A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:For the past couple of months, my wife and I have been having a lot of sex. I mean a lot! I'm taking five or six nights a week. I'm not complaining about it by any means. I'm happy that the spark is still there but I did wonder where she had got the sudden high sex drive from. I came home from work early a few days ago. When I entered the house, the first thing I heard was coming from upstairs. It was my wife moaning and groaning with pleasure very loudly. Fearing the worst I ran upstairs expecting to find her with another man. What I found when I entered the bedroom was my wife on the bed, pleasuring herself anally with a sex toy. I was shocked, no doubt about it. So was she. I asked her what she was doing, where she got the sex toy from and how long had she been doing this? She said that she had gotten up one night, a couple of months ago, because she couldn't sleep and went to watch tv. She said she came across some of the adult channels and watched anal sex. She said she was very turned on by it and wanted to try it with me but was afraid of my reaction to her getting excited by pornography so she purchased a vibrator and has been using it for anal on herself and that's where her high sex drive seems to have come from. I told her that she could have just come to me about it. She said she was sorry and that she still wants to try it with me. But I feel that she has cheated somehow. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that what she did was a bit mean?
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anal sex, porn, sex drive, sex toy, spark, vibrator Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Damn man! You can have my wife, I'll take yours! Get over it and start enjoying your wife! Don't give her a chance to do it herself.
A
female
reader, mysterious_blonde_lady +, writes (7 June 2009):
Yes. you are. It is her body and she is free to do what she likes with it. You do not 'own her' she has not been unfaithful, she is doing what feels good for her. It's good in a relationship to be open sexually with eachother and it is understandable that you are feeling hurt because she didnt feel comfortable telling you about her desires. But this said, in a relationship sometimes you need little private quirks that are yours because it makes you feel like you still have something which is yours. It's easy in a relationship to get to a point where you expect to share everything but sometimes you forget that you are still individual people who have wants and needs that you maybe feel private about. Many men in your position would, i'm sure, be turned on by their wife if she was behaving in the way you described. But if you react the way you have, is it any wonder she keeps these things from you? Fear of your reaction possibly. You need to be a bit more understanding; you don't own her body, she herself is free to do what she would like with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): She wasn't being mean or unreasonable. She just wasn't yet comfortable coming to you with this and took matters into her own hands. Many men also masturbate to pornography depicting things they are uncomfortable asking their wives for. It's an issue of confidence. It's sometimes hard for people to step outside their comfort zone, even with a spouse.If I were you, I wouldn't make an issue of it or you will discourage her from coming to you in the future with her fantasies. I would give her all the anal stimulation she desires and be happy that you've achieved an openness in the relationship that maybe wasn't there before. This is no big deal really.
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A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (13 March 2009):
She was concerned about your reaction - I'd call that anxious or caring, but certainly not mean.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 March 2009):
 i think she was SHY about it.
women are.
most women (unless they are hardened porn stars) ARE shy about it ... especially about liking or wanting it.
so, although i think it is understandable that you would feel like she'd been doing something secret, sexually, without you, i think you should forgive her and understand that it was really truly only through shyness.
and hey, i have a feeling it might work out ok for you both in the end ... ; )
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): I think it's GREAT that your wife is so adventurios that she watches porn then takes the time to experiment, and then want's to share her new found things with you. You are a lucky man and sounds like you have a very open and honest wife get in there with her and show her you are as keen and adventurios as her.you have a good and open wife and marriage make her feel good and happy about these things.good luck and enjoy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Communication is the key to ANY relationship. This isn't about sex it is about talking. Now that you are aware of your wife's wants and needs maybe this will allow you you to communicate better with each other so there will be no surprises in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Nothing wrong with what she did at all. Do you look at porn, masturbate? if yes then you should have no problem with her wtahcing porn or masturbating.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): It's funny to me that several women have quickly answered that you are being stupid about this. Because usually the gender roles are reversed here. Usually the wife catches the husband with porn and says she feels cheated because he was being secretive about it. And then most of the feedback answers usually come from women who are on (your) side.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): hello,
my husband and I both play with our selves on our own, and it's always been known between us. I don't mind, and neither does he.
It's not as if she has slept with someone else, and it was YOU she wanted to try anal sex with. Go with the flow and try it out with her. Don't feel cheated, she has done nothing wrong. I know it must have been a shock, but hey, if it floats her boat is it such a bad thing?!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 March 2009):
 Do you know why your wife did not tell you about it? Because she was afraid you would react like this! You are overreacting to this situation and you should not punish your wife for exploring her sexuality.
Put this into perspective, she did not cheat, she has not hurt you in any way at all. Ok, so she should have said something sooner but we all have our private fantasies and ways of pleasuring ourselves, this is not something that she should feel ashamed of.
This is something that she wants to share with you; and it has increased her sex drive so you get the benefit from this! Forget about the bit where she didnt tell you and then concentrate on what fun you can be having together with this!
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, MuffinGirl  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 I think you're jealous without any good reason to be. And I think your feelings are very selfish and possesive. Can't see good reason why you feel cheated.
Most of men would be very happy to have a wife who has high sex drive. I really can't see problems. You can watch porn videos with your wife and than you can have a great and passionate sex. Just remind yourself how many time you were mastrubating or been turned on by watching porn or just thinking about it.
So don't be unfair. And I'm sure she still loves you and take care of you, but she's just trying to have your sex life more interesting. Maybe she's even thinking about you during mastrubating.
It's just a porn and it's just a dildo. Nothing realistic. Get over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Man! Its just porn and a dildo, its not cheating unless she was with a man or woman in some peoples case. Try the anal sex with her or use the dildo on her u both may like it. Dont worry, BE HORNEY! Lol
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