A
male
age
41-50,
*ohnR
writes:I (we've) got a little problem (or not). My wife is always very honest with me. She has never slept with anyone but me, but I know the first names of a few guys she dated and fooled around with some prior to me. Anyway, we bought our house a little while ago, and as typical of us, we drag all kinds of stuff with us. I told her I was cleaning out our nightstands in the master bedroom while watching the football game the other day (both full of old junk, receipts, etc.). Well in the bottom back of hers I found one of those envelopes that photos come in (Not really unusual, we have a bunch, some photos make it to albums, others are resigned to live in their little envelopes). This had her maiden name on it, so I looked, and boy what an eyefull. There was a bunch of photos of this guy, up to and including naked. Even a few where he had an erection! I think from her descriptions, that I know this was one of my wife's former boyfriends.What do I do? I have 3 actions I can think of, please give me your opinion, or suggest another action. 1). Just shred and throw out the photos, consider it something she forgot about.2). Throw them out, but tell her I found them, and confront her with why she still had them.3). Show them to her, and ask why she is keeping them (don't really want her looking at photos of a naked guy she fooled around with, but maybe there are some things I need to find out, however, if it was just an honest she forgot to toss them, then I'll be bringing this up for nothing).Thanks for your suggestions. I just found these this past weekend, and have hidden them. I'm going to do something about it by this weekend coming up. Thanks again.
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male
reader, JohnR +, writes (4 December 2007):
JohnR is verified as being by the original poster of the question DONE. Shredded and burned this past weekend. Never to be brought up again (unless like I said, she finds something old of mine). Although, I think next time I'm in the attic, I'm gonna look through some of those old boxes and if I find anything of mine, I'm gonna toss them right away so she won't have to be this site asking what to do.Thanks everyone!
A
female
reader, sinders  +, writes (1 December 2007):
Just throw them!!! She married you not him. They are only pictures. Get rid and treat her to that special meal, I'm sure she'll love you all the more.
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A
male
reader, JohnR +, writes (1 December 2007):
JohnR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to the last post, yes my wife was a virgin when we got engaged. Don't know why you would post this stupid answer, but...
We discussed her past before we got engaged, and this guy was someone she fooled around with (he was the first guy she gave a BJ), but she has never ever had sex with anyone but me. That isn't even anywhere near the subject of my question and subsequent posts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): She has a whole set of photos of her ex boyfriend of him with erections. And you think she is a virgin???
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A
male
reader, JohnR +, writes (30 November 2007):
JohnR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't think so. She gave up the right to the pics when we got married. I also have no problems with my manly-ness. I only meant that this guy isn't some hot model or porno star material, so I can't see her keeping them as a turn-on. Based on where they were and the dust on the envelope, I'm sticking with they were forgotton, and bringing them up will only open up memories that aren't wanted/desired by anyone.
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A
female
reader, Seratuki +, writes (29 November 2007):
 Okay, I can see your point in wanting to just toss them...but they are not yours to throw out! You need to have respect for her things and ask HER to throw them out...
and your comment about the size of this guys private parts proves that you're feeling insecure in your manly-ness....
Again, give the pictures back to her and ask her to dispose of them....
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (28 November 2007):
 Good for you, man. You're doing the right thing, trust me on this. Burn the pics and forget about it. You never have to bring it up either.
I agree..she doesn't have the right to keep those pictures. She's married to you, and he is history.
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A
male
reader, JohnR +, writes (28 November 2007):
JohnR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers. I'm a little surprised, except for SamuraiRick, they were either not really helpfull, or just plain wrong/stupid. How can anyone even think that she would have a right to keep these pictures? When you get married, you have no right to keep pictures of an ex, especially naked! Maybe some pictures of a time together (but only with the husband's permission), but definately there is NO right to keep naked pictures of an ex.
I've already decided, based on where I found them, they were still in the envelope for probably years, and mixed up with a bunch of other trash, that my wife just plain forgot about them. If I mentioned them, I know she'd say 'I don't want to see them, just throw them out'. I'm going to shred them, and either throw in trash, or burn in our fireplace this weekend when we have a fire (and romantic dinner), won't I be laughing inside at this naked guy burning up in my fire!
After this, it is completely forgotten. I know she dated this guy, I was just concerned she was keeping the pictures for some reason (not sure why, he doesn't have that great a body and has a smaller penis than me, but I already knew that from our pre-marriage conversations about past boyfriends/girlfriends). I'm sure now (and yes the envelope was a little dusty) that is was just forgotten, who knows, I could have junk (no pictures, but old notes or phone#'s) buried in a box somewhere I've forgotten. If we ever find any, I'll be sure to say to my wife, 'oh yeah, a few years ago I threw out some pics of TJ, so let's just throw this out too.....'
