectations, she doesn't gain all that weight overnight , she won't be able to loose them overnight either .
Lots of encouragement and love , and you will see those fat melt.
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