A
female
age
30-35,
*hinkingOverdrive
writes:My ex and I split from 3 years together because I found out he cheated on me over a year ago (several times) and has been inappropriately messaging other girls ever since. We've been talking since we split, and even hoped to be able to patch things up once he gets over his issues like he has major self esteem/ self worth problems, apparently stemming from about a year into our relationship when I treated him quite badly (took him for granted/ less interested in sex/ didn't show much affection) and I'm not sure why I did that other than things about him just really started to bug me and that made me quite unattracted to him.He's been away due to family problems the last few days and I went to catch up with a male friend who I haven't seen in quite a while. I told my ex this when he got back and asked what I'd been up to, and he got quite annoyed/ upset, which I thought was a bit rich given what he's done in the past. He says that because this guy apparently used to fancy me, that he's jealous and doesn't want me talking to him etc.Earlier today he was saying how I needed to choose whether I wanted to work things out with him or pick this friendship with this guy, who I don't often talk to anyway. I thought the fact he was even making demands of me after what he's done was outrageous so I told him he was being ridiculous, and he then said we needed to say goodbye forever.I finally realised this was probably a good idea, so we decided to cut ties this evening on the phone (I wanted to meet up, he said he wouldn't be able to handle it). After, I deleted his number and everything off his phone, and then got a text from him saying stuff about how his life is over now he doesn't have me, and he thought I cared about him until I apparently picked this friendship over him, and a whole load of other depressive things. He's going through a hard time at the moment; he's lost 2 family members in the last few months, is going through money problems and trying to overcome a drug addiction. He now keeps saying that he's asking with all his heart for me to just take a chance with him and that we'll work out in the end, that we complete each other, that he won't be able to cope without me, and we finally had an open conversation about how he cheated because I made him feel worthless, even though I still think there's no excuse for what he did. I hate this - I'd rather just have cut him off and not let him mess with my head anymore, but I can't help but get pulled in when he says stuff like this even though I know I shouldn't. I want to be strong and try and move on, but he won't let go. I just want to know that he'll be ok without me but I know that he'll struggle because that's just the type of person he is. I don't want to have this emotional burden on me anymore, it messes with my head but I can't help loving him - and it makes me feel like such an idiot for doing so because he's humiliated me so much. He's been saying things like if I leave him now he'll just think of me as the woman who ruined his life - I know that's ridiculous and manipulative but I don't want him to think badly of me.. who knows why I even care what he thinks of me.I don't know what I hope to get out of this, I just needed somewhere to write down my feelings. I guess I'm just looking for advice as to what to do - I don't want to be a fool and take him back but I don't want to abandon him either. I'm so stuck :(
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cheated on me, jealous, money, move on, my ex, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 first of all, you are NOT to blame for his infidelity. Relationships go through rough patches sometimes. that's absolutely no excuse to run out and sleep with someone else or emotionally cheat. it's how we choose to handle these rough patches that says a lot about our character and who we are. he should have either broken up with you if he didn't see that it was fixable at the time, or stuck it through til you two could work it out. so yet again, it is NOT your fault he cheated.i've been in your shoes before. my ex gf used to blame me for all of the shitty things she did to me in our relationship. i wasn't affectionate enough, i wasn't verbal enough, i never made her feel loved enough, etc. and it killed me. i tried everything to make her happy, but nothing i ever did was good enough. ever. she cheated constantly and blamed me for it with all of those bullshit excuses. it started to take such a huge enotional toll on me, that i began to lose all self esteem. i really started to believe that i wasn't good enough for anyone. that was years ago. i still talk to her on occasion and guess what? she's cheated on every single other person she's been with since me. and if i had to bet, she fed them the same BS she fed me for years; that if they'd just given her what she needed emotionally, she never would have strayed. the point being that you should not let this guy make you feel guilty for being the reason he cheated. there's absoultely no excuse for it, no matter what you two were going through.the fact that he's still trying to call all the shots here really flies all over me. he's the one that cheated, yet somehow he's still the one who feels entitled to place demands on you. hell no. you get the say of how this goes down. HE messed up, and now YOU get to make the decisions (although it is somewhat cruel to drag it out and make him wait forever for a decision - not saying this is what you've done). and based on how he's demanding things of you, i would make the decision to kick his ass to the curb! i know if i'd done something wrong and was in his shoes, i'd be kissing some serious ass (except i don't cheat)! and to be quite honest, he has absolutely no right to give you any grief over some guy you met up with who is just a friend. that's the guilty dog barking first right there. you're right, it is rich. anyway, he clearly wants to get back together with you. only you can decide if you think he's worth it. it sounds to me like you're wanting to move on, though, based on your post. if so, block his calls or change numbers. do everything in your power to remove him from your life and keep it that way. i'm sorry you're going through this. as i said, i've been there and it's not a good place to be. i wish you the best.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 February 2013):
 Hi
Just simply stop listening to him. He can only communicate with you if you answer calls,texts,or are in his vicinity.
If you have told him to leave you alone,that your not interested in getting back,the rest is up to him.If he thinks there is the slightest chance you will weaken he will not give up.
I understand he has problems but they are his.He had his chance with you and blew it big time.
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A
female
reader, ThinkingOverdrive +, writes (12 February 2013):
ThinkingOverdrive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies - the title is a little misleading, just to be clear I don't want to get back together with him.
My problem now is that HE won't let me go, despite me telling him repeatedly it has to be that way as it's best for the both of us and it's the only way we'll work out our own issues. Since then he's just been saying how we're meant to be together, are nothing without each other, and that he's the only one who can help me through this - which is obviously stupid.
