A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex at the start of the year a few months later I met another man, things with him seemed great at first but quickly got worse as we were both still hung up on our ex's. Things came to an end but we stayed in touch and about a month ago we met up for a drink as friends. Unfortunately we had a few too many drinks and got chatting and ended up in bed. This then continued for a couple more weeks. Now I have just found out i'm pregnant. Not what I intended but I want to try and do the right thing. He has been horrible since I told him. He barely speaks and is pressuring me into getting an abortion. i'm not sure if he is right - I don't want to bring up a child who's father hates me and has no interest in them. His reaction has made me wake up and see him for what he is! He already has a son (he is a good father to this child). I don't know what to do????
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for your help. I rang the number and spoke to a nice lady, she said they had closed the centres nearer me and the nearest now is over 3 hours away!! She suggested I tried family planning, but I looked on their website and they don't mention any counselling. I suppose it is just a post code lottery in this country, or maybe it's the governments way of keeping the population down.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): You obviously need counselling. At least phone up the place for some counselling. Who knows something might be possible to accomodate you, to get the face to face counselling that you desperately do need.And I am sure that some counsellors would happily drive our to your home to give you face to face counselling, considering your obvious need for this. Give it a try. You have nothing to lose by dialling the number first thing on Monday morning. Or is that phone service a 24 hour thing? Did you check that?And just in case you find it really hard to recognise distances here is a tool to help you, because when the baby arrives, then you should be aware of what is closest route to take You must live in a very far flung part of the United Kingdom? Perhaps try to work out the nearest place to find the counselling you clearly need. A good map can make all the difference when you need to get from place a to place b. And the United Kingdom is not a big place land mass compared to so many other countries. It is just well populated in the city areas http://www.freemaptools.com/how-far-is-it-between-london-uk-and-leicester-uk.htmSounds like you are feeling very negative and over-whelmed right now. And worrying rather than taking action to support you. That's not good for you.It seems that you may have wanted the baby all along and you just hoped that he'd want the baby too, despite how things started out. who knows? Maybe he will turn over a new leaf completely and offer to fully support you in every way to have the baby and you will live happily every after? Stranger things have happened.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 January 2013):
 Do call the helpline, it is still better than nothing, and anyway phone advisory services can be very helpful and effective, and the anonimate , and not seeing the person who's talking to you, often makes for BETTER, more open communication. I don't know BPAS specifically, but having worked for similar outfits, I can tell you that even those entirely employing volunteers, give them extensive, specialized training to deal with the issue at hand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks that is what my gp have me I was just hoping to speak to someone in person and the nearest bpas is a few hours away. I had expected there to be something in all areas of the country obviously not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): Perhaps the link he gave you was for BPAS which has 40 centers all over England and Scotland. BPAS is a registered Charity. They can provide you with the Counselling you need.So perhaps try the number?It may be that your GP is unwilling to help you must, due to his own beliefs, so prefers to put obstacles in your path and be as unhelpful as he can be. One in three women all over England will have an abortion before they are 45 years old. But some GPs will try to put every obstacle in your path or try to make it sound more difficult than it is, for their own reasons BPAS - The British Pregnancy Advisory Service most definitely does provide advisory services of the type you require.Here are the details:http://www.bpas.org/bpashealthcareIf you go to the www.bpas.org web site the centers below can be reached directly from links on the above site.To get advice call 08457304030If outside UK phone 44 1789 416 56940 centers across England and Scotland• bpas Leicester• bpas NorthamptonEast of England• bpas Bedford • bpas Luton• bpas PeterboroughLondon• bpas Finsbury Park • bpas Harrow• bpas London Central• bpas London East• bpas London North• bpas Richmond• bpas Streatham• bpas Tottenham• bpas WillesdenNorth East• bpas Middlesbrough • bpas Newcastle-upon-TyneNorth West• bpas Chester• bpas Merseyside• bpas St Helens• bpas WiganScotland• bpas GlasgowSouth Central• bpas Aldershot• bpas Andover• bpas Aylesbury • bpas Basingstoke• bpas High Wycombe• bpas Milton Keynes• bpas Oxford• bpas Portsmouth• bpas Southampton• bpas Winchester• bpas Winchester HospitalSouth East• bpas Brighton• bpas Eastbourne• bpas HastingsSouth West• bpas Bath• bpas Bournemouth• bpas Dorchester• bpas Plymouth• bpas SwindonWales• bpas Cardiff West Midlands• bpas Birmingham Central• bpas Birmingham South• bpas Cannock• bpas Coventry • bpas Leamington Spa• bpas Shrewsbury• bpas Tamworth• bpas Telford• bpas Wolverhampton Yorkshire and the Humber• bpas Doncaster • bpas Leeds
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked the doctor (my gp) for a counsellor, she said there aren't any in our county for pregnancy issues and the normal counselling service has a one month waiting list. She gave me a helpline no. But I wanted to talk to someone in person.