Again, Thanks, -John
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (28 November 2007):
At the risk of sounding like the lone Bull in the China shop I have to be frank here. Tear up the pictures! If she ever brings it up to and is inquiring with something like: “Oh honey, I had some naked pictures of an old boyfriend I’ve been missing. Do you know where they are?”---That’s the time you talk to her about it. If she truly forgot about them, then it will never come up, BUT if she always knew where they are….hell, that when its time to find out why she’d been keeping them.
And one more thing, don’t ever be fooled into thinking she will be TOTALLY
honest with you. It’s a woman’s right to keep secrets. And it’s perfectly ok if she has secrets from you. But it’s the secrets that hurt you that can mean something. Naked pictures of an old boyfriend …that hurts. Don’t ignore that. Some women can get hurt if their men look at porn, and the same applies the other way around, but it’s something you don’t hear argued about, because mostly men look at porn.
Sure you can put it away and forget about it…but you WON’T forget about it. It will eat you up inside. So what WILL happen if you do put them back? You will eventually get eaten up inside so much it will have to come out….you will ask her about it, in whatever politically correct way you can say it, and you and her will get into a very serious and potentially volatile argument.
If you value your marriage and want to avoid a needless fight, I say you tear up the pictures, or dig up a six foot hole and bury them forever. Do you have a lighter? Fire works pretty good.
After you destroy the evidence NEVER EVER tell her about it. It is officially forgotten. You never saw them.
Good luck, my friend. In the balance a lot of people here are going to give you some bad advice destined to get you in to an unnecessary battle with you wife. Do not fall for this trap. Save you marriage and destroy the photos.
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A
female
reader, KeRrI117 +, writes (27 November 2007):
 well yes it is her past life and also by the looks of things its making you feel insecure so yes if you want to talk about it with her talk about it but dont go over the top, obviousley they have been there for a wile so maybe she did forget about them but also maybe she didnt.Also if they where anything important dont you think she would have hidden them from you...... Think about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): Let her decide whether or not she wants to keep them. Don't start getting paranoid and assuming that she still lusts after him or whatever. Chances are she has forgotten all about them (or she wouldn't have let you clean out her drawers). It's her past and her decision, so leave them out with a note that says you don't mind if she keeps them but that you weren't sure where to put them. She'll probably laugh when she sees them. Treat them like you would anything else you found of hers when you were unsure what to do with it. Don't throw them away without her permission. It will make you look bad.
You must trust her since (by your own admission) she is very honest with you all the time, so don't assume ANYTHING. She is probably very faithful to you and likely has no interest in him or his erect penis. I'm guessing she'll look at them, laugh and throw them away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): I think you should either
A. Be honest and tell her you came across them, had a look and ask if she wants to keep them. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know (am guessing though she doesnt know they are there) and it saves you looking insecure by giving her the choice.
OR
B. Throw them out and never mention them or worry about them again. If they are mildly meaningful to her then at some point she will look for them and assume they got lost in the move or she threw them out. If not u think she would confront you as to whether you found some pics of a naked guy? I dont think so.
Seriously, the pics are just in amoungst other stuff and have probably been unintentionally kept, theres no reason to make an un-needed scene, especially where you end up looking like a plonker!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (27 November 2007):
 Dude,
sounds like you had to dust these off:). I'm sure she's forgotten about them as well.
If they were under her pillow you could have cause for concern, but it looks like she has consigned these memories to the past life section - hidden away .
forget about it. It's no big deal.
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A
female
reader, Mic-a-lic +, writes (27 November 2007):
Just forget about it and put it away. I'm sure there are some things that you have that she doesn't know about!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): hi.
This is coming from a woman who has only had 1 partner too (although i have no past men in my life either!) I dont think personally its your right to dispose of the photos as these are not your property. If a relationship is going to work or last, "honesty is the best policy" you should be able to say "hey hun, what are these"? without jelousy rearing its ugly head. If you know her well enough then you will be able to tell by her reaction if she is keeping them from you for a reason. Then its her choice what she does with the photos and yours to react to her decision.
Her past is her past, you are her future.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (27 November 2007):
 You missed number 4
4) Put them back and say nothing.
It was a time before she met you. You have no automatic right to know about it.
Up until you found them - you didn't know. Put them back and forget it. She chose you to marry. She loves you. She can't be expected to give you every last detail about her sexual life before you.
Here's a little quote from a fellow American :
"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."
-George Burns, [At age 87; he lived to be 100]
Good luck
Richard
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A
female
reader, clh91 +, writes (27 November 2007):
 i'd probs just ask her in a calm voice that u were clearing up and you stumbled across these pictures and was wondering of who it was just in case and why she had kept them.
therefore by keeping a calm voice it won't seem like ur making this into a big deal
hope i helped :)
feel free to mail me about anything if u want to chat
xxx
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