I keep telling him that I can't be with him and to just let me go, to which he replied 'I can't live without you'. I don't want to have to get nasty about it because I know he's going through a lot right now and don't want to cause him any extra hassle, but he's just refusing to accept the fact that it's over.
How can I just get him to realise that cutting each other off completely is the best way to go? This was HIS idea in the first place, but of course when I agreed he's changed his mind...
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (12 February 2013):
 I used to be in the exact same situation. Falling for all the bullshit over and over again, only to be be hurt weeks after getting back together with the ex.
He used to moan too that he had problems, if i had a pound for everytime i screamed "you need professional help!!!!" i would be rich!!!
I faced this choice too, get away from it all, or be there as a friend. I chose the first, because no matter what i did to try and make things better for him, it never worked. He needed to help himself, simple as. I told him that things would never change if he refused to help himself. I invested time and money into trying to help him, I'm NEVER going to get that back again!
DO NOT fall for it again. I beg of you, don't go back there. What he's doing is manipulating you into staying. He is not allowed to dictate who you see or talk to! That is ridiculous. If he told you to jump off of a bridge, would you do it? NO!
I understand where you are coming from though. You obviously care about him, and want him to drag himself out of the gutter, but he needs to do it himself. From what i've heard, my ex is doing better than he was, decent job, nice house, i'm genuinely pleased for him. We still have no contact, but i know he's done it by himself, he's made life better for himself, in his own way. I am proud of him as he can now be a better person.
I wish you all the best, please stay strong, and let him prove that he can make things better for himself, without dragging you down. Good luck!!!
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A
female
reader, Kindpigeonette  +, writes (12 February 2013):
Let him go and in your next relationship, if the person begins to annoy you and you feel like treating him poorly then just break it off then and there. While it IS your fault that he ended up with self-esteem issues, it's been years. Time for both of you to move on.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 February 2013):
Hi
What on earth do you see in him?
Just leave him to sort out his own mess, your not abandoning him,he's an adult.He chooses to take drugs its up to him to sort out his life,get professional help.
Stop playing stupid jealousy games with him too and move on.Next time he texts you don't even read it,delete and forget.
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A
female
reader, peapod +, writes (12 February 2013):
This guy sounds like he is draggoing you down. As hard ad it is to say goodbye to someone that close to you it is what you have to do. It will not get better and he will keep emotionally hurting you. Cut him out of your life but keep tabs on him via friends, social media etc. If he really needs you that bad you will be able to tell but i don't think you need him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): Oh Christ OP are you really falling for all this guys shit yet again?
He's the most worthless piece of shit I've heard of in a long while.
He cheats, so he's scum and it's done, right? In your mind you know that's how it's meant to go. But it gets better, he blames you using the oldest most complete bullshit excuse cheaters use, "it's your fault, you neglected me, you didn't give me what I needed." OP that's fucking low, that's as low as a man can get because he tries to turn this shit on you and make you feel bad for him cheating. Now the fact you're still talking to him after that alone makes you a complete idiot. I'm sorry OP but you know I'm right. How are problems fixed in a relationship? Cheating, or patience and communication?
But...it gets even better! Boo hoo fucking sob story comes out, "I'm depressed now, that's why I did it, you made me feel worthless, that's why I cheated because you made me depressed" Jesus OP I haven't gotten past dealing with the first paragraph of your question and it's painting a very bad picture of how much bullshit you've let this guy get away with.
So you go see a male friend and decide to tell your ex, game playing much? Of course he took exception to that op but you knew he would and that's why you specifically told him, you're playing games. He tells you choose, but he can't fucking make you choose shit, he's your ex. Yet even after he gives you this bullshit ultimatum, you're still fucking talking to him. You really are this guys bitch, he can do whatever shit he wants to you and you're just going to take it.
But...wait for it...Mr. fucking cheat is also a broke fucking drug addict. Hahahahaha! Oh Christ OP, I'm sorry but this is just ridiculous.
Why are you here? Seriously, you have a million reasons to never be near this guy again but you want to be his hero, his mother, you feel sorry for this utter little douche and haven't got the good sense to keep away.
Yup, you're fucked OP. I thought he was the bad person here but it's actually you too. He'd probably have his life sorted by now if he didn't have you there to wipe his arse and constantly go back to him no matter what he does. You do know being his fool is really bad for him right? He has no money, has a drug problem and has you there keeping him like this because you refuse to walk away because you don't want him thinking you fucked up his life?
Are you serious? You're bad news for people like him OP because you're a co-dependent, you feed off his need for a mother figure to change his nappy and powder his bottom. You love this hero feeling, it makes you feel needed and you'd rather keep his life shit so you can keep that. If I'm wrong then set him fucking free. Give him the best parting gift ever and walk away for good with no contact. Only without you picking up the pieces will he be truly able to look at his own life and fix it.
Only then can you move on and regain your dignity. OP if you want to be the saviour or broken, drug addicted douchebags go be a nurse or a counsellor. And seriously OP you need to learn what not to accept from people in life. You're not mother Theresa, if he loses you it's because he's an idiot, not that you're a bad person and don't fall for this sob story shite anymore.
Seriously OP, the way you talk about him makes me think you need to go seek some counselling, you talk about him like he's a precious wounded butterfly that needs you, but he's not, he's a bit of a sociopath and frankly you have a strange need to be his mother.
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A
male
reader, Passherby +, writes (12 February 2013):
Give him option 3 cut off all ties. He's a dog.
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