I can't not talk to him as I will need him to take me to the hospital. Or if I keep it I'll need some money from him (not that I'll get much).
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just don't want to give this child a bad life. I don't know how to pay the bills if I don't work. All I'll get is a few hundred pounds a month from him at best which will not even pay half the rent! I think he will make it hard for me to get money too, while he has it easy in his own home etc
I just feel depressed and alone :(
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 STOP talking to him. Honestly HE doesn't matter. Neither does his opinion.
This is about YOU and what you want.
Did you talk to your GP first? If not I would suggest you talk to the GP or at the hospital about seeing a counselor, no matter WHAT you choose it would be good for you to talk to someone.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2013):
 do NOT do this to please him.
Tell him to go fuck off to be honest.
if you do not think you can handle it then by all means terminate the pregnancy. I support that for the right reasons.
DOING it to please an asshole is not the right reason.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 January 2013):
Think. Think hard.
You are going to do something that you don't want to do, - to please a man that's been , is being, and most probably will be, horrible to you.
If you have no money to raise a child, that's one thing. If you fell/think/fear you won't handle it by yourself and won't be a good single parent,that too.
But that you submit yourself to an unwanted abortion, because so maybe he'll be nicer to you / bother you less, that 's all another, and frankly , to me personally makes no sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy appointment at the hospital is booked for 15th not sure if it is an assessment or they are doing the procedure. Still don't want to do it but the father is being as horrible as before. At least I have a bit more time to think...
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 January 2013):
 In truth you will meet a nicer guy and you will know what to look for.
I have a good friend who had a baby at 42. And another friend has 3 children under 5 and she turns 42 this year.
Have faith and confidence in you.
If you have a baby first it may take little Longer to find a partner. And you'll require baby sitting every time you want to date.
Regards
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the continued advice. I still feel unsure, I wish I had more time to decide.I suppose it is easier being a man - he won't be affected unless I keep the baby whereas I will face the consequences either way.Part of me thinks maybe I will never meet anyone else and this could be my last chance to have a baby...
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female
reader, shna  +, writes (1 January 2013):
 you do not have to end this pregnancy because you have seen the true colours of your former lover.
think about your life what you wanted from it what you planned?
you will find that nothing really happens they way you wanted or intended but still you have been able to enjoy life
now there is a child?
I am pro choice but I feel in your situation from your emoitions that mabye giving this child up is not what you want deep down? an i do feel you may end up regretting it
if you would be strong enough to consider raising this child yourself with no contact with the father then i do believe you are seeing into your future as a mother. this may feel daunting but you never no it could be something wonderful and extraordinary you said yourself you were not career focused
i no there is never a right time and i'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation
mabye do a pros and cons list
think about this child and what you really want and really feel. please don't kid yourself or try to convince yourself that giving up this child is what you want because you will pay highly for the consequences after the decision has become a reality
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reader, Pappa +, writes (1 January 2013):
Please remember that this is YOUR lifethere are no guarantees in life and whatever you decide will be subject to future eventsonly you can choose how to respond to all the events in your life, whether or not they are a direct consequence of your own actions or inactionswhat is important is how you decide because you will have to live with your decision . . . .consider your conscience . . .your heart . . . as well as the practicalitiesYou will find that you cannot control how other people feel or behave as a result of your decision . . . . make the decision that you will never regret, whatever the consequences, and focus on the positive things - good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): I think that given your situation and your ex, it's a really really terrible idea to have a child with him or to bring a child into a family where he is the father. So that leaves adoption or abortion. But you are dead set against adoption and won't even consider it.So that leaves only one option.However, I do like the idea someone mentioned below about having your ex sign away his parental rights so that you will not be tied to him through the baby. That means that he is legally no longer considered the child's father and has no claim to the child. It does mean he will not pay child support but that also means he doesn't get any rights to visitation anymore than a complete stranger. I'm sure he would be only too happy to do that since he's the one who doesn't even want the child to exist. So, having him sign away his rights is a win-win. He gets to go on with his life like the child never existed, and you get to have and keep this child without him in the picture.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 December 2012):
 My best friend was adopted, and she didn't feel abandoned in the slightest bit. She loves her parents and to her, they're flesh and blood. There are parents out there who ache to love a baby, and the waiting lists are so long. You would be making a loving parents' dreams come true by adopting, that's for sure.
