A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. I know he is probably a good person, but he makes me so sad most of the time. He literally critiques almost everything I do. Just to make sure I wasn't crazy, which he frequently tells me I am, I started logging the negative/positive comments he makes towards me each day. Sometimes the negative comments reach almost 20 per day, and the average is at least 15 starting first thing in the morning. Positive affirmations/compliments/comments are few and far between-one or two every few days. When we fight it is awful. He is a screamer, and I shut down when people are overtly aggressive towards me. Sometimes he pushes and grabs me, and later says I drove him to it. He often apologizes for doing it, but then also tells me that my words/silence are just as bad as his pushing and grabbing. In my heart, i do not think these things are the same. I am sunk into a deep dark hole. It is like I am looking at the world from the bottom of a tunnel. I feel ashamed that I have let him have such power over me. Before I met him, I dealt with situational depression, but I was always able to come out of it. I felt strong, and I knew I could do something important with my life. Now I feel like my life is over because I have spent so much time following his path. Please, I feel like I am going crazy inside. I have lost most of my friends, no job, and am estranged from my family because of this relationship (they want me to leave him). Please shower some wisdom upon me, I am begging you. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much. Each one of your responses helped me gain valuable perspective, and validated my feelings (which I haven't had in a while). I really needed some outside input, even though the solution is quite obvious. I know no one is perfect, but people like you restore my faith in the beauty of human beings.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 November 2012):
 He has sapped you of your inner confidence.
You need to leave immediately and after you leave you will need immediate counselling.
If you do not get into counselling you are likely to want to go back to him. And when you do his abuse will become worse.
This is an intolerable unacceptable situation.
He is acting like an abusive monster.You are his victim and he ENJOYS making you suffer. He ENJOYS humiliating you.
Do not warn him that you are leaving. Just look like you are going to the shops and just leave. your possessions are NOTHING compared to your life.
you life will improve once you leave and start rebuilding your own inner confidence in you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 November 2012):
 I don't know about wisdom, but simple common sense says , in fact, screams :leave . Just leave.
There is a situation of emotional abuse goung on, but, that would be more fluid, depending on personalities and circumstances, maybe it could be fixed , maybe you could learn to cope with it if in general the relationship would be worth it...
BUT : he pushes and grabs , that's physical abuse. There's no dealing and compromising with physical abuse, you just turn your back to it for good and leave.
Go back to your family at first. You are estranged from them now, but you are estranged because of him. Remove him from the equation, and I'd bet you'd find your family supportive and welcoming.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): Oh lord, this sounds like an horrific situation to be living through... I really feel for you.One of the main difficulties is that human beings tend to learn behaviours fast, so that if you accept the way he acts for a relatively short time that becomes the normal accepted way things are within your relationship.In truth, you are being abused.Your choices - bearing in mind that you have a responsibility to yourself to live your life as best you can - seem to me to be:1) Walk away2) Make him change his waysI can't realistically see the latter of these options happening. You are being bullied and deserve better. If he won't go for help, I suggest no.1 is your only choice...GOOD LUCK - I think you deserve it!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 November 2012):
Hi there. Eight years is a long time to be together and having to tolerate this type of environment.
Was it ever good when you first moved in together 8 years ago?
Another thing to keep in mind when arguments happen a lot, is to think about what those arguments are about.
Do you argue about lots of different things?
Or, do you end up arguing over your getting hurt and upset about him criticizing you all the time?
So what I mean by that, is do you say nothing at all when he does this criticizing, and it then gets to a point where you decide enough is enough, and you start challenging him about it?
And so that's when the arguing begins?
One question you do need to ask yourself is - "Do I still love this man now?"
Because it seems clear that he is making your very unhappy on a fairly regular basis, doesn't he?
Overall though, when you look at the big picture, would you say there are more happy times with him than there are unhappy times?
The good times should far outweigh the bad times.
And breaking it down even further now, how BAD are those bad times you have with him?
Is the criticizing he does of you, the worst part of all the bad things?
And it does seem clear that it makes you very unhappy most of the time - from what you have said here.
It affects your self esteem and makes you feel depressed.
Have you asked yourself the question - "Why am I still living with this man, when he constantly makes me SO unhappy?"
And also ask yourself - "Don't I believe I deserve better treatment than this? Surely, I deserve better."
And when you ask yourself these questions, you really need to be totally honest with yourself and don't try and make excuses for how he treats you.
