A
male
age
41-50,
*eekinghelp
writes:Dear everyone. I think I am at a about to end my relationship with my girlfriend, but I really wish I could just get over this problem instead. I have become uncontrollably jealous and insecure in this relationship and regardless of what it takes, this negative pattern has to come to an end once and for all.I am going to summarize as best as I can. My biggest problem is her sexual past. I see many people on here who have this same issue. Her past is pretty bad... She has slept with 20 people by the age of 22, most all one night stands and FWB. There was a lot of drugs and alcohol involved most of the times. She resorted to stripping to get money for drugs. She was careless and fell pregnant and then had an abortion, but that didn't stop her... All of the things she has told me, they are like knives cutting through my heart. They hurt so bad, I just want this agony to stop.I don't know what else to do to get over this problem, I can't just look past it. I hate what she did to herself, and I hate that because of this I can't seem to fully be in a relationship with her... I love her and want to be with her, but the thought of her giving up the most intimate part of her body to all these other men is like a fucking nightmare!She has told me that she has been with guys who were larger than me, guys who could thrust harder than me, guys who could last longer than me, and guys who could make love to her better than me... She told me that I was average.... I understand that my penis is not the largest, and that I probably am not the best lover... But to my partner, I want to be the best everything! I cant stand the thought of another man pleasing her more than myself, how can I enjoy our intimate life together knowing that??? Granted I asked her about how I matched up sexually, but really I was just asking because I wanted some kind of reassurance that I was more to her than her past... Instead it has just made it harder for me to move on from her past...To top it all off, she was still seeing her ex for the first 6 months into our relationship behind my back. She said it was totally platonic, and that it was always her, her ex, and their group of friends. She said that they would just hang out, watch tv and stuff... I don't fully believe her. Our first date she actually stood me up to try and make it work with that ex. I should have taken that as a sign, and just left her alone... But I didn't and now I am in such a mess...Also, I found out she was going out with other guys and getting drunk and high with them while I was not around. I once came home and found her and another guy friend hanging out getting high... I mean, I shouldn't get so upset since I believe that she didn't do anything with them, but I feel disrespected.We have discussed the issues with her ex, and with her friends, and things have changed since then... But, I cant seem to forget about them and move past it. I often wonder if anything really happened with her and her ex... And I wonder if she was using me to make him jealous, or if she was using me as a stepping stone to get over him.She says she loves me so much, and I do love her, but it does not seem to be enough. I feel so completely insecure sexually with her now, and suspicious of her reasons of being with me. I want out of this misery, but I dont want to lose her. I hate this, I wish that she realized how much her past has hurt me.
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abortion, drugs, drunk, her ex, her past, insecure, jealous, last longer, money, move on, my penis, one night stand, sexual past Reply to this Question
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female
reader, globallight  +, writes (14 March 2009):
This is something you have to get over, as has already been stated. Whether you get over your jealousy in this relationship or in the next thats up to you.Its worth having a go, but set yourself a goal. If you dont see any positive change with in a few months then maybe you should re-assess the situation.So, firstly you need to ask yourself what you love about this girl. Living in the past is rediculous - so try to live in the present. Whats the pros and cons of your relationship at present? Your girlfriend may well have changed, she may have been insecure once - but there is a reason she is with you. If she has had men with bigger penises who could "thrust harder" (lol to that one, normally girls prefer a bit of tenderness) there must be a reason she is with you!Do you have an active sex life? (Even though you have now gone shy). Here's a few sexual tricks that will spice up your love life. In a word try TANTRA. Tantra is about sharing a spiritual experience together in bed, it is about learning to trust and connect with eachother, and its also definately not about penis size!one of the best sites: http://sivasakti.com/and an article here: http://www.tantra.com/tantric_sex/tantric_techniques/tantric_sex.html I hope you can suggest this to your girl and that it brings your confidence back and she sees finally what *real sex* is!
A
male
reader, Horne +, writes (13 January 2009):
A sexual history is a fact of life in today's society for many people. Having one doesn't make a person bad nor make your relationship bad. Believe it or not, there are men who get off on the things you're describing. There's a whole community of them online. For most though, the comments come across as humiliating and doing exactly what you've described - i.e. making a partner feel sexually insecure or sexually inferior.
I don't live other people's lives. But here's the things I consider red flags. If I'm serious about someone, I won't do things I know will cause them to doubt me.. things like hanging out with ex's, having MY friends over to party and hang out while she's gone, or giving her any reason to doubt that the sex I have with her is any reason for her to fear. I'm also quite open with her about what I want in that sex and like to know what she wants in that sex so I kind of see it as being proactive about sexual issues.
Even so, anyone who will do the things that give you reason to doubt them, either their fidelity, or their attachment to you, are people I wouldn't consider seriously. Might for a good time, but not for a day to day existence. Why? There's a lot more things in life that will cause pain. When I can choose to eliminate some of it, I will.
Another thing I consider a red flag is behavior that caused the original issues, isn't gone. In other words, she hasn't reached a point in life or in her thinking where she realizes those things don't work. Good times are good times. Sooner or later though you end up with that feeling of being at the fair ground too late at night when all the attractions are dark and it's just you. It's a lonely empty feeling. She's not there yet. She hasn't gotten past the wanting feel-good moments at the expense of everything else.
You're taking an active part in it by doing things like asking her to compare. Good rule of life is if you can't handle the truth, then don't ask the question. And by allowing her to continue doing the things that hurt so much. No, you can't stop it. What you can stop is your exposure to it.
