A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't want to sound conceited or like I'm being an attention seeker but I'm due to get married in 1 year and i feel as though I'm too ugly to be a bride. I hate having my photo taken and I even discussed with my fiancé about not having a photographer and i dont want guests taking pictures of me but he told me to stop being stupid and that we need to have 1 and we can't stop guests from taking pictures.I don't want people looking at me all day, I'm going to feel really ugly and self conscious. To be honest I want to get married but not with all the guests and attention but unfortunately due to religion and large families I don't have a choice with cutting down on guests.I had some minor cosmetic surgery done already to give me some confidence and I may get some more things done to feel better.Also I've not met all my fiancé's family but I know a couple of his cousins are stunning and I know that even in my dress and with my hair and make up done I'm going to look frumpy next to them. I just want to cry and even had thoughts about breaking up with my fiance so I don't have to get married.I've told my close friend about how I feel and she told me to see my doctor ... What exactly am I going to say " can you help me as I feel too ugly to get married " there's people with serious illnesses and I'm being vain - my doctor will just laugh at me and I'll be a time waster.I've never been confident about how I look - I have lost weight and try different make up / hairstyles but I feel no matter what i do I still look plain and frumpy.Can anyone help? Thanks x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): Hi, I'm the original poster& let me say THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to respond, I'm overwhelmed -I want expecting it all.
Just to clarify & answer a few questions...
I don't consider myself attractive as I have a square face shape- from the side i look ok but front facing I feel I look manly. I also have horrible crooked teeth which was what I meant when I said about getting more cosmetic treatment - to fix my teeth.
I just look at other women & wish I could look like that.
I have a spotty back & no matter what I use it won't go. My wedding dress will be coveting a lot of me up as I'm so self conscious.
There are other aspects of myself I don't like but I won't go in to that now.
Unfortunately the wedding is paid for therefore if we cancel we will lose a lot of money so running away & having an intimate ceremony (as lovely as it sounds) is not possible now.
I appreciate I need to see my Dr or get some therapy for how I feel... But I just need the courage to make the appointment..
I guess I've never seen an "ugly" bride before- and I'm sure it's because of how happy they are in the day... That glow .., I'm scared I will lack that as I will be a nervous wreck so instead if a glowing happy bride I no doubt will be a dithering, shaky,pale mess....
To the person who shared the links- thanks, I will access them tonight to look at.
Thank you all once again for being so kind& understanding& offering such wonderful advice. X
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 April 2013):
 OP, you do need help but not a medical doctor. You need to work with a therapist that can help you see that you have "stinkin thinkin". It's a common ailment among younger women.
I doubt to me you look plain and frumpy. And I doubt anyone else in your world thinks you are plain and frumpy.
and we all want to be the most beautiful bride there is..... and we all are.
I know that NOTHING we say will change how you feel about yourself. and that's sad to me. I hope beyond hope you can find a therapist to help you work through your self-hatred.
I am old enough to be your mom and I have been a beautiful bride FOUR TIMES. The last at age 52 with all eyes on me... and a video on YOUTUBE... some of the aunties here have seen it.. I'm no prize honey I walk with a limp, I'm short, I'm overweight, I have saggy skin from age and from losing over 100 pounds, and guess what... I WAS a glowing stunning beautiful bride... know why? BECAUSE I LOOKED down the aisle and I saw the man that I loved that loved me back..and when he grinned at me in my dress that he had not seen, we all smiled and everyone was BEAUTIFUL.... because LOVE makes you beautiful.
Just like when you have a baby he or she will be the most beautiful baby in the world.
NO ONE thinks they are the best thing out there... I am sure if you ask some of the women who are considered the most beautiful women in the world every one of them can give you a list of all the things wrong with them.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (30 April 2013):
 Why on earth do you think you are so ugly? What is it specifically that you don't like about yourself?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): 'I don't want people looking at me all day, I'm going to feel really ugly and self conscious. To be honest I want to get married but not with all the guests and attention.' but unfortunately due to religion and large families I don't have a choice with cutting down on guests.'
Sweetheart, you know exactly what YOU want. You don't want people looking at you all day and you know how it is going to make you feel. You know that you want to get married.
**Do what you want**
Marriage is two people vowing to cherish each other for life. It can be as simple as going to the Registrar's office and getting it done there with just yourself, the groom and your respective parents. It really does not need to be more complicated than that.
'unfortunately due to religion and large families I don't have a choice with cutting down on guests.'
**You do have a choice**
Let them take offense if they choose. Let people disapprove of an intimate wedding. That's their choice.
If you have a wedding that's purely to please other people, that you know is going to make you feel like shit on the day. What's the point? Don't do it!
I know what i've suggested is a superficial problem solver. But I also have enough experience of low self esteem issues to know that they don't suddenly go away. It's something that you keep working at steadily over the years. It is only going to reinforce your negative perception if you see someone who you think looks gorgeous on your wedding day. You're clearly not ready to put yourself out of your comfort zone like that.
I'd agree with the other aunts and say you need therapy.
'What exactly am I going to say " can you help me as I feel too ugly to get married " there's people with serious illnesses and I'm being vain - my doctor will just laugh at me and I'll be a time waster.'
From what you've said, you know objectively that your feelings are irrational. So again, speaking from experience, I know that this makes it difficult to ask for help. But what have you got to lose? Worst case scenario, doctor laughs and you're no worse of than you were. Best case scenario, doctor tells you that you're not being petty, lots of other people are in the same boat and you discuss the things that make you fulfilled and increase your self esteem.
