A
female
age
36-40,
**
writes:I was dating a man for 3 months and a week ago I found out that he is married. His wife read my message on his phone, contacted me and told me that they've known each other for 11 years, are married, have a 6 year old child and that she's now pregnant with his second child. I had doubts about my boyfriend's behaviour but he always denied being married whenever I confronted him...so I was shocked when the truth came out. I told his wife that I had no idea of him having a wife and apologised for what she had to go through (must have been a shock for her also and felt more sorry for her since she's pregnant). A day later, he texted me with "very sorry for lying to you. Things are very different here. Anyway I should have been more honest with you, am sorry". I replied to him that whatever has happened will stay between us and that I hope he fixes things with his wife.After that, neither of us contacted each other...I'm glad the truth came out but I can't help looking at facebook profile of his wife and see the family pics all looking happy. I'm thinking to myself that the wife forgave him and they are all together and happy again while I'm left with nothing.He's indian and from the looks of things, it was an arranged marriage...or marriage of convenience. So I can't help thinking that maybe he was really falling for me and not just in it for sex. I don't know if he'll ever come back but I also know that it's very unlikely that an Indian man will divorce his wife and start a new life with another woman...right? Would appreciate your opinions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): This sounds like a situation a GF of mine was involved in.She met this man at work, got together with him, displayed all sorts of strange behavior and as of last summer found out that he had a live in GF.Now mind you he kept going to see my friend(which currently is still going on)BUT I told her that ANY person married or not that steps out of what they have at home has NO respect for any of the people involved.How can he if he's creeping to another woman's bed?The sad part is that these types of men WILL keep the GAME going for as long as the other person allows it.This one my GF is involved with is no different.He'll be back when he feels good and ready.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): "I told his wife that I had no idea of him having a wife and apologised for what she had to go through (must have been a shock for her also and felt more sorry for her since she's pregnant)."
For her, you've done all you need to do.
"I'm thinking to myself that the wife forgave him and they are all together and happy again while I'm left with nothing."
They are not happy, she is not happy, and their cultural differences have nothing to do with it...she almost certainly hates being left in this position, I think I can say that without exception, although there are certainly exceptions.
In fact, she's the one who is left with "nothing", because you can go on to find a man who might be honest, open, and faithful to you...she cannot.
I was married once to a muslim woman, whose culture allowed multiple wives for the man, and a number of men, including her father and uncle had two wives. I knew a lot of muslim women, and they were very educated and outspoken.
She was with me because she never wanted that type of marriage, or to be relegated to a "secondary position" or "older wife".
Let me tell you, these wives who were "first wife" hated it when they became "second", without exception, and never thought their husbands would do to them what had been done to their mothers and by their fathers. They feel like they are being shit on, or told "you are old and boring now, I need someone young, attractive, and not boring". Yeah, it was always that way, the "second wife" is younger almost without exception, sometimes as young as the older children from the first wife.
Of course, culturally, they didn't have any other options.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 it is really shitty that he did this to you and his wife. you feel like you are left out in the cold with nothing but please try not to think that way - you have been given the truth and you have been give your freedom back - so you can now move on and eventually find someone who deserves you, instead of having your time wasted by this lying scumbag.
you are hurting now, but this will not last forever, believe me. if his wife had not told you the truth he would still be with you now, using you and lying to your face. does that make you feel good about him?? i don't know if if he will ever leave his wife but i hope if does and he lands on your doorstep you will have the sense to tell him to p*** off. whether his marriage was arranged or not, whether he really loves you or not - he has disrespected you big time by lying to you like that. my cousin had the same thing done to her, by a policeman of all things! it is a rotten thing to do
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): First of all, come on guys! She's done nothing wrong here - she was taken in by a plausible guy, who lied, lied, lied to her. On top of that he also lied to his wife and his beautiful kids. Sure, someone deserves a tongue-lashing here, but it's HIM, not her! It's not like she set out to have an affair.
OP - what you're feeling isn't rational - but it is completely normal. You've had a huge shock. You feel upset, and part of you feels rejected, as if he has chosen another woman over you. You're getting distracted by that feeling into wishing yourself in her shoes.
Take a step back. The real question is this: why on EARTH would you want someone who could do that to his wife and his children? I don't care what extenuating circumstances there are: an honorable, worthwhile guy does NOT behave in this way. He doesn't lie to his family, and he doesn't deceive a beautiful young girl like you and then leave you. He must always have known that his behaviour would wreak this hurt on you, and yet here you are, ready to forgive him! It makes no sense!
You ask whether he really loved you. First of all, if he really did love you, he'd have left his family to be with you. He hasn't. That suggests he made a cold, calculating decision to have an affair. Second of all, I doubt whether someone who can do that to his own children really has the capacity to love anyone. He is NO GOOD - and when you look at those family pictures, you should feel thankful that you've escaped, not jealous! Imagine the hell his wife will have to go through every day from now on... I wouldn't wish that on anyone. You can never, ever trust this guy again - so why would you want him anywhere in your life?
Walk away in conscious innocence - what he did will hurt for a while, but you'll be glad you did in a few months.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 You haven't done anything to be ashamed of YET. I'd keep it that way if I were you. Three months wasted is a heap better than 3 years or 3 decades.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): "... I was not to blame and if his children and wife need him, I want him in my life too...."
this is the crux of the matter. speaks volumes of our OPS integrity and her being perceived as a homewrecker.