Tell her how it makes you feel. Sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Don't make any ultimatums or threats. Just know what you can deal with. Make that known to her and if it continues, well, either live with the pain or live without it and without her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): okay dude this is guy to guy!!!
first of all if she was that addicted to drugs and having sex/one night stands with abunch of guys, than she probly still has urges to do it
and if she keeps reminding you of how much better her other partners were than you, then shes not worth iot
i no you love her and want to work this out but
y would she blow you off to go "watch t.v with her ex"
thast juss unplausible..
so i hope you make the right decision bro
best of luck--
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): Normally I'd say get over her past, because I've had problems with my boyfriend because of my past and think it's unfiar (mind you, my "past" is very tame, almost NOTHING sexual happened). But I digress.
Look, you sound like a sweet, caring man. Your girlfriend isn't. Sure, you SHOULD forget about her past, because people change. But your girlfriend hasn't. She's one of those selfish women, inconsiderate... she may say she loves you, and maybe she does in some twisted way, but I truly believe she doesn't.
Getting high with another guy when you were gone? That's totally disrespectful, and I know most guys (unless they're junkies) would be very upset to find their girlfriends doing such things. Also sneaking behind your back to hang out with her ex? Even if they were with friends and only watched tv and stuff, it isn't right to be so sneaky. And when she stood you up? Don't even get me started... Oh, and of course, he rinsensitive remarks about her "exes"...
I know, I know... easier said than done. But I do think you should leave her. You deserve better, and you'll find better. It's unhealthy for you to remain in a relationship that stresses you out so much.
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A
female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (28 October 2008):
 My boyfriend has issues with my past (altough that consists of only 4 other guys) and i understand how even though it is to me not a big deal, it hurts him. The reason it hurts him so much is because of how much he loves me. The more you love someone the more you wish you could be the only one to have ever pleased them and thoughts of them with someone else would naturally disgust you.
I am always understanding of my boyfriends feelings, and although it hurts me so much because it makes me feel like a bad person i try to be supportive because he knows this is his problem and not mine.
We have started reading books, I am reading Men are from mars, women are from venus by Johny Gray and also Let your Past Go and Live. He is reading Manhood. I have already learned so much about him and i never thought something so simple could start to change our relationship. You need to understand that men and women have different values, needs, desires and communicate differently. Have you spoken to your girlfriend about why she did these things? You need to talk about her feelings and state of mind at the time, not the actual things she did. Maybe there was a reason that she craved male attention? Maybe it was a temporary fufillment that made her feel better about herself for her crap life, but inevitable left her empty and needing more. I know because i have been there. Not as extreme as one night stands and hectic drug use but i did used to be a party girl. I thought i was getting what i needed and i did enjoy male attention. I understand now why this was. My parents never showed affection. I hate to say it but my dad is a terrible father. I needed that male attention that i had never recieved. I had low self esteem and felt so bad about myself that getting wasted and getting attention off guys made me feel wanted. I did not understand their intentions and truly thought they wanted me.
Dont just break up with her, you seem to have strong feelings for her. I know that when you have this pathological jealousy it does not just go away, you need to do something to help yourself. Because of this your next relationship will have the same problems. You need to know that because she is with you, you must be better then the other guys. I have been inthe situation where i thought nothing more could be done and on the verge of breaking up but now i have a new outlook on our relationship and i truly belive we will get past it.
I hope anything i have said can help you. i understand how hard it is. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sorscha22 +, writes (28 October 2008):
 huney, you got a problem! obviousley, this relationship has caused you so much pain and aggrevation.. that you cannot go on anymore. the girl sounds EXTREMELY immature, selfish, and insatiable! what an ingrate! obviousley, she cannot deal with herself, or her day to day problems! she probably doesnt care about your feelings, or anyone else's! deep down, but she'll never admit it, she probably hates herself! i know you say, you love her.. but ask yourself, WHY you love her!!?? what is the striking quality.. i mean.. is there one!!?? i say, get some confidence in yourself!! leave her childish, selfish ways in the dust! there are plenty of beautiful girls who will love you for you, AND the size of YOUR penis.. and NEVER compare you to someone elses!!!! keep your head uP!!
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A
male
reader, seekinghelp +, writes (27 October 2008):
seekinghelp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all thanks for the post. To note, she did go to counseling and has worked herself out of a lot of her issues. She told me she went through a deep depression, and has since worked it out.
The only drugs she does now is smoke weed and drink. To be fair, I smoke with her and drink myself. Hey no one is perfect. But she used to do a lot of crazy drugs, things I would and will never do.
I knew at first about her past, before we were in a relationship, but I didn't know all the details. At first I didn't care because really I was just enjoying her since she is a very lovely person. But, one thing led to another, and over a year later we are living together and I am deeply in love with her.
I really dont wan't to leave her, all I want is to get past these issues. But, I keep asking myself how? How can I accept this about her, how can I accept that sexually I am not as well off as her past lovers? How can I let it go... How can I find peace with this... How can I love her and be with her... How?
It hurts so bad. I think that I might be falling into a depression myself. I have lost the majority of my appetite. I sleep a lot... Last night I was in bed at 8pm... I drink to the point where I go to sleep now, because if I am not completely drunk by the time I lay down I will lay there and obsess about it all night. I cant focus well at work, but it could be the drinking. I often feel sad, depressed, and unhappy. I tend to not go out much anymore... And I think it is all because of our relationship...
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A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check +, writes (27 October 2008):
 You're right. Love ISN'T enough to make a relationship work. There has to be trust, security, communication and all the rest of it. You are missing some key components here and to be honest, I think not ending it now would just set you up for more heartbreak, when you could have been using the time to get over her. There is someone you are more suited to out there, even if it doesn't seem like that right now. Get out of there and make a fresh start.
Good luck.
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