A
male
age
30-35,
*rokenarrows
writes:My girlfriend and I have gotten in alot of fights over sex. We used to do something every night but now its maybe once or twice? She wouldn't be turned on and I wouldn't be turned on as well. We got in a fight once a really bad fight. She told me that she doesn't know if I turn her on or not and I said to her I haven't been getting turned on alot either but it has nothing to do with you. Then she started to cry and that made me cry some. I cried because I thought she meant to say she was just using me and she said no never ever. Now were stuck in the same rut of not having alot of sex. How can I fix this??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): I think you need to start at ground zero. Your fears and control are getting in the way of what could be the bestest thing in your life.. Okay sit her down get some vino watch a movie and clear your throat and ask her why hasn't she been getting turned on ... Ask yourself is this a vicious circle here.. You reject her ( due to your fears) and therefore she rejects you thinking you don't fancy her etc . That is all it could be sweetie..Sit down, talk . Tell her how you feel and remember Rome wasn't built in a day. And neither will your fears go away until you can truly just love yourself. I answered your last post too.. When you went with your grandma you had every right to be angry ... But the fear and anxiousness has never left you as you have grown so I'm thinking you did not, am I right? Bond with grandma? I have three children . One as old as you and he is adopted but I love him like I birthed him. We have a very loving close relationship and nurturing . He is my boy!! I claim him . He is mine. I feel you are left bewildered and frightened because no one took the time to claim you. If I could I would hug you and tell you it's okey.. Your are however reaching adulthood at 21 and my advice as a mother and mental health nurse is this, you can focus on your past and never find closure or you can look at your future bright and hand in hand with your gf and heal yourself . You are loveable, you are wanted, your gf has shown you this by being with you. You can go back to find a therapy suitable to you.What about your brother? Do you keep in contact . If so then encourage this keep the contact . Be loving, talk this through I think this is just a hiccup and miscommunication that you both can put right. Take care and we are here if you need an ear x
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 February 2013):
 Once or twice a week?
I saw your name somewhere, looked it up. You were the guy talking about abandonment fears.
I don't think the issue is sex but the tension that's there when you obsess over every small thing that could go wrong. In order to enjoy sex you have to be relaxed. When you wrote "she was just using me" I am like what??? Are you hearing things that aren't there?
At the beginning of a relationship everyone has lots of sex, can't get their hands off each other. Then they reach a plateau and get comfortable and don't need sex as much. Which is totally fine. I know that you are getting therapy, that's good. When you look at your relationship objectively, nothing at all is wrong. It's all in your head. Just because you don't want sex all the time does not mean there is trouble in the relationship. Only have sex when you want to, not because you need to prove each other's love.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (12 February 2013):
 Be positive! If you let yourself feel really anxious about this, it makes it harder for you to feel in the mood. Are there any underlying problems within your relationship? If you and/or your girlfriend are feeling any misgivings about each other, are stressed out from work or something else, or just experiencing depression, that can really affect your sex drive. Maybe focus less on how much sex you are having and focus more on your relationship if it seems to have deteriorated compared to before. Do you guys still talk with each other? Do you still go out with each other on little outings? Have you guys been putting less effort into yourselves and each other compared to before? Maybe you guys see too much of each other and not enough of your friends? Or spending less time on your hobbies? Is there anything about your girlfriend that bothers you? Do you know of anything about yourself that might bother her? Being less turned on by your partner could mean there are unresolved issues. Please keep us updated!
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