A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am from India, 16 years and am brought up in a strict Muslim family. My parents have already planned my future for me, get my degree and get married soon after that. But the thing is that I don't want that. I want to continue with my career and do a Ph.D (I will most probably do Journalism). I tried explaining them about this and reasoning with them too but they won't budge and I have been trying this for the past two years.They think that it's not proper that a single female (I stress on female, they wouldn't have cared if it was my brother) should go on with her career and not get married. It just frustrates me that they will not see this from any different angle.So I am thinking about leaving home after I finish my degree and shift to some other city. There's no love lost between me and my parents and they are also verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. But the thing is that, what can they do to me if they find me, either by law or religion. I have nothing against the religion but I just want to live my life my own way and not according to my parents. Am I right in this? If yes, then how do I go on about this? If no, what do I do?All help and comments will be much appreciated.
View related questions:
emotionally abusive, muslim Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for not writing for over a month but life was hectic and my parents removed my internet. However a friend of mine advised internet through the cell phone and I am happily using it without my parent's knowledge. @katyani- I know I am extremely lucky to get what I have but honestly, that doesn't stop me from wishing that my life would be a little better. I think I have come in terms with it rather than only whining about it.Somehow I only see myself doing Journalism in the future. I have a love for both reading a writing that I want to make my life in the future. The only problem here is that my parents won't let me work after my graduation. No female has worked before in my family and I don’t think that my dad wants me to break the tradition.The anger is there but mostly it’s being pushed deep inside by me. I have never been the type that would wear their emotions on their sleeve and I like that. Outside the only thing noticeable about me is the calm and cool exterior.The only thing is that I don’t know what to do when the time comes to decide. If I at least figure that out, then I am confident that I can work towards it. One solid fact is that I can’t hang around here and wait for my own doomsday.So I will take your advice and focus on my studies and improve my writing abilities. But then what? I can’t work towards something which I don’t know about. I need to know my extreme goal. *bangs head on the table*, I am right back where I started from.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ katyayni
I am really serious about the career that I have chosen that’s why I am doing this. I am an above average student so I have no problems with my academics. I have been fighting for it for the past two years and I will continue with it. When I said that my dad’s liberal than my other relatives, I meant that he’s fine with me to study up to my degree level. The others don’t even have that.
Thanks for your advise, I think that it has helped me and now I know that ‘every man is on his own’ or in this case woman : ). But I am confused now, do you think that I should try to go with my parents, trying to change their minds or should I steer clear of them, if there is such a thing.
@ thenotsogreat
That would have been easy to do if they even value a little of our opinion. Here, they don’t ask a girl whether she likes a guy or not. The right is reserved only to the guys and if he has no problems with it then the parents go ahead with it. The girl isn’t even asked once. She just has to go with it.
@ baby duck
Thanks for that optimistic piece of advise, I am normally an optimistic person and it made me smile to think optimistic for once. I don’t think I can get that inner peace till I am free but I will try to find it. Thanks again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): Thats why you dont tell them about it. You do it all on the side and let no one know.
When it comes to it cant you tell them you dont want to be married and refuse to meet any man they bring for you?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I know that it would sound more practical to do what you said but the problem here is that what I want has never been done before in our extended family, and my parents are the liberal ones. Every older cousin sister that I know has gotten married as soon as she finishes her degree, hell some have even gotten married as soon as they are 18.
A few of them had thoughts like mine and they have tried the way you said but all of them have ended up married. They have lost all hope in their lives. I don't want to be like that.
As for getting a part time job, I stay in Bangalore and my parents wouldn't even hear of it. It's a taboo for the women to work according to my parents. They think that they are doing a great favor letting me study so working while staying with them is a far away thing. They are just narrow minded people who live according to how they had lived before. They have no space in their minds for newer things.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had realized that getting my degree somewhere out of India would be the best plan but when I asked my dad he said that in our community/religion, girls cannot be sent out anywhere. They are supposed to stay in the house and act proper as said by everyone. Then they don’t allow any contact with guys for me. I thought about leaving home after I finish my degree. But the one think that I am really scared about is my parent’s reactions after they find out. My family is full of those really influential and rich kind of people. I don’t know what lengths they might go to just to find me. It’s considered a shame for parents who have lost control on their children and this leaving home part is almost a taboo, it’s unheard of. Seriously, thanks for all your help; they gave at least a bit of courage to move on with my life. I know that I am too young to be thinking so much about the future but it’s scary to just sit around and let all my nightmares come true. Of course, more help is always appreciated.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): Have you considered applying to universities in another country? If you're educated in the West, your parents may actually be willing to let you leave home. This will give you time to REALLY figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): Oh dear... Your parents are just doing what they think is best for you. Sadly its probably the worst thing that can happen. Cant you just refuse the men they introduce to you?Im going to teach you a very important lession about how to live. You have a brain so use it. You can get what you want by being a bit clever.Ok first thing you do is stop arguing wioth your parents. This way they think they have won. And this ay you can concerntrate on your studies. Just play along with them and everyone will be happy. let no one kow what your real plans are.Find a part time job. Dont tell your parents, just say your studying. When your old enough then find a place of your own and move away. Then they will have to accept who you are.They may throw a hissy fit, but in time they will see you are right. If you stay as you are you will be a wife and mother far too young looking out the window wondering what might have been. Do you think that will make a good wife or mother? Definately not
...............................
A
female
reader, Miss Karma Louise  +, writes (7 November 2009):
well i belive everybody has the right for freedom.
every human deserves to do what they want to do.
you sound like a very intelligent girl.
i have no idea what the law is with you religion but if i was you i would just keep doing well in shcool and try chatting again to them when they see you more in a mature perspective.
you dont have to listen to them,look into your rights with the link above xx
...............................
A
male
reader, Coolguy +, writes (7 November 2009):
Hi,I understand a little bit how you feel as my parents wanted me to study a particular lucrative profession which i did not like. You are still young. I think you are thinking too much about the future. You should focus on starting or finishing your bachelors degree and then maybe a masters and then phD. A masters degree is all what most employers look for if you are looking for work. A phD enables you to lecture although you may stand a greater chance of getting a job with a phD.For now, try and concentrate on your studies.You may even meet someone you like in school who is ready for you to wait till you finish your academic dream. You can then tell your parents that you are engaged to this person who is ready for you to wait. I think they may be afraid that you get all these degrees and be too educated or classy for anyone to want to marry. It may be difficult but try not to cross your bridges until you get there. When the time reaches, things will fall into place. Take care and all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, countrygal462  +, writes (7 November 2009):
 i think that if ur parents wont budge on what they say, than you should take matters to your own hands. when you're 18, or when you finish your degree you should leave. i know you love your parents, but they dont understand that you need to live your life the way it will make YOU happy. NOT theirs. they cant do anythingwhen u are over 18 because you are an adult. you are very right for wanting to live your life the way you want. i say go for it. get married right of school isnt for some people. i hope all goes well. :) good luck
...............................
|