I am pro-choice in that while I personally could never choose abortion, I have no right telling someone else not to. It's a very personal decision.
As for this guy, he wants to be FRIENDS!??! Listen, no matter what your decision is, if you keep him in your life on any basis except to collect checks, then you are a masochist. This guy is a horrible person for putting this kind of pressure on you, and he is selfish for not protecting you and himself with birth control. Not to be blunt, but he could have even pulled out! But he didn't, and now he wants to push the consequences of his own risky behavior onto you. He doesn't deserve to be anyone's friend after this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 December 2012):
and if he falls in love with the baby but still hates you?
it's NEVER going to be a happy family honey...
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey date your pregnancy from the first day of your last period so 2 weeks before conception, weird I know.No I'm not strong enough to give a child up for adoption and I just wouldn't want to let go of the baby.I'm not very career focused, that would prob have helped! I suppose I have to end the pregnancy, I know he won't change how he feels but part of me hopes he might fall in love with his baby...
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): i don't think abortion makes it harder to get pregnant in the future. I am aware of a distant relative who had 3 abortions between the ages 19 and 30. Apparently all 3 men who were the fathers were each unwilling to become fathers.
Then she married and went on to have 2 children with ease. It never bothered her that she terminated the babies very early on.
She was career orientated.
It left her with no psychological issues.
And she successfully breastfed both her daughters.
She was very open about her abortions and quoted us the statistics to demonstrate how prevalent and safe are abortions carried out by Doctors.
So although I have never been in her position nor in your position I learnt a lot by listening to her. She debunked many things as lies and myths about the process. And she was scathing about those who attempted to try to make her feel guilty. She is adamant that Her Choice was the Best Choice for her.
And she was clear and certain that her life was better for the fact that she finished her studies and waited until she was truly ready to be a parent,
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 December 2012):
I have kept my mouth shut on this but I'm going to give you my POV...
IF you have this child you will forever be tied to this man via the child. He may change he may not.
He may pay CS he may not. You may have to go to court and get a garnishment and then he still may make your life a living hell....
adoption is a good option for those who are not able to raise a child but do not agree with abortion.
here is my take on it:
I would not want to be tied to this loser guy in any way shape or form for any reason. If this means not having his child then so be it. FOR me... I'm pro choice and while I think adoption is awesome I don't know that I could do it... I don't think kids that are adopted as infants get that whole abandonment issues esp in a case where a mom is giving up the child so the child can have a better life. that is selfless and loving. but it takes a strong woman to go through 9 months of hormones and birth and all the crud afterwards (milk coming in and leaking and no baby to feed) to give up a child. I think it takes a VERY strong woman to give up a child. Me. I'd have an abortion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would never consider adoption. I could never give the child up if I had carried it for nine months, I do want children! They would still feel abandoned except it would be by both parents and not just one if I did that. The abjection is only if I do it straight away (doctor said next week if I say yes by Thursday) by which time it will be 3 weeks since I conceived (ie 5weeks pregnant).The father says he still wants to remain friends (?!) I'd like to hope he is feeling some kind of guilt but more likely he wants to ensure I do as he wants!! He's not a bad person really just not that bright and from a troubled background.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 December 2012):
Hi
I have to agree about the lack of father involvement part. I have seen children whose father's were violent and mean and nasty and eventually walked out on the young mother. A few years later the children asked about their father but the father rejected them. It leaves a terrible pain in children who have that done to them.
Even though my eldest does thankfully can remember their Dad (who died) I always felt it left a huge hole in their life to be without a Dad. I was so thankful that my second husband chose to treat my first child as no different to the next two. And they get on very very well. But not all children are as blessed.
And if he does show occasional interest then you have the issue of trying to get child support on a regular basis (good luck) and the pain of a father who chooses to be a a "sometimes" Dad only turning up when it suits him. or failing to turn up when he is really needed. That too can be so confusing for a child and I think it leaves a legacy of hurt within the child.
These are big issues to consider.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThese are all helpful comments. of course I want the baby or I would not have this dilemma! My concern is I would have to give up work which is my income, and whatever small amount he would pay in child support is not going to pay the rent, electricity, water let alone food etc. Also how would a chid feel being brought up with a father who ignores them yet spends time with their brother?! I don't blame him for feeling this way I just wish he could see how hard it is for a woman to go through. I never realised how selfish he was till all of this.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 December 2012):
@ anon reader : a man who does not want to give a woman the power to " alter his life " should get a vasectomy or keep it zipped in his pants. ( Or, at the very very least, use protection ).
