A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid:I was on an on-line dating site. A man sent me messages saying he would like to meet me. We met at a place he picked, I told him I was good with just a drink (no food). I had one beer (it was happy hour), he picked up the tab which was only a few dollars. He told me he had a good job, made a lot of money, was showing me pics of his home, he didn't have kid, he said he was a good catch, etc. He seemed into me, but I didn't hear from him until over a month later. He asked if I would go to dinner with him, he picked the place (which was closer to him), he lives 45 minutes away. I drove and met him there. It was a small run down bar, but it was fine, they had good food and inexpensive. He grabbed the check and I thanked him and told him I appreciated it. It was under $30 for two meals and two drinks. He later sent me a message and said now I was to take him out. I know dating has changed a lot, and I don't have a problem with saying let me get it this time, but I didn't like that he told me I was to take him out now. I've never told a man to take me out or spend money on me, I'm happy to meet and go for a walk or coffee. Just was wondering what others thought of this. Thanks everyone.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 There are a lot of questions from males on DC who always grab the check and complain that their date never reciprocates... They too resent having to ask the woman to show some consideration on their part.
Now the shoe is on the other foot, but after one dinner date! Your date either wants to keep score or see if you're interested in him or keep it fair right from the start?
However the fact that he said, you OWE him dinner is quite rude, tasteless and very off putting.
Here's a lesson you may like to teach him; invite him to a restaurant way way over your side of town, order up a lovely dinner but nothing extravagant, eat it, enjoy the evening and excuse yourself to the ladies room and leave... leave him with the whole check or OK maybe just half!
Who says dating has to change?
Talk about OWE... He needs to OWE some dang manners?
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (25 May 2016):
I'm more curious as to him not calling you for a month.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 May 2016):
 He told you that you OWE him a dinner? That is horrible wording! Because in fact you DO NOT owe him SQUAT! But IF, he is a guy you find interesting and want to SEE again (aside for this whole paying the bill conundrum) then DO set up the date & pay, you can DO it cheap, JUST like he did, if you wish.
However, if his sense of entitlement of you OWING him a dinner has turned you off the dude, I would tell him; " I don't think we are a good fit, good luck with your continued dating." And then you block him and move on.
---------------------
NEXT time you go on a date, BE classy. OFFER to pay your part of the bill. That way the guy KNOWS right off the bat that you aren't just looking for a guy who buys you dinners. Now if he declines your offer, you can say; " well then do you mind if I leave the tip, as I would LIKE to contribute?" Again he can decline and you are in the "clear" as far as paying THIS time.
You say you don't mind paying (but you didn't OFFER to pay) so really, if you don't mind paying, why not offer? Or why get upset that HE suggests next date is on you? Don't you think it would be fair that YOU set up the next date and pay? While I don't AT ALL like the "you owe me" wording, it's a total turn off for me (so I don't blame you if it is for you too). I kind of understands his point of view.
As for that guy in the past who got upset, BE GLAD he showed his true colors so soon! That way you didn't HAVE to waste any more time with THAT one. But also, remember not all guys are the same.
If you OFFER to contribute, you can see RIGHT off the bat what kind of guy he is when it comes to money and dating. Instead of making assumptions.
Here is another thing I want you to think about. Most people (both men and women) find having the "who should pay" conversation VERY hard with an almost stranger, and yes, if it's a first or second date YOU ARE still strangers. THAT is why I suggest you OFFER you go Dutch (pay your share) EVERY TIME and if he declines that is fine. Even if the bill is $30, that would mean you share is around $15, so it shouldn't be a big deal to offer OR to pay.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 The thing is you are only getting to know this man, so for all you know this could be his sense of humor. All men are different, while yes he could be serious and feel that you owe him one, in which case you can decide that he is not the man you would like to date, or else he could be joking in which case you may say you didn't realize he was giving to receive. Really it is up to you how you deal with it, maybe he was taken back because you never offered to pay, maybe he feels that you are only looking for free food and drink. If this was me I would thank him for paying for dinner, and tell him I would be happy to buy the next meal and I would plan a date and location. But that is because I have never free loaded from a man and I do feel that it should be split equally.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 So you get the two extremes of date behavior. I don't like what he said. I would be inclined to say he got bitter from women who freeloaded from him. It's kind of a baggage to carry when people make it such a big deal of who pays.
