A
male
age
41-50,
*onfusedwesttexasguy
writes:Im in love with my friends wife. We have all been friends for a long time now. It all started when she asked me to take her out to play pool and drink some beer. She asked in fron of her husband and he didnt have a problem with it as long as he didnt have to go. She is usually stuck at home all day everyday alone with her kids and rarely gets a chance to get out of the house and have some fun. We went out and had alot of fun (nothing sexual, just honest to goodness friendship fun). She is one of the most amazing people ive ever met. So I started hanging out at their house more and more. Her husband usually works late and i have a normal 8-5 job. so i would stop by when i got off work and sit around and bullshit until he got home and we would all go out to eat. we would always joke around that i was the surrogate husband. the joking around lead to playing around, nothing serious and nothing out of line. Well she and i went to another friends house that was having a party one night. We both got a little drunk and the playing around got to be a little more serious (stuff her husband shouldnt know about, but still nothing major). and that became the normal routine for us. I knew it was wrong but it was all in good fun. But for me i already knew that i had found the perfect girl and that i was in love. This went on for a couple of years. I told her how i felt and she told me she felt the same way but said she does love her husband. We almost made love that night but i couldnt go through with it, cause i knew it was wrong. we talked i told her how i felt about the whole situation and said she would like to keep doing what we were doing but keep it a secret. i was suddenly in love with this awesome girl that was my best friend and she loved me back, and i was miserable that she wasnt mine completely. i never once told her to leave her husband even though they have been on the verge of divorce since they got married. i always encouraged her to work things out and even talked to him a few times about their problems. well me being miserable caused some problems for us, and it was making her unhappy so i ended the relationship and told her we were only going to be friends, and that if they ever got a divorce that i would like a shot. during all of this i never did feel right about messing around with someones wife, cause its a sin, but it felt so right that i ignored the right and wrong of it. i tried being just her friend but now im hurting more than ive ever hurt before. i tried talking to her about it but it made things hard on her, i tried talking to some old friends and they said that i should turn my back on the whole situation. well i had somewhat of a breakdown this past week, didnt know what to do so i turned to god for the first time in a long time. i woke up that morning at 4:00am in a cold sweat with the words "the truth will set you free" stuck in my head. i laid there for 3 hours thinking. at 7:00am i called her husband and told him everything. he thanked me and told me it took alot of character and courage to do that and that he has no hard feelings. i told him that i wouldnt have anything to do with her anymore. aparently he hasnt said anything to her yet cause i called her and told her what i did and why i did it and that i couldnt have anything to do with her anymore. heres my question. Did i do the right thing? i know i did the right thing by god but did i do the right thing by them and me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): Sounds like you've beaten yourself up enough, Westtexas. What's done is done; you've learned your lesson and made amends as best you could.
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male
reader, Confusedwesttexasguy +, writes (14 November 2009):
Confusedwesttexasguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo annonymous female. i have no idea of the state of their marriage now.
you asked, "how can you face him?" i can face him because i am not going to run and hide from this problem, im hoping everything is over and done with. but if he wants to talk to me, or kick my ass, or yell and scream. i can take it because its what i deserve, just like he deserved to know the truth.
and yes this is the hardest life lesson ive ever had to learn. and this is a mistake im never going to make again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): WHAT is the state noe of the friends marriage. what happens to his wife and his relationship. can they salvage the wrongs that you and his wife did. how do you even face him??this is a hard lesson to learn in life: f*cking around with someone elses wife/husband always is a NO NO.
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reader, Confusedwesttexasguy +, writes (10 November 2009):
Confusedwesttexasguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk i spent the past weekend in Ruidoso with some friends. I took time throughout the mini vacation to keep up with all the answers on here. and had plenty of time to think, with no distractions. I disagree about my motives behind telling the husband, i never wanted them to get divorced and still dont. If you ask for forgiveness from god he will forgive you but if you didnt do anything to hold yourself accountable (like if i would have just walked away and not said anything) then it was pointless to ask for forgiveness. sure i could have handled it differently but at the time there was no other option. that was what i had to do. i may have lost two friends over this whole deal but ive gained some self respect back. i am moving on and i wont be makeing the same mistake again. thank you everyone,
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 I am in agreement with the anonymous female. You did the wrong thing in calling the husband. I am convinced that you told him because you wanted the couple to break up, so she would be free to be with you.