You need to be absolutely realistic about all these considerations.
In the end you need to be happy - not just sometimes, but ALL the time.
And if he makes you more unhappy than happy, well then it could be time for you to move on - without him.
Having just anyone, is NOT better than having no-one.
It's far better for you to be alone and really happy, than to be in a relationship and totally miserable.
Before you make any decisions, you need to have a really good think about everything.
Not just a split second decision, but a decision that is well informed and well thought out - over a few days or a week or two.
Weigh it all up - the good against the bad.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 November 2012):
 The way you describe your situation it's clear you are an intelligent, sensitive, perceptive person.
Why do you stay with him? What is preventing you leaving? Ask yourself that and be honest with yourself. As honest as you have been with your description here.
Perhaps you could try something else. Try to have a real conversation with him about what is going on, get through to him. Don't fight, don't rise to his screaming. Tell him that things have to change or you two can't continue. He probably knows that too. You've spent eight years with this man, even if you have to leave him it's worth reaching past all the noise to share your insights with him in a caring way.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (18 November 2012):
Hey dear,
I don't think you really need our wisdom, because telling us this problem you've realized yourself that there's no way to stay in this relationship if you don't want to get crazy.
So, leave! Make a plan of escape - maybe there's one friend, or an aunt, or anyone left? or you could move into a shared flat for a start? Get an overview over your financial situation, if there's any way you can afford your own place, or ask your parents to help you out until you find a job.
Getting so much negative feedback, I guess even the most stable person would feel powerless and depressed.
He's mentally unstable, an asshole and has no respect for you. He won't change for the better, but most likely for the worse.
His apologies don't count and are not important here. Even if your silence did hurt him, his grabbing and pushing and screaming can't be excused.
Later, if you're safe, maybe you want to read something about partners of people with borderline personality disorder, because it sounds a bit like your partner has got this problem (I don't know him so I can't say for sure, just a guess). Maybe it can help you understand why he was like that and why this has got nothing to do with you. Again, that's not to excuse his behavior. Just for you, so you know what happened to you.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 November 2012):
 You need to leave him. What you are describing is emotional abuse. He puts you down because it allows him to control you. Pushing and shoving and screaming are NOT OK ways to "communicate" with your partner. Leave him. You are not crazy, he is the crazy one who needs to control you. Get in touch with your family and get help to leave before he completely strips you of your self-esteem.
You are in a classic abuse cycle here. You are isolated and cut off from any resources (job/money, family) because of him, he has convinced you that you are the problem and not him. You should seek help and leave. You aren't crazy, he is crazy. Him calling you crazy is just a way for him to try to convince you that he is justified in treating you badly.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 November 2012):
 Where ever you are, in whatever room, you go to that big oblong shape in the wall, turn the handle and leave.
You are in a controlling abusive relationship and at it's worst, your life could be in danger.
Your family want you to leave him because he is BAD for you and they can probably see what you cannot.
Go to your family, end this toxic situation you are in and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, Zaaleena +, writes (17 November 2012):
Hi there
Apologies if this is going to sound harsh but going off everything you have said I'm not sure that this relationship is good for your emotional welfare.
Sadly speaking from experience I know that constant negative comments will chip away until your self-esteem has completely corroded and you end up becoming dependent on the person making you feel like that.
The fact that he grabs you is TOTALLY unacceptable and you should not believe his justifications of it. Regardless of what another person does - we are all responsible for our own actions and you don't provoke him into doing it.
From your writing you seem pretty worn out and Im not sure you'll be able to get that esteem back whilst with this person.
Wishing you strength x
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A
female
reader, Zaaleena +, writes (17 November 2012):
Hi there
Apologies if this is going to sound harsh but going off everything you have said I'm not sure that this relationship is good for your emotional welfare.
Sadly speaking from experience I know that constant negative comments will chip away until your self-esteem has completely corroded and you end up becoming dependent on the person making you feel like that.
The fact that he grabs you is TOTALLY unacceptable and you should not believe his justifications of it. Regardless of what another person does - we are all responsible for our own actions and you don't provoke him into doing it.
From your writing you seem pretty worn out and Im not sure you'll be able to get that esteem back whilst with this person.
Wishing you strength x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): I think you just did. Get in contact w ur fam and go live w them. LEAVE HIM. Seek counselling, maybe ur doc will put you on depression meds. Cut all contact. Very simple to Do, but difficult to get through. Certainly easier said than done but you can do it. goodluck!
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