A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:recently my husband went on a trip with the boys. which he often does. I have always had great trust in our relationship. He called and texted everyday to check in. Upon returned, he asked if the washing machine was empty while he was still in the doorway because he said his clothes smelled smokey. This felt odd and made me think he was trying to hide something. So I did something I probably shouln't have and looked at his phone. He has a text from the guy he was with reading "Dont forget we have to go the tour in the AM!!!" and his response was "I'm trying to make this quick". He then has other calls to the 2 other guys he was with at 5:00 in the morning. The bars closed at 2.I dont know what to think. I told him my gut feeling is that something bad happened and he of course told me nothing bad on his part. What do I do. He doesn't know I looked at his phone.
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female
reader, Alittlebroken  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I would recommend confronting him about this- god knows why other people are advising you to just ignore it! I completely agree with anonymous- better to talk about it now than be sorry in the future. If you confront him and he has nothing to hide- you will have nothing to worry about. If you confront him and you can tell he's lying- you will know that something went on. Only you know your husband and if you think he is acting suspicious I would ask him about it rather than bury your head in the sand.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): I think I am on another planet than the Aunts who have responded but here goes:
- "something"transpired at the boys trip. Whether hooking up with another woman, only he and his friends know and they are covering for him. Or perhaps whatever it is , it was harmless.
- I am astounded that some have called you out for 'snooping' (cell phone) . Look at it in this way: I wish more partners 'snooped' prior to, than now being faced with impending divorces. 'Snooping' is just a 'relationship check', so to all men and women, do a bit of snooping and save yourselves an impending nightmare. Snooping is good, just like a small tot before going to bed! It means that you have a vested interest in protecting your territory.
- to all those who believes that only sea fishing happens during boys weekends,think again. We own a holiday home at the coast and our 'good family men' renting the place have from time to time left their used/unused condoms for the maid to clean. Our neighbours also complained that a church group were making inquiries about the 'good women of the night' while on a church outing. So now tell me that no hanky panky happens while on boys weekends away (sometime it is very kosher, and just a boys weekend with no mischief)
- dear OP, where was your hb ? Certainly not with the boys during the text msg. Did he spend the night elsewhere or a few hours away from the boys.
-how often do they go away? And where do they go away.
- you know your hb best so you know something happened. If he did have sex then think realistically - what about stds/ stis? A health risk
- I know you are scared to admit to him you checked up on him. We can all bullshit each other about trust but when your interest is peeked and your gut tells you something is amiss, then what? Do you just things be, and pretend all is well. Hell no. You do what it takes to protect your interest. You do not have to accuse him. Just general probing.just what did you guys fo, where did you go, did you guys separate while on the trip. General probing to get to the truth. May be harmless, but really, Aunts, we want to all take the high road and say nothing was amiss BUT let's be realistic. The hubby was not with his friends when the text msg was sent. That is for certain. Perhaps it was just a friendly reminder while he was in the toilet, or taking a shower. Hey the possibilities are endless BUT let's agree, he was not with his buds at the time.
- so what now. Pretend and let this kill you slowly? Or slowly uncover his secret? The choice is yours. And plse do not feel guilty that you checked his cell. Its called a relationship check. Look at it like this: in a work environment we check our policies and procedures, we have controls in place, if it is ineffective once testing, we replace it with an effective control.
- OP , in your heart I think you know that some hanky panky went on. So stratigise and then TALK to him, tell him you are not fighting, you are not accusing, you are merely telling him what you found out when you checked his cell. Be honest and be direct.
- thank goodness your gut instinct kicked in and you checked the cell, you would be non the wiser that the guys away trip was anything but a 'fishing' trip
- also be aware that if you start questioning the friends they will all be each others alibi.
Perhaps I am on another planet and perhaps I am reading too much into this, but better realistic than sorry.
Take care
-LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): You know, I would not even worry about it. It is ado about nothing. First of all, my opinion is that you should not spy on your husband, you should not look at his cell phone. If you dont trust him, leave him is what I say. There has to be a compelling reason for you to do that...from what you have told us there is nothing to suggest he did anything wrong. Take it from a guy....a guy is not going to go out with other guys to get laid. If he was out alone I would worry a bit. Maybe, just maybe they went to a strip joint. Not a big deal, guys do this kind of stuff all the time, your not going to get laid at a strip joint, you may get a woody and lose some cash but that is about it.