I have some bad news for you, sorry. The good thing to do would have been NOT to let yourself get carried away by this attraction. That way, you would have never had to come forward and tell the husband.
The woman told you she loves her husband. I am afraid that what she really meant is that she won't leave him. Well, whatever the meaning of her words, she made it clear that she wouldn't leave him for you. Now you have put her in a situation where she might have to.
You went from messing with someone else's wife to messing with the marriage. This is not correct, no matter how you look at it.
The right thing for you to do now is to stay away from these people. And learn your lesson.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): In response to anoymous, you hit the nail on the head. He called the husband out of desperation to break up this marriage. Why is it someone can act this way for years and then all of a sudden god is in thier lives and they are a wonderful human being. Lets not be naive here. You knew exactly what you were doing. I never in my whole life looked at a friends boyfriend or husband. I stayed far away, at it has never happended to me. Watch out for thye karma that is coming your way!!
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reader, Confusedwesttexasguy +, writes (8 November 2009):
Confusedwesttexasguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionive only read a few of these posts and most of them only had a few people respond. i didnt expect as many answers as i got. i dont think there was a "right" way to handle this. i just didnt want to handle it the wrong way. and i feel keeping and living with this secret wasnt beneficial to anyone. there are a million different ways i could have handled it. i chose to ask god what to do and went with the answer he gave me. it got the job done.
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reader, Confusedwesttexasguy +, writes (8 November 2009):
Confusedwesttexasguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the last two people. i have completely stepped away from them both. i think i may have left out a part that yall arent understanding. im living at my work right now, theres been a bunch of other stuff go on that im not getting into. my boss called me yesterday and told me that two guys came by the shop lookin for me, and they looked like they were wanting a fight, he ran them off then called me. you could say my boss is a little unstable when it comes to strange people coming by. he told me if they show up again hes going to shoot them. theres no other way to put this, HE WILL. so when i got the phone calls from her and him i asked if they went by my work, she said she didnt send anyone and i told her what my boss said. i asked him if he came by when he called, he said no, everything is done between me and her but i doubt everything is done between me and him. i told him that im not going to hide from him and that i am more than willing to answer any questions or listen to what ever he wants to tell me, but he probably shouldnt just show up at my work though and told him what my boss said. i deserve an ass whippin over this and if it comes to that i will gladly take it, but i dont want someone ending up in the hospital because my boss is crazy. im not thinking im a councilor or a shrink, im not trying to comfort him. like the one gentleman said, i am being accountable for my mistakes and im ready and willing to accept whatever happens. i keep answering to these answers on this website not to help yall understand understand what im going through. i keep answering cause it is really helping me. all the advice all the criticism is making me deal with my problem instead of keeping it bottled up inside me. ive made alot of mistakes in my life, none this bad. and im trying to not hide from my mistakes, im trying to learn from my mistakes and become a better person because of them. im really wanting to become the man my parents raised, not this "prick" that ive been.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): I believe that love and sex can be very complicated. Sadly, we sometimes fall out of love with someone, or we are with someone that was maybe never right for us to begin with but we didn't want to be lonely. Or we married someone who was a great friend but then one day stumbled across the person who absolutely seems to be a soul mate. And it can be very painful to at least one party involved, but in fact sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants and we can't always control our emotions. I am not criticizing the OP for being around and falling in love with this woman. And I know that sometimes that will lead to a full blown affair. What I AM criticizing is his action in calling the husband to let him know about this. Unless the OP is a psychologist, what exactly was he hoping to accomplish with this? Surely he didn't expect that he could offer comfort, or marriage counseling, or even a zany story to perk up his buddy's day. And I doubt if the OP even felt a lot better about himself for having called. This is why there is no doubt in my mind that underneath it all he was hoping his confession would lead to a complete break up of this couple. Not because he has ill will towards the man, but because he wants the woman. Maybe he just felt there was no other way to get her, as this affair had gone on for years and she was clearly not leaving her husband. I know he might have been acting on account of his misery, but anyone would know that it is just going to cause pain to tell your good friend that you have been carrying on with his wife. And to go ahead and do it (and later volunteer to answer any related questions the husband might have) is just flat out cruel. You do that to a buddy, and you earn the title of prick.