You have a wonderful man and you sound like you're great for each other. Do what works for you and screw other people's expectations of your union.
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (30 April 2013):
 I can totally relate to this. I got married in December last year and due to various medications etc, I was bloated in the face, I had piled on the pounds, my skin and hair looked terrible, etc, etc and I felt exactly as you do. But, my partner wanted to marry me and we wanted to make it an occasion with friends and family. So, we didn't opt for a professional photographer and got a friend to take random snaps, and I was quite unaware that this was happening. There were very few posed photographs. I had my hair done at a hairdressers on the day (which made me feel better) and a friend did my make-up etc. Then I put the dress on and everything just sort of came together and I felt OK about myself. The day rushes past too so you'll be too busy to be self conscious. I was so happy to be marrying my partner, that my big smile said it all anyway and that is what people have remembered from the day!!
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (30 April 2013):
 I had a friend who underwent cosmetic surgery due to his lack of confidence in his facial looks. Sure enough he had a valid reason and a superficial reason, yet important to him for wanting this done. And in short; the surgery ‘did not’ greatly boost his chances with the girls; because his character wasn’t nice to begin with! Had he had a personality transplant that would have put him in the running…
So the moral of this story is…?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): Talking to a counselor is all about talking to the RIGHT counselor...if yours doesn't respect your problems, find another one who will!! But at least give it a chance, I know it's hard to talk about your fears with your therapist, but it will really make you feel better!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): Sweetheart you must look like something to your husband to be stop being hard on yourself everybody has beauty about themselves whether they know it or not.Just look in the mirror and say to your self I Know That I Am Somebody Because GOD Doesn't Make Junk!:)
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (30 April 2013):
 Hi there. I'm really sorry that you feel this way. It may seem like a silly problem to some but feeling fat or ugly can be devastating. We live in a sad, materialistic world that is completely obsessed with surface beauty, and those who don't conform to the ideal standard of "beauty" are left feeling like freaks. A lot of people have fat days or ugly days, but if you have one of those every day that is too much. You can't go through life feeling bad every single day because of how you look. Also, considering breaking up with your fiancé, a man who loves you enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you, because of this would be madness. I think you should see a counsellor, because your negativity about yourself might be caused by a deep-rooted issue that you could work on together with a professional. If your self-esteem is low, people can tell you a thousand times that you're beautiful and you'll never believe it because maybe one person once told you you were ugly. Don't have any more surgery, at least for the time being. I'm not against surgery, I know people who have had procedures done with amazing results but I don't think you're having them done for the right reasons. If you have one thing done because you think it will fix your face, and then afterwards instead of feeling satisfied you find something else that you need to fix, then you have a problem. People destroy their faces and bodies this way because they can't stop. They think that every operation will be the solution and when it's not, instead of accepting that their self-loathing comes from the inside, they look for another way to fix themselves. It's extremely destructive. It's OK to go to your doctor about this. You don't have to say exactly what it is you're concerned about. Ask to be referred to a counsellor because you have very low self-esteem and it's affecting your life and the decisions you make and you feel that you need to talk to someone. But don't let the doctor fob you off by telling you you're depressed and giving you antidepressants. It sounds like you are depressed but I think you need to talk to someone and get to the bottom of why you feel like this. I'm going to say also that it doesn't matter what the cousins or any of the other guests look like at the wedding. People aren't going to go there to see them, they're going there to see you and your husband celebrating your love on what should be one of the happiest days of your lives, and it would be so sad if you didn't enjoy that day because you thought you were too ugly, when everyone else will probably be thinking that you look more beautiful than ever. And I'm not just saying this, but I've never seen a person who is truly happy and smiling with genuine joy look anything but beautiful. It really is the loveliest thing. I hope that you can get to a point where you are feeling relaxed and happy enough to smile with genuine happiness without worrying about what people are thinking.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2013):
 Here's a peek at the writer of that last blog I posted: http://melissabxoxo.blogspot.com/p/about-me.html She's got a disability that affects her appearance and doesn't let it stop her from anything. I love her.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2013):
And THIS woman is just amazing: http://www.melissabxoxo.blogspot.com
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2013):
It's not a video, it was an article. It's so cool, I LOVE this woman!
http://jezebel.com/5946643/reddit-users-attempt-to-shame-sikh-woman-get-righteously-schooled
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2013):
Plan a candlelight ceremony and choose a dark venue for your reception. Ask for no flash photography and you'll be good to go.
You were chosen by your guy to be his bride, why would you make him look bad in front of his family and friends by refusing him the pleasure of watching you turn into one? Do you distrust his intentions?
Your friend is right, you do need to see your doctor, your self-image is ridiculously low. It's to the point of pathological.
Wait a sec, I've got an interesting video that may help you think about accepting you as being perfect just as you are. Let me go see if I can find a link.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (29 April 2013):
 What you have is more a question of self-esteem and you image of yourself.
I'm sure you fiancé doesn't think you ugly, does he? He wants you to be his bride and if he didn't find you attractive its highly unlikely he'd be marrying you.
A big smile and air of confidence can go a long way. If you don't FEEL confident, then ACT as if you do. Begin practicing NOW and hopefully by the time you get married it will have become a reality.
Finally, I don't see why you can't see your doctor and tell him how you feel. He may be able to recommend a counselor you can meet with for a few sessions to overcome your feelings of being ugly........try this before spending any more money on cosmetic surgery.
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