A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Two years ago, I met a guy who I ended up falling for. He had literally just got into a relationship, so I didn't try anything, and I certainly didn't say anything about how I felt about him. His girlfriend ended up getting pregnant- so they ended up getting married (less than a year after they started dating). About a month ago, I was out, and he walked me to my car (so I didn't have to walk by myself in the city, at night). We ended up talking for two hours- he told me how he had these really strong feelings for me, and how he felt like I was the one for him, and how he only married his wife because he thought it was the right thing to do. I know it's wrong- but we ended up sleeping together. I've hung out with him a few times since the incedent and it's the same thing every night- he tells me that he loves me, and that he wants to give me so much more than what he can.. and I love it, because it's exactly what I want to hear.. but I hate it, because I am a good person, with morals, and I feel guilty. I don't know what I should do about the situation I've gotten myself into- I see him at least once a week.. and trust me, I don't want to be "that girl" by any means- but it's so unreal, how I have these strong feelings and a true connection with this man whose feelings are mutual.. Should I stop seeing him? Should I continue to be friends with him? Should I wait for him to leave his wife? What should I do...
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female
reader, pomegranatejuice +, writes (26 August 2007):
 Heres the thing. Nobody in this day and age..gets married because they HAVE to. I know women who have 3 kids and 3 different fathers for those kids. Not one of those men felt the need to MARRY her. This man married her because he wanted to. He loved her enough to ask, and enough to spend the money on a wedding for her and build a home with her. He probably won't do that for you. If he loved you he would be with you and not her. Mistresses are for playtime , wives are for life. You can waste a lot of time thinking that he will "see the light" or "trade up". He won't. He has a wife, she isn't you. Thats just cold fact. Ive been where you are now. I thought he was my soulmate and my "the one" and I couldn't understand why he asked her to marry him, when he looked at me the way he did. It hurt like hell. I knew him before her, and we "almost had it" and I wasted five years trying to convince him he needed me more. She won. Im glad she did, once I cut them out of my life and was able to greive for what might have been, I was able to find a man who loved just me. No drama, no competition, no beating myself up and trading in my morals for a scrap of attention. Its really great. My advice for you is...don't wait for him, don't save the friendship..just go. You'll be fine.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 August 2007):
 You've wasted about a month of your life with the cheater. If you want to waste more then keep it up. But do not come here and proclaim how moral you are, we have eyes, prove it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): You DO know exactly what you should do! You do not need us to tell you.
If you have morals, and don't want to be "that girl", then don't. Its as simple as that - either that or make yourself out to be a liar to yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): If you even have to ask the question then you clearly do not have morals. No matter how you feel about him, or what he says he feels for you he is MARRIED. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly and by continuing an affair you are risking ruining many lives.
My husband had an affair and no doubt the tart he had the affair with felt the same as you, that they had some connection. But any decent human being would walk away. My husbands affair ruined not only my life, but his too and that of our parents. It is not worth the pain caused. I urge you to do the decent thing and let this man work at his marriage, especially if there is a child involved.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 You are a good person with morals? While that may be true in some areas of your life, you have a huge character flaw in this department. I understand you're interested in this guy and there's chemistry. That is obvious. If I'm going to see the whole picture though, I also see you as selfish and sneaky, just like him.
Stay away from him ! I've given you the truth as I see it. We can not always have what we want. What you're involved in is a calculated plan to ruin the lives of his wife and child. If he decides he doesn't want to be married, let him do it on his own terms. Every time you take your clothes off you're like the drug for the addict. He scores with you, goes home and.....guess what....scores again. What are you doing when he's sleeping with his wife?
To be blunt, what you want in this case is the least important thing to everybody involved in this mess. It is important to you but in on a bigger scale. It should be important because you've realized your integrity is not in tact. It should be a red flag that you're not making good choices. Move on and find someone who can give you the undivided attention you deserve. In this case you really don't deserve attention from a married man. That belongs to his wife and child.
You sound like you know this already. Do the right thing. It's hard for me to feel compassion when you go into a situation knowing you're causing harm. That's just not nice. Are you nice?
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A
reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (24 August 2007):
 Its always hard to decide on something when your heart and mind are pulling you in two different directions. You clearly know that what you are doing is wrong, but obviously can't steer clear of this guy, and its understandable. But you have to realise that you already are 'that girl' and if you dont start doing anything about it, you will always be her. Its a personal battle and its hard, but its something you have to do. Not only is this wrong morally, it also hurt all parties involved, especially his wife and yourself.
Yes, he's told you that he loves you and wants to be with you, but wouldn't he had left his wife a long time ago if he really wanted to be with you. Theres no two ways about things like this, he either calls it off with the wife, or stay away from you, he can't have the both of you at the same time. There are quite a few red flags about this whole arrangement, but mainly, he still hasnt done anything about leaving the woman he is with now to be with you. And why is he still keeping you at the sidelines? These are questions you should be asking yourself.
I dont know this guy and I shouldnt judge him, but even if we gave him the benefit of the doubt, he still is having his cake and eat it, nothings changed about that fact. Just think about how much this is going to hurt you at the end of the day as you allow yourself to go deeper into the affair, and the people you are going to cause grief to. Its not worth it in my opinion, it just never is. But the choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 Yes you should wait for him to leave his wife and until that point you should stay away from him. Even though he says the only reason he married his wife was because he thought "it was the right thing to do", he did it all the same didn't he? There was no gun held to his head and there was certainly nothing stopping him from using protection during sex to stop her getting pregnant in the first place was there? I truly feel sorry for the woman he has married. He should not have married her just because of the baby. How do you know he's even telling you the truth? After all he might just be telling you what you want to hear so he can have sex. If he can lie to the woman of his child then surely he can tell a lie to a woman he's sleeping with outside of his marriage can't he? I know you have strong feelings for him but he has chosen to be someone else's man, so leave him alone. Tell him that unless he leaves his wife and carries on supporting his child that you don't want anything to do with him. In the long run its not fair on his child, his wife or you. Are you gonna be the "other woman" for the rest of your life? Shouldn't you be allowed to marry someone you love and spend a life of love out in the open instead of loving someone else's husband? You're worth more than that.
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A
female
reader, auntyluuurve +, writes (24 August 2007):
 i think its quite obvious really. and you will read it in any magazine problem page or any articles online... basically, if the man really loves you, he will leave his wife. end of.
i know he has commitments but if he married her for the wrong reasons, she probably married him for the wrong reasons too. if he tells you he cant leave his wife, or is waiting for the right time and he waits too long, then hes not intending to leave his wife and you are his bit on the side.
it is hard to see when this kind of thing happens, because they are so convincing. they make you believe they really do love you. but is it that hard for someone to convince you of something just so you do something, ie sleep with him? its like a car salesman telling you how amazing a car is just so you buy it.
im not saying he doesnt love you, im just preparing you for if he wont leave his wife. because if he wont, then you must leave him otherwise you really will be "the other woman".
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