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reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (8 November 2009):
 Dude, it's time for you to step away from this couple and let them sort out their marriage. Your last followup is hinting at some difficulty in letting go not only of your lover but also the friendship with the husband. The next time one of them calls you, might I suggest that you tell that person to speak to his/her spouse?
There is nothing more you can do for them regardless of any guilt you may feel. Staying involved, even when you don't initiate contact, only causes more damage.
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reader, Confusedwesttexasguy +, writes (8 November 2009):
Confusedwesttexasguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno im not getting ready to make another mistake. i always learn from my mistakes and ive learned alot through the years. i didnt make the last phone calls i just answered them. there really was some closure that had to be made. with how we both felt about eachother you cant just quit talking without some talking. i really do love her and with the best for both of them. i have never been a selfish person, contrary to these curcumstances. i thought that the hurt was at its climax, boy was i wrong. not only did i lose my best friend but i lost the one person that would listen to my problems and give me advice. and usually it wasnt advice that i wanted to hear, its was the truth. but the same thing happened both ways. that was our only argument, who was right. i can honestly tell all of yall that have responded. i have never been more in love with someone. and the hardest thing i have ever done is end it. But through all of this i finally was able to talk to god again. and he answered, i may be and they may be miserable but i asked for forgiveness, was forgiven by the husband, and hopefully forgiven by god.to any of you single ladies out there. i have been scared to death of commitment since i was old enough to realize what it meant. when i realise what i am doing is wrong or i know im about to do something wrong my concience kicks in and i usually dont do it. ive been through alot in my life, ive loved and lost and lost and loved. none of them hurt worse that the resent events. but im going to learn from this and be a better man for it. im not going to let this rule my life. im sorry to those of you that feel i made the wrong choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): OP -- I know that all people make mistakes. Are you getting ready to make another one? Are you in this thing or out of this thing? Is it over between you and this married woman, as you implied? Or will you make yet another phone call, either to the husband to see if he is getting divorced because of this, or to the wife to see how she's holding up in the turmoil? If you truly regretted what happened, I would think you would stop dialing these people's phone number. How about backing out of this mess? You seem to still be really involved in this situation for a man that wrote as if he was remorseful. In fact you are the one who wrote that this was a sin. Don't know which religion you practice, but whichever it is I doubt if it suggests for repentance that you keep coming between the 2 spouses in any manner. I can tell that you are hurting, but you need to step out.
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reader, Confusedwesttexasguy +, writes (8 November 2009):
Confusedwesttexasguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the last person.... there is always two ways to look at everything. im glad you posted. it gave the other side of everything. if you take the other 10 understanding posts and ur 1. take 10 divided by 1 and ur left with 10. thats 10 completely random people that applauded me for what i did, even though what i did was wrong. they know and i know it. all of us are human and we make mistakes. when it comes to love we can all make some really big mistake. even if the love is for the wrong reasons.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): I totally disagree with all of the people who applaud you for phoning her husband. Call it female intuition, but I absolutely believe you made that call in the hopes that this couple will break up so you can have the woman all to yourself. The reason you were anguishing in bed for hours thinking about doing this is because you knew your motive was to do a little bit more to bust up that marriage, and you probably knew how shitty that was. So, you volunteered to take your friend's wife out so she wouldn't be cooped up all day, then finally you get all touchy with her, then you "end" the affair, and maybe she didn't plead with you to come back.So you made that phone call to the husband. And after that, you let the woman know you did it, and apparently the man hadn't yet told his wife about your call. Now it seems you're getting credit because you chose to "man up". If you had wanted to "man up", you wouldn't have been so eager to date your friend's wife - you would have been man enough to get your own woman. So now you have given 2 great strikes to that marriage - first by having the fling, and second by reporting her to the husband. If you had really wanted things to be over, you would have butted out instead of forcing this issue with your phone call. Date his wife, then report what she has done with you..you're just hubby's little helper, aren't you? Sorry, but I'm calling you out for this. *Mod Note: Name-calling is uncalled for, no matter how you feel about someone.