Now you have opened Pandora's box. I would close it ASAP.
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Whatever you think you saw, get it out of your head. Get it out of your head and don't look in his phone again unless you're prepared to deal with what you might find. If you confront him he's going to explain it away then be mad at you for snooping. You're not going to believe what he says if you're already suspicious. Stop thinking about it.
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A
female
reader, VikkiDec1 +, writes (24 August 2010):
 If you do not bring up anything about it, you will torture yourself everyday not knowing what is going on. I would tell him you were suspicious and that u looked at his phone. If he loves and cares about you, he may be mad at first, but he will respect that you want to work things out.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Personally, I don't see anything wrong with the texts, they weren't from a woman. So I'm not seeing the red flags. Trying to decipher texts is something we women aren't good at just yet. The may come off one way to you but could totally mean something else, they're never just plain and simple. Did you start at the beginning on the conversation? You have 2 options here.
1. Tell him you were looking at his for something, and came across this text that seemed a little off to you, what is it about? You risk getting into an argument about the classic "why were you snooping, do you not trust me?" bit. Which will cause some friction, but then again if he's getting all defensive and they're nothing that would make me raise an eyebrow. Most guys I know will explain calmly, and show their wife what it is if they ask..Then you got your other handful will get mad at the fact you snooped through their stuff. But, I thought when we got married we shared everything, and if the phone bill is in your name then you have every right.
2. Or you could take these texts as they're not from a woman, so why am I worrying? I'm looking into more than I should, then just brush it off as nothing. Think is it really worth getting into a potential fight? Pick and choose your battles.
I recommend number 2, however if you're one of those people that this is going to bother you to no end then you have no choice but to go with number one. Let's just hope that he can calmly explain it to you and not get mad. Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Hmmm....that could mean anything. So far, there's nothing I'm reading in that phone call that suggests that he's being unfaithful or anything, especially since there's nothing "bragadocious" in the texts, meaning there's no reference to "what a hot evening" or some comment about a woman's body or teasing about being spent or something to that nature or even "will there be breakfast in the morning" or something.
Being in a smoky place could even mean that he spent some time at the casino (here where I come from, that's the only public place left where smoking is allowed - not even the bars allow it anymore).
I would suggest that you say absolutely *nothing* to him. If your wind is up that there's something suspicious, don't let HIM know that. Mentally file this occurance and keep your eyes open on your charge accounts, bank accounts, HIS credit score (to see if there were any secret charge accounts opened and the bills re-routed to a PO box or something).
Did you break trust with your husband's phone? I say no, because he is your husband, and if he were acting strange, there's no way you'll get the truth by asking him.
But again, stay QUIET about your private surveillance/research. If it turns out to be nothing, you never have to say a word to him. But if it's something, and your research turns up more incriminating evidence, you'll be able to come to him with proof to back up your position.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Well, you are in a bit of a predicament now. For one, the messages that you saw are pretty tough to decipher without knowing the context of the situation. And for another, what if this situation turns out to be nothing? Then you've broken the trust you had with him, and basically accused him of lying when he may not have been dishonest with you at all.
OR...
Maybe your instincts are right. Maybe he's not telling you the whole truth. In which case, you have every right to confront him. Just be wary of the backlash that may ensue when he finds out you snooped his phone.
masq
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A
female
reader, Jesc +, writes (24 August 2010):
 First. Altho what you did is bad. You should also know because you are in fear your mind will jump to things that might not be real.Second. You need to talk to him. Be honest. Tell him," I felt something was wrong so I looked threw your phone during which I found these "Texts" Please tell me what's this about." or something between those lines.The more honest you are with him, the better you will feel. So just try. If you still feel something is up with his answer given to you. Then your trust in him is gone. IF he over reacts to you looking at his phone(Now I mean WAY over reacts.) Then you might as well know something is up.
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