Op now that u know he is married with 1 kid and another one on its way, and YOU STILL CHOOSE TO SLEEP WITH A MARRIED MAN well then , that is that.
No amount of any of our advice will make you think and do differently. so become the homewrecker and dont think that he wont do it to you as well.
well i feel sorry for his wife and kid.......they deserve better than this cheating louse.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, L* +, writes (27 July 2011):
L* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy cares , thanks for calling me naive. Your 'worldwise' answer and line of reasoning truly helped me in being less naive!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 July 2011):
 There is the main difference - 'want' and 'need'. The kids need a dad, whereas you simply 'want' him for selfish reasons. I'm not saying you are selfish, just that you only want him because you have feelings for him, you are attracted to him etc. You dont 'need' those feelings for him, they are not a neccessary part of your life and you can go on to find other men who you would feel the same way for. Whereas the kids only have 1 dad, they will never love any other father like they love him - they need him to be around and be a good father to them. That is more important than you 'wanting' him.
I am not saying you have done anything wrong, you didnt know he was married and he lied to you - he is totally in the wrong. However if you choose to persue him and keep contacting him now, despite knowing about his wife and family - that would be wrong.
I didnt mean 'learn your lesson' because you did something wrong - you should learn something from every experience in life, whether it is a good one or bad one. If you only learnt from your bad experiences you would not be a very balanced person would you! So here you have the opportunity to learn something from this:
1. You had doubts about his behaviour. Lesson to be learned - trust your instincts, you were right so listen to yourself more.
2. You said to him in a message "I hope you fix things with your wife" when the truth is you would like him to leave her for you. Lesson to be learned - dont lie, and if you are hurt be honest and tell him how hurt you are. Dont just cover it up and be nice by saying "I hope things work out for you".
3. You cant stop looking at his facebook. Lesson to be learned - facebook stalking only drags out the pain, delete his account and dont go on facebook until you can trust yourself again to not look at his page.
These are just 3 lessons you can learn from your experience, never ever think that just because you were the innocent party that means you can just forget about it and not learn a thing. There are lots of lessons to be learned from many situations, you would be wise to stop and think a bit more so you can prevent yourself from ending up in situations like this in the future. Maybe now you have experienced this you will be able to spot a married man far easier in the future and wont allow yourself to be hurt like this again. Something like that is a valuable lesson learnt.
Sorry if I made out you were the guilty party in this, that was never my intention. You havent done anything wrong, he is an awful man for doing this to you and his wife. But you have the chance now to learn from this experience and move on, leaving him and his family alone to work on their own problems. You cant have him and you know that, so just let it go and in time you will heal and feel better about it all.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 July 2011):
 Dear fellow Italian, ( but, tbh, I have some doubts that you truly are Italian, no Italian woman would be so naive- Italian girls are BORN worldwise,lol ) that' s a strange way of reasoning. My neighbour has a fantastic car ,that I would like to have in my life, problem is, that's HER car, not mine, and if I want one I'll have to get my own. You only knew one week ago that he is married with children, so you have been fooled and it's not (all ) your fault , but now that you know for sure, why do you insist in thinking of him as fair game. He's married, hunting season is over.
If you are so sure he loves you, then tell him he needs to divorce and only after that you'll be together. See what he replies .
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A
female
reader, missy_musk +, writes (27 July 2011):
 stay away hun. he is married and thats that! do you really think he would be willing to leave his unborn child and other very young child when there is a chance he wouldnt be able to see them again? he may well love you but im willing to bet that there is no way he would walk away from his family. remove him from facebook, go out with some girlies and find someone who is single and who wont blatently lie to you!! your worth more!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 July 2011):
I don't think his family also arranged for him to have sex with his wife and impregnate her twice. He must have been not totally extraneous to that, don't you think ?
One could have given him the benefit of doubt if he had came clean from the start "Look, I am trapped in an arranged marriage, in my country blah blah ". But he lied about his status, and when confronted, he lied again. Repeatedly. Common sense suggests the very strong possibility that yes, he wanted to screw you over, and his intentions toward you were always far from honourable.
The chances that he may get divorced are, as you assume, very very slim, but even if he did, how could you ever trust a man like that ?
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A
female
reader, L* +, writes (27 July 2011):
L* is verified as being by the original poster of the questionk_c..thanks for your answer although I disagree with you on many points. Why are you telling me to learn my lesson? I didn't do anything wrong. I was not to blame and if his children and wife need him, I want him in my life too.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 July 2011):
Look - his wife is pregnant with their second child, if he really was so unhappy with his marriage he would not be having sex with his wife, let alone expanding their family.
Yes the culture in India is different, perhaps it was an arranged marriage - but many people have very happy arranged marriages and stay together for a lifetime. An arranged marriage doesnt always mean they are unhappy. But you are totally right - he will never divorce his wife and leave his 2 children. It is very shameful to get divorced in Indian culture, and with 2 young children the chances of him ever leaving her are so small.
All you can do is move on - leave them alone to get on with their lives. It is hardly surprising the wife has forgiven him, she is pregnant after all and will want her children to have their father around. So let this one go - he was wrong to lie and she really shouldnt have taken him back, but you can also do better than a liar and a cheat. If he is happy to cheat on her, even when she is pregnant, then he would happily cheat on you too if you were ever together.
Put this down as a bad experience, learn your lesson and move on. There are plenty of nice single guys out there, dont waste your time with a married man. His children need him, his wife needs him....whereas you can be without him and be far happier with another guy than you ever could be with him.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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