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reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (7 November 2009):
 You manned up. You were willing to accept the consequence of your actions. The fact that you felt guilty proves that you still have some shreds of basic human decency, and that's a good thing. Your confession has made you a free man; now step back and let this woman and her husband deal with their marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): hang in there, it will eventually get better. You've gotten some honor and integrity, but at what a price. Its not just the man who never falls...but the man who gets back up and doesnt repeat the same mistake, that i cheer for. Mal
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reader, Confusedwesttexasguy +, writes (7 November 2009):
Confusedwesttexasguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel pretty good about everything finally, but still feel like shit. that was the hardest thing that i never want to do again.
i talked to him some today and told him that if he ever wanted to sit down and talk or if he had any questions that i would be more than willing. i talked to her today and explained what i did and why i did it (her husband hasnt said anything to her yet, he went hunting). she didnt take it very good at all. at least there was some closure to it all.
to the guy that said something about how it would affect the kids. no i didnt even think about them, i was too wrapped up in my own mess to concider the effect all of this might have on them.
i know the pain will go away eventually. it can only get better from here on.
thank you all for your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): After reading these threads everyone is applauding you. I could see if you made the mistake once but you were hanging out at your best friends house. Sounds like you are not a very good friend. She does not want to leave her husband but wants her cake and it eat it too. I do not think you should have told her husband , it sounds devious to me. I agree, I feel sorry for the innocent kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): You went with your gut, and by my own experience, my gut never is usually wrong. It did take a lot of character to do that. Who knows what the future will bring with her and him, but you are a person of character and you should be proud of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): You did the right thing in the end. you are very lucky things didnt get worse. Did you ever think of how this might affect her kids?? didnt think so
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): I have to say that my jaw dropped when I got to the part where you phoned him. I think it might have been better to give her a heads up in advance. Even better would have been for him to have heard about it from her. However, given that he seemed to take it well, he likely had his suspicions -- I certainly would have in his shoes.
Your conscience directed you to ultimately do the right thing. You've repented. As they say, "now go forth and sin no more."
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (7 November 2009):
Dude, the truth is setting you free but you may not think so during this time of grief.
I am so impressed at how you have listened to your inner voice in the midst of all of that temptation. This woman, as perfect as she might seem to you right now, is a threat to not only herself but to those around her. Until she can find some inner peace her moral compass won't be "right" and she'll be seeking comfort through iniquitous means.
You are young and if you put in the effort to seek your own inner peace there will come a time that someone truly fantastic comes into your life. Someone who is worthy of your companionship. Good luck and take care.
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reader, Coolguy  +, writes (7 November 2009):
I think you did the right thing. I think You didn't have to tell the husband but should have just gradually stopped seeing the wife(Maybe stop seeing her but calling and then reducing calls from everyday to once a week then once in 3 weeks etc until you stop completely). Fortunately, you friend is very matured and handled the situation well. You may feel bad now but it will heal with time. All things have worked together for good. Meanwhile you should try and get a hobby, hang out with other friends who have found God so that your mind can focus on something else and possibly find someone else. Well done on ending the affair.CG
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): Yes you did the right thing. For all the right reasons. And now you are both accountable. Accountability at this point is good. It will help you to do what is right even when you don't want to. I will also say that even though what you did was wrong, you handled it with integrity. Right now you are feeling on the bottom but i can promise you that it will get better. goodluck and God Bless mal
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 November 2009):
I think you did. You knew that unless she left him for you, you'd never be number 1 in her life, and you knew you'd betrayed your friend in a way that was terrible. But you've owned up and you're at least trying to move on, so yes, you did the right thing. From your friend's reaction, I'd say he knew something was wrong in the marriage anyway, so perhaps you've set him at ease in a weird way, and now he will be able to move forward as well. Yes, you did the right thing. She didn't leave him for you, and you were feeling bad. Give yourself some time and try to find someone else.
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reader, countrygal462 +, writes (7 November 2009):
 in my opinion, you did the very right thing. the words "the truth will set you free" are very true. telling the husband everything that happened was goog. i recently found out that for every week you keep a secret, you lose a week of ur life. so its good u told. but how do you fell about it now? i know it has to be hard. i would like to know how things go. :) hope all goes well:) god bless : )
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