Having unprotected sex then whining " ... but I did not want a baby ! " is the typical reasoning of a 12 years old.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): If you choose to have the baby it doesn't mean he should have to be involved. The pregnancy was an accident as neither of you intended it.now that it happened if you want to keep the baby that's your own choice but no reason he has to support you just because you wanted to do something (keep the baby) which he didn't. You have the chance to have an abortion or to adopt out the child. If you choose either of these your ex's life will not be forever altered against his will. If you choose the third option which is to keep the baby then his life will be forever altered as he will have to pay child support at the very least. So you see you have the power to forever change his life. Women have that power over the men they get pregnant by. The man does not have such power over you to force you to be a parent against your will since ultimately you can choose an abortion. But the man who doesn't want to be a parent but was involved in an accidental pregnancy is completely at the mercy of the woman as to whether his life will be forever altered. This is unfair in my opinion.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (31 December 2012):
I think you need to take the father out of the occasion; his input has selfish motivations so for him to say you'll ruin his life is a bit of a stretch to say the least.
You also need to remember that you are likely to find another man who will love you and love your child- it's easy to love children while they are still young because, not only are they adorable, they can get attached to people easier than older kids. I dated a girl with a 2 year old and I loved the kid.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 December 2012):
"I am just tryng to work out if my reasons justify me having an abortion" - what do you mean, subjectively for you, or objectively from the point of view of outsiders ?
Subjectively, if you think you can't deal with it, and you don't feel prepared to be a mother with all the sacrifices and hard work it entails, then yes , surely you are justified, only you know which responsibilities you can handle, and which not. If you have to wreck your physical or mental health in order to " do the right thing ", ...then maybe it is not the right thing.
Objectively, from the outside, well, no - the only one which IMO is a valid concern is " not having enough money ", in the sense, of course, of not beeing able to support yourself and the child decorously, not of not having enough for drinks , nights out,vacations etc. All the others cconcerns sound rather lame ... " having to move home ". Heck, I have moved home 11 times so far :), it's not such a big deal. Or " disappointing your parents "... they'll get over it, at 30-35 you can't base your life on what your parents would approve or disapprove . Etc.etc.
The important thing is that whatever you decide is something that's the best solution for YOU. Not for your parents, not for him , not for Dear Cupid or the public opinion. For you. Ok ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses it's helpful to talk about it! If I tell my family they are against abortion so there will only be one option.I know we made a mistake and should never have got back together after we split up (obviously I wasn't drink every time we slept together but I except responsibility for the no protection thing. He went on about having fertility issues before I got pregnant so I think he thought he was safe!).I'm just trying to work out if my reasons justify me having an abortion - the father not wanting to see the child, 'ruining' the fathers life, potentially having to move home and possibly give up work/go part time, not having enough money, disappointing my family...
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reader, CMMP +, writes (30 December 2012):
Child support is all you can expect from him. If you have a supportive family that will help you. If you are all alone then you should be aware that being a single parent with no breaks can be very difficult.
I disagree with anonymous who said "you should not force him to fatherhood." He made the decision to have sex with you, and as everybody knows, that's how you have kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have agreed to book a doctors appointment to discuss abortion tomorrow. I think he will ruin my life otherwise! And he is right it would be really hard practically/financially if I had the baby with no father.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): Do what you want since its your body. However it is wrong to force him to support your decision and participate in it if you want to keep the baby. You make your own choice for yourself and let him make his for himself. If you want to keep the baby that's fine but that is your own choice and you should not force him into fatherhood since he has stated he does not want any part of this. Let him sign away his parental rights to release him from all obligations.
To be clear again. Your choice should be separate from his. You want the baby then you should go it alone because its your choice only. Legally release him from all obligation as it is morally wrong to force a man into fatherhood against his will just because you wanted to be a mother. You can be a parent without forcing him to be one as well.
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reader, Abella +, writes (30 December 2012):
hi,
It's your body and the baby is growing within you. If he wants no part of the baby then you'll probably end up registering the baby with 'father not stated' if he refuses to acknowledge the baby. If that is the case you can take him to Court and the Court can force him to have a DNA test to confirm paternity.
Once paternity is confirmed then sue him for child support payable for the next 18 years.
Yes it is likely that you will bring up your baby as a single parent, without his input emotionally.
However eventually you may meet a nice guy who is willing to be a reliable partner to you and a step parent to your child.
I you do not already have children then this may represent your big opportunity to have a child.
If all the above is not what you want then explore other options.
Don't count on him giving you support as he sounds immature, whatever his age is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust met up with him to discuss what to do. He thinks I won't be able to afford to be a single mom or have anywhere to live. He said if I kept it he would pay child support but that's it. I appreciate him not wanting the child but think he should at least attempt to do the right thing.