I would not want to talk to him again. He's not someone I would want to get to know better, or give the benefit of the doubt. Not someone who lives faraway and may have to wait a month for contact.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for taking time to respond.
I used to always automatically try to pay for mine, and if they refused I'd leave the tip, but I had one date get so mad at me, he said it was a slap in the face and an insult and made him feel like he couldn't afford a date. I never saw that one again.
As far as this new man, I said I was confused by his text & he said I owe him a dinner.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (24 May 2016):
I don't really see the problem, he may think he is showing interest in you but not vice versa, he could be hinting at you to ask him out so that he feels you are interested.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (24 May 2016):
I do know what you mean OP. I always split the bill on dates (or at least offer to), but I went on one date last year and we went round a couple of different wine bars. He insisted on paying for the first cocktails but before we even made it to the second bar he had made three 'jokes' about how it was my turn to pay in the next place.
It wasn't that he expected me to pay that bothered me, because I fully agree that I should, it's that he didn't trust me to know how to behave properly and actually offer myself. If I were you I'd give him another chance in case he wasn't referring to money, but I'd keep an eye out. There's nothing worse than someone who offers to pay but begrudges it at the same time.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (24 May 2016):
 ? I mean. Seems like you're the one that's fixated on keeping score. You're tallying how much she's spent on you and you've already labeled him as cheap. I regularly go dutch in my dating life because I think it's fair. Why are you holding a grudge about being treated like an equal?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): My bet is that this guy is tight with money. Who takes their first date to a run down bar even if the food is good and the lady does the bulk of the driving? Please get back to us and let is know. I would be very interested to hear.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): I don't see this as a red flag. Why do women get so touchy on the subject of paying for dates? Being a woman myself, I would never allow the guy to pick up the tab, even if it was for $5. I will always more than offer to pay but then if he insists, there's nothing I can do.
Your date may have grabbed the check but you could still have offered to split it. It doesn't matter if it was $30 or $10, you should offer and not just offer but mean it when you say that you want to split the check.
I agree that he could have worded the text differently but he just wanted to make sure that you pay the next time because hes done so on the last two occasions. I think he also meant that the next date should be planned by you so that he gets to see your part of town and you be the host.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (24 May 2016):
 Txt and talk are two very different things to interpret. Txt, almost impossible and talk at least you can get the tone of things. I wouldn't over think it just yet but still just keep it as a reminder to look out for other potential red flags.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): Hmmm Im not convinced this is a throwaway comment. I think he will be watching every penny.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 May 2016):
I agree with Janniepeg, he COULD have meant next outing is YOURS to plan.
You get to pick the spot etc. So, if you don't want to spend a lot it makes it easy IF you are the one planning.
Are you willing to "invest" in this guy? By planning and maybe buying a meal?
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 May 2016):
I wouldn't immediately think he meant it's your turn to pay, but rather, he wants to see your area and you get to pick your favorite place. The main point is that he wants a second date, and he's the one driving over. You can still offer to pay if he doesn't grab the check.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): BIG RED FLAG!!! Avoid him like the plague!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus +, writes (24 May 2016):
 Yes! completely understandable. I don't like the burden on me either, I think it is more thoughtful and light hearted when you offer to pay instead of having someone tell you it is time for you to pay them back for what was supposed to be a nice selfless gesture.
you didn't force him to pay so why should he force you?
However there is a big chance he meant no harm by it and he was not trying to be rude with his suggestion. It didn't come out the right way true.
...............................
|