I'm not sure it's right to force someone to have a child they don't want... Still unsure... Thanks for the responses!
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 December 2012):
 I agree with all the other Aunts...do what is right for you.
Don't base any of your decisions on how the ex will feel, he has made his choice loud and clear.
If you want to raise the child, then you have to accept that he is entitled to access whether he pays or not...can you handle having him in your life for the next 18 years or so?
If you choose to terminate then it is again your choice alone and nobody else is entitled to an opinion on that choice, because it's your body.
The Marie Stopes website is a good place to get support and advice and they have a 24 hour phone line if you need to talk.
I wish you the best of luck in your decision.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 December 2012):
If you think you have it in you to be a good mom then you should have the baby. F- him. I can tell you that I would have been fine if I never had kids, but my wife wanted them so we had two. I love them with all my heart and I'm glad she wanted them because you can't explain the gift that kids are until you have one of your own.
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female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (30 December 2012):
 I'm not going to quote everyone else, they seem to have it in a nutshell, but i will suggest you take a look at this website (recommended by the NHS and myself personally) and fill in the form, it may give you a better idea of what you want and how you feel about the whole suituation.http://www.mariestopes.org.uk/AbortionCounc.aspxThey also give you the option to talk to a really lovely medical professional online anonymously about any worry you may have.Good luckxx
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 December 2012):
I echo everyone else here in saying that this is your choice, not his, and that you will have to live with the effects of it.
At this point, it's not about your ex. It's about you and your unborn child. You're worried about bringing up a child whose father hates you? The child will love you, and you will love the child! Whether or not your ex has any interest is now irrelevant. You are the one with the interest. If this child is born, your ex has legal and financial obligations he can't wriggle out of. As for you, it's for YOU and nothing else whether you want to become a mom. You will likely be a single mom, but many happy successful kids grow up and become strong from a good house.
If you in your own heart decide you want to walk away from this, then yes, you can choose. I caution you, this is no small decision. Leave this ex alone forever. Don't let him get you to tumble back into bed with him. That is a horrible decision that has already revealed the nastiness that's in him. If you walk away and choose to terminate the pregnancy, take this as a major change in your life and never again give into the destructive habits that get you into these situations. Otherwise, you'll find yourself back here, whether it's pregnancy or getting involved with a toxic guy. We tend to repeat our insanity unless the lesson life has taught us sinks in.
Good luck in whatever choice you make. There are pros and cons either way.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 December 2012):
Do what YOU want and do not accept pressures.
He was old enough to know that when you have unprotected sex it may result in a baby. If he was so dead set against having a child, he could have abstained from intercourse or at least used protection.
( This of course applies to you too, but at least you are willing to deal with the consequences )
Mind you, I am pro-choice, and if YOU feel you have good reasons to terminate this pregnancy , go ahead. Just, I don't think that " I was too drunk / lazy / cheap to buy condoms " is such an excellent reason to make YOU have an abortion.
I don't think he would actually hate you , but if he does, do you really care ? I bet you have better things in life to do , than worry about being popular with an ex fuck buddy.
He may not take an interest in your child , true. The cynical me wants to say " Oh well, as long as the judge MAKES him interested enough to pay child support..." but yes, it's a sad thing for a child to grow up ignored by his father. Then again,there are many single mothers who can take the role , do the job, and give the love of two parents ( or more ..) , so , if you think you could be among them, ignore what your ex has got to say.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 December 2012):
All you can do is figure out what YOU want. You know how he feels and I don't think he will change his mind once the child is there.
Are YOU ready to become a single mom ?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 Whether it would be a traumatic emotional decision, only you would know. It also depends on your morals. Yes, single parents can do well, but a single woman with no baggage does better.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 December 2012):
What do you want? He might be pressuring you in to an abortion but it’s not him who’ll have to go through it. It’s no quick fix to the problem of an unwanted pregnancy, it’s a huge and emotionally traumatic decision to make. So do what you want. If you keep the baby he might change his attitude when its born. Now it’s a problem to him, I wonder if it’ll be such a troublesome inconvenience when it’s a living, breathing thing, his flesh and blood? And even if he doesn’t warm to it and step up to the plate as a father, although the circumstances are not ideal there are many women out there doing a great job as single parents. What children need is to have confidence that they’re loved, do you honestly think that you couldn’t give that to your child whatever the father’s attitude? Perhaps he’s worrying that he’ll have to pay for his child. Well it’s a bit too late for that. You both chose to have sex and have to accept the consequences. For him that might mean paying his fair share.
I wish you all